Hi all,
For those of you who have helped in the past, I am grateful, this is my first piece of finished work that has undergone a substantial edit, please read and leave feedback, positive or otherwise, all is welcome. I hope you enjoy.
SCENE 1. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - NIGHT
IN A LESS THAN HALF FULL VENUE, DEXTER AND CHLOE (SWASHBUCKLERS/ENTS. STAFF), ARE ON STAGE SWORDFIGHTING. LONNIE AND RINGO ARE STOOD AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM WATCHING.
DEXTER Yaaarrr!
CHLOE Yaaaaarrrrrrrr!
DEXTER Yaaaaarrrrrrr!
DEXTER COLLAPSES, COUGHING FROM EXERTION.
CHLOE Ya ha, I win! And now, from the cursed town of Maidstone, it's Chicory Tip! Yaar!
DEXTER (Peevishly) Yaar!
CHICORY TIP ENTER THE STAGE TO MILD APPLAUSE, THEY APPEAR DISHEARTENED AT THEIR
FALL FROM GRACE. THEY BEGIN TO PLAY.
LONNIE Who are these? Ringo, any good?
RINGO IS INTENTLY WATCHING A FIFTY SOMETHING WOMAN PLOUGHING COINS INTO A FRUIT MACHINE FROM A POLYSTYRENE CUP. SHE IS DRESSED ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATELY FOR A WOMAN OF HER AGE.
RINGO Ssshhh, that's gonna payout any second. C'mon, ya know she wants it!
THE WOMAN SLAMS HER HANDS DOWN ON THE MACHINE, FRUSTRATINGLY OUT OF CHANGE, SHE WALKS AWAY.
RINGO Come to daddy, he's gonna pull your lever.
RINGO TAKES ONE COIN FROM HIS POCKET AND INSERTS IT INTO THE MACHINE. ON THE SECOND WHIRL, CASH STARTS DROPPING OUT.
RINGO I told ya Lonnie lad, half a monkey! Oh baby! (Stuffing coins into all of his pockets)
LONNIE TURNS ON HIS HEEL AND WALKS AWAY, DISGUSTED
CUT TO: SCENE 2. INT. FOYER - NIGHT
LONNIE IS WALKING AROUND AN EMPTY ARCADE, HE APPEARS TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY. A GUEST APPROACHES HIM, THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW EACH OTHER.
GUEST #1 That's not, it is, it's you! Lonnie my ald mucker!
LONNIE Hiya.
GUEST #1 What are ya doin' in that bloody suit? I thought I'd seen the last of ya, not here on holiday?
LONNIE I retired as you know, but then Franco got caught with his kecks down.
GUEST The dirty ald dog!
LONNIE Yeah, so I'm out playing a quick nine, and me mobile goes, it's Miss Wenna. She's crying and she knows I know the centre.
GUEST #1 Begged you back in tears?
LONNIE Not exactly, but, here I am. In a suit, first time I've worn one since my wedding day. She says I have to, commands respect. Duty Manager, boy done good eh?
GUEST #1 Ay..
LONNIE I missed it. She's always gone to night school, me retiring changed nothin'. She's just taken up Russian. Been sat around watchin' the telly, and the footy's finished, so I might as well come back. I may even get things done properly.
GUEST #1 Maybe. Say, what's the band like?
LONNIE No idea, never heard of them.
CUT TO: SCENE 3. INT. THE BRASS RAT - NIGHT
LONNIE IS RUNNING THROUGH AN INTERNAL FIRE CHECK WITH HIS SECURITY REPLACEMENT EMLYN, WHO IS DISINTERESTED AND IS BUSY PLAYING WITH HIS SMART PHONE.
LONNIE Em, all the extinguishers should be sealed and have full pressure. You looking?
EMLYN (Distracted) I'd been sat for five minutes waiting for this number and when he called it. O.M.G Bingo!
LONNIE That bloody thing should be in your locker.
EMLYN McFly are touring, I'm not gonna miss them again.
LONNIE Busted!
EMLYN No, McFly, keep up will ya.
