Help me clean up 'The Cav'.

Hi everyone. Any critique on this would be much appreciated. I've not been writing for long at all but am enjoying having a crack at coming up with some bits and bobs. honest feedback is highly appreciated.

The Cav.

EXT - PUB - MIDDAY

VO: Tom Broadby has once again been sent to report on a story that doesn't matter. You'd think that working at a TV station for the last 4 years and making your way up from the guy who serves the tea would count for something. It doesn't. And you'd be silly for assuming it. So don't.

Tom: We're here in the heart of Leicestershire to visit the 'The cav' pub. But we're not just here to admire the scenery. There's a rather special local that I've been told I HAVE to meet.

A man, falls through the front door of the pub and out onto the pavement. He's motionless.

(Pause)

Tom: It's not him.

INT - PUB - MIDDAY

We're sitting by a window with the 'special customer' and outside we can see an ambulance. The customer looks to be in his mid 70's and one of those old men who's become a 'fixture' in the pub. Part of the furniture.

Tom: So, we'll just wait for the ambulance to go and we'll start the interview.

Griff: What actually happened?

Tom: Errr, he was just really pissed.

The ambulance turns it's siren on and pulls off

Griff: disgusting, innit? Some of 'em are only in their 20's. Drinking their lives away.

Tom: Well, yeh... definitely. How many have you had today then?

Griff:... bout 15.

Tom: What!? Surely, that's not right? 15 Pints of beer?

(Griffin raises his eyebrows and nods.) Griff: Very possible. Alcohol doesn't effect me anymore.

Tom: (Almost silently) Oh...

Griffin raises his index finger and runs it down Tom's face, from his forehead to the tip of his nose.
Tom's reaction is blank and he stares just above the camera at the producer.

Producer: Ok, Tom, we're clear to go now, when you're ready.

Tom: (Fresh) So! Hello, griffin.

Griff: 'lo... Pint!

A barmaid with a pint already waiting, shuffles over and replaces griff's
empty pint glass.

The interviewer is slightly taken aback by the set-up. In the background we see the barmaid filling another pint and waiting where she was previously
standing.

Tom: Now, Griff-

(Griff looks taken aback)

Tom: can I call you Griff?

Griff: My friends call me Griff.

Tom: Can I call you Griff?

Griff: No.

Tom: Okay.

Griff: Not yet.

Tom: Now, griffin -

Griff: Meh, call me Griff.

Tom: Now, Griff, You've been drinking in the Cav pub here in Narbsley for 62 years, is that right?

Griff: Indeed, I started drinking ale when I was 12. 74 now, so that's-

Tom: (cutting in) Well...(looking at camera) can we say that? This is for the 12pm news.

Griff: What are they gonna do, lock me up for underage drinking?

Tom: Yeh... good point.

Tom mimes the words 'cut it' and turns his hands into scissors, looking at the producer.

Griff: I'd work from 6 in the morning right the way through till 8 at night, knocking out hand built steam engine parts, come straight in 'ere. Knock off a couple of the local tarts and then knock back a few pints. And if I still had fire in me belly, I'd knock on at me birds' on the way home.

Tom: (lost ) So, A lot of 'knocking' back in those days.

Griff: Is that cheek? Things have changed now, ya know?

Tom: What a great story teller... how many pints would you say you've knocked back in the 62 years you've been a patron here?

Griff: I'd have a punt at a round... 500,000?

Tom: That's about 25 pints a day isn't it? You'd think there'd be serious health implications but just 10 minutes ago you told me you'd never felt fitter...

griff closes his eyes and nods slowly. After a long pause griff has stopped moving altogether. His eyes slowly open and he's staring into space.

Tom: Errr, Griff?

Silence

Tom: Griffin?

More silence

Tom: (to Barmaid) I think he might be dead.

Barmaid: Nah, he usually naps in the afternoon.

Tom: With his eyes open?

Barmaid: (Taking a closer look at griff) eyes open? ... Oh.... Yeh, he DOES
look dead.

Barmaid: (speaking to a woman who looks like the manageress) Tanya, come look at Griffin... I think he's dead.

