Skit Comp 20-27.6.11

Great as usual so congratulations to KASM for wiping betwixt our cheeks, quite literally. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

7!!! - 10 - Kasm
2 - 5 - 404 Not Found
1 - 1 - Bushbaby, Shandonbelle
Speckled mention: Angiebaby, Bill Jaguar, scratchyr, Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: SPACE TRAVEL (chosen by 404 Not Found)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27.6.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

193! - Mr Sunshine
185 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Angiebaby
78 - Ishy
77 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - 404 Not Found, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Shandonbelle, Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. Apollo 11

BUZZ ALDRIN and NEIL ARMSTRONG are floating in the command module.

NEIL ARMSTRONG:
(Pointing to himself and BUZZ ALDRIN on alternate words)
Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, Catch a Ti-ger by the toe, if he squeals let him go, Eeny Meeny Miney Moe

BUZZ ALDRIN:
Nooooo, Not fair, you're only supposed to use one syllable for tiger so it should be me.
 
NEIL:
No sour grapes now Buzz, I won fairly and you know it.
 
(Neil holds his head up and clears his throat)
 
NEIL:
"It's one small step for a...."
 
BUZZ:
(Interupting)
I'm telling mission control, then you'll be in trouble,
 
(Buzz floats over to the radio and presses a button)
 
BUZZ:
Houston we have a problem! Neil cheated at the eeny meeny miney moes and now he says he should step onto the moon first, he's naughty.
 
MISSION CONTROLLER:
Now Buzz stop being silly, you're astronauts not schoolchildren, don't make me have to come up there and sort this out.

NEIL:
Hang on I've got an idea.

(NEIL grabs a mission manual, rips a page out and starts folding)
[fade out/fade in]

(NEIL is holding a paper fortune teller.)

BUZZ:
Blue

NEIL:
(While manipulating the paper fortune teller)
B-L-U-E, now choose a number.

BUZZ:
Three.

NEIL:
(opens up the fortune teller)
Aha, it says Neil Wins!

BUZZ:
Haang on let me see what the other ones say.

NEIL:
No!

(Neil screws up the paper fortune teller and shoves it in his mouth)

[fade in/fade out]

(NEIL is holding a coin)

BUZZ:
Heads.

(Neil flips the coin it flies upwards spinning. They wait for a few seconds, it does not fall back down. They look at each other in realisation)

[fade in/fade out]

MISSION CONTROLLER: [on radio]
OK on the count of three. One, two, three!

(NEIL & BUZZ both bring their hands forward from behind their back, NEIL has his fist clenched for stone, BUZZ has two fingers extended for scissors)

BUZZ:
Damnit!

THE S.S. SPACESHIP, A.K.A. 'THE BEAUTY OF THE EAST', SET OFF ON IT'S SECOND MAIDEN JOURNEY FROM LIVERPOOL ON THE 32ND OF THE MONTH LUNYIA IN THE YEAR 2, (THE YEARS WERE RESET DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR).

THE S.S. SPACESHIP TRAVELLED UNEVENTFULLY FOR MOST OF IT'S JOURNEY, EXCEPT FOR EXTRA LONG STAY ON PLANET OF THE VINZI; WHICH WAS RUMOURED TO HAVE THE MOST SUMPTUOUS AND BUBBLY BEER IN ADDITION TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND LOOSEST WOMEN FOR LIGHTYEARS AROUND. UNFORTUNATELY AFTER A PROLONGED INVESTIGATION IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT: THE BEER WASN'T SUMPTUOUS AND MORE RELUCTANTLY LIVELY THAN BUBBLY. AS FOR THE WOMEN THEY WERE AS LIVELY AS THE BEER AND AS LOOSE AS FRUIT CAKE, BUT BARELY AVERAGE LOOKING, EVEN FOR A LIVERPUDLIAN'S STANDARDS.

THEY RETURNED TO THE SHIP AND CONTINUED THEIR UNEVENTFUL TRIP UNTIL JUST 20 MILES FROM IT'S DESTINATION OF GARGELL, ON THE PLANET OF SPITTE, JUST OFF THE G1 (THE FIRST GALAXYWAY EVER BUILT) THE SHIP WAS TORN IN HALF BY THE PERPENDICULAR BISECTING ABILITIES OF A SPACE TAXI. ALL SEEMED LOST, EXCEPT THE CAPTAIN HAD AN IDEA. HE GATHERED HIS CREW ON THE BRIDGE TO EXPLAIN HIS PLAN...

CAPTAIN: Is everyone here? Yes? Good. Now I have a plan for getting to Spitte...

FIRST MATE TIBBINS: Is this an official meeting sir?

CAPTAIN: Yes, I suppose it is.

FIRST MATE TIBBINS: Then may I point out that it is Johnson's second birthday today? He's two again!

