Carry the torch

Today marks the fact that the London Olympics begin in one year.
To mark the event I think posters on the site should put up their own entry.
I'll get the ball rolling and hope you ALL play along.

London Olympic HQ
Seb Coe is sitting at his desk listening to bad news from the man facing him.

Seb
"I knew they would try something, but this is a new low even for them!"

Man
"They have brought in 'Placement Pete Parker' the man's a legend in the field"

Seb
"Is it legal?"

Man
"Oh its legal ok, he had their names changed by deed poll two days before they announced the squad, so it looks like they're all in on it from the get go!"

Seb
"How bad is it"

Man
"They expect their people to win a lot of gold medals"

Seb
"But will they"

Man
"Well Benson & Hedges are favourites for the two man rowing,
Lambert & Butler are expected to win the relay
Gillette's a knocking bet for the fencing gold
And their Bantam weight boxer Micky 'Marlborough' Light is supposed to be shit hot!"

Seb
Opens a roller deck and rings an international number
"I'll put these cheeky bastards straight, they're not using these games for advertising stunts"

Ringing tone

Woman answers
She has a heavy New Yoik accent
"Hello Placement Pete Corporation, how can I help you?"

Seb
"This is Lord Coe of the Olympics, I want to speak to Placement Pete!"

Woman
"Sorry sir Pete is out for lunch, he's probably having a delicious Burger King super size meal and who can blame him when they're only two dollar forty between 8am and 4pm Monday through till Thursday!"

Seb
Covers the phones mouthpiece as he speaks
"These people are unbelievable; they don't know when to stop"

Seb
Back to woman
"Well can you tell me when he will be back?"

Woman
"I can't I'm sorry sir, the problem is you see the new Burger King family restaurant lay out has been designed to make you want to stay longer and enjoy family time as well as your burger"

Seb
Covers the phones mouthpiece as he speaks
"They just don't stop"

Seb
Back to woman
"Can I leave at least speak to his secretary please!"

Woman
"Certainly sir"

Connection tone

Chirpy voiced woman
"Placement Pete's office,Pepsi speaking how can I......

Seb Coe just puts the phone down!

Good idea, that's funny.

Come on people have a go, what have you got to lose?

I made a Brownie carrying the torch cry when I pointed out that she was a pathetic lynch mob. Then I lit my fag off it. Her tears extinguished the eternal flame. A real lynch mob turned up 'cos they were well angry that she'd jeopardised the regeneration of Stratford, and they'd been looking forward to those few extra stops on the overground train. Luckily I was still there, wallowing in the angst of a child. I put my fag to the torch and inhaled, and the lynch mob all followed my example. Eventually we got it re-lit and this led to a proper community knees up, now known as the night of a hundred B&H. So all's well that ends well, except the Brownie now has a forty a day habit, and on reflection we realised that the city's woeful infrastructure is wholly unsuitable to hosting a multitude of visitors on an international stage.

INT. BBC STUDIO - DAY

Overlooking an athletic track. Two Pundits sit and
discuss the event.

They are currently engaged in an active, arm waving debate.

PUNDIT 1
...Many people like them here. And surely the London
Olympics aims to unite people from all four corners
of the globe?

PUNDIT 2
Yes, yes, but surely these Amazonian Tribespeople
shouldn't qualify for entry into this prestigous
and famous competition...

PUNDIT 1
I disagree, I honestly do.

PUNDIT 2
...With the face paint, and the grass skirts,
the voodoo, what do they hope to gain by taking part?

PUNDIT 1
Equality? Recognition of athletiscm?

PUNDIT 2
Please. What tosh! They don't belong here.
End of stor----

The window behind them shatters as a javellin enters the studio
and impales Pundit 2 to his seat.

Like it!

A PRE 2012 DAY OF CELEBRATION IN CENTRAL LONDON ENDS WITH THE SPECTACULAR RELEASE OF 2012 RED BALLOONS. EACH BALLON HAS BEEN SPONSERED BY A CELEBRITY FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

CROWDS WATCH AS THE RIBBONED BALLOONS FLOAT SKYWARDS, HIGHER AND HIGHER UNTIL EACH BALLOON IS JUST A SMALL RED DOT IN THE DISTANCE.

WE SEE A LONE BALLOON DROP TO THE GROUND.
A LABEL ATTACHED TO THE RIBBON SAYS - 'SPONSERED BY DAVID BOWIE -THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH'.

