Watch this immediately.
Biological War Bunker Sketch
Couldn't hear it all that clearly.
Was this just an improv exercise?
No, it is a finished sketch.
Please tun your volume up and watch it again.
Well inspite of your saucy response I gave it 3 minutes with the sound on and it's neither a sketch nor funny.
1 Amusing mumbling is just mumbling
2 Most sketches are 2-3 minutes long. This one had no jokes in the first 3 minutes and was 10 minutes long
3 Characters were unengaging and difficult to diferentiate.
4 Jokes are supposed to conclude, with a punchline. The story of the ratman just vaguely meandered.
Might I reccomend working on your writing, then your pronounciation, then your acting.
Seriously this sucked.
I just looked up 'saucy' and I don't think that's a fair judgement of my response.
IN ANY CASE...
(1)I have a problem with my tongue so I'm afraid that problem cannot be altered.
What if it's more like a sitcom pilot rather than a sketch? That would easily deal with the time issue (2).
(3) - Also we sat in the same places throughout, so the characters would be easy to tell apart ('differentiate', to use your term). We did debate over whether changing the angle of the camera would confuse this. If this is the case, I will re-edit the whole thing as one continuous shot from only one position.
(4) What if the ratman comes in and apologises? Would that be punchline?
It took 4 months to develop the script and we ALL thought it was funny. I appreciate your ideas.
I'm afraid you've written a poor sitcom pilot rather than a poor sketch.
Seriously start over and do a bit more research into what makes good, good in the world of sketch.
I would not be helping you if I said otherwise.
Look at how in even the most arcane sketches jokes are formed, characters interact humerously etc.
Tell you what I'll put my money where my mouth is, send me page one and I'll reedit and post it if you like?
But it's not a sketch. You just said it's a poor sitcom.
I think we'd be better off researching what makes good in the world of sitcom.
How could we form a joke in this pilot? I thought the rat thing was a good joke and the dead wife one. Can this be joke? There's a bit where Liam looks at George anry, that was an interaction, I thought.
Please can you have a go at editing this for me?
- - - - - - -
TWO MEN SITTING AT A TABLE IN A POST-APOLCALYPTIC FUTURE, INSIDE A BIOLOGICAL WARFARE PROTECTIVE BUNKER.
GEORGE REACHES OUT TO LIAM, GETTING HIS ATTENTION. HE HAS AN INTENSE WORRY IN HIS EYES.
George: Do you know where Chris is?
Liam: (MOURNFULLY, BUT TRYING TO REASSURE GEORGE) No. He was supposed to be here. I've got a chair for him.
George: (UNABLE TO SURPRESS HIS WORRY AND EXPLODING IN MOMENT OF DESPAIR) He was supposed to be here like 15 minutes ago!
Liam: (REASSURING) He's late.
GEORGE LOOKS AT LIAM TO JUDGE WHETHER HE IS LYING OR NOT. LIAM OFTEN LIES TO PROTECT GEORGE'S INNOCENCE. IS THIS ANOTHER OF THOSE TIMES?
George: Yeah
GEORGE THINKS FOR A MOMENT; TRYING TO CALM HIMSELF BUT REMAIN READY TO ADDRESS A CRISIS
George: Do you wanna slap hands?
Liam: (FRUSTRATED BUT SYMPATHETIC) What? Again?
George: Yeah
Liam: No.
LIAM ERUPTS IN A BURST OF PAIN, CLUTCHING HIS EYE AND SHRIEKING. AGONY.)
Liam: I've got something in my eye.
GEORGE RUSHES TO ASSIST HIM, KEEPING HIS MIND ON THE MEDI-KIT, IN THE FACLITY BUT SIX UNITS AWAY
George: What's in your eye?
Liam: I hope it's not one of those spiders again.
GEORGE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, VISIBLY RECALLING A HORRIFIC INCIDENT INVOLVING MONSTROUS CREATURES IN THE RECENT PAST
George: Urgh!
LIAM SHAKES HIS HEAD KNOWINGLY. THIS IS TYPICAL GEORGE BEHAVIOUR.
Be delighted, I'll have a look tomorrow.
Quote: ImprovPlays @ August 1 2011, 5:24 PM BST.
TWO MEN SITTING AT A TABLE IN A POST-APOLCALYPTIC FUTURE, INSIDE A BIOLOGICAL WARFARE PROTECTIVE BUNKER.
GEORGE REACHES OUT TO LIAM, GETTING HIS ATTENTION. HE HAS AN INTENSE WORRY IN HIS EYES.
George: Do you know where Chris is?
Liam: No. He was supposed to be here. Maybe he's fallen down a hole, got the plague, maybe he's been eaten by a zombified survivor.I've got a chair for him. Either way I'm sure he'll want a nice sitdown.
George: He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago! That's an eternity, we could be the only two people left on this planet.
Liam: (REASSURING) He's late. That's all.George: Yeah
George: Do you wanna slap hands?
