Random stuff I havent finished writing yet ..

I would like your opinions on some of these 'jokes' I write for stand up ... Im not really a fan of one liners ill have you know, though I do have one, one liner and am hoping I can integrate it into a bigger joke ... And I understand my jokes may be crap because I havent really developed them yet,that's why I need your help to clean 'em up!

1.(crap) I went to London recently and Im surprised at how different the culture is to here (Birmingham) ... I mean, here if people want money theyd stab you ... But you go there and people ask you for money .... Then stab you ... Here its like:

"oh crap, I need 10p for bus fair, that guy looks like hes got money *stab* .... ... Crap, hes only got a fiver"

2. (my dreadful one liner) My mum said to me " Sharon, theres no pain worse than childbirth" ... Well then, thank goodness I can't remember ..

3. ( I don't really like this one very much, but ill see what you think)
I know many dog owners and one thing ive realised is that the owners like to treat their pets like children, which I personally believe is wrong, because children shouldn't be allowed to drink out of the toilet to be honest with you... But I first realised this with my aunt and her dog, she addresses him as "baby" and refers to herself as "mummy" when talking to the dog ... And Im thinking if that things your baby, id like to see who the father is because theres no way you gave birth to that dog yourself surely, its not biologically possible I don't think, if it were youd be on channel 4 by now!!

Quote: Sharon Whats her name @ May 26 2011, 5:27 AM BST

I would like your opinions on some of these 'jokes' I write for stand up ... Im not really a fan of one liners ill have you know, though I do have one, one liner and am hoping I can integrate it into a bigger joke ... And I understand my jokes may be crap because I havent really developed them yet,that's why I need your help to clean 'em up!

3. ( I don't really like this one very much, but ill see what you think)
I know many dog owners and one thing ive realised is that the owners like to treat their pets like children, which I personally believe is wrong, because children shouldn't be allowed to drink out of the toilet to be honest with you... But I first realised this with my aunt and her dog, she addresses him as "baby" and refers to herself as "mummy" when talking to the dog ... And Im thinking if that things your baby, id like to see who the father is because theres no way you gave birth to that dog yourself surely, its not biologically possible I don't think, if it were youd be on channel 4 by now!!

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ever notice how dog owners treat the little mogrels like actual children? personally, I think this is wrong... kids should be DISCOURAGED from drinking out of the toilet.
my aunt LOVES her dog, to the point where she's now become "Mummy" and she calls her little pooch, "Baby" (raise eye brows)... I'd like to meet the father. pretty sure THAT'S not possible... hmmm, did snoopy ever get with charlie browns sister?

basically I had a go at making the 3rd one a little more 'to the point'. to be honest I'm new to this aswell so im sure others on the board could give you some great advice.

keep on with the writing!

Quote: Sharon Whats her name @ May 26 2011, 5:27 AM BST

2. (my dreadful one liner) My mum said to me " Sharon, theres no pain worse than childbirth" ... Well then, that goodness I can't remember ..

View original

That's excelent

Thanks, I really need to work on that ... I was going to introduce Scooby Doo somwhere, but didnt know where to put it. XD ... Well thanks anyway, how about the other jokes? .... I have done stand up once before by the way, I just need new material ..

Quote: Scartledge @ May 26 2011, 6:01 AM BST

ever notice how dog owners treat the little mogrels like actual children? personally, I think this is wrong... kids should be DISCOURAGED from drinking out of the toilet.
my aunt LOVES her dog, to the point where she's now become "Mummy" and she calls her little pooch, "Baby" (raise eye brows)... I'd like to meet the father. pretty sure THAT'S not possible... hmmm, did snoopy ever get with charlie browns sister?

View original

My aunt treats her dog likes children.

She's not a dog lover just a lousy mum.

Her kids shit in the park, drink out of the toilet and she had them castrated when they tried to leave home.

She'd have been arrested but the NSPCSS and the RSPCA are having a turf war over her.

But women who call their dogs "baby" don't their husbands ever get suspicious?

Then go forth and write it.

And don't write in the pauses and filler they'll come to you naturally on the night.

Quote: sootyj @ May 26 2011, 6:12 AM BST

My aunt treats her dog likes children.

She's not a dog lover just a lousy mum.

Her kids shit in the park, drