I wrote these and was wondering what can I do to improve them and tighten them up. All feedback welcome. Thanks
CHATSHOW HOST: Long nights, Beer binges, gambling, illegal offshore accounts and hand to hand Bear fighting. Tonight we ask.....
CAN YOU HELP TEENAGERS IN NEED
Cut to picture of two lads sitting there looking like two total spacers... one of them turns to the other and says
TEEN 1: yeah, we really need help....
HOST: Every day thousands of teenagers in Ireland are suffering. We need your help, to help them.
TEEN 2: Yeah, well, like I mean it all started when I was about 12 you know, the long nights, the Xbox, the clothes, the court cases and summonses....it all just spiralled.
TEEN 1: yeah, sometimes it would last all weekend, other times, it'd be school nights. There was just no end to it. Even now, there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel
HOST: Harsh....how could ye both let things come to such a pass....did ye not consider taking a hold of things....
TEEN 2: Yeah, I mean, I tried. I made the phone calls, I made the commitments...(starts to break down)...Just nothing worked....
HOST: You're clearly upset. (Stands up) I think it's time we had a look at the root of the problem. To see what is causing this trouble every day for countless teenagers...let's roll the video there Greg...
A video starts to play showing the house. A voiceover comes on.
Every day in Ireland, teenagers face the very real and very stressful trauma of, Bad Parents.
At this point two Parents walk on
Parent 1: What de f**k is this like...SON, where's my f**kin Xbox remote gone...
Another Scene: Parent 2 lying in bed: F**k sake just give me five more minutes will you...
Teen 1: Look, you have to get up and take me to school ok....
Parent 2: (screeches) F**k sake... (storms out of the bed and the room)
Another scene: Parent 1 with blaring music in the background:
Teen 2: Turn down that radio Dad I'm trying to do my homework...
Parent: F**k off to your room, wanker... ( makes the hand sign behind his back)
Oh, wait, son....I'm sorry....do you have any fags left, I'm fresh out
Teen 2: What? I don't smoke.
Parent: Stupid dickhead, every proper teenager smokes...gimme money for fags will you...
Back to studio where parents are now sitting as well
Host: Shocking scenes from the lives of two teenagers in our times. Can we help them, is it gone too far, how can it be stopped and do penguins have knees?
Parent 1: Who gives a shite...
Host: Look, your son has released a cd of his own accord here. It's called stop the madness. Let's take a listen
Song:
Stop, stop the madness, and fill our world with gladness
Because now I have to sing, and I will fly on the wing
Of this rather small bird here, and I will have no fear, because I know you are near
But mum and dad, for f**k sake, please stop, stop the madness, and fill my world with gladness,
Because only you, and possibly the courts can stop, stop the madness,
Please no more sadness
And all throughout my days, just as the donkey brays
I will sing my sad mournful song, to you, even though it is so wrong
So this must now end, as must my song which dost the heart rend
Forever, I love you dad, I love you mum...(breaks down in tears)
Stunned silence in the studio...
Host: Heartbreaking. Parents, your thoughts...
Parents together: F**kin' Shite.
Host: Well said. It's songs like this that kept my album from success so you lot can just piss off, whiney teenagers.
(The kids are taken out protesting while the host and parents enjoy a great laugh)
On next weeks show, human vs machine...find out who will win when Albert Benson wrestles his 4 x 4 jeep in the ultimate grudge match.
Dougie Dimbleby
Heroic Introduction Voice: Coming soon...To a pirate DVD near you...The incredible, the fascinating, the inspiring story of.....ahm, ahm, (sound of rustling pages) Dougie Dimbleby...(Who the f**k is Davey Dimblweed?)
Other Voice: SSSHHH, just read the thing.....his mother is here
Heroic Voice: It's a story of love
(Cut to picture of this big fat guy throwing tayto's at himself, screaming "OH I LOVE TAYTO'S"
HEROIC VOICE: It's a story of inspiration...
(Cut to fat fella sitting with his friends saying, "I'm gonna do it guys, I'm gonna enter the 100 metre egg and spoon sprint" The boys start calling him a fat creep and rolling on the floor laughing hysterically
HEROIC VOICE: It's a story of rejection
(Show fat guy standing with a disgusted looking girl who says, "Get away from me you fat pervert" or, show fat guy standing infront of a committee asking to be allowed into the 100 metre sprint, and the committee rolling on the floor laughing.
HEROIC VOICE: But most of all, it's a cock and bull story that nobody will care about or nobody will remember, so don't bother renting it or going to see it.
Pan out to wider screen and see that we have actually been in a kitchen all along. The heroic voice was actually Dougie's father. We cut to Dougie's mother who looks at the father disgusted.
MOTHER: Such awful truthful things to say about your own daught...son. How dare you. This will be the worst personalized birthday video ever.
FATHER: Just no pleasing some people....
ASHTON GAMES
PRESENTER: Hello everyone and you're very welcome to the bi-annual Ashton games here in Ashton. Already today we've seen such exciting events as the baby toss and of course, just this morning Rene Rashid took the coveted Tim Bliggin memorial trophy for the stationary, no movement race... Exciting times.
I'm here at the start line for the egg and spoon 100 metre sprint and I'm hoping to catch a word with the local Ashton representative David Dumbledoors as he limbers up in preparation for his efforts here today....Ah yes, here he is.
(The camera pans out to show a big fat lad eating crisps and doing some stretches)
PRESENTER: And here he is, Dougie Dimbletrousers, the local hope, the bright light. Danny, How have preparations gone for the race....
DOUGIE: Ah yeah, things have been going well. I've dropped a few pounds and I'm in the best shape of my life to be honest.
PRESENTER: With the hopes of a village resting on your shoulders Donald, how do you rate your chances...
DOUGIE: Well, Ray, most....
PRESENTER: Sorry there Daniel but my name is actually Roy...
DOUGIE: Sorry John, well, to be honest most people have written me off as a fat, lazy, good for nothing, overweight, drugged out, diseased, obnoxious, slobby, creepy, perverted, disgusting, sloth like, out of shape, big fat pile of shit no hoper....and rightly so...but, I think, and so does my mam, that if I can get a good start, and with the wind at my back, I at least have a chance of taking 7th or possibly 8th.
PRESENTER: Yes indeed Dick but you do realise that there are only 4 competitors in the race....
DOUGIE: (Limbering up and getting really into it) Yeah? And what's your point?
PRESENTER: Inspiring words from a fat slob...The odds of Dennis Drearydrawers actually making it out of the starting blocks and halfway up the track are very long indeed, especially as he has already eaten the egg....We all wish him luck....
While the presenter is talking, Dougie collapses in the background...A team of people rush on and start doing all the external heart massage stuff and that. As the presenter walks off, a white sheet is placed over Dougie signifying that he's dead....