British Comedy Guide

Things that piss you off Page 690

People who stand in door ways, listen to music on buses

actually I can't bear that one at all and it's always the shittiest, shittiest music ever.

people who eat foul smelling fried chicken on buses, or talk loudly on their mobis, or shout at their friends, crying babies, gregarious drunks, people who try to dodge paying their bus fare, or who get on the tube before anyone got a chance to get off, people who stand in the narrow front bit of the bus, or on the stairs and lie, lie!! about there are no seats upstairs because I saw from outside there were, you lying f**k bastards, parents who let their kids run around, shops and restaurants, people who lurk near doors smoking,the mad woman in Waitrose who smells so strongly of piss she can stink out the whole store, women who get a statement and check it and don't take any money out at cashpoints, people who push in it at bars, people who tut at you when they're using the wrong stairs at the tube, people who talk in films, dog walkers who don't collect dog mess, dog wardens who don't challenge them

more to be added.

People on gap years with ENORMOUS back packs, leaving them in front of the train doors (if you're extra lucky, next to a bicycle or two) so you can't get off the f**king train at all.

Riley's law of second hand music. This applies no matter whether its being played in a car, through a phone or any type of music player. The volume of the music will be in direct inverse proportion to its crappiness. ie the louder it is, the worse it is. the tinniness of the headphones to distort the music will operate the same way.

Quote: zooo @ May 28 2011, 2:09 PM BST

People on gap years with ENORMOUS back packs, leaving them in front of the train doors (if you're extra lucky, next to a bicycle or two) so you can't get off the f**king train at all.

I got knocked over on the tube once by a woman wearing a backpack which extended three feet beyond her. She didn't even realise that she was the cause of my sitting on the floor until other passengers started haranguing her to damn thing off before she hit someone else.

Quote: KLRiley @ May 28 2011, 2:13 PM BST

other passengers started haranguing her to damn thing off

I like that, it sounds like an expletive.
"Damn thing off!"

Quote: Nogget @ May 28 2011, 2:21 PM BST

I like that, it sounds like an expletive.
"Damn thing off!"

I'll leave it then rather than edit it.

Check out attendants who comment on the contents of your basket.

"Oooh, you must be having a party"

No, you interfering old hag, all that vodka is for me and me only!

In dozens of trips to European supermarkets I don't think I've ever had a cashier look me in the eye, much less initiate a conversation. They always seem surly and resentful. Here they usually seem cheerful and friendly and, in the case of one woman, wish me a "blessed day."

Did you shoot her?

That wouldn't wash here.

Quote: DaButt @ May 28 2011, 3:43 PM BST

In dozens of trips to European supermarkets I don't think I've ever had a cashier look me in the eye, much less initiate a conversation. They always seem surly and resentful. Here they usually seem cheerful and friendly and, in the case of one woman, wish me a "blessed day."

Did you have that experience in The UK?

Germans don't have a word for small talk, I admire that in a way. When someone says "have a nice day" you know too well they don't give two shits how your day goes, it's all very disingenuous.

Quote: zooo @ May 28 2011, 3:52 PM BST

That wouldn't wash here.

A glare and a hearty "f**k off" then?

A waitress at a restaurant (in Cheltenham?) asked if she could tell me something in confidence and for a minute I was worried that I'd forgotten to zip up after a trip to the toilet.

"People say that Americans are rude and obnoxious but the ones I've met are overly friendly and gracious, always saying 'please' and 'thank you.' I wish Europeans were as pleasant. Germans are the worst of all."

Quote: Dr Sanchez @ May 28 2011, 3:55 PM BST

When someone says "have a nice day" you know too well they don't give two shits how your day goes, it's all very disingenuous.

These are usually matronly southern women who you just know would invite you over for homemade pie and iced tea at the drop of a hat.

I like friendly people.

Quote: DaButt @ May 28 2011, 3:43 PM BST

In dozens of trips to European supermarkets I don't think I've ever had a cashier look me in the eye, much less initiate a conversation.

It's because they have a shitty, miserable, unstimulating job.

Quote: DaButt @ May 28 2011, 3:43 PM BST

Here they usually seem cheerful and friendly and, in the case of one woman, wish me a "blessed day."

They are probably mental. Especially that one woman.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ May 28 2011, 4:05 PM BST

It's because they have a shitty, miserable, unstimulating job.

I choose to believe that they're simply shitty, miserable people.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ May 28 2011, 4:05 PM BST

They are probably mental. Especially that one woman.

Perhaps. She's an older African-American woman and sometimes she spends an hour in the bakery section loudly and literally singing the praises of the fresh baked goods in a soulful gospel style. She's developing quite a following.

Quote: DaButt @ May 28 2011, 4:06 PM BST

I choose to believe that they're simply shitty, miserable people.

You've got to be suspicious about anyone who's too cheery in that sort of a job; unless they own the place. Or know they're doing it for a very short term before moving on.

Quote: DaButt @ May 28 2011, 4:08 PM BST

Perhaps. She's an older African-American woman and sometimes she spends an hour in the bakery section loudly and literally singing the praises of the fresh baked goods in a soulful gospel style. She's developing quite a following.

Mental. But in quite a fun way.

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