Tanya slowly walks towards griffin, and begins to cry.

Tanya: No. I don't... I wont. (sobbing) I can't believe it.

Barmaid: Shh, shh, shh. Come on, it'll be alright.

Tanya: You don't understand...

Barmaid: I do! We all had a soft spot for Gri-

Tanya: He owed me nearly £1200. He always said he was good for the tab, and I just let it get out of hand.

She begins to weep.

Barmaid: Errr, Tanya, he payed that tab last night.

Tanya's tears turn to ones of Joy

Tanya: What? Really?

Barmaid: (nodding)It's in the safe.

Tanya: YES YES YES! Oh, this is MARVELLOUS! I feel like I've won the lottery!

The interviewer looks totally shocked by the events that have just unfolded.

Tom: We're off.

EXT - PUB - DAY

Tom: Yeh, Just wait for the ambulance to go, and we'll wrap it up.

The ambulance sirens go on and it roars off.

Tom: So a quaint town in Leicestershire, has, today, tragically lost a drunken hero. We say good bye to 'the half million pint man' forever. The next one... is surely on us. Tom Broadby, ITV News.

Producer: Yeh, that'll do.

Tom: (Mocking) yeh, That'll do.

Producer: Um-

Tom: This is the last time they send me to a f**king pub, Chris...

Tom drops his microphone, get's into his Nissan Micra and powers out of the car park as fast as possible.

End.

A few general points not really specific to this particular script.

1. In Stages Directions (aka Visual Exposition) you describe ONLY what an audience can see. So "has once again been sent to report on a story that doesn't matter." Needs to be written as " TOM BRADLEY, a young news reporter arrives looking disgruntled."
If you really want to emphasise that he has once again been sent to report on a story that doesn't matter, you have to write that into the dialogue somehow.

2. Don't include camera directions "Camera pans to the door of the pub"; that is the Directors job and Directors know how to do it themselves. Writers job is to tell the story not drive the camera.

3. I don't understand your title "The Cav."

4. "Outside a pub" is the header for a scene. It's called a SLUG LINE & should look something like this:
EXT -- A Pub -- EVENING

Hey Scartledge,

I take it this is the first draft is it? This is an interesting one, not really sure where to start on this to be honest. I'd start by cutting out all unecassary dialogue. So, for example, I'd cut the lines

'Said it was loose change compared to what he'd just made on the horses' and 'We've been so busy with the TV people, I forgot to mention it... it's in the safe'

And just anything else that isn't really required or could be told through visuals/facial expressions. I'd also cut the last line with the anchor in the studio, just leave it as: 'This is the last time they send me to a f**king pub...' or try and work on a better solid ending.

I agree with billwill as well regarding the title. Not sure how you pronounce it, is it the name of the pub?

Thanks a lot for the advice guys.

yeh, this is just the first draft and other than the short skit I entered into the skit comp the other day, this is pretty much the first thing I've written with the sole purpose of showing others and letting other people help me along a little.

'The Cav'is just supposed to be the name of the pub, didn't make it clear at all... it would have been simple for the reporter to say the pub name.

But I've taken what you've said onboard no doubt. thanks a lot for reading it through and taking the time to give me some sound advice.

Redraft soon, later today in fact.

I enjoyed it, made me laugh at several points - and just from reading it too. Visually I could imagine this working a treat, esp if you could get it across how much Tom absolutely hates his job. Almost, the less time he's on screen the funnier it is. Like where everyone seems to get involved where the guy has died, then when it pans back to him he could honestly look like he couldn't really give a toss what's going on. Giving you the impression that every job he gets sent on is never straightforward. Look forward to another edit

Thanks for the reply Renny, really appreciate you taking the time to read through and comment!

I've just edited this a little with the advice given so far and tried to clean it up a little in places. it reads slightly better (to me).

Any opinions or advice would be fantastic though.

Cheers!

The camera pans to the interviewer who looks totally shocked by the events.

good spot...

Hey Scartledge, that's much better, really enjoyed reading that With the right actor playing Tom (thinking maybe a Martin Freeman/Tim from The Office style, with his 'looks' to the camera), would work a treat.