LONNIE No you're busted! (Snatches mobile phone) Gimme that.
EMLYN (Pleading) But, they'll sell out!
LONNIE I don't care.
EMLYN Was sup with you?
LONNIE You never should've got my job!.
EMLYN You've been tellin' 'em 'bout damaged lights and doors for two years, they take no notice.
LONNIE Now I get the reports and I intend to fix them.
EMLYN Ah whatever.
LONNIE Who the hell are McFly anyway?
CUT TO: SCENE 4. INT. FOYER - NIGHT
ASH IS DOING SOME VOCAL EXERCISES, JUST INSIDE THE FRONT DOORS, IT IS A SLOW FIRST EVENING OF THE SEASON. IN WALK A FAMILY OF FOUR, PARENTS WITH ONE TEENAGER AND A YOUNGER CHILD
ASH Aaar me hearties, I be Cap'n Hector Hughes and I bid ye welcome to Jago's Cove.
GUEST #2 Oh f**k off!
THE FAMILY WALK AWAY TOGETHER, THE CHILD IS NOT REPRIMANDED, HIS OLDER BROTHER RUFFLES HIS HAIR WHILST LAUGHING.
CUT TO: SCENE 5. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - NIGHT
HEATH AND ELWOOD ARE STOOD TOGETHER ON THE DOOR, WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE ROOM.
HEATH I get in the lounge, and there's only a busy jacket on the armchair.
ELWOOD Get caught?
HEATH Nah different night, when I took a ring off some birds finger, thought she was sleeping!
ELWOOD Jeez.
HEATH I know. Anyway, I thought sod this pig, and I pissed all over his telly, sparks everywhere.
ELWOOD You are a cock!
LONNIE APPROACHES THE PAIR.
LONNIE Glad to be back open?
HEATH Alrigh' Lonnie?
LONNIE You know Miss Wenna is on the prowl, so...
HEATH I'll be off then.
LONNIE That's my boy. Elwood, some numbskull in there smoking. Open your eyes eh?
ELWOOD I'll sort it.
CUT TO: SCENE 6. INT. ARCADE - NIGHT
HEATH IS STOOD BESIDE RINGO, WATCHING HIM POUR CASH INTO A FRUIT MACHINE. A YOUNG ATTRACTIVE MAN APPROACHES HEATH.
BYRON Yo buddy.
HEATH Hey.
BYRON Byron, I'm looking for Ash, from Ents.
HEATH Y' mean Cap'n Hector.
BYRON That his Swashbuckler name? Do they choose their own?
ASH APPEARS FROM NOWHERE.
ASH Aaay we do..
BYRON Cool, you Ash?
ASH Character names on the deck.
BYRON Serious?
ASH Yeah, so Cap'n Hector. Don't forget!
HEATH Done owt like this before Byron?
BYRON No, makes me a virgin I guess.
ASH Be ready for some harsh realities.
BYRON I'm from Hammersmith bro', I'll be fine.
ASH (To Byron) Whatever! (To Heath) I'll look after him from here Elwood..
HEATH It's Heath, don't forget it!
BYRON Cheers Heath, grab you later.
ASH We don't socialise with them (beat) gorillas.
BYRON Don't we?
ASH Never!
CUT TO: SCENE 7. INT. ENTS OFFICE - NIGHT
ASH AND BYRON ARE SAT AT A DESK STREWN WITH PAPERWORK, THERE IS A TV SCREENING CHICORY TIP ON STAGE IN THE PICKLED PARROT.
BYRON Can't wait to get started.
ASH (Into Radio) The wind machine, mess their hair up, think Scissorhands. (To Byron) I don't give a shit who's on stage!
BYRON Whatever, work innit?
ASH (Attempting to sound threatening) I don't hold back, understand?
BYRON You're the Guv'nor.
ASH (Lifts briefcase onto desk, and opens it, displaying two sets of keys, sandwiches, and a Jago's Cove flyer with himself on the cover) Christ, look at that would ya, My mug on the cover.
BYRON What's on the butties?
ASH Egg and marmite.
