Juan Kerr hacked into Vannesa Feltz's phone and heard her ordering anal beads. He got a stuffy. Sad bastard.
Make an unfounded claim about the poster above you Page 103
Will Cam lives inside the toy pages of the Argos catalogue.
Quote: Juan Kerr @ July 21 2011, 7:34 PM BSTLaundry day in the Jaguar household took a turn for the worse this week when Mrs Jaguar, whilst sorting her whites from her colours, discovered a skid mark depicting the face of the Lord Jesus in husband Bill's M and S Y-fronts....
Random quote: "My pants are from England, Marks and Spencers. They are a pleasure and a comfort to wear, with much support."
Shandonbelle was murdered by a door frame and never lived to tell the tale.
Bill Jaguar is employed by Eamon Holmes (or EamHo as he calls him) to eat buttons. Big ones, small ones and some as big as your 'ead. There stands his wife, the idol of his life, singing rolla-bolla- bolla penny a pitch.
Oh, and he farts like a chuff, but let's not get too personal.
Will Cam is currently enjoying a long spell in a chav's car with his twin brother Phil Cam. When the engine breaks they will be free.
Bill keeps whacking off in my tool shed
Lofthoue has a jellyfish for a knob. A very small one.
Will didn't really care what anyone thought, the sex had been wonderfully good, and so what if there had been so-called 'accidental' spectators present? The sturdy cane would, as ever, come in handy for his weekend gardening (once it had been wiped), and the protein overload was, as always a jolly good bonus too, he thought.
Stepping carefully over a comatose Gabriel and John Paul, Will allowed himself a final look back, and surveyed the scene. A sticky carpet and crumpled, discarded robes. He could also hardly avoid taking in the pungent odour too. Slipping stealthily into the, now chilly, night Will allowed himself the luxury of looking forward to snuggling up in bed to Mrs C whilst watching Newsnight and sipping Hot Chocolate together. Oh, the deceit......
Juan Kerr's no man, he is a space station.
In early 1983 Bill Jaguar, disguised as a raunchy chestnut thoroughbred filly lured Shergar to 'death by vigorous equine sex'. Bill then deep froze the record breaking Derby winning Stallion for long term food purposes. Last night Bill finished Shergar off. He's one hungry mofo now...and no self-respecting Derby winner should sleep safely tonight.
Juan Kerr instigated a lynch mob that beat an elderly man to death just because he lived alone, had been seen in the park and looked a bit weird.
Tom Jordan loves Juan Kerr.
Bill Jaguar's burgeoning career as a pork butcher ended swiftly when he slipped on a casually discarded pig bollock and his head ended up in the power mincer as it ground up the earholes and arseholes of the omnivore carcases.
The good news is that he now earns a small fortune as a Carlos Tevez lookalike.
You can't get any faster than Juan Kerr, when he is charging after his next victim he can top mach 3, but only when sliding along on his arse.
Bill is only here as part of his work experience for school
Bill, where's my tea? And when you've done that, pop down the shops for me
I need a new bubble for my spirit level