Hi,
I have been working on a sitcom pilot script and now that I have finished (and done a few redrafts) I would appreciate any feedback. Its my first writing attempt, I wanted to create a good old fashioned sitcom like ones I grew up with, (fast paced, heavy banter, simple set up etc) think Game On, Men Behaving Badly.
Please let me know what you think... The script is finished and I would liked to have put the whole thing up but I guess if the first 10 pages don't work then it doesn't matter about the rest!
Cheers,
Jon
SIMON AND JOHN (WORKING TITLE) - SERIES 1 EP1 - PILOT
1. EXT. ALLEYWAY (OB) DAY
JOHN IS ACTING IN A PRIME TIME DRAMA. THE SCENE IS BEING FILMED IN AN ALLEYWAY, JOHN'S CHARACTER IS A SMALL TIME DRUG DEALER.
MAN:
Well? You got the stuff?
JOHN:
Yeah.
MAN:
What did we say? £250.
JOHN:
£300.
THE MAN COUNTS OUT SOME CASH. AS HE GOES TO GIVE JOHN THE MONEY HE GRABS THE DRUGS JOHN IS HOLDING AND PINS HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL.
MAN:
£300? Seems a little steep don't you think? Let me make you a counter offer. How about £0, I take the stuff, your wallet and you keep your legs in working order. Sound like a deal?
JOHN:
Come on, don't do this to me. We had a deal.
THE MAN PRODUCES A KNIFE AND HOLDS IT AT JOHN'S THROAT. HE TAKES THE WALLET, CASH AND DRUGS.
MAN:
And now we have a new deal don't we. Its called negotiation my friend. Now you listen to me and you listen hard, I...
THE MAN IS INTERRUPTED BY THE NOISE OF JOHN'S MOBILE PHONE RINGING IN HIS POCKET. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE, BOTH MEN LOOK AT THE POCKET. JOHN EDGES HIS HAND DOWN TO THE PHONE UNSURE OF WHETHER TO GET IT OR NOT.
JOHN:
Should I? (GESTURES TO THE PHONE)
THE MAN LOOKS TOWARDS THE CAMERA CONFUSED, AS IF LOOKING FOR CONFIRMATION. JOHN ANSWERS THE PHONE.
JOHN:
Hello?
THE CAMERA PANS ROUND TO SEE A DIRECTOR AND CAMERAMAN LOOKING ANGRILY AT JOHN FOR RUINING THE SCENE.
DIRECTOR:
CUT!
CUT TO:
2. INT. AGENTS OFFICE DAY
JOHN SITS SHEEPISHLY ACROSS THE DESK FROM HIS AGENT PAT. SHE IS FURIOUS.
PAT:
What have I told you about having your phone on during a shoot?! Hey? Who was bloody ringing you anyway?
JOHN:
My flatmate Simon. He wanted to know where I left the remote.
PAT:
You're an idiot. I can't work with you anymore, that was the first speaking part you've had in 6 months. And for a prime time BBC Drama! I had to sleep with the creepiest casting director for you to get that and this is how you repay me?!
JOHN:
What? Really?
PAT:
Well... (PAUSE) handjob.
JOHN:
Jesus!
PAT:
And you can't even be bothered to turn your phone off for 10 minutes! You're joke, and you're a terrible client.
JOHN:
Ah come on Pat, anyone can make one mistake. The director seemed to like me up until that point.
PAT:
Like you? Are you delusional? He almost sacked you first thing when you ruined another scene by eating crisps behind the camera.
PAT MOTIONS SOMEONE EATING CRISPS VERY LOUDLY.
JOHN:
Do you know how hard it is to eat crisps quietly? Its near impossible Pat, they were chipsticks, probably the most crunchy crisp on the market. I tried my best to be quiet... (PAUSE) maybe Watsits are the crunchiest, what do you think?
PAT:
I think that its highly unprofessional and inappropriate to be eating crisps behind the camera when there is a scene being filmed!
JOHN:
But I was starving. I hadn't eaten all day!
PAT:
(SHOUTING)There was food provided for the entire cast before filming started but you were late weren't you!
JOHN:
Oh yeah... I had to stop off in a newsagents on the way to get the crisps. There was a long queue.
PAT:
Unbelievable....
JOHN GETS UP TO LEAVE.
JOHN:
So what time tomorrow?
PAT:
(STUNNED) What? Unsurprisingly John they don't want you back. You were fired! And I'm sorry but that goes for me as well. I can't represent you any more.