BYRON (Holding up flyer)
Yeah, you look well here, last seasons?
ASH No ya cheeky bastard!
BYRON (Points to PC software box) Magic of Photoshop eh?
ASH Yeah, what? No, but the kids think I'm Jack Sparrow's bezzy.
BYRON You mean I won't get to meet him?
ASH We did have the Pirates of Penzance here last year.
BYRON (Sarcastically) Hardly Willy Wonka.
ASH (Eating sandwiches) Scrumdiddlyumptious!
BYRON So keys?
ASH I'll walk you over to staff block now.
CUT TO: SCENE 8, INT. ARCADE - NIGHT
EMLYN IS ATTEMPTING TO IMPRESS LONNIE WITH RHYTHM STICKS (ELECTRONIC DRUM STICKS)
EMLYN Eh Lon, listen. What's this? (Plays drum solo from "Wipe Out")
LONNIE (Nonplussed) Hawaii Five-O
EMLYN Ha, no, it's "Wipe Out".
(Begins playing for a second time)
ASH AND BYRON EXIT OFFICE DOOR DIRECTLY INTO THE ARCADE, ASH IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO EMLYN'S RHYTHM STICKS.
ASH Shit man, giz a whirl! These are freaking awesome! (Snatches Rhythm Sticks from Emlyn and begins playing "In the Air Tonight"
EMLYN Listen to that, Dairy Milk!
ASH Hey Emlyn, always carry a knife, case you see a wasp land on your wife's neck.
EMLYN (Laughing uncontrollably) Beauty! All ready for the Induction tomorrow?
ASH Can't wait, gives me a chance to tell a few of me bluies.
LONNIE Be sure to colour in between the lines.
ASH As always.
LONNIE
(Breaks wind loudly) Ya know when ya get to my age your farts turn to dust.
BYRON (Laughing) You dirty bastard!
MISS WENNA JAGO, SITE OWNER APPROACHES THE GROUP.
LONNIE Miss Wenna, how are you this evening?
WENNA 'Ansome Lonnie dear. How you coping Emlyn, those buggers not giving you the runaround?
EMLYN They wouldn't dare Miss Wenna!
WENNA Really? Look over there, poor Heath's eyes are out on stalks, he's been hanging around that new maid like bees round a honey pot, best 'ave a word eh?
EMLYN I'll go kick him up the arse!
WENNA Kick him up the arse, Miss Wenna!
EMLYN Of course Miss Wenna, apologies.
EMLYN WALKS AWAY.
WENNA (Winks to Emlyn, turns to Byron) Byron, settlin' in alrigh'? Ash will see you good I'm sure. 'Member my doors always open. (Obviously taken by him)
BYRON Miss Wenna, I shan't forget that, but I'm good thanks.
WENNA Best get beauty sleep all of you, induction tomorrow.
ASH I got some new jokes Miss Wenna.
WENNA Lookin' forward to it Ash. (Turns to Lonnie) We need to keep him off the floor.
LONNIE Leave it with me Miss Wenna.
WENNA You're a treasure, I'm so glad you came back.
LONNIE I couldn't say no to you Miss Wenna now could I?
CUT TO: SCENE 9. INT. ARCADE - DAY
ASH IS HOVERING AROUND RINGO WHO IS RESTOCKING A CLAW/GRABBING MACHINE WITH SOFT TOYS.
ASH I always look forward to induction, chance to show what separates us Swashbucklers from the rest of ya.
RINGO Yeah, special aint ya?
ASH That's the word! Dexter's sortin' me props out.
RINGO Well, I'm sure everybody's up for it!
ASH No such thing as a tough crowd. I can show Byron what we're all about, not sure if he's really cut out for this.
RINGO Seems like a top bloke.
ASH Well performing is different, I doubt he'll last the season.
RINGO You're probably right.
CUT TO: SCENE 10. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
DEXTER RUSHES TO ASH AND HANDS MAKES A PERFORMANCE OF HANDING A BAG OF PROPS TO HIM. OTHER STAFF ARE MINGLING AWAITING THE START OF THE INDUCTION.
