Critique wanted please... Page 2

sort of. the three young guys at the start will represent basically the three main mcdonalds work stations and through them we will see how the restaurant (barely) functions.

danny rice's character is basically the villain of the piece from start to end. the format for the first episode is scene skipping between these main characters.

i am pretty confident the characters are, or at least will become strong. but I am more worried about my writing style. I have montage software to help with formatting but am concerned about how clearly the action and dialougue comes across to someone else.

naturally it all makes sense in my head but is hard to convey on paper!

I can see it more clearly now, Ciaran/Wayne v Danny, good v evil, and two good guys always beat the one bad guy, right?

Go for it, and don't forget the major maxim in screenplay writing, once it's written, rewrite it, and then rewrite it again, ad infinitum, no one EVER gets it right first time...

One other thing, Paddy, you're obviously parodying McDonalds, you actually wrote McDonalds in your last post, I'd just be a bit careful as too how close you actually get to your target, for example the clown McDingle thing, does it have to be a clown...? That's a bit too near the mark, might need something a little more original...

yep that's pretty much the jist of it. danny and wayne are later revealed to have a plan to make danny the head of the store, which gives ciaran and friends the opportunity to do everything they can to stop that happening.

as for the pretty obvious mcdonalds references, I'm not too worried about obviously parodying them. if by any chance it becomes an issue for copyright reasons (say if I send the script off) then I would be willing to change it!