Jago's Cove Ep02 Scene 1

I'm open to all forms of criticism, but please enjoy.

SCENE 1. INT. FOYER - DAY

WENNA HANDS CASH TO A YOUNG GIRL STOOD AT A COFFEE COUNTER, SHE TAKES AWAY A COFFEE AND MUFFIN.

CUT TO: SCENE 1A. INT. WENNA'S OFFICE - DAY

WENNA STRUGGLES TO OPEN HER OFFICE DOOR, HER HANDS ARE FULL. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF, SQUEEZE, "PULLING MUSSELS."

WENNA They do it down on camber sands, they do it at Waikiki. Lazin' bout the beach all day, at night the crickets creepy.

JARVIS WALKS INTO THE OFFICE BEHIND HER. JARVIS Morning Miss Wenna. (Beat) Do you have a dictionary?

WENNA Never use one.

JARVIS (Picking a dictionary off the shelf of books) That's not what I asked.

WENNA I ne'er said I ne'er had one, fill your boots.

JARVIS Many thanks. Are you coming this afternoon? My big day.

WENNA Sorry I don't...

JARVIS Oh really Miss Wenna, today is the Brass Rats very first spelling bee, and I'm hosting it!

WENNA RUNS HER FINGER DOWN AN EMPTY PAGE IN HER DIARY.

WENNA I'm actually have quite a full plate today. (Goes to sip drink) I'll do my best to show my face.

JARVIS There is a prize. (Looking through his wallet) A ten pound book token for Smiths. Where's that gone? WENNA Oh give 'em a pic of Cap'n Hector instead, he'll sign it if you ask him nicely.

JARVIS I'll never see that again, I mean, would you hand in a book token if you found one?

WENNA You know, I think whoever wins will be more than happy going back to school in September with bragging rights.

JARVIS I believe you're right. I could ask Kim to whip up a certificate on the PC for me.

WENNA (Making to sip her drink) Wonderful idea, your full of them, What's your secret?

JARVIS Caffeine free diet, you really shouldn't drink that, it's not at all good for you.

WENNA (Takes a sip.) I won't be, the bloody things cold now.
JARVIS Your first step taken.

WENNA Is it?

JARVIS Is your muffin wholemeal?

WENNA Excuse me?

JARVIS Would keep you regular, high pressure job like yours could wreak havoc with your system.

WENNA I'll have you know I have perfectly healthy stools.

JARVIS It's just none of us are getting any younger, and we should take better care of ourselves.

WENNA If you must know, the coffee was caffeine free.

JARVIS Oh...

WENNA One day I may well embrace wholemeal, okay?

JARVIS I didn't mean...

WENNA Now take my dictionary and spell yourself crazy.

JARVIS LEAVES, WENNA STANDS UP AND LINES HER COFFEE CUP WITH A BUNCH OF PAPER TOWELS BEFORE DROPPING IT IN THE WASTE PAPER BASKET. SHE BEGINS SINGING AGAIN,
PULP, "UNDERWEAR."

WENNA And in a moment, he'll want to see your underwear.

LARRY ENTERS.

WENNA Mr. Selby, how can I be of service to you?

LARRY Mornin' missy.

WENNA Y'know I don't like that you.

LARRY Sorry, just thought we'd best get on top of your colour scheme ideas for next season. I've gotta get a winter order done you see?

WENNA Christ! For next season? We've only been open a week!

LARRY We've been doing it this way for years.

WENNA I know, I never get used to you being so prepared.

LARRY Anything in mind or not?

WENNA Not even thought about it to be honest.

LARRY That's okay. Have a look through this. (Throws booklet down on her desk)

WENNA I'll do that for you.

LARRY You're a goodun.

WENNA You think? It's just me doin' my job. If I were Emlyn, I'd have kicked your backside out of here and we'd be stuck with nowt but patches of earth next season.

LARRY Any favourites?