DEXTER Cap'n, Cap'n, I couldn't get an Osama mask, so Chloe cut his face outta today's paper and stuck it on the punch doll.
ASH
(Holding puppet aloft) Chris sakes, I was gonna use Punch and Judy for the Cameron and Clegg stuff!
DEXTER Sorry boss.
ASH I'll have to drop it and do some Prince Philip stuff, I feel faint.
DEXTER You look pale, dya want one of your black and greens boss?
ASH Yeah, yeah. Jarvis, Jarvis get behind that bar of yours, I need a glass of peppermint!
JARVIS Excuse me, but I am not your personal aid! Send than man servant of yours, Dexter, to the shop. I'm sure he could retrieve you a Lucozade without hiccup.
ASH Presumptuous tosser! I'm 'aving a funny turn 'ere. (Breath quickening)
ELWOOD Stage fright? Smacks of a lack of preparation that does!
DEXTER Ignore him boss.
ASH Where's my f**king Lucozade?
DEXTER But you never...
ASH Go!
CUT TO: SCENE 11. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
BYRON WALKS UP TO ASH.
BYRON Looks like you've gone to a lot of trouble.
ASH Well it's my first gig since February half-term.
BYRON I'm looking forward to seeing you go to work, good luck dude.
ASH Watch and learn, watch and learn. You're up this afternoon for Pop the Pirate aint ya? You'll get there with experience, been doing this since I was eighteen, I'm thirty six now. (Wondering where his life has gone) When you've been doin' this twenty years like me, you won't need luck! Gotta live it you see! Ne'er break character, my rule that. It's a pirate's life for me!
DEXTER No Lucozade boss, got ya a Capri Sun.
ASH Cheers. (Beat) There's no fricking straw!
CUT TO: SCENE 12. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
THERE ARE A FEW CHAIRS ON THE DANCE FLOOR WHICH ARE INHABITED BY SENIOR STAFF MEMBERS, THE REST OF THE STAFF ARE SPREAD ABOUT THE ROOM AT TABLES. WENNA TAKES THE FLOOR.
WENNA Okay, hello everybody. For those of you who are new here, I'm Miss Wenna Jago, your site manageress, the rest of you, welcome back.
ASH APPLAUDS HYPERENTHUSIASTICALLY.
WENNA I expect respect and hard work from each of you. That includes you Niall, after your exploits last season, Casanova had nothing on you, so ladies, keep your hands on your ha'penny.
STAFF REACT, GIRLS TURN TO LOOK FOR NIALL.
WENNA Now, a man who needs little introduction, back from his easy chair, Lonnie Hughes, your new Duty Manager.
ASH GROANS AS LONNIE TAKES THE FLOOR.
LONNIE At my age there is nothing so easy 'bout getting out of a chair. Anyway, glad to be back! I'm no longer on security, so if any Swashbucklers fancy a pint later, giz a shout.
BIG OOH FROM SECURITY TABLE, BEFORE LAUGHTER.
LONNIE Oh behave you lot! We get regular returning guests here, but that doesn't mean that there is no place for change. Miss Wenna and I intend to performance this summer, and together we've managed to finance a reward package, so the carrot is clearly positioned on the end of the stick. One hundred per cent attendance is something to strive for, you may end up with a day out at Legoland!
TOMMY WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.
LONNIE Sorry, Thorpe Park. So handing over to your new Services Manager, another former security guard, let's hear it for Tommy Temple.
MILD APPLAUSE AS TOMMY TAKES THE FLOOR AND LONNIE LOOKS AROUND FOR HIS SEAT.
TOMMY (Sarcastically) Cheers old man. Are you alright? Can you not find your seat? Yeah, there it is, with the cushion.
LONNIE I've still got your number sunshine!
LAUGHS.
TOMMY I shan't keep you long, I know Ash has something spectacular planned. As Lonnie said I am taking charge of Services, and the first thing I want to do is get a big hand for our eldest staff member Mr. Larry Selby, still going strong at seventy years young, stand up Larry.