CAPTAIN: We can celebrate Johnson's birthday when we land somehow in Gargell! Now, let me explain the situation. Due to that demented space-cabby, we have lost the engines and engine room, the sleeping quarters...

CREW: We know!

CAPTAIN: And the recreational area...

CREW: We know!

CAPTAIN: The bagpipe practice and storage rooms...

CREW: We definitely know!

FIRST MATE TIBBINS: I can finally hear myself think, after being aurally harassed for an intolerable amount of time, although it has taken its toll. After months of noise, my brain has given my thoughts free rein. I find myself humming along to some classical musician called J. Beiber. My head is still swimming from when I tried to drown out the sound in the toilet.

CAPTAIN: As I was saying! We have lost a lot of the ship but we still have the kitchen and bridge and the Room Of No Requirement. Subsequently I have come up with this. We need propulsion, so we will propel the ship the only way we can...

CREW: How?

CAPTAIN: Anyone here allergic to baked beans?

THE END

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SKYLINE - NIGHT

A small glow moves over the Hollywood Hills.

CUT TO:
EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA - SAME

A spacecraft lands, the doors open, a bellow of steam is released through which E.T emerges...

E.T carries a cigarette on his lower lip, he wears red-tint sunglasses.
E.T tosses half a bottle of Scotch into some nearby bushes, he pulls out and unfolds a map which reads: Homes Of The Hollywood Stars.

CUT TO:
EXT. MANSION - LATER

E.T takes the garden path, stubs out his cigarette, breaking a garden ornament in the process he throws the pieces over a wall.

He approaches the door and rings the doorbell, as he waits he checks his reflection in the door.

The door opens. It's Drew Barrymore.

E.T holds his arms outstretched.

E.T
Surprise!

DREW
E.T?

E.T
(Drunk)
The one and only! Word reached me that you are
smoking hot these days, so I thought I'd look you up and say
hi, look at you lil' minx you did not disapoint! Are those real?
Come over here and give ya old buddy a hug!

E.T leans forward to grope her.

DREW
E.T NO!

Drew takes out her phone and dials 911.

E.T aims his finger at the phone and like magic, the phone dissolves.

E.T
I don't think so babe.

End.

IN THE VASTNESS OF SPACE, RICHARD BRANSON ADDRESSES A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE. THEY ALL WEAR SPACE SUITS AND LARGE GRINS.

BRANSON
..and so it is that we, the intrepid and wealthy few, have become the first people to take a commercial flight into space. This truly is a momentous day for man kind.

THE CROWD APPLAUDS LIGHTLY

BRANSON
Let's get this balloon moving!

THE APPLAUSE STOPS AND PEOPLE START TO PANIC AS THE BALLOON CAPSULE LEAVES THE GROUND. RICHARD GRINS, HAPPY IN HIS WORK.

END.

OUT OF THAT WORLD

PUB: GUY chatting to BARTENDER...

GUY Hi, I'm Terry. I'm from England.

BARTENDER Hi Terry. I'm Jack, I'm from the planet Nigel.

GUY What? No, you're English.

BARTENDER How dare you! I'm not English.

GUY Yes you are.

BARTENDER I'm not... Ok, I will demonstrate I'm not English. (He reaches under the bar, takes out a goose. Concentrates on the goose, then-) BOO!

EXT. NASA LAUNCH PAD - DAY

Neil Armstrong: Excuse me, does this rocket go to the moon..?

Space Controller: Nah, you want the number 11, mate...

July 20th, 1969
Int: Apollo 11
Location: SPACE!

Neil Armstrong:

Okay, Mike. Well, thanks for getting us up here and everything. We'll just be off in the old Eagle to the Moon, and we'll see you in about a day, yeah?

Michael Collins:

You want me to just wait for you? For a whole day?

Neil Armstrong:

Well, yes. That's how it works - we go off to the moon, you pick us up later.

Michael Collins:

Well that's not a problem, mate, but I will have to charge you time and a half for the waiting. I mean, I could be on any number of jobs whilst I'm waiting for you to finish farting about on the moon, y'know.

Neil Armstrong:

Uh... sure, Mike, sure. But you will be here to take us back to Earth, yeah?

Michael Collins:

Wherever you want mate. You pays the fare, you makes the rules. As long it's not south of the Equator, not at this time of night.

Neil Armstrong:

No, no... definitely North. Okay, so we'll see you in a day, and don't go taking any, um, other fares, okay fella?

Michael Collins:

No problem, guv. See you in 24 hours.

The other 3 astronauts get into the Eagle and go off to the moon. As soon as they have left, COLLINS gets to the drivers seat and flicks a little "FOR HIRE" sign on.

Michael Collins:

Heh heh heh.... Suckers.

What's up now Mr Zulu?

I just been mugged in the lift!

I'm f**king sick of this! Spock get over here!

Captain?