JOHN:
Pat, come on. Please hear me out, I can get better, learn from my mistakes...
JOHN'S PHONE RINGS, THERE'S AN AWKWARD PAUSE.
JOHN:
Should I get that?
PAT:
GET OUT!!
CUT TO:
3. INT. THE FLAT. NIGHT
JOHN ARRIVES HOME HAVING LOST HIS AGENT. SIMON IS WATCHING TV ON THE SOFA.
SIMON:
Alright mate, how'd the gig go?
JOHN:
You idiot! Why'd you call me? I was in the middle of the scene! I got fired because of you! And for what? Because you lost the remote!
SIMON:
(SARCASTICALLY)Pretty sure it was you who lost the remote actually. But don't worry I found it in time... just! Almost missed the beginning of Eggheads but disaster was avoided at the last minute. I beat 3 of the Eggheads this week, that's my best ever!
JOHN:
(SHOUTING)Didn't you hear me? I got fired! Not just from the job but from my agent as well! That was my first speaking role in 6 months and you ruined it! You know how hard its been for me to get work lately! And you're the one moaning when I don't make rent!
SIMON:
Shit. Sorry mate. Probably should have turned your phone off though.
JOHN:
You sound just like the casting agent!
SIMON:
Oh well, something else will turn up... or you could always get a proper job?!
JOHN:
A proper job? What like you? Mr routine... cornflakes, jubilee line, office, emails, coffee, printing, shitting, meetings... its all bollocks mate! You my friend are in the rat race... and you're losing!
SIMON:
That may very well be true but who paid the rent last month?! And anyway, who got to work from home today in preparation for the big meeting tomorrow?! This guy (POINTS AT HIMSELF).Spent the day in my pants watching Loose Women... tell me I'm losing now John!
JOHN:
You're a loser! And what about the meeting tomorrow.
SIMON:
All up here my friend (POINTS TO HIS BRAIN)... its all up here!
CUT TO:
4. INT. THE FLAT day
SIMON CHARGES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM DRESSED FOR WORK IN A PANIC. JOHN IS WATCHING TV EATING CEREAL.
SIMON:
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Where the f**k is it?
SIMON FRANTICALLY SEARCHES THE FLAT.
JOHN:
Whats the matter mate?
SIMON:
My USB stick, I've lost it. It had everything I needed for the meeting. Graphs, schedules the works.
JOHN:
This USB stick? (HOLDS UP A USB)
SIMON:
Yes that one! Thank God! What the hell were you doing with it?
JOHN:
Err...
SIMON:
Never mind, just give it here! See you later. And for God's sake do something with your day, tidy the flat or something.
JOHN:
I could go food shopping if you give me some cash. We don't have much in.
SIMON:
Fine. Here's £30, spend it wisely! I know what you're like! In fact, only buy things on offer buy one get one free, 30% off. That kind of thing, understand?
JOHN:
Yes fine. Jesus Simon I'm not a moron!
SIMON:
Hmmm... See you later OK.
CUT TO:
5. INT. SIMON'S WORK, MEETING ROOM DAY
SIMON IS RUNNING LATE AND ARRIVES FLUSTERED INTO A MEETING ROOM PACKED WITH PEOPLE WAITING TO HEAR HIS PRESENTATION. HE GETS OUT HIS USB STICK AND INSERTS IT INTO THE LAPTOP.
SIMON:
Apologies again for my late arrival. There really is no trusting London Underground to get you to your destination on time. (NERVOUS LAUGH).
CLIVE:
So Simon what have you got for us today?
SIMON:
Well... if I just open up this rather impressive PowerPoint. (CLICKS ONTO THE ONLY FILE ON THE USB).
AS SIMON CLICKS ON THE USB FILE, PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES LOAD ONTO THE PROJECTION SCREEN BEHIND HIM.
SIMON:
(FLUSTERED)What? This isn't right? Where are the graphs, the logos, the new ways of working? Oh God. I am so sorry about this, if you just bear with me for one second.
SIMON TRIES TO CLOSE DOWN THE FOLDER OF PORN, SHUTTING THE IMAGES DOWN ONE AT A TIME. HE PAUSES FOR A LITTLE TOO LONG ON ONE OF THE IMAGES, IT DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED.
CUT TO:
6. INT. SUPERMARKET (OB) DAY
JOHN IS STROLLING CASUALLY AROUND THE SUPERMARKET LOOKING AT VARIOUS PRODUCTS CAREFULLY BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO PUT THEM IN HIS TROLLEY.
