The BBC caption is on screen. There's a show in progress.
The words "Live At The Apollo" stand illuminated in a five foot high
lettered backdrop.
A STAND UP COMIC (On an arena/stadium tour) is currently mid set.
COMEDIAN
(ref mic)
If this thing turned on? ...So my mother said
"draw your curtains" and I took out a sketchbook
and pencil... Dont you just hate it when that happens?
Eh? Eh?
(Points to a male in the front row)
Yeah, this lad here knows what I'm talking about.
The audience laugh very very loud. The lad buries his face in recognition inspired laughter.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
Another thing, what's with these new Twist N'Squeeze
improved design bottles? More like Twist N'Spill all
over my new T.Shirt! Is it me?
The audience laugh even louder than they did before. We see them in absolute stitches, many fall out of their seats and kneel bent over clutching their sides and slavvering manically with laughter.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
You ever notice how people shield their pin numbers
at the ATM? WWhat's the deal with that? I'm all like,
Whoa buddy, relax, my eyesight isn't THAT good, Im not
Superman!
The audience are now laughing so hard they're having nosebleeds and seizures, many urinate on themselves and the seats.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
So Michael Jackson uh? He died, he had bleached skin,
eccentric spending habbits, an effeminate voice and
operations on his nose. He was weird, and as if that's
not enough: HE LIKED TO SLEEP WITH BOYS! Too soon, uh?
Is it too soon?
Audience members "oooh" at the controversial subject. They laugh harder still, they clutch onto each other for physical support. Bodies are falling from the mezzanine floors, others hang from the boxes, in uncontrollable fits of gut-busting laughter.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...You know what really pisses me off though? Cats.
You ever notice the way cats look at you? They stare at
you in that dead-eyed, stone-cold way that says "Go whip me
up some tuna and sardines bitch!"
The laughter reaches a deafening level of hysterical mania, many are collapsing with heart attacks.
First aiders run down the aisle and begin helping the fallen. Ushers rush in to curtail the chaos.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...My mother tells me she's buying an I-Pad, At first
I'm all like: Okay, but, didn't you stop menstruating
years ago?
The First aiders can now hear the Comedian's bits and they're unable to stand up for laughing. The audience are throwing back their heads in total body laughter spasms. Anarchy reigns as people lose control of their muscle control, streams of vomit arch through the auditorium.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...Here's what Arnold Schwarzenegger would say if he
woke up one morning with dark skin: "I'LL BE BLACK!"
The ushers are now under the spell of this comedic-shaman. Their fierce convulsions of laughter cause one to feel his ribs break, the other fractures the wall of his chest laughing so hard.
Fires now begin to sweep the aisles as camera technicians drop equipment and fuse lights as they roll around on the floor, they ache as the laughter overpowers their every survival instinct to flee the flames.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...imagine if... I mean wouldn't it great if: Instead
of a face, David Cameron just had like, a dartboard in
the centre of his face, one that talks like a Dalek? And
like, ten dead budgies on a chain around his neck?
And like, whenever he addressed parliment his voice would
cackle like the Predator? And like, Prince Phillip would
think the Chinese are in fact a fictional clan of goblin
pixies? From a Harry Potter movie? and Cameron's willy could
play the drums? And Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow and
Robert De-niro and Col. Gaddaffi and Tony Blair and Mr T
would stand in a circle an use a phone to make crank calls to
the planet Mars? - Or as my five year old nephew likes to
call it - The planet Snickers? Wouldn't that be great?
The audience are now ROARING and SCREAMING with laughter at such vicious satire. Many are begging for mercy, others lay on their backs in delerious paroxyms.
Many more begin weeping blood from their tear ducts as their organs collapse from the internal pressure.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...So the police knock on my door and say "Hi sir,
we're in the area looking for a potentially dangerous
and violent lunatic" I say "Hey fellas, took me a year
to bag my girlfriend, go find your own!"
The comedian's previous line KILLS (Literally) hundreds of audience members... The few remaining who can still stand can produce no further sound, they laugh hoarse... Until... bloodshot eyeballs are bursting out of sockets... jaws break off and fall to the ground.
COMEDIAN (Cont'd)
...So we gets a pizza in, my dad - who is a proud
working class, ignorant yet lovable northern family man -
says "What topping's this?" I say "Ham and pineapple"
He says "Ham and pineapple? Ham AND pineapple? Ham
AND pineapple... TOGETHER?" Ha ha ha... Well that's my
time, you've all been great.
Final wide shot: Everybody present is now dead.
________________________________________________________________________
but it's always good to hear your take on my midnight ramblings, I agree, its too long and theres no real punchline except for the silence.
I didn't smile once writing it out, I was actually pissed off at watching an old Russell Howard thing on TV, but yeah, since you had my corner I'll co-adopt babies with ya, we'll get a Brangelina thing going on.
)