STAGE PLAY. comments please. Page 3

Quote: phreaky @ June 3 2011, 12:22 PM BST

And here we go! It depends on who you agree with when it comes to the basis of laughter. If it's based upon the release of tension than that has to build.

Looking at the revised opening scene having the coffin off stage at the opening doesn't allow tension to build. Far better, in my opinion, is to have the coffin on stage when the curtains go up, or on stage as the audience arrive. Allowing tension to build.

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Tension has built from the start of the journey to the theatre. It's in the expectation. Much like the Best Man getting to his feet. The audience is nervous. They want to be on your side. They want to be given the opportunity to laugh! Help them out at the earliest possible moment and they will reward you throughout the show.

I think I'm responsible for this thread getting off track! This is critique so better get back to it.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 11:45 AM BST

CHIEF PALLBEARER.
Hope we didn't upset you, but just before his death Mr Daily who, as you know had been an illutionist on the stage, arranged all this as his final good-bye. We will now go to your Chapel of Rest to get the real coffin, which we switched early this morning.

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This dialogue seems pretty much redundant. It's akin to someone telling a joke, then explaining it. Stewart Lee does have a fine career in that, but it does look like you don't trust your audience to get the joke.

It also looks like the characters being addressed forgot who Mr Daily was so they have to be told what he did for a living, in that situation would you do the same?

Finally the pallbearer tells people what he's going to do, then goes and does it. Do we really care when the coffin was switched?

As KLRiley put it, "its still too expositional"

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 8:26 AM BST

Intended to be similar to, Last of the Summer Wine. for instance, where large chunks of script are old folks reverie.

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Is it or should I say was it? I've not watched it in years but I always thought it was a group of old fellers *doing* stupid stuff, trying to recapture their lost youth. Not dialogue heavy at all.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 11:45 AM BST

The pallbearer tells the audience(not the characters) who Derek Daily was.

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Ahh, I think I had misunderstood.

So the pallbearer is talking directly to the audience?

Quote: phreaky @ June 3 2011, 12:22 PM BST

Looking at the revised opening scene having the coffin off stage at the opening doesn't allow tension to build. Far better, in my opinion, is to have the coffin on stage when the curtains go up, or on stage as the audience arrive. Allowing tension to build.

View original

Have to disagree with this, Having the coffin brought on mid scene and dropped by the pallbearers as Jerf has wrote works really well. Having the coffin brought in builds up expectation and the sombre air will then give way to a big laugh as the trick is revealed.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ June 3 2011, 2:50 PM BST

Have to disagree with this, Having the coffin brought on mid scene and dropped by the pallbearers as Jerf has wrote works really well. Having the coffin brought in builds up expectation and the sombre air will then give way to a big laugh as the trick is revealed.

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Ultimately the joke is the same, the pallbearers drop the coffin. But personally I think the audience seeing the coffin then have the pallbearers come in and to pick it up only drop it works better.

Also based on funerals I've attended it's not uncommon for the coffin to be laid out for people to pay their respects before being collected by the undertakers for committal.

But the point is a minor one based only on a preference.

why don't you just have the coffin on its stand and one of the cast trips and knocks it off, and the dummy falling out. Or there could be a bit of cloth sticking out of the coffin, and someone pulls it and it's a long line of ribbon etc, with stuff hanging from it....as they do [socks and stuff] then it gets stuck and when pulled hard, it pulls the coffin over.

I much preferred the second version which has action right away. However, can I suggest something? Cut down on the number of people onstage - you don't need pallbearers cluttering up the space (and causing the director worry in trying to find extra cast). Have the coffin onstage with just the Funeral Director in attendance. You have a lot of elderly people- could one of them trip somebody else up with a zimmer and knock over the coffin? Then instead of having the coffin carried off, just 'BLACK-OUT' and move to next scene.

I recently had a one-act performed in a church hall and there were scenes set in 5 different places ... we used lighting for separate areas of the stage, and the minimum of furniture ... NO flats. It can be done.

I agree, you don't need scenery/prop changes. Merrily We Roll Along a great musical/west End hit by Sondheim just has two tables and four chairs and serves as an apartment a college an audition room etc and the story goes over 20 years!

HIPPODROME HEIGHTS.

INT. MAIN HALL. DAY

SCENE ONE.

A COFFIN ON TRESTLES IS CENTRE STAGE. SURROUNDED BY MOURNERS.

VICAR.
We are gathered here to pay our last respects to Derek Daily. For most of his life Derek plyed his trade as an illutionist on the boards of the Music Halls.
So good-bye Derek old boy.

PALLBEARERS ENTER ROOM AND PICK UP COFFIN ONTO THEIR SHOULDERS.
ONE OF THEM STUMBLES, CAUSING OTHERS TO STUMBLE.
THE COFFIN FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
THERE IS A LOUD CRACK OF AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE, WHICH BLOWS THE LID OFF.
COLOURED STREAMERS FLY OUT FOLLOWED BY A CIRCUS CLOWN IN EXTRAVAGENT MAKE-UP
THE CLOWN THREATENS THE MOURNERS.
WHO STEP BACK IN ALARM, FALLING OVER THEMSELVES.
THE CLOWN THEN JUMPS DOWN FROM THE STAGE RUNS UP THE AISLE TO THE EXIT.

VICAR, LAUGHING, BARELY ABLE TO SPEAK.
Derek came to see me just before his demise with his plan for his final good-bye
He didn't want you to forget him, after that I don't think we ever can.

MOURNERS BEGIN TO CHEER, SOME SHOUT BRAVO AND AUTHOR.

BILLY COX. EX MUSIC HALL COMEDIAN SHOUTING OVER THE DIN.
Derek today achieved in death something he never achieved in life
....A Standing ovation.

ALL CAST LEAVE BY MAIN DOOR WITH UPLIFTED SPIRIT.

END OF SCENE ONE

Is this version any better?

no, it's vertically challenged not midget

Some great gags in search of a vehicle.

I particularly like the fly tipping one.

Why the impossible to perform intro coffin gag? You're not perchance taking the micheal from us poor scribbler?

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 4:19 PM BST

Is this version any better?

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It's certainly getting there!

Are you sure you want a midget? By doing that you're making it harder to cast. I like the idea of the puff of smoke followed by an empty coffin, much more of a disappearing trick.

why do you need the coffin to fall, the 'midget' could get injured. just have the midget jump out at one point, it'll cut out the pallbearers too.

Could you not perform on an enormous stage with a huge coffin at the back, thus perspective will make a normal person look like a midget.