WENNA Ooh, this is nice. (Pointing to picture)

LARRY Very pretty, what is it? (Opens notebook)

WENNA Dunno, I can't read Latin. Perhaps it should be in the spelling bee.

LARRY Let me see. (Copies down name) You should come and check out the Sir Francis Drake display by the crazy golf.

WENNA If I get a chance, I'm up to my ears in work today.

LARRY Okay, hope to see you later.

LARRY LEAVES, NIALL PASSES HIM IN THE DOORWAY, HE KNOCKS ON THE OPEN DOOR.

WENNA What's ya name and where dya come from?

NIALL Err, Miss Wenna.

WENNA (Looks up from unwrapping her muffin) Yes?

NIALL I've been cooking up a storm in the kitchen.

WENNA That's why I pay you.

NIALL Well yeah, but...

WENNA (With a mouth full of muffin) What?

NIALL Fancy coming for a taste test?

WENNA What dya need me to taste it for?

NIALL It's along a similar theme as the menu, but a little more contemporary.

WENNA Meaning?

NIALL I've made a mock turtle soup.

WENNA Gosh, what's in it?

NIALL I'd sooner you just tasted it, but there are no turtles.

WENNA Well, I'm not very adventurous you see, if you were talking cocktails, I could help you there.

NIALL I just thought you'd like to be involved.

WENNA Well, thanks but no thanks Heston. I'm swamped here.

NIALL LEAVES AND WENNA CLOSES HER EYES, LEANING BACK IN HER CHAIR.

WENNA (Singing) If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on honey tell me so.

WENNA TURNS TO SEE ASH STOOD IN THE DOORWAY WITH AN HOMEMADE PAPER MACHE MONKEY IN A PIRATE COSTUME.

WENNA What the?

ASH Miss Wenna...

WENNA And this is?

ASH This is Marty.

WENNA Marty?

ASH The monkey?

WENNA So I see.

ASH I've been working on him for a couple of seasons now, I finished his costume yesterday.

WENNA What is he exactly?

ASH I thought Cap'n Hector needed a companion.

WENNA He does if he's spent the last couple of seasons making a paper mache monkey.

ASH I thought there was a gap in the market for stuffed dolls and toys, what dya think?

WENNA He's very cute.

ASH Thanks. I can't believe he's finally here, it's been a dream of mine for so long.

WENNA Well, what now?

ASH I need a new hobby.

WENNA Have you tried Sudoku?

ASH Only the novelty loo rolls.

WENNA And?

ASH I prefer triple velvet.

WENNA What? Right you two, follow me.

CUT TO:

Hi Al, from one Parry to another...

I'm gonna mostly be critical, but I hope you don't go awol and top yourself; I'm just gonna tell you a bunch of things I think you could improve.

First off, everything I've read / seen says you don't need to write "scene 1", and in fact, they advise against numbering your scenes.

You also shouldn't put a specific song, as you may not be able to get it. The advice I read is to put something like "[...] like Squeeze's 'Pulling Mussels'" or whatever.

Lose the pseudo-dialect or accent writing (unless it's crucial to the story). So, I've never heard anyone saying "ne'er" other than in set phrases, e.g., "ne'er-do-well". Also, stuff like "Cap'n" etc can become quite hard to read. LEt the actors decide for themselves (or let the Director decide for the actors!) how they should say it. Too much of this sort of thing I have also seen advised against, and it is a touch jarring.

Unless it's somehow crucial, I don't think you need the following scene. Why? Because we can see she's just bought a coffee.

SCENE 1. INT. FOYER - DAY

WENNA HANDS CASH TO A YOUNG GIRL STOOD AT A COFFEE COUNTER, SHE TAKES AWAY A COFFEE AND MUFFIN.

I think the dialogue is reasonably natural sounding, and that's a good thing! However, I didn't find this extract particularly funny. I did find the "stools" comment amusing; not just cos I'm an overgrown child, but because I think it revealed the voice of that character very well.

They do in film screenplays Bryan, not in television scripts!