Zulu has just been mugged in the lift, that's the fourth mugging this week!

I would have to concur that there has been a marked increase of late Captain.

Who's doing it Spock and why?

The reason is not hard to deduce and doing so the perpetrator also becomes obvious.

Ok Spock why are they doing it?

We are, as you state weekly, on a Five Year Mission.

We're two years in, so what?

You will recall in the first week you were forced to sack a crew member for having a bad attitude.

Jenkins? He kept calling me 'Kirky'

Yes Jenkins.

What about him?.

It would be fare to say that Jenkins has not earned a wage for almost two years, yet last night for example he was as you humans say 'Worst for wear' in Ten Forward .

Of course, he's in there every f**king night! How would he be able to pay ?

Exactly and he seems to have no trouble doing so Captain, in fact I was in Ten Forward myself last night and he offered to buy me a Vulcan Vodka Cocktail.

They cost 9 credits!

I believe they're now 10 Captain.

So he's the mugger?

It would appear so Captain.

Where is he now?

According to the computer he is currently burgling Ensign Bakers quarters.

Right get security! I want this robbing bastard caught and tell them to set their phasers on Tazer.

Yes Captain!

I'll fix this robbing bastard.

Sir!

What is it Chekov?

Sir there has been an unauthorised launching of a shuttle in bay 6

Jenkins! Mr Spock.

Yes Captain?

Jenkins has stolen a shuttle and fled!.

So it would seem Captain, also security are reporting that he has also burgled your quarters and taken your c Mitra 5 Coin Collection and your Hza Wristwatch.

The cheeky bastard ! Chekov!

Yes Captain?

Track that f**king shuttle and follow it right now!

I'm afraid I can't Captain, it appears to have entered an asteroid field so I can't track it and we dare not follow.

I said follow dam you!

Captain if I may?

No you may not Spock! Have you got any idea how much those coins cost not to mention the watch! Well I will run that robbing bastard to ground if I have to traverse this universe and smash this f**king ship up doing it!

I'm afraid your human emotions are preventing you from making the obvious choice Captain. You know full well that the logical move is to second guess Jenkins, not follow him.

Of course!, Thank you Spock once again your cold logic has saved me from doing something stupid with the ship.

Chekov!

Yes Captain?

Plot a course to 3378 point six and engage warp engines to warp 9.

Aye aye sir turning to 3378 Point 6 and engaging warp engines. To warp 9

Spock give me your assessment.

At warp 9 Captain we should reach Liverpool in 3 hours.

A FARAWAY PLANET

TERRY WOGAN, DRESSED IN A CASUAL SUIT, IS SEATED IN THE LOTUS POSITION ON AN ORNATE THRONE WHICH HOVERS HIGH IN THE AIR.

A LITTLE GREEN MAN SITS IN THE LOTUS POSITION ON THE GROUND BELOW HIM.

THE GREEN MAN STARTS TO SPEAK - HIS VOICE IS AN ECHO, AS IF FROM FAR AWAY.
The TOG'S of our planet have awaited your arrival Terry Wogan. Ever since The Ginger One from Stoke on Trent took command of your breakfast show, the TOG'S have refused to leave their nap pods. They languish in a state of togified suspended animation. All that remains is the sound of collective snoring, broken only by the intermittant bursting sound of gases that ricochet down through every black hole from here to the dark side of the moon.

WOGAN
What's Rick O Shea doing going down a black hole? I haven't seen him since I left Limerick. Now Seamus, can I call you Seamus? You have the look of him, same skin. I never rehearse you know...Now ,tell your TOG'S to get out of their lazy bed's, crack their knuckles, Polly put the kettle on, do the Hucklebuck and cop themselves on.

GREEN MAN
You will come with me Terry Wogan. You will take to the stage pad and perform your mystical Floral Dance song and awaken the TOG'S from their perpetual slumbering.

WOGAN
I'm all for a bit of craic, but I've only got this 'ol suit on, how far is it to the Shepherds Bush Studio's? I think I left me Floral Dance shirt in the wardrobe department after Top of the Pops in 1978.

GREEN MAN
That will not be necessary Terry Wogan, we held an Intergalactic Fashion Funk with Gok Wan last Tuesday. He left behind many floral shirts in his haste to leave...a strange man, spoke funny.
It is time Terry Wogan.

WE SEE A GIGANTIC STAGE FILLED WITH BILLOWING SMOKE - TERRY WOGAN STANDS SHROUDED IN THE SMOG. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND BEGINS TO SING.

'I thought I could hear the curious tone, of the cornet, clarinet, and big trombone, fiddle, cello, big bass drum, bassoon, flute and euphonium. Far away, as in a trance, I heard the sound of the Floral Dance.'

A BAND OF GREEN ALIENS PLAYING A MULTITUDE OF INSTRUMENTS FILL THE STAGE.