APPLAUSE.
TOMMY He's has just been for his yearly medical Larry has, his doctor asked him for a urine and stool sample, so Larry gave him his underpants!
MILD LAUGHTER.
LARRY You'll get old one day, if ya live long enough!
CROWD WHOOPS, CLEARLY SIDING WITH LARRY.
CUT TO: SCENE 13. INT. SHOP - DAY
EMLYN IS STOOD BEHIND A WOMAN AT THE CHECKOUT WHO IS TAKING HER TIME, HE IS CLEARLY FRUSTRATED.
GUEST #3 Can I get ten L&B, sorry no two tens. Cheers. No a twenty and a ten and the same with those menthols. Only two tens. Actually no, just ten menthol. Superkings. I'll have some chewy.
SHOP ASSISTANT HANDS HER WHAT SHE HAS REQUESTED.
GUEST #3 Yeah thanks. And ya keep yer body spray behind 'ere don't ya? Dunno why, I've never seen anyone try and nick a can of Sure Men. (Laughs at own joke) Can I have a thing of Impulse, Temptation? It's gotta be that, cause I come out in blotches otherwise, they get everywhere, y'know? My pits are soaked, I'm hangin'! Giz half a bottle of Bacardi an' all will ya? Make that a quarter, I'm skint till my giro goes in tomorrow. Cheers babes.
EMLYN You here on one of the cheap breaks out the paper?
GUEST #3 How dya guess? (Pays for goods and goes to walk away)
EMLYN Oh, just a hunch. (Under his breath) Dirty skank!
CUT TO: SCENE 14. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
TOMMY So movin' on. I suppose it's time for me to step aside for our very own Entertainment Coordinator, Ashley Martinez.
MILD APPLAUSE. DEXTER MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FLOOR CARRYING A PORTABLE CD PLAYER.
DEXTER Introducin' (Hits play on CD player, Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" plays) Cap'n Hector Huuuuughes!
ASH MOONWALKS TO THE CENTRE OF THE DANCE FLOOR, THE CROWD IS BEMUSED.
ASH Here's Johnny! Hi di hi! (Awaits response)
DEXTER (Returning to seat, music stopped) Hi di ho!
ASH So, Michael Jackson had to undergo a post mortem after his passing, to determine the reason of his death. The corner couldn't decide whether to blame it on the sunshine, blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the good times, or blame it on the boogie.
CROWD ARE EMBARRASSED. ASH ROOTS THROUGH HIS CARRIER BAG OF PROPS AND RETRIEVES SOME WOOLEN ROYAL FAMILY DOLLS.
ASH So, (Making the puppets talk to each other) Princess Catherine says to the Queen. (Girls voice) "Your Majesty, every time I suck Prince William's cock, I get a tummy ache." (Poor Queen impression) "Have you tried Andrew's?"
SMALL AMOUNT OF THE CROWD GIGGLE, ASH PULLS OUT A BIN LADEN MASKED PUNCH DOLL.
ASH So, Osama is lookin' down on Al Qaeda, wonderin' why they're whining. (Poor Osama bin Laden impression) "Everybody just got a promotion." (Beat) Prince Philip said, (Poor Prince Philip impression) "This assassination looks like it was handled by Pakis!"
CROWD GROANS, SOME SHOUT "GET OFF!" WENNA RUSHES TO THE FLOOR.
WENNA (Clapping) Thank you Ashley, thank you very much. Everybody, Ashley Martinez He's here all summer!
ASH SKULKS AWAY AND IS CONSOLED BY DEXTER.
WENNA Thanks everybody for turning out, you will be paid for this today. I wanna give thanks now to Jarvis, who has put up some refreshments for us all. Take some time now to mingle.
CUT TO: SCENE 15. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
LONNIE Hi
ELWOOD Hi
HEATH No Emlyn?
LONNIE He is in.
ELWOOD We were just wonderin'...
LONNIE Listen, will you two go for a walk?
HEATH A patrol?
LONNIE Yeah, we're open after all, and you're on the clock.
