INT. OFFICE. DAY.
Two men standing next to each other at a nibbles table: JOHN and STEVE.
STEVE
Hi, aren't you John.. McGock? Am I saying that right?
JOHN
Hey there! Well, err, hang on: say it again.
STEVE
Oh, sorry, it's that sound, isn't it. Let me try again: McGoch.
JOHN
No, no, no. Almost, but it's McGoch.
He says it exactly identically to STEVE, down to mimicking his body language.
STEVE
Sorry, let me try again: McGoch.
He says it exactly perfectly.
JOHN is not satisfied.
JOHN
Hmm. McGoch.
STEVE
McGoch.
JOHN
No, McGoch.
STEVE
McGoch!
JOHN
Listen: McGoch.
STEVE
McGoch!!
JOHN
Mc-No, no, it doesn't matter really. I understand you. Just call me David.
STEVE
Well, come on, there's no need for that attitude.
JOHN
No, it's just-
STEVE
How are you spelling it?
JOHN
M-C-G-
STEVE
No, let's write it down.
STEVE grabs a scrap of paper.
STEVE
It's like this, no?
ECU of paper. He scribbles "Mcgoch".
JOHN
Ahh, I see. That's the problem then. You're spelling it the Irish way.
STEVE
Oh?
JOHN
Yeah, look.
JOHN scribbles something. STEVE is very confused.
ECU of paper. We see "Mcgoch" underneath STEVE's try in a different hand.
STEVE
I don't see any difference... M-C-G-O-C-H.
JOHN
Well, no, look: you've used the cursive "g". The name's actually spelt with a script g.
STEVE is baffled. Extreme close up of their two Gs: STEVE's is g whilst JOHN's is g. [[SORRY GUYS, the FONT ISN'T SHOWING UP IN THIS THREAD, BUT YOU GET IT: ROUNDED G VERSUS tIMES rOMAN DOUBLE-LOOP G]]
STEVE
And.. that makes a difference then, does it?
JOHN
Yes. Unless you're suggesting the Irish and the Scots look all the same to you.
STEVE
Heaven forbid!
Awkward pause.
STEVE
So, err, great to meet you.
He goes to shake John's hand.
STEVE (cont.)
Steven Jones.
JOHN
John David.
STEVE
Huh!?
JOHN
John David. Nice to meet you at last.
STEVE
But... I thought you were John McGoch. Or McGoch, or whatever.
JOHN
No, that's John McGoch over there.
CUT AWAY:
Big, fat bloke eating some miniature triangular sandwiches.
STEVE
So what's this whole conversation been about, then?
JOHN
I didn't want you making a fool out of yourself when you meet him, that's all.
STEVE
So.. he spells his name.. with a script g...?
JOHN
Cursive.
STEVE
Huh!??!?!
JOHN
I spell his name with a script g.. because I'm Scottish. He's Irish, however: cursive.
STEVE stands there stunned. Scene freezes.
NARRATOR (OOS)
Her Majesty's Government has decided to take swift and decisive action to commandeer this sketch and prevent its continuance.
Pause.
NARRATOR (OOS)
We believe it is far too silly and may cause deep emotional discomfort and nausea, bewilderment and abdominal cramps, and or violent fluid discharge if permitted to continue.
Pause.
NARRATOR (OOS)
Furthermore, effective immediately, any parents found spelling their children's names in the following manners will be subject to an immediate custodial sentence.
Pause.
NARRATOR (OOS)
All abuse of "C" and "K" shall cease: no Katie with a "C"; no Chris with a "K", "Q" or minus the "H"; no "Nicky" with a double "KK". No "Philip" with an "F", and no Freds with a "Ph".
PAUSE
NARRATOR (OOS)
Unless of course you're Irish, in which case you shall be permitted, upon acquiring a license, to spell your children's names whichsoever way you please, including drawing tiles randomly from a scrabble bag. To wit: Saoirse, Eoin, Aoife.
STUDIO AUDIENCE (OOS)
Mixed boos and cheers.