ONE BY ONE WE SEE ELDERLY ALIEN TOG'S WAKING FROM A DEEP SLEEP, THEY CLIMB DROWSILY FROM THEIR SUSPENDED NAP PODS AND FOLLOW THE MUSIC TO THE AUDITORIUM.

THE SONG CONTINUES

'In and out of the houses they come, old folk, young folk...'

THE SMOKE CLEARS AND THE ALIEN TOG'S SEE WOGAN FOR THE FIRST TIME.
HE WEARS A WILDLY COLOURED FLORAL SHIRT AND GREY STA PRESSED TROUSERS.

'Dancing here, prancing there, jigging, jogging everywhere, up and down, and around the town...Hurrah for the Cornish Floral Dance'

THE SONG ENDS TO ECSTATIC APPLAUSE - WOGAN BOWS WITH A JAUNTY FLOURISH.

THE AUDIENCE OF ALIEN TOG'S CAN NO LONGER CONTAIN THEMSELVES. THEY STORM THE STAGE AND DIVE AT WOGAN IN FRENZIED ADORATION. ONE OF THE TOG'S OPENS HER MOUTH TO KISS HIM REVEALING LUMINOUS PURPLE TEETH - THE OTHER TOG'S CLAP WILDLY AND DANCE AROUND. A HORRIFIED WOGAN CAN FEEL SPINDLY FINGERS RUNNING THROUGH HIS HAIR AND PATTING HIM ON THE HEAD....HE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SCREAM BUT NO SOUND COMES OUT...

FADE

INT - BEDROOM

WE SEE WOGAN SITTING BOLT UPRIGHT IN BED

Holy Moses, what was that? (He ponders for a few seconds before lying back down)

I'll have to lay off the Dairylea Dunkers before bedtime.

FALLS BACK TO SLEEP.

END.

EXT. MARS

AN ASTRONAUT TAKES A STEP ON THE SURFACE OF MARS

ASTRONAUT:
This is not just a leap for mankind; it's a real triumph for those who refuse to quit. We're in a world where dreams can become reality. God bless the White House back in America and God bless us all.

CUT TO A FAMILY WATCHING THE WORDS BEING TRANSMITTED ON TELEVISION

ASTRONAUT:
This is not (static) real (static) for (static) quit. We're in a (static) where (static) house (static) in America (static).

EXT. PLANET 'Qo'noS'. DAY

Captain Kirk materialises on the Klingon planet. He's on his last legs as he staggers, slack jawed towards the 30 feet tall statue of Kahless. The valiant captain makes it to the huge, stone figure of the Klingon's spiritual leader and, in a gesture of utter defiance, unzips his flies and urinates over the feet of the sacred prophet. As he finishes, he hasn't the strength left to zip himself up and only just manages to flip open his communicator.

KIRK
Scott me up Beamy... ya Scotch basda

INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM. DAY

A party is in full swing. Spock's ears are drooping like a lop-eared rabbit's as he and Scotty peer at the screen to see their bladdered captain swaying drunkenly.

SPOCK
It appears the captain has won the dare - and boldly gone where no man has gone before.

THE CREW CHEER BEFORE WE SEE KIRK FALL FLAT ON HIS FACE JUST AS SCOTTY TRANSPORTS HIM UP ONTO THE SHIP AGAIN. SCOTTI SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY

SCOTTY
Aye, but he can'ae take it, the cap'n.

END

INT: A TARDIS FACTORY IN GALLIFREY
TWO OLD TIMELADIES ARE JUST STARTING WORK.

THE NATTERER:
Ooh I am Excited about these new TARDIS thingies they're making.

THE INTERFERER:
I don't know why they just don't stick to the good old fashioned TARD.
Now that was a Time Machine,
'
THE NATTERER:
Yes but they didn't travel in Space silly. the new TARDIS can do both.

THE INTERFERER:
Who wants to travel in Space anyway? I don't know, time's not good enough for people these days.

THE NATTERER:
You've got no adventure in either of your hearts have you?

THE INTERFERER:
Adventure? Pah! It's not like we'll ever get to go in one.

THE NATTERER:
Well we're too old to go gallivanting dear, we've both gone through the changes

THE INTERFERER:
Well I wish they'd hurry up with it, I've got Bingo at 4.30 last Friday

THE NATTERER:
It's already here, look at the conveyor belt.

THE INTERFERER:
There's nothing on it.

THE NATTERER:
No it disguises itself as it's surroundings. it is the conveyor belt.

THE INTERFERER:
So we have to check all of these while they try to disguise themselves, I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

THE NATTERER:
This is the only one they've made so far & We just need to clean it.

THE INTERFERER:
Ooh well that's different, the two of us'll be done in a Jiffy.

THE NATTERER:
That's the spirit Dear, I'll do the outside.

It's got to be 404 not found

Jack Daniels