ELWOOD What about the minglin'?
LONNIE Don't take the piss!
HEATH C'mon El.
LONNIE There is still a job to do.
HEATH Yeah alright Lon.
CUT TO: SCENE 16. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
ASH It's about bouncebackability.
BYRON Sure. I thought it was funny.
ASH Yeah?
BYRON Who's on the circuit this year?
ASH I've been onto Davro, but he's ignoring my calls.
NIALL AND RINGO APPROACH THE PAIR.
RINGO (To Byron) Dude.
BYRON Hiya
RINGO This is...
BYRON I know who this is, we had a few jars last night.
ASH I didn't know you went out.
NIALL Have to tell you everything does he?
ASH He does as it happens!
BYRON Get lost!
ASH Excuse me, but...
RINGO Oh leave it will ya...
ASH You an' all?
NIALL Chill your beans!
ASH You can shut it! (To Byron) This one has a habit of shitting in his pants! You wanna pick your friends carefully.
ASH STORMS OFF.
NIALL It's not exactly a habit! It only happens after a night on shooters!
BYRON It happens to the best of us bud.
CUT TO: SCENE 17. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
BYRON So she said the job was mine right there and then.
TOMMY Yeah?
BYRON Just a matter of catchin' a train up here, meetin' Ash.
TOMMY Musta made a good impression.
BYRON Yeah, most people 'ere are really nice
too.
TOMMY Most people?
ASH AND CHLOE SIDLE UP TO THEM.
DEXTER What you doin'?
BYRON Alright mate?
DEXTER You're supposed to be on in twenty minutes!
BYRON No worries, I'll get goin' in a sec.
DEXTER You could say thanks to Chloe!
BYRON Really, what for?
DEXTER She's spent the last hour blowin' up balloons for your costume. She's got lips like a meth addict! (To Chloe) Show him!
CHLOE STEPS INTO VIEW, BYRON IS CLEARLY UNSETTLED.
BYRON (To Chloe) Jeez, sorry babe! You okay?
CHLOE Mmm hmm.
DEXTER She'll be fine, I wanna see you showin' this kind of dedication!
BYRON Whoa, alright.
TOMMY Never forget it's just a job! A steppin' stone!
DEXTER What's it got to do with...?
TOMMY Oh piss off! He heard ya!
DEXTER AND CHLOE SKULK AWAY.
TOMMY Never turn into one of them! Feckin' wannabes!
CUT TO: SCENE 18. INT. FOYER - DAY
ELWOOD AND HEATH RETURN FROM SECURITY PATROL, THEY HAVE BEFRIENDED A NEW MEMBER OF STAFF.
ELWOOD Well, that was worth it.
HEATH Keeps him happy.
KIM And you met me.
ELWOOD I guess we did.
HEATH Bars weren't it?
KIM For now.
ELWOOD Y'mean ya don't wanna be pullin' pints forever?
KIM I'm a swimmer. I'm hoping to make the Olympics!
HEATH Cool, your old' man must be proud.
KIM We don't speak!
EMLYN APPROACHES THE TRIO.
HEATH Sorry. (To Emlyn) Hey boss.
EMLYN Hi. (To Kim) Christ, if I was your dad, I'd still be bathing you!
KIM (Outraged) What?
EMLYN I said if I was...
KIM You won't be getting your hands anywhere near me!
ELWOOD (To Emlyn) You need to learn to button it!
KIM (Visibly upset) I'm goin', see you two later.
HEATH Alright girl.
CUT TO: SCENE 19. INT. FAST FOOD DINING AREA - DAY
TOMMY IS SAT ON HIS OWN EATING A BURGER AND FRIES, WITH A CARTON OF DRINK. ASH CONFRONTS HIM, SHADOWED BY DEXTER AND CHLOE.
ASH Oi you!
TOMMY Me?
ASH Who else?
TOMMY (Resigned to being disturbed) What dya want?
ASH What I want is for you to keep your nose out of Ents. Business. Byron works for me.
TOMMY I think you'll find he works for Jago's.
ASH I'm his boss!
