STAGE PLAY. comments please.

THE OPENING SCENE OF A STAGE PLAY.

(BILLY COX, COMEDIAN, PEARL WHITE, CONTORSIONIST and GEORGE SIMPSON,

VENTRILOQUIST, are residents at HIPPODROME HEIGHTS, a retirement home for ex

show -biz performers. They are sat by the inglenook fireplace. GEORGE has his

puppet Gaddafi with him, probably the worst puppet ever.)

They all look toward the door as CHARLES JOHNSON enters)
SCENE 1.
CHARLES

Hello, I'm Charles Johnson, I'm moving in today. BILLY

Are you feeling lucky punk?
PEARL

Johnson, not Bronson, you're thinking of Flint somebody or other.
CHARLES

I'm taking Derek Daily's old room.
BILLY

Look under the bed, we're not so sure he's dead, did anyone check that second coffin?

CHARLES

Sorry, I don't understand.
PEARL

Come over and sit down. We've had a recent death here; Derek Daily, nice man, died from cancer.

CHARLES

Illusionist, knew him quite well; we first met years ago in Blackpool

GEORGE

Ah, Blackpool, the Tower, Trams, Golden Mile. I always thought it had a haunting quality. Late evening I'd stand by the railings overlooking the sea and listen to the clacking wheels of the roller coasters, the loud music rising and falling on the Atlantic wind. Blackpool was easy for an entertainer; the holiday-makers were in a good mood anyway, unlike Glasgow Empire and Sheffield Attercliffe, they were always in a bad mood, probably because of their daily grind against poverty, looking to vent their spite on any uni-cyclist that fell off his bike or magician that fumbled a trick.

PEARL

Yes, thank-you George, as I was saying. In his last few days, unknown to us, Derek had arranged a charade with the funeral people. The pall bearers were to accidently on purpose drop the coffin, which they did. We were all aghast, the lid came off. We were expecting poor old Derek to come tumbling out, he didn't of course, but four doves did, we were shocked into silence.

BILLY

Derek's final trick, and probably his best.
PEARL

Then the pallbearers started laughing, they went back in the house and brought out the real coffin, when we realised we'd been tricked, we all began laughing and cheering and shouting bravo and author. It was a wonderful send off. We'd no idea they'd hidden an extra coffin it the little room we use as a chapel of rest, they'd hidden it under an old carpet.

BILLY

Derek achieved in death, something he'd never achieved in life, a standing ovation.
Got our own chapel of rest Charley boy. The grim reaper visits regular.

GEORGE

I'd like to go out with bang.

BILLY

The only way you will go out with a bang, is if somebody sticks a firework up your proverbial.
GEORGE

Like Kirk Douglas in the film The Vikings. They put him in a long boat; push it off down a Norwegian Fjord. Hundreds of archers fire blazing arrows into the sails, the boat burns and sinks under a glorious sun-set.
BILLY

That is a beautiful thought. We'll try to die at the same time and I'll go halves with you. The nearest we'll get to that, is if we pay a couple of local thugs to dump us in the back of a stolen pick-up truck, fly-tip us at a local beauty spot and burn it out.
CHARLES

George, you are very topical with that puppet, It's Gaddafi isn't it?
GEORGE

I was topical the first time he was a nuisance, the real Gaddafi I mean------ TV killed my act you know.

PEARL
Yeh, the camera could see you lips move.

GEORGE

Ah, that's what it was, could get away with it at the back of the stage, and then the wife left me after forty years.

CHARLES

Oh, sorry, didn't know.
GEORGE

Don't be, I was glad to get rid of her. She had a hairy wart you know.

PEARL

It wasn't that bad and I think you'd take her back.

GEORGE

I might think about it-----if she shaved the wart.
On her chin it was, it is. When we were young she clipped it, dab of make-up, couldn't see it. Then she let herself go and the hairs grew longer and bushier.

BILLY

She could creosote a fence with it.

GEORGE

It's not easy loving a woman with a paintbrush for a chin, I'm sure it made me impotent.

BILLY

You'll always be important to me George, especially if we are going to burn down a Norwegian Fjord together.

GEORGE

Impotent, you fool, couldn't rise to the task. I'm alright now though, I've accepted my fate.

PEARL

So, Charley, what do you think to Hippodrome House?

CHARLES

I think I'm going to like it, so I may as well tell you before you find out, I've got a criminal record.

BILLY

Des O Connors tricky dicky dum dum?

TO BE CONTINUED.

I know it's a mess but it won't transfer properly from the edit.
Is it the system or my incompetence?

They never properly introduce themselves to the new guy. We can see from the script who is who, but for an audience watching they'd have no idea.

Perhaps have one of the characters introduce Charles to his new house mates, and therefore the audience?

Also, more a legibility issue, "BILLY COX, COMEDIAN, PEARL WHITE, CONTORSIONIST and GEORGE SIMPSON, VENTRILOQUIST". The use of commas make it look like you have more characters than you actually have, especially as you have capitalised non-character words.

