Heraldic Visitation

(Two men on a cart in royal staff regalia)

Man 1: (To the tune of summer holiday) We're all going on a Heraldic visitation

Man 2: Sorry, sorry, remind me what we're doing again

Man 1: (sings) We're all going on a heraldic visitation

Man 2: Yeah, I know, but, what is one?

Man 1: One what?

Man 2: What we're going on

Man 1: A heraldic visitation?

Man 2: Yeah. Is it like a haunting?

Man 1: Nah, you're thinking of a different type of visitation, like with that Yvette Fielding

Man 2: Oh yeah

Man 1: Basically, right, we're going round the country, and if anyone's using a coat of arms without the permission of the king, we're gonna 'ave 'em

Man2 : Ave em?

Man 1: Yeah. Grrr

Man 2: (tentatively) grrr

Man 1: That's right

Man 2: So how are we going to find them?

Man 1: Well, that's easy, innit. We go and 'ave a look at who's selling dodgy handbags down the markets

Man 2: They're alright you know, I got my mum one for Christmas, she was well pleased

Man 1: You did what?

Man 2: I got my mum- nothing

Man 1: Mmm. Gis a cigarette

(Man 2 passes packet)

Man 1: Oh, it's your last one

Man 2: Doesn't matter, got a whole carton back here; got them cheap down the-

Man 1: Down the?

Man 2: Official stockists of 'is majesty's fags. With me staff discount

Man 1: Right. So, once we get to the local market place, we get all the traders to sign this ere scroll to say that they promise they'll neither buy nor sell anything that ain't official to the king

Man 2: And that'll work, will it?

Man 1: Course it'll work! What sort of person would put his name to a document of the king in unbetruthlessness?

Man 2: Unbetruthlessness?

Man 1: Yes. Don't you speak Heraldic boy?

Man 2: Right, sorry. Won't they just carry on as soon as we leave though?

Man 1: The king has applied his brilliance and intellect to this plan

Man 2: Of course he has. Sorry. What's the plan then?

Man 1: We'll come back and check

Man 2: I see. That is a very brilliant and intellecty plan, only it's taken us bloody ages just to get North of Watford (they both spit) so how are we going to check the whole country, and then sneakily check it again?

Man 1: We'll just work our way up, then work our way back down. Don't you have GCSE geography boy?

Man 2: Coloured the land in blue in the exam, didn't I?

Man 1: Ah well, at least you've got your NVQ in armour maintenance

Man 2: And me duke of Edinburgh award in chivalry

Man 1: Good on yer boy (ruffles hair, they trot on)

A little heavy going, not much mirth and ye olde merriment...

Thanks for your feedback RedZed333

The humour is as dry as dry gets
but the sheer originality of the
subject matter won me over.

What the hell inspired you
to write on this topic?

Thanks Jack Daniels. I'll be taking that as a compliment!
I have absolutely no idea where the idea came from

I'd have cut that in half and ended with 'man 2 - Official stockists of His Majesty's fags'
Quite enjoyed it up to there.

Thanks Shandonbelle

It's Pythonesque to me without the period costumes. Which makes it interesting. I didn't like the singing bit at the beginning because it didn't scan and that threw me off a little. Maybe a cut and a polish here and there - well done for posting.

Cheers Marc P, much appreciated

Awesome idea. Something needs to happen towards the end of the piece, as RedZed said it's kind of heavy going.

Thanks for your response BardManners, will bear that in mind

I enjoyed this but agree with others that it needs something different at the end. Also needs edited to make it snappier. Sniggered at 'unbetruthfulness' ... maybe could do more of that with other words.

Can understand the comment re the song line not scanning, but actually if you sing it to yourself you CAN get it to scan.

Yes, in a non scanning sense. Do it and you tube it and I'll be convinced.

Quote: Marc P @ July 30 2011, 10:20 PM BST

Yes, in a non scanning sense. Do it and you tube it and I'll be convinced.

View original

God, you don't want to hear me sing!

Quote: keewik @ July 30 2011, 6:22 PM BST

I enjoyed this but agree with others that it needs something different at the end. Also needs edited to make it snappier. Sniggered at 'unbetruthfulness' ... maybe could do more of that with other words.

Can understand the comment re the song line not scanning, but actually if you sing it to yourself you CAN get it to scan.

View original

Cheers keewik.
It scans when I sing it too; maybe the key is to be a really bad singer