Quote: Marc P @ June 22 2011, 3:06 PM BST

They do in film screenplays Bryan, not in television scripts!

View original

Fair dos, but I would assume from the title -- "Ep02 Scene 1" -- that we are talking TV here.

I find the dialogue somehow quite, I dunno heavy? It's quite staccato back and forth.

Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 22 2011, 3:11 PM BST

Fair dos, but I would assume from the title -- "Ep02 Scene 1" -- that we are talking TV here.

View original

Exactly. So you number your scenes.

Quote: Marc P @ June 22 2011, 3:14 PM BST

Exactly. So you number your scenes.

View original

Not really following you. At this stage of production , i.e., before its even been pitched, you don't number them in TV scripts (so says everything I've read). And you yourself said as much: "They do in film screenplays Bryan, not in television scripts!"

...

I meant they advise against numbering them in film scripts, not in TV scripts! In TV scripts they get numbered. Not sure where you read that they don't?

Quote: Marc P @ June 22 2011, 3:21 PM BST

I meant they advise against numbering them in film scripts, not in TV scripts!

View original

Confuser!

In TV scripts they get numbered. Not sure where you read that they don't?

If I run across some references, I will post them up.

I have read that, in this kind of early stage of production, you wouldn't number the scenes. Only later, after production had started, and you had the shooting script, etc, would the scenes get numbered.

No TV scripts from first draft have scenes numbered. A shooting script is a different thing and not put together by the writer.

Having said that I am writing a book with no chapter numbers because I shuffle things around but when I finish the first draft I will number the chapters

right, the reason for the numbering of the scenes is because two that I am currently reading through, namely phoenix nights. I had not even thought about naming the songs, I'm sure that they can be easily substituted for something just as fitting. the accent writing I thought was important for wenna particularly as I'm attempting to convey that she is cornish, this can be easily edited out. cap'n, for the same reason, she, as you would find out in a future scene, is attempting to recreate a little bit of cornwall in her new found home. is it not okay to watch her buy her coffee and follow her to her door?
I don't see the problem here.

marc p and sooty j thanks for coming back to read a little more, I hope you can see I have tried to take on board any past advice and use it to my advantage.

a little bit more...

CUT TO: SCENE 2. INT. ARCADE - DAY

WENNA, ASH AND MARTY WALK THROUGH THE ARCADE TO THE OFFICE. WENNA KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

WENNA Ringo, you there?

RINGO (O.S.) Miss Wenna, that you? Let me get the catch.

RINGO OPENS THE DOOR, WENNA STEPS INSIDE, ASH MOVES TO FOLLOW BUT THE DOOR IS CLOSED IN HIS FACE.

CUT TO: SCENE 3. INT. ARCADE OFFICE - DAY

INSIDE THE OFFICE RINGO IS SAT BEHIND A DESK WHERE HE HAS BEEN WORKING ON A CROSSWORD.

RINGO Miss Wenna, to what do I owe this pleasure?

WENNA Ringo, I know you're a busy man. But, Ash has something quite brilliant to show you.

RINGO This I must see.

RINGO OPENS THE DOOR, AND STEPS OUT, WENNA STUDIES THE CROSSWORD BEFORE FOLLOWING HIM.

CUT TO: SCENE 4. INT. ARCADE - DAY RINGO Alright Ash?

ASH Ringo.

RINGO What's this you've got here?

ASH Marty the Monkey, a pirates best friend.

RINGO Very cute, marketable too.

ASH You really think so?

WENNA How about that? Ringo really knows what the kids like too, works in 'ere with 'em all day. We'll have to look into getting a costume made.

ASH Aw, thanks.

RINGO PATS ASH ON THE SHOULDER AND HEADS BACK INTO HIS OFFICE. WENNA AND ASH TURN TO WALK AWAY.

WENNA You got Ringo's mobile number?

ASH Yes Miss Wenna.

WENNA Send him a text for me, four down is Mojito.