TOMMY You are nobodies' boss. You write time sheets, that's all.
ASH He was due on stage and you were keeping him!
TOMMY Then I suppose I owe the kids an apology, nobody wants to be late burstin' balloons!
ASH You have put us behind, I've had to cancel "What's in Davey Jones' Chest?"
A CROWD OF GUESTS HAS GATHETRED.
ASH You have spoilt some peoples f**king holiday, don't you get it? They only come here to see us!
WENNA WALKS INTO VIEW.
CUT TO: SCENE 20. INT. WENNA'S OFFICE - DAY
WENNA LEADS ASH INTO HER OFFICE.
WENNA (Livid) Sit down!
ASH (Petrified) I'm sorry Miss Wenna.
WENNA Did I say you could speak? I cannot believe that you thought, that what just happened, was for one second, in any way acceptable! If you have a problem you come to me.
ASH Yes Miss Wenna.
WENNA You cannot speak that way in front of our guests! Do you really think that you are the sole reason people holiday here? Because let me tell you Ashley that you are not! You may have been here eighteen years, but you are far from irreplaceable!
CUT TO: SCENE 21. INT. THE BRASS RAT - DAY
LONNIE Kim?
KIM That's my name, don't wear it out.
LONNIE Good day?
KIM Sort of...
EMLYN APPROACHES THE PAIR.
EMLYN Lonnie. (To Kim) Hello again young lady.
KIM Err, hi.
LONNIE You've met?
EMLYN Yeah.
KIM Sort of...
LONNIE (The penny drops) So Em, how's tonight's duty sheet coming along?
EMLYN Is now the time to talk work, in such company? Shouldn't we just be getting to know each other? (Places his hand on Kim's arm)
KIM PULLS AWAY FROM EMLYN.
KIM I've gotta go find Jarvis.
LONNIE Catch you later.
KIM WALKS AWAY.
EMLYN I am so gonna get me a piece of that.
LONNIE Yeah?
EMLYN For sure.
CUT TO: SCENE 22. EXT. FIRE EXIT - DAY
HEATH One of us pissed is a glass and poured it into the iron through a funnel.
ELWOOD You sick f**kers!
HEATH (Laughing) He didn't even notice when he ironed it. Not until later when he'd been dancing and got all hot.
ELWOOD That would've stunk!
HEATH He was pissed with us, he couldn't get near a bird all night.
ELWOOD I'm not surprised.
LONNIE COMES TO CHECK WHY THE DOOR IS OPEN AND FINDS HEATH AND ELWOOD HAVING A SMOKE.
LONNIE Dumb and Dumber.
HEATH Alright Yozza?
ELWOOD Yozza?
LONNIE (To Elwood) Coz me names Hughes.
HEATH What ya gonna do 'bout Emlyn?
ELWOOD Yeah, that was a bit naughty.
LONNIE Eh, don't forget he is your boss now!
ELWOOD Yeah, but that don't mean he can go round tellin' girls he wants to bathe 'em!
LONNIE Who's he said that to?
HEATH New girl on the bar.
ELWOOD Kim, mind she is stunning!
LONNIE I'll deal with it. You two put those ciggies out, I wanna close this door.
HEATH Alright, gonna start callin' you Hodges!
CUT TO: SCENE 23. INT. THE PICKLED PARROT - DAY
ELWOOD AND HEATH ARE STOOD WATCHING BYRON PERFORM FOR A GROUP OF KIDS.
ELWOOD Looks like a natural with those kids don't he?
HEATH Certainly does.
ELWOOD What the f**k are they playing?
HEATH Pop the pirate! They gotta pop the balloons.
ELWOOD Ah right. Eh, look out.
LONNIE APPROACHES THE PAIR
LONNIE Listen you two, I know I've been a bit much, I'm sorry. You should've got that promotion El, not him.
ELWOOD (Taken aback) Cheers.
LONNIE Let's get the twat back.
CUT TO LONNIE DELIVERING AN ENVELOPE TO THE GATE HOUSE.
