A FAMILY BBQ
MOLLY AND OLIVER (AGED 5) ARE KNEELING AT THE SANDPIT, FILLING PLASTIC MOULDS WITH SAND
OLIVER
We're going to London Zoo on the train next week, and I'm going to bring back a big crocodile...a real one.
MOLLY
Well, we're going sailing on a canal and my dad said he's having a fair..
OLIVER
Can I come?
MOLLY
I'm not sure, he told your dad he was doing it with Linda from work..I think we're all going to the Travel Inn for it.
MOLLY'S MUM STANDING BEHIND THEM
I'll kill the bastard
Brutally funny
From the mouths of babes...!
Was the 'sailing on a canal' bit relevant? I'm not sure if I was missing something there...
Loved the names, Molly and Ollie, a juvenile comedy act...
The 'sailing on the canal' bit was there as something a child might say.
10/10 
Is this based on a true story?
Like it! really like it! top work
It's good. Although it needs a greater or smaller context. It all feels too small, but it's not compact, so it kinda hangs in the middle of is this a sketch or a scene in a larger piece like a sitcom? It kinda makes me think it could be one of those adverts you see where they dress kids up as adults, talking like adults n that.
If you really clip it down to a few lines, it could make a great comic strip. "Dads having a fair" "In your garden? "No, with the neighbour at a Premier Inn this weekend."
Too blunt, the original does it spot on for me.
Or...
OLIVER
Can I come?
MOLLY
I don't see why not, he going with your mum...
Quote: Leevil @ July 20 2011, 3:40 PM BSTIf you really clip it down to a few lines, it could make a great comic strip. "Dads having a fair" "In your garden? "No, with the neighbour at a Premier Inn this weekend."
Nicely clipped, only wrote it on a whim this morning so wasn't thinking of where it might end up, if anywhere.
Quote: RedZed333 @ July 20 2011, 5:51 PM BSTOr...
OLIVER
Can I come?MOLLY
I don't see why not, he going with your mum...
Thanks all for the comments.
It's good, and both Leevil's suggestion and Red's punch work very well.