ASH Will do.

ASH AND WENNA GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.

CUT TO:

Quote: Al Parry @ June 22 2011, 11:51 AM BST

I'm open to all forms of criticism, but please enjoy.

SCENE 1. INT. FOYER - DAY

WENNA STRUGGLES TO OPEN HER OFFICE DOOR, HER HANDS ARE FULL.
JARVIS WALKS INTO THE OFFICE BEHIND HER. JARVIS Morning Miss Wenna. (Beat) Do you have a dictionary?

WENNA You made me jump I thought you were a rapist or Bradd Pitt or maybe both (pause) who uses dictionaires any way? Haven't you got a smart phone?

JARVIS (Picking a dictionary off the shelf of books) That's not what I asked.

WENNA I ne'er said I ne'er had one, fill your boots.

JARVIS Many thanks. Are you coming this afternoon? My big day.

WENNA Sorry I don't...

JARVIS Oh really Miss Wenna, today is the Brass Rats very first spelling bee, and I'm hosting it! Other holiday parks may have the internet, or quazar or karaoke. But we've got a spelling bee.

WENNA RUNS HER FINGER DOWN AN EMPTY PAGE IN HER DIARY HOLDING IT AN ANGLE JARVIS CAN'T SEE THE CONTENTS.

WENNA I'm actually have quite a full plate today, lots of meetings this place doesn't run it's self. (Goes to sip drink) I'll do my best to show my face.

JARVIS There is a prize. (Looking through his wallet) A ten pound book token for Smiths. Where's that gone?

WENNA Oh give 'em a pic of Cap'n Hector instead, he'll sign it if you ask him nicely. He may even kiss it if you ask him very nicely.

WENNA LOOKS AT THE MUFFIN AND SEE'S STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF IT IS A RATHER STICKY SMITHS TOKEN.

WENNA
Is that it over there (points in the corner Jarvis darts over to look, she screws it up and chucks it in the bin)?

JARVIS
No Miss Wenna, will this come out of my wages?

WENNA
Not this time, but it had better be the last.

JARVIS
Right you are Miss Wenna next time I'll put it straight in the safe. It'll only be in danger when I'm bringing it back to the cove.

WENNA You know, I think whoever wins will be more than happy going back to school in September with bragging rights.

JARVIS I believe you're right. I could ask Kim to whip up a certificate on the PC for me.

WENNA (Making to sip her drink) Wonderful idea, your full of them, What's your secret?

JARVIS Organic diet, macrobiotic and caffeine free you really shouldn't drink that, it's not at all good for you.

WENNA (Takes a sip.) I won't be, the bloody things cold now.
JARVIS Your first step taken.

WENNA Is it?

JARVIS Is your muffin wholemeal?

WENNA Excuse me?

JARVIS Would keep you regular, high pressure job like yours could wreak havoc with your system.

JARVIS I used to be addicted to coffee, one maybe 2 cups of mellow Birds did unspeakable things to my bowels.

WENNA Good please don't speak them and if you must know, the coffee was caffeine free.

WENNA UNSELF CONCIOUSELY OPENS A CAN OF Red Bull AND TAKES A LONG SWIG

JARVIS Oh...

WENNA All this spelling, we're not going to get mistaken for a satanic witch cult?

JARVIS I didn't think of that...

WENNA Should've. Now take my dictionary and spell yourself crazy. Oh and Jarvis.

JARVIS
Yes Miss Wenna?

WENNA No rude words!

View original

A slight fiddle with the first part.

sootyj, sootyj, sootyj.....

writing partners? I'm joking, but I really enjoy how you tweak my scenes, give them fresh eyes and ideas. I liked a lot of what you did there, but how much of it can I take credit for? Thanks for taking the time out, once again.

anyhow, here is scene 5

SCENE 5. INT. WENNA'S OFFICE - DAY

WENNA RETURNS TO HER OFFICE AND POURS HERSELF A DRINK AT THE WATER COOLER BESIDE HER DESK. THERE IS A KNOCK AT HER DOOR, WENNA PICKS UP A SIGN ON HER DESK THAT READS "HAPPY TO HELP." SHE LOOKS AT IT AND PLACES IT FACE DOWN ON HER DESK. THERE IS A SECOND KNOCK AT HER DOOR.

