I'm a fan of Flaherty's writing, so I'll give this a listen.
Change The Record - Episode One Page 2
Quote: James Cotter @ June 27 2011, 11:54 AM BSTThe story is there but with each episode develops.
Then it isn't a sitcom, dramedy maybe but not sitcom
Sooty is right. You can't keep telling people that they need to hear episode two to get it. Put the graft in to achieve this in episode one.
Ben is right when he says Sootyj is right. If you don't have the listener on the hook from the off. They ofttimes wriggle away. I have to confess to some wriggling. Hit the ground running is the way.
Quote: Kenneth @ June 27 2011, 1:47 PM BSTThe first 2 seconds of the opening piano jangle sound similar to the opening seconds of the Minder theme tune. I am pleased there is a new Cotter project.
Glad someone else noticted that.
Quite alot of mic distortion. Sound effects are a little to high in the mix.
The Jingles are to often I'm not sure if it's a radio thing. But These are points I'd address:
Get into the body of work faster put credits at the end it's 45 seconds before anything happens. We know who worked on it it's in title, description. It just made my eyes roll a bit, not a strong start.
The relationship isn't clear between the two leads. There are some good bits like Radio head but as soon as it starts getting traction you drop it and she leaves in quite unrealistic manner and then back to jingle.
There is a decent unlying gag just got lost in a lot of fluff.
Sorry.
Quote: Lady Laughter @ June 27 2011, 12:50 PM BSTI meant that it sounds like good amateur dramatics, but in the end still on the amateur end of the scale. You are pretty good, but the other two not so much. My real problem is that I didn't laugh, I suppose.
Okay we will try to up our game.
Echo the overuse of jingle - it drives you up the wall after a bit.
The two main problems for me are believability and likeability.
You need one or the other.
I just can't find anything to like about these characters.
It doesn't help that you never get to know them because the jingle keeps butting in.
And if I don't like the characters one tends to be rather unforgiving of their stupidity.
If the guy from Black Books,or Father Dougal delivered the Elvis speech it might well work.
But your character can't carry that off - and I think that's because he has no redeeming features - he's just an idiot.
I think your character is too much the straight man - a thankless task.
He needs some better lines.
Remove the jingles and replace with gags - and make the characters either charming or monsters.
There you go.
Quote: Lazzard @ June 28 2011, 1:01 PM BSTEcho the overuse of jingle - it drives you up the wall after a bit.
The two main problems for me are believability and likeability.
You need one or the other.
I just can't find anything to like about these characters.
It doesn't help that you never get to know them because the jingle keeps butting in.
And if I don't like the characters one tends to be rather unforgiving of their stupidity.
If the guy from Black Books,or Father Dougal delivered the Elvis speech it might well work.
But your character can't carry that off - and I think that's because he has no redeeming features - he's just an idiot.
I think your character is too much the straight man - a thankless task.
He needs some better lines.
Remove the jingles and replace with gags - and make the characters either charming or monsters.There you go.
I agree with that whole heartily. This was the pilot but we're working on the rest of the series and like I mentioned before there half the amount of scenes which last longer and we get to know the characters more. Also a lot less music.
I disagree with all of the negative points listed so far.
There's a very clear self-contained story here, which neatly sets up the rest of the series. Not to mention a few decent gags and an excellent performance from Cotter.
A good, professional job all round, I'd say.
Quote: don rushmore @ June 28 2011, 1:14 PM BSTI disagree with all of the negative points listed so far.
There's a very clear self-contained story here, which neatly sets up the rest of the series. Not to mention a few decent gags and an excellent performance from Cotter.
A good, professional job all round, I'd say.
Well that very nice of you to say but I have to agree with certain points made by others it's a pilot episode which in my opinion could be improved on. I'm glad you liked my performance it was quite hard being the straight man especially after Hairdressers!
Another vote to cut down or cut out the jingle. The punchline after each scene wasn't funny enough to justify it.
It's a great effort though. The writing needs to be a bit tighter and the dialogue and performances need to flow more. I think now we've heard your voices, Andrew needs to take on board the way you two perform and write specifically for your voices. James Coard/Bill's dialogue didn't feel natural, awkward if anything. Although I think if done right, he could play this part quite well. You were good James, although your character didn't have much depth. Try and get the most out of this 10 mins as you can.
With all the ribbing you receive on these forums and whilst you may rub some people up the wrong way with your refusal to take their feedback on board (although not in this case ) I think most people would like to see you succeed and create a good piece of work.
So keep at it and I look forward to the development in the next episode.
Quote: Leevil @ June 28 2011, 2:17 PM BSTAnother vote to cut down or cut out the jingle. The punchline after each scene wasn't funny enough to justify it.
It's a great effort though. The writing needs to be a bit tighter and the dialogue and performances need to flow more. I think now we've heard your voices, Andrew needs to take on board the way you two perform and write specifically for your voices. James Coard/Bill's dialogue didn't feel natural, awkward if anything. Although I think if done right, he could play this part quite well. You were good James, although your character didn't have much depth. Try and get the most out of this 10 mins as you can.
With all the ribbing you receive on these forums and whilst you may rub some people up the wrong way with your refusal to take their feedback on board (although not in this case
So keep at it and I look forward to the development in the next episode.
Certainly not in this case with reference to not taking feedback. I agree with the feedback.
I'm really into Old Time Radio, I've got hundreds, if not thousands of episodes from series from the 30's onwards including British classics such as The Glums, Cltheroe Kid, Navy Lark etc. Obviously the success of these OTR programmes relied heavily on the voices of the actors, they had to be unique, memorable and likable, even if they played the villian...
I listened to your pilot three times and each time I listened to it I liked it less and reason was the characters voices really grated on me, they appeared to be quite monotonous and lacking in inflection, they just didn't carry the whole thing along very well...
I agree with others about the jingle, how about a couple of mwah, mwah, mwahs here and there...?
The story was a bit tame and predictable but it was only the first episode...
I thought the signature was OFAHesque, catchy...
Quote: RedZed333 @ June 28 2011, 4:19 PM BSTthe appeared to be quite monotonous and lacking in inflection
Spot on.