Help write sitcom on-site Page 4

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 4, 2008, 12:58 PM

Frankie Rage, (apparently an expedient on here)

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Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 4, 2008, 2:36 PM

Mary O Shea an ex singer of bawdy song, her stage name was Connie Lingus, is talking to Fred's wife Elsie.
Mary, "Had my first golf lesson today"
Elsie. "Oh, what was the pro like"?
Mary. "He was lovely, but talk about bad luck, at the very first...place you hit the ball from, I was stung by a bee"
Elsie. "You poor thing, before you could flirt, where was you stung"'
Mary. "Between the first and second holes.
Fred. "Sounds like your stance is too wide.

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I had to read that twice before I "got" it - and my mind couldn't get much dirtier. Anyway, a couple of points.

a) "... before you could flirt ..." - Eh?
b) Mary starts off saying that she was stung at the first hole. She then says the first and second. Make your mind up!

Maybe something like "He was lovely, but talk about bad luck! - I was stung by a bee in the first 10 minutes!" etc?

Here's an expedient: bring back Kent Pete, all is forgiven!

He's really not interested in returning, so won't be.

Now, let's change the record, eh?

Quote: Aaron @ January 4, 2008, 3:35 PM

Now, let's change the record, eh?

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I will if you will!

It's time to mellow out!

I'm taking more of a 'jazzy' look at life!

Yes Flirt, she's an old woman, remember?

Quite right, I've edited the original, she's now off the second tee.
Give her a break, she is old. That's the trouble with young people today, no respect for the old.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 4, 2008, 4:53 PM

That's the trouble with young people today, no respect for the old.

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Too true Jeff.

We know what it's like to be young and they can never forgive us for being there first!

Quote: roscoff @ January 4, 2008, 12:17 PM

I like the idea of a talent competition. They could get a celeb in to judge it.

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I'm thinking of an annual 'Founder's Day' with Bruce Forsyth in attendance. The residents might vie for an Audience with Bruce.

Quote: JohnnyD @ January 4, 2008, 6:32 PM

The residents might vie for an Audience with Bruce.

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Someone has to.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 4, 2008, 4:53 PM

Yes Flirt, she's an old woman, remember?

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Still don't get this flirt thing I'm afraid. Is it meant to be as-read that she would be flirting with the guy, given her profession?

Arthur Clegg was once, half of a knife- throwing act. Joan Benn, the other half, is deceased.
Arthur has been living in the home for two years. He still has terrible flashbacks of that long ago Saturday afternoon matinee.
Joan had been strapped onto the circular board, as she had been many times before.
As the knife was about to leave Arthur hand, a rotten tomato came from the darkness of the cheap seats, striking him a glancing blow to the head, knocking him off balance, sending the knife on a new and deadly route. The knife buried itself deep in the chest of the stage manager, who was stood nearby, checking on safety.
Arthur and Joan never worked again on the holiday camp circuit. Joan eventually died after cutting her finger slicing some bread, she was taken to hospital where she caught MRSA.
Today Arthur is having his hemorroids seen to. ELSIE. FRED AND THE GREAT EDWARDO,AMONG OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE TO BE INTRODUCED IN FURTHER SKETCHES BECAUSE THERE ARE OVER 2000 INMATES IN HERE, YOU COULD SMELL THE PISS IF YOU FLEW OVER IN A PLANE. wait anxiously for his return, as most of them will need treatment sooner or later.
The Ambulance arrives. Arthur walks, carefully, into the room.

Elsie…..What was it like, was it painful?

Arthur……..I lay on a bed with my feet up in stirrups

Elsie……Like a woman giving birth?

Arthur……Somebody came in and washed my arse. Couldn’t see who it was

Elsie……It must have been a nurse.

Arthur….Or a corridor cleaner. I really didn’t care, I was shitting myself.

Fred….So would I.

Arthur…..Eventually the doctor came in and stuck a flexible tube
with a camera on the end, up the ‘how’s your father’

Fred…..I’m not having mine done, I’ll put up with them.

Arthur…..He pointed to a screen beside me. I could see my insides on it.

Elsie……..Neither am I

Arthur…..The camera loomed through the murk. Like a deep-sea diving module.

Great Edwardo.…..Where did you have it done, on the Titanic.

Arthur…..When a ‘song of the nile’ came into view, the doctor pressed a trigger on his flexible friend, and vaporised it with a laser beam.

Fred….. Jesus, I’m definitely not going.

Arthur….He trawled through my bowel shouting ‘Yes’ at every hit, like a teenager in a games arcade

Voice from the kitchen……Dinner’s ready.

Jerf, your work is very difficult to read! The pace and flow of the dialogue comes across clunky due to your formatting. It's best to set your scripts put as below:

Fred: What was it like, was it painful?

Arthur: I lay on a bed with my feet up in stirrups

Elsie: Like a woman giving birth?

Etc

It's also essential to mention each character in the 'Scene Action' part. As I was reading your last piece of script, it seemed as though The Great Edwardo appeared from out of nowhere - How are we to know who the "other residents" consist of in this scene?

Aaron. a retired old woman flirting with a young golf pro.

Winterlight. Well he was a magician, or haven't you read the other pages?

And the fact that you had to explain it to me means it's poo.

Maybe "You poor thing; even before you could flirt with him! Where were you stung?!"

Or something alike. Reads better, explains it more, boom.

Things don't have to be explained Janet and John style to everyboby.

Poo, you know of.

Sir Aaron

It’s 10pm, Elsie and Fred are watching television alone.

Elsie snuggles up close and whispers…… I’d like to have an orgasm tonight.

Fred, without averting eyes from the TV ………Well don’t be up all night practicing,

I’m playing golf in the morning.