WENNA
Come in.

TOMMY ENTERS.

TOMMY
Am I interrupting anything?

WENNA
I'm all yours Tommy.

TOMMY
The suns cracking the flags out there today.

WENNA
(Agitated)
Is this business Tommy? I've a lot to be getting on with, I've barely time to breathe. I'd love to be able to put my feet up and shoot the breeze with you. If it were up to me, we'd be in the Brass Rat with a Britvic and lemonade, watching "Homes Under the Hammer." But, matters are pressing.

TOMMY
I love that show, I don't get to see it now I'm not on nights. I've really gotta dig deep for my fill of Martin Roberts. Top telly bloke.

WENNA
Yeah, he's a real man, the cream to my strawberries.
(Back in the room)
Anyhow, what were it you wanted?

TOMMY
Strawberries and cream always makes me think 'bout Wimbledon.

WENNA
(Quite cross)
But what can I do for you?

TOMMY
(Pouring himself a water)
Oh, apologies. You know old Cyril? Works on accommodation. He's thinking about opening up business for himself, you see he's been talking lots bout what he did while he was off having his knee replacement.

WENNA
Nasty accident that.

TOMMY
Four months he was off, well he took up making things with his hands. Smashing little bird tables and kid's garden stuff.

WENNA
The tree house, build that did he?

TOMMY
Yeah, but it was nothin' structural, he just missed a rung climbing the ladder. What I'm saying Miss Wenna is that there is a whole lot of people out there with many talents, interesting people. They all wanna meet the real you, fancy a walk? Really you'll enjoy yourself.

WENNA
I'm far from an enigma. On my way in this mornin' I was speakin' with Glenda.

TOMMY
Glenda?

WENNA
(Puts teeth out like a rabbit)
Bucktooth Glenda?

TOMMY
She's a Glenda? I've always called her Cottontail.

WENNA
(Giggling)
You are cruel. Well she has a keen interest in knitting like me you see, and she's just finished an hundred and fifty woolen breasts for the women's hospital, helping to show how to breast feed. Had a real struggle with the nipples she said.

TOMMY
Needles and nipples, don't sound right to me. Thing is, I promised all the girls on the Gold Coast that you'd come over and talk to 'em.

WENNA
Christ! Tommy Temple, what made you do that?

TOMMY
I promised when I took this job on that I'd close the gap between management and the shop floor. We've a common bond after all, humanity.

WENNA
Right on Wolfie.

TOMMY
(Ignoring her)
And I see the simplest way to bring you closer together is for you to reach out to them, and make yourself more accessible.

WENNA
That reminds me, when you speak to Chubby, I wanna new lock for this door, maybe a spy hole.

TOMMY
I don't mean to preach to you.

WENNA
I should hope not!

TOMMY
So, is two o'clock okay? In stores three.

WENNA
Have you not been listening to a word I've said? I've a spelling bee to attend this afternoon.

TOMMY
I didn't realise, I'll have to go and let the girls down. I'll have to be gentle, Lindsay was really looking forward to seeing you, and she's a real temper that one, Anka, the foreign placement, never came back after the curious incident in the night with the feather duster.

WENNA
Oh, very well, I'll be there just before they clock off.

TOMMY
Thanks, you'll be amazed at what they're doing out there. The windows are gleaming, you can nearly see yourself in 'em. I'll see you later.

WENNA
Don't mention it!

CUT TO:

more a bit of fun with me.

but note some of the changes, taking out the buying muffin bit, making Jarvis a bit creepier and geekier. Also Weena doesn't seem the type just to randomly discuss her stools and if she did it would be more of her character.