INT: STUDIO. DAY.

ENGLISH COMMENTATOR
And here we are on glorious day in London for the 2012 Olympics.

SPANISH COMMENTATOR
(excited)
Bienvenidos a este gran evento en el fantástico Juegos Olímpicos de 2012!

FRENCH COMMENTATOR
(laid back)
Salutations à cette occasion les sports.

ENGLISH COMMENTATOR
And it really is quite a marvellous day out there today...you can see--

SPAMISH COMMENTATOR
(excited, interrupting)
Quel spectacle fantastique que nous la voir en face de nous l'maginificent environs, les gens magnifiques, le superlatif de sport!

ENGLISH COMMENTATOR
This event has certainly started brightly, and I feel we could be in with a chance of a medal today.

SPANISH COMMENTATOR
Concurso increíble, sólo escuchar el comentario aquí. Magnífico, fantástico, ¡Viva España!

FRENCH COMMENTATOR takes out cigarette and lights it.

FRENCH COMMENTATOR
Malheureusement, un autre écran terne de la française.

ENGLISH COMMENTATOR
It seems to be kneck and kneck with England and Spain. England trying their hardest to stay in the contest.

SPANISH COMMENTATOR
Y su toda España. Ir España! Ir España! Ir España.

ENGLISH COMMENTATOR
England trying to get back into the con--

SPANISH COMMENTATOR
España! España! España! España! Ir España! Ir España!

CUT TO:

Other studio with two English pundits.

PUNDIT #1
And what did you think of that performance?

PUNDIT #2
Well, a great contest surely. France were left in the dust early on.

PUNDIT #1
Yes lets have a look at that again.

Show slow-mo replay of the FRENCH COMMENTATOR lighting his cigarette.

PUNDIT #1
And we have to give our boy credit don't we.

PUNDIT #2
Of course, I mean he put in a great performance but I think the Spanish just wanted it more.

Pan across to Spanish pundit table

SPANISH PUNDIT #1
Fantástica de España! Ir España!

Two French pundits sit at their pundits table smoking and playing cards.

Athlete does remarkable long jump ending in a triple back flip.
Spanish commentator: Beautiful, beautiful
French commentator: What style, what grace
Italian commentator: All of the points must surely be awarded here
British commentator: No-one likes a show-off

Olympics registration officer:
Sports?

Olympian:
Football, diving and handball.

Olympics registration officer:
Right, if you could just sign here, Mr Maradona.

AUDIO.

V/O SMOOTH COMMENTATOR: And we go now to the olympic village, where extensive drug testing has been taking place.

V/O Big sniffing sound.

V/O HEAVY MEXICAN ACCENT: Si hombre, is primo gear!

AUDIO 2

V/O SMOOTH COMMENTATOR: And we go now to the olympic village, where extensive urine sampling of the British Women's rowing squad has been taking place.

FX. Liquid being poured into a glass. Then a sipping sound, then the sound of fluid being quickly spat out.

V/O: Eurgh! That's disgusting!

MI5 agent talking into walky talky.

MI5 Agent:
Our sources state the Russian marathon runner is about to defect to the West.

M:
Good man, Jenkins, follow him and see where he goes.

Two hours later the Russian marathon runner looks back over his shoulder, he sees a man sweating profusely, raincoat over his arm and pouring a plastic cup of water over his head.

GOING FOR GOLD

A glamorously aristocratic woman (The Countess of Cambridge or her sister?) is putting the gold medal on a chain around the neck of victorious captain of the British 8's rowing team. She then moves along the line shaking hands and handing over the medals in boxes. She stops at the fourth man. He has a lunch box on display that puts Linford Christie to shame. She goes back to the captain takes off the gold medal and puts it round this man's neck.

Quote: Marc P @ July 25 2011, 9:39 AM BST

GOING FOR GOLD

A glamorously aristocratic woman (The Countess of Cambridge or her sister?) is putting the gold medal on a chain around the neck of victorious captain of the British 8's rowing team. She then moves along the line shaking hands and handing over the medals in boxes. She stops at the fourth man. He has a lunch box on display that puts Linford Christie to shame. She goes back to the captain takes off the gold medal and puts it round this man's neck.

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Cue the childish 'Was he the cox?' jokes...