Liam: (FRUSTRATED BUT SYMPATHETIC) What? Again?
George: Yeah, it all cheers you up. Then we can look forward to doing it again...next week.
Liam: No.LIAM ERUPTS SHOUTS IN PAIN
Liam: I've got something in my eye.GEORGE RUSHES TO ASSIST HIM, George: What's in your eye?
Liam: I hope it's not one of those spiders again. They must like the taste of me eh.George: Urgh! Keep away Chris is lying dead in a pool of biological waste, I've got to stay alive, one of us must survive. The human race can't end this way.
CHRIS ENTERS
Chirs:Ello mate what's up with George?
No, I'm afraid that isn't right for what we want to make. I showed it to my friend Peter, who is very funny, and he said it doesn't scan.
did your amusing friend Peter write your script?
I am not sure about the script. It definitely needs some editing. The YouTube thing was better, but there's something a bit odd about the construction. It needs to have more going on than three guys having an ordinary conversation, in an extraordinary circumstance. That contrast can be funny, but the music, direction and dialogue was not enough.
Work on it though. If you've got two guys just chatting away, why not have the third one send the whole thing up more, or burst in covered in radioactive warts or something? And maybe the other guys don't react. Just an idea.
TWO MEN SITTING AT A TABLE IN A POST-APOLCALYPTIC FUTURE, INSIDE A BIOLOGICAL WARFARE PROTECTIVE BUNKER.
GEORGE REACHES OUT TO LIAM, GETTING HIS ATTENTION. HE HAS AN INTENSE WORRY IN HIS EYES.
George: Do you know where Chris is?
Liam: (MOURNFULLY, BUT TRYING TO REASSURE GEORGE) No. He was supposed to be here. I've got a chair for him.
George: (UNABLE TO SURPRESS HIS WORRY AND EXPLODING IN MOMENT OF DESPAIR) He was supposed to be here like 15 minutes ago!
Liam: (REASSURING) He's late.
GEORGE LOOKS AT LIAM TO JUDGE WHETHER HE IS LYING OR NOT. LIAM OFTEN LIES TO PROTECT GEORGE'S INNOCENCE. IS THIS ANOTHER OF THOSE TIMES?
George: Yeah
GEORGE THINKS FOR A MOMENT; TRYING TO CALM HIMSELF BUT REMAIN READY TO ADDRESS A CRISIS
George: Do you wanna slap hands?
Liam: (FRUSTRATED BUT SYMPATHETIC) What? Again?
George: Yeah
Liam: No.
LIAM ERUPTS IN A BURST OF PAIN, CLUTCHING HIS EYE AND SHRIEKING. AGONY.)
Liam: I've got something in my eye.
GEORGE RUSHES TO ASSIST HIM, KEEPING HIS MIND ON THE MEDI-KIT, IN THE FACLITY BUT SIX UNITS AWAY
George: What's in your eye?
Liam: I hope it's not one of those spiders again.
GEORGE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, VISIBLY RECALLING A HORRIFIC INCIDENT INVOLVING MONSTROUS CREATURES IN THE RECENT PAST
George: Urgh!
LIAM SHAKES HIS HEAD KNOWINGLY. THIS IS TYPICAL GEORGE BEHAVIOUR.
CHRIS BURSTS IN COVERED IN RADIOACTIVE WARTS
Chris: Aaaaargh!
LIAM AND GEORGE DO NOT REACT
Ok 3 bits of advice
1 Lose all the specific directions. (e.g. looks like) that's the directors job
2 If you can't make your friends laugh then you've got no starting point. The trick is can you make stangers laugh?
So you need to be doing what you're doing at the moment getting feedback from strangers.
3 Go through the script and identify each actual joke. There should be 5 a page at least if it's a sitcom.
And yes sitcom uses jokes they're often just well disguised.
Here's a general point about ANY script:
Stage directions, which are better named as VISUAL EXPOSITIONS, should describe ONLY what an audience can SEE, you don't put thoughts in there.
Thus all of the following bits of your stage directions above are irrelevant, in a script such thoughts need to be expressed either by dialogue or by visible actions.
BUT TRYING TO REASSURE GEORGE
UNABLE TO SURPRESS HIS WORRY AND
TO JUDGE WHETHER HE IS LYING OR NOT. LIAM OFTEN LIES TO PROTECT GEORGE'S INNOCENCE. IS THIS ANOTHER OF THOSE TIMES?
GEORGE THINKS FOR A MOMENT; TRYING TO CALM HIMSELF BUT REMAIN READY TO ADDRESS A CRISIS
KEEPING HIS MIND ON THE MEDI-KIT, IN THE FACLITY BUT SIX UNITS AWAY
VISIBLY RECALLING A HORRIFIC INCIDENT INVOLVING MONSTROUS CREATURES IN THE RECENT PAST
THIS IS TYPICAL GEORGE BEHAVIOUR.