You Cannot Be Cereal

Hi, I've written these two versions of the same sketch and wondered if anyone would mind telling me which version they prefer and why? Or any comments at all would be welcome (except really mean ones, which I would appear to accept with good grace at the time but would probably cry about later - don't let that put you off though...)

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR GENERIC KITCHEN

WHITE WORKSURFACE WITH 3 CEREAL BOXES.

OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC V/O

Just for you, new Crunchy-Shit with berries, or why not try new Crunchy-Shit with chocolate chips, or even new Frosted-Crunchy-Shit?!

Three new tastier recipes just for you, because Crunchy-Shit on it's own tastes like shit, only crunchy!

CLOSE UP ON UNAPPETISING BRAN-LIKE HALF-EATEN CEREAL IN BOWL

OR

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR GENERIC KITCHEN

WHITE WORKSURFACE WITH 3 CEREAL BOXES.

OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC V/O

New Minced-Wicker with berries, or Minced-Wicker with chocolate chips, or even new Frosted-Minced-Wicker!

Three new tastier recipes just for you ...because original Minced-Wicker, tastes like wicker, only minced!

CLOSE UP ON UNAPPETISING BRAN-LIKE HALF-EATEN CEREAL IN BOWL

and along similar lines I also have:-

SCENE 1 - INTERIOR GENERIC KITCHEN

WHITE WORKSURFACE WITH A SINGLE CEREAL BOX.

V/O
New even tastier Fluff-Clusters with raisins! ...We've added raisins, so they don't just taste of fluff!

The first one, for me: Crunchy Shit. It's funny. Feels more satirical (maybe because of crunchy nut). Where as Minced Wicker seems too try hard, almost 'whacky'. A lot would rest on the execution and a decent V.O. delivery. Which do you prefer?

The first sort of works, once one excpets the idea of cooling a cereal shit;

the others I didn't really understand.

^^^ What he said...

As it is early, am I being a simpleton in not knowing what 'Wicker' is? I was reading the voice over in the style of Don LaFontaine

I liked the minced wicker one.

Quote: Goose24 @ June 6 2011, 11:06 PM BST

As it is early, am I being a simpleton in not knowing what 'Wicker' is?

View original

Wicker! You know, they make wicker chairs from it. And wicker baskets!
Oh, and the wicker man.
Made of wicker.

Wicker'd

...Ahhhhhh I see Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful help, it was very much appreciated

Now I understand it, the minced wicker one IS funny

It's got the magical funny 'K'.

Quote: Simon B @ June 6 2011, 8:53 PM BST

The first one, for me: Crunchy Shit. It's funny.

View original

I concur.

Quote: zooo @ June 6 2011, 11:35 PM BST

It's got the magical funny 'K'.

View original

Or the "Special K" as it is known in cereal-based sketches.

I was going to say the first one was the best too but that was before the wicker one was explained (I didn't understand it either). I think that could be funnier if you helped us along and we saw a cutaway of some wicker being minced as the voiceover continues.

Quote: Goose24 @ June 6 2011, 11:31 PM BST

...Ahhhhhh I see Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful help, it was very much appreciated

Now I understand it, the minced wicker one IS funny

View original

I don't get the joke?

He just means now he understand what wicker is. (I think.)

Quote: sootyj @ June 6 2011, 11:40 PM BST

I don't get the joke?

View original

Bran cereals taste like minced wicker.

Alan Wicker?

Quote: sootyj @ June 6 2011, 11:44 PM BST

Alan Wicker?

View original

No.