AN UNRULY GAGGLE OF KIDS IN SPORTS KIT ON A SPORTS FIELD WAITING TO BE CHOSEN TO PLAY RUGBY
2 KIDS ARE AT THE FRONT WAITING TO CHOOSE
VO
In this ordinary school is a most remarkable boy, some might say tragic a tragic boy. Martin Niggerbater is the biggest dick in the UK.
KID1
Martin Niggerbater.
VO
Have we got the right kid?
MARTIN EXITEDLY RUNS TO KID1
KID2
Brian Lobster.
KID1
Pass
KID2
Franky Noonian Singh.
KID1
Pass
THIS CARRYS ON UNTIL ALL THE KIDS ARE WITH KID2, EXCEPT FOR KID1 AND MARTIN
RUGBY TEACHER WALKS ONTO THE PITCH
RUGBY TEACHER
Play the game!
KID1 WALKS OVER TO THE GOAL POSTS, TAKES HIS SCARF OFF TURNS IT INTO A NOOSE AND HANGS HIMSELF
RUGBY TEACHER THROWS THE BALL AT MARTIN KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND, THE OTHER KIDS DESCEND ON HIM AND BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM
RUGBY TEACHER TURNS AND LOOKS STRAIGHT INTO CAMERA AT AUDIENCE
RUGBY TEACHER
Damn shame about Fortescue Lemon-drop hanging himself, but would you want to be on the same team as the UK's biggest dick?
VO
Is Martin going to be alright?
RUGBY TEACHER
Of course here comes matron!
MICHEAL IS BEING CARRIED OFF THE PITCH BY 2 STRETCHER BEARERS, AN ENORMOUS HATTIE JAQUES STYLE MATRON RUNS ON
THE STRETCHER BEARERS TURN THE STRETCHER OVER DUMPING MICHEAL ON THE FIELD.
MATRON STARTS STAMPING ON HIM
A VAN PULLS UP THE SIGN ON IT'S SIDE READ
"Used syringes from the UK hospital for painful foreign diseases."
MATRON, THE STRETCHER BEARERS, THE KIDS AND THE RUGBY TEACHER PELT MICHEAL WITH SYRINGES.
SCENE2
HEAD MASTER IS WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
TALKING TO OOV CAMERA CREW
HEAD MASTER
Problems with teaching Martin|? I'll say! I got given 23 wedgies and 15 dead arms at thelast Head Master's conference. All because I have the biggest dick in the UK in my school, the Queen tore up my OBE and stabbed me with a pen knife.
VO
But how do you teach such a child? How do you insure his safety?
HEAD MASTER
He's one to one for all his lessons, £100,000 a year. We had to get a special teacher from the US to teach him.
VO
The Juliard? The New York academy of learning?
HEAD MASTER
Texas Deathrow,
WE ARE NOW AT THE CLASS ROOM IT IS A HI SECURITY PRISON CELL ALA SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
MARTIN SITS AT AN OLD FASHIONED DESK IN FRONT OF A CONCRETE BOX WITH A STEEL LOCKED DOOR BEHIND 2 FEET OF SAFETY GLASS
MARTIN
Hello Louis, I'm looking forward to my lesson. I think it's Latin today.
HEAD MASTER I
I'd run if I was you.
FX A LOUD SIREN SOUNDS RED LIGHTS FLASH
HEADMASTER AND POINT OF VIEW RUN
THE STEEL DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN
A MODESTY CURTAIN DESCNEDS INFRONT OF THE GLASS
MARTIN(OOV)
Good morning Mr Paedo-bum!
SCENE 3
MARTIN IS RUBBING HIS BOTTOM AND TALKING TO THE CAMERA POINT OF VIEW
MARTIN
Ouch! I wonder if I should call the NSPCC about Mr Paedo-bum? But he's such a good teacher.
VO
Martin you seem nice enough, why do people hate you so much? How are you the UK's biggest dick.
MARTIN
No idea, but what you going to do about it?
VO
Do you think you're too tolerant?
MARTIN (SOUNDING A LITTLE LIKE JUSTIN BEIBER)
Maybe? Maybe, maybe oh maybe
VO
Kill the c**t bucket!
THE CAMERA IS PUT DOWN WE SEE FROM FLOOR LEVEL AS THE CAMERA CREW DESCEND UPON MARTIN
MARTIN
Not again!