Getting ready for the Greenbelt Festival again. This is a sketch for the show Last Orders which is presented from a small stage in front of the main stage in a 3,500 capacity venue. The show is a mix of music, comedy and interviews - supposed to be a sort of best of the festival nightly roundup.
ONE is very calm and controlled. TWO is very jittery, doesn't stop moving about and fidgeting. Both are dressed in black with balaclavas or something similar.
One of the presenters introduces them and starts a round of applause, looking off to the side as if expecting them to come from the same direction as all the other guests.
Instead they ninja their way through the audience and onto the small stage both singing the Mission Impossible music (ONE doing the bass bit with TWO doing the melody).
They reach the stage and look about warily, as if checking that they weren't followed. ONE stands at the front of the stage, TWO bounces about behind her as he tries to get noticed.
ONE:Hello.
TWO:Let me say hello too!
ONE:We are the Covert Christianity Collective. You may have seen our YouTube videos where we convert people to Christianity by stealth.
TWO
BUSTS SOME NINJA MOVES) In your face!
ONE:No, stealth.
TWO
tealth, yeah! (MORE NINJA MOVES)
ONE:Last year we subverted the commercialisation of Christmas by having a Santa Claus nailed to a cross on top of my Christmas tree.
TWO:Crucifixion - the true meaning of Christmas, yeah!
ONE:Well no, the crucifixion was at Easter but if I crucified a Santa in April, people would think I was a weirdo.
TWO:Covert Easter Christian weirdos, yeah! (NINJA MOVES)
ONE:Are you fed up with people pre-judging you before you get a chance to really tell them the truth about the Lord?
TWOtick it to the heathens, yeah! (POINTS OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE AS IF HE HAS SAID SOMETHING EXTREMELY PROFOUND)
ONE
o you know people who really wouldn't be open to the good news but you want to convert them anyway? We're here to tell you how.
TWOBOUNCES TO FRONT) Covert ninja stealth Christians GO! (BOUNCES BACK AGAIN)
ONE
ne of the easiest things you can do is make sure you only listen to secular music which has themes compatible with Christianity. That way anybody overhearing will already be in the right frame of mind to receive your stealth witness.
TWO:Yeah! If music be the food of love, lead on Macbeth!
ONESIGH) (UNDER HER BREATH) If I knew who you were under that balaclava, I'd slap you silly. (TO AUDIENCE) Songs like 'Reach Out I'll Be There' by the Four Tops. Or 'Love Is All Around' by Wet Wet Wet.
TWOr 'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry.
ONEr...wait, what?!
TWO:That's just what was next on my playlist.
ONE:Just...no. (PAUSE) And once people are receptive you can stealth witness to them. Perhaps by sending text messages with edifying Bible verses.
TWO:I've done some of those! (POINTS TO SCREEN)
On screen we see a picture of a mobile phone with the text message on it - "Matthew 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God sent from my iPhone."
ONE:Another effective tool for covert Christians is the surprise baptism.
TWO produces a water pistol and squirts a few audience members.
ONE:God bless you brother and/or sister!
TWO:Full-on hardcore covert baptism yeah! (NINJA MOVES)
ONE:Um...what else?
TWO:I like to bless the clouds.
ONE:What for?
TWO:If I bless the clouds then anyone who gets rained on will be baptised!
ONESceptical) Okaaay...
TWOAnd it's handy if there's any vampires about too...
ONEREACT)(BEAT) A bit of stealth witnessing you can do while commuting to work is adding Christian messages to people's crosswords on the train while they're not looking. (POINTS TO SCREEN)
On screen we see a picture of a crossword. The words "Jesus Loves You" have been added to some of the spaces.
TWO:Yeah, Jesus loves you man. Stealth Messiah!
ONE
lease remember that this technique is less effective if your message is actually the correct answer to the crossword clue...
On screen we see the crossword clue - "Us joyous elves could be spiritual blessing, (5,5,3)".
ONEo there you go. Just some of the ways the Covert Christianity Collective wins souls for The Lord.
TWO:Without them or The Lord even realising it - yeah!
ONESIGH) (TURNS TO TWO) The Lord realises, obviously.
TWO:Covert ninja stealth God, yeah!
ONE:If you have any ideas for covert Christianity methods email/tweet us at (INSERT THIS YEAR'S ADDRESSES & CAPTION THEM ON SCREEN). Goodnight and God bless you. (BEAT) Oh, and by the way - we blessed the churro stall earlier so some of you have taken communion today without even realising it.
TWO:Covert donut style things for the Lord!
Both drop into stealth style poses.
ONE:Covert Christianity Collective out!
The pair of them ninja back off stage and through the audience, singing the Mission Impossible music.