I know these are old bods who probably reminisce all the time, but for the start of a stage play, I'd say there's far too much 'telling'. If any of these stories need to be told (and I'm not sure they all do) then find a way of feeding them in gradually. there needs to be more reaction between all the characters rather than them taking turns to sit and tell stories. So far all we have is that there's a new arrival - what's the plot? You need to get into that pretty quickly or the audience will get bored.

'contorTionist' by the way.

I suppose there's not much point in me telling you to give up writing?

I don't want to hurt your feelings but there's no future for you with this. There's just too much missing.

I'm always angered by people who write plays based on some single-set edwardian model where characters chinwag for ninety two hours and then a skeleton falls out of a cupboard. Although we are going through a modern dark ages in English drama plays don't have to written like this. And shouldn't.

The play is for a local AmDram with little money for scene changes.
Intended to be similar to, Last of the Summer Wine. for instance, where large chunks of script are old folks reverie.
The cast, and myself are absolute amatuers.
For Mr Godo to suggest that we take our service revolvers and do the 'right'
thing is rather unfair, but can find none of his work to learn from.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 8:26 AM BST

but can find none of his work to learn from.

View original

It was in his post. He is a character as well as a person, as are we all. Constructs mean just that.

Marc, It was destruct based on approx three mins reading time.

On a serious note Jerf three minutes reading time is enough to make a judgement. He doesn't like proscenium arch one set style theatre is all. I wouldn't read more into it than his advice really is to look at the physical dynamics and write some business in. This is theatre. Your play is in 'farce' territory and rather than show us you are telling us, why not show us the coffin scene for example rather than have people recount it. The playwright puts the work in to delight and surprise us. This is the 'magic' of theatre - and given your subject matter you should particularly embrace it!

Marc. I do see your point, but economics rule. This will be in a church hall
not the West End.
Having said that, perhaps Mr Godo Taxi is right, a stage play is a tall order
for an amatuer.
Would such a format(rambling reverie) be more suited to Radio.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 9:41 AM BST

Marc. I do see your point, but economics rule. This will be in a church hall
not the West End.
Having said that, perhaps Mr Godo Taxi is right, a stage play is a tall order
for an amatuer.
Would such a format(rambling reverie) be more suited to Radio.

View original

No, do what you are doing Jerf. A stage play is ninety percent dialogue to ten percent action in the main. But it is your job to write the business in. Have people doing stuff, just standing there talking is no good. No good in radio either. Take what you have and dramatise it. Have the coffin have the doves, do what you like, the audience will go with you especially in a church hall! Go and speak to a local amateur magician, do some research, get some advice. Research is almost always the key!

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ June 3 2011, 9:41 AM BST

Marc. I do see your point, but economics rule. This will be in a church hall
not the West End.
Having said that, perhaps Mr Godo Taxi is right, a stage play is a tall order
for an amatuer.
Would such a format(rambling reverie) be more suited to Radio.

View original

It's a first draft of your first stage play (as I understand it), it's bound to have errors and unless you want to be a modern day Sisyphus if you keep editing while you write you'll never complete it.

I'd say carry on with what you were planning to do and learn from your mistakes, one of which I'd agree with others is the habit of having characters explain what's happening instead of showing what's happening.

Quote: phreaky @ June 3 2011, 10:22 AM BST

It's a first draft of your first stage play (as I understand it), it's bound to have errors and unless you want to be a modern day Sisyphus if you keep editing while you write you'll never complete it.

I'd say carry on with what you were planning to do and learn from your mistakes, one of which I'd agree with others is the habit of having characters explain what's happening instead of showing what's happening.

View original

FYI pheaky. Its not a first draft. Hipperdrome Heights has been here longer than many members. All power to Jerf in finding someone to stage it but its still too expositional.

Quote: KLRiley @ June 3 2011, 10:26 AM BST

FYI pheaky. Its not a first draft. Hipperdrome Heights has been here longer than many members. All power to Jerf in finding someone to stage it but its still too expositional.

View original

I did see that it's had a sitcom incarnation, but from what I've read this is the first attempt to translate that into a stage play. For what it's worth I think it's always going to be lacking in something as long as it's not completed. The first full draft is where the polish should begin, not 3 minutes in.

Again it's only my understanding from a cursory look through other threads, so I could be wrong, but the sitcom version was not completed either.

Quote: Marc P @ June 3 2011, 9:13 AM BST

On a serious note Jerf three minutes reading time is enough to make a judgement. He doesn't like proscenium arch one set style theatre is all. I wouldn't read more into it than his advice really is to look at the physical dynamics and write some business in. This is theatre. Your play is in 'farce' territory and rather than show us you are telling us, why not show us the coffin scene for example rather than have people recount it. The playwright puts the work in to delight and surprise us. This is the 'magic' of theatre - and given your subject matter you should particularly embrace it!

View original

I'd go with Marc on this Jerf. I've always liked your Hippodrome Heights and this has a lot going for it, it's all there in the characters already, just a matter of bringing it to life a bit more. It could be very funny given the right adaptation. Well done for getting as far as you have and don't give up on it.