JOHN:
(TO HIMSELF) So its offers you want is it Simon, well its offers you are going to get my friend.(LAUGHS STRANGELY TO HIMSELF DRAWING LOOKS FROM OTHER SHOPPERS) Ooh, hobnobs!
CUT TO:
7. INT. THE FLAT. NIGHT
SIMON ARRIVES HOME IN A FOUL MOOD. JOHN IS PLAYING ON THE PLAYSTATION. SIMON STORMS INTO THE KITCHEN WITHOUT SAYING HELLO.
SIMON:
(SHOUTING) What the..
JOHN:
(SHOUTING FROM THE SOFA)You're welcome! I've even got change from your £30. £4.50 in fact. It would have been £5.50 but I got my quid stuck in the trolley. What a stupid system! As if a quid is going to stop me nicking a trolley. If I wanted to nick a trolley I mean. Which I don't. But a quid wouldn't stop me.... if I did.
SIMON IS LOOKING AROUND THE KITCHEN AT WHAT JOHN HAS BOUGHT. JOHN GETS UP FROM THE SOFA TO JOIN SIMON IN THE KITCHEN.
SIMON:
What the hell have you bought 3 loaves of bread for? We never eat 1 a week, let alone 3!
JOHN:
Buy 2 get 1 free.
SIMON:
And 2 supersize packs of 48 bags of Walkers?
JOHN:
Buy 1 get 1 half price.
SIMON:
Thats 96 bags of crisps John!
JOHN:
Good maths!
SIMON:
And... what are these? Tampons? Oh for God's sakes John? Why the hell did you buy tampons?
JOHN:
Impulse buy. At the checkout. Plus they were BOGOF! So everyone's a winner right.
SIMON:
Firstly, they do not put tampons at the checkout to provoke 'impulse buys'. You either need tampons or you don't! The impulse buy section is chocolate, crisps past there sell by date, Jaws 9 on DVD for £2, Jedwood's Greatest Hits... that sort of thing.
JOHN:
Jedwood have a greatest hits? I thought they'd only had one single?
SIMON:
(EXASPERATED) What? It was just an example to make a point... Anyway, as 2 men I'm fairly confident we don't have a need for tampons. So you can shove your BOGOF up your arse!
JOHN:
(TO HIMSELF) There's never been a Jaws 9 either. Has there? (THINKS TO HIMSELF FOR A SHORT WHILE)... You said only buy whats on offer! We needed milk but I couldn't get any cos it wasn't on offer. I was playing by the rules. Your rules Simon.
SIMON:
You are loving this aren't you! You spiteful Irish cock!
JOHN RETURNS TO HIS SEAT ON THE SOFA.
JOHN:
Oh Simon, grow up!
SILENCE IN THE FLAT AS JOHN WAITS FOR SIMON TO ERUPT AGAIN. SIMON WALKS INTO THE LOUNGE AND SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO JOHN.
JOHN:
Game of Pro Evolution Soccer mate? I've been practicing my free kicks all day. And I need to get back to winning ways on the PES Chart!
CAMERA PANS ROUND TO THE WALL TO THE RIGHT OF THE TV. THERE'S ARE NUMEROUS BITS OF PAPER SELLOTAPED TO THE WALL.
SIMON:
The USB John. The f**king USB. The f**king porn on the f**king USB.
JOHN:
Ah. Yeah about that. Honest mistake mate. You said yesterday about having everything for the presentation 'up here' (POINTS TO SIMON'S HEAD, POKING HIM.) So, when I needed the USB to transfer some stuff from your PC to my laptop I deleted what was on it. I didn't think you needed it mate.
SIMON:
Some stuff? Pornography John! You let me take a USB stick full of women pleasuring themselves to a meeting full of my superiors. I got a formal warning, I was lucky not to get sacked there and then!
JOHN:
Well you did...
SIMON:
(CUTTING HIM OFF) No it is not the same as me getting you fired for ringing you. That was your fault!
AWKWARD SILENCE. LONG PAUSE.
JOHN:
The one with the blonde twins on the jetski. (HE GESTURES LARGE BREASTS AND SMILES) That was pretty decent though right?
SIMON:
(SMILING, ALMOST LAUGHING) You better find a use for those tampons. Come on lets play.
THEY PICK UP PLAYSTATION PADS AND START TO PLAY.
© Jon Wilson 2011