CUT TO: SCENE 24. INT. ARCADE - DAY
EMLYN IS WATCHING RINGO PLOUGH CASH INTO A FRUIT MACHINE.
EMLYN Whatcha gonna do with your winnings then eh?
RINGO Spent it.
EMLYN Christ, what on?
RINGO Went t' Asda when I finished here at three this mornin'. Bought a new patio set and a chiminea.
EMLYN At three in the morning?
ELWOOD AND HEATH ARE VISIBLE IN THE DISTANCE.
ELWOOD (Shouting) Oi, Em! I'd get over the gate house if I were you.
EMLYN Oh yeah, why's that?
HEATH Coz ya wife's sat there waiting for ya!
EMLYN What? What the bloody hell does she want with me?
ELWOOD She's probably after half ya bingo winnings!
CUT TO: SCENE 25. INT. GATE HOUSE - DAY
EMLYN RUSHES INSIDE
EMLYN (Panting) Jacqui, Jacqui? Where is she?
THE ON DUTY GUARD HANDS EMLYN AN ENVELOPE.
EMLYN What's this? (Opens envelopes) Oh, hilarious. They must be the new Laurel and fecking Hardy!
CUT TO: SCENE 26. INT. ENTS OFFICE - DAY
ASH, CHLOE AND DEXTER RUSH INTO ENTS OFFICE.
ASH Quick, quick. What's that?
CHLOE It's your costume.
ASH That's Nessie!
CHLOE No it's not!
ASH It is, look at the hat.
DEXTER I'm sorry boss, they had double booked the sea serpent at the fancy dress. It's the best I could do.
ASH I'm supposed to be Shyla the Sea Serpent!
CHLOE The kids won't know.
DEXTER She's right guv, they get all caught up in it.
ASH You two best be right. Look at me.
THE THREE RUSH THROUGH INTO THE PICKLED PARROT. CHLOE SIGNALS TO THE DJ TO PLAY SHYLA'S MUSIC "WHAT'S THAT COMING OVER THE HILL?" SHYLA JUMPS ONTO THE STAGE WHERE BYRON WAS PERFORMING WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR. SHYLA MAKES A JUMP FOR BYRON, WHO SIDESTEPS HIM. SHYLA FALLS FROM THE STAGE AND THE CROWD ROARS WITH DELIGHT.
CUT TO: SCENE 27. INT. FOYER - DAY
WENNA It's not been a bad start.
LONNIE Ash was a bit o' a prick!
WENNA Nothing new there then. Your old boys have been behaving
themselves.
LONNIE Err, not so bad.
EMLYN STORMS UP TO THE PAIR.
WENNA (Nods to Lonnie) Oi.
LONNIE (Turns to see Emlyn) F**k sake.
EMLYN Are you gonna sort them two out?
LONNIE Problem?
EMLYN There's a bloody problem alright! Ren and fecking Stimpy!
WENNA Who?
EMLYN Heath and Elwood Miss Wenna, having me traipse over to the gate looking for Jacqui.
WENNA Jacqui?
LONNIE Estranged wife.
WENNA Ah.
EMLYN Ay, and when I get there Lurch hands me this. (Hands not to Lonnie)
WENNA What's that?
LONNIE (Panicky) Nothing Miss Wenna, I'll deal with them.
WENNA Let me see that note.
LONNIE But Miss...
WENNA Now! (Snatches note) This is your handwriting Lonnie!
EMLYN What?
LONNIE Ah well you see, the thing is...
WENNA (Reading from the note) "Like a sucked and spat out smartie, your no use to anyone."
EMLYN It gets worse than that.
WENNA "They can't find a good word for you, but I can, Twat!"
LONNIE It's a poem Miss Wenna, It's supposed to be a joke.
EMLYN I don't believe this!
WENNA You know that I don't appreciate things like this Lonnie, I think you best come with me.
WENNA LEADS LONNIE INTO HER OFFICE AND HANDS HIM A DUNCE HAT.
WENNA Put that on, and get in the corner!
LONNIE What?
WENNA Face the wall and shut up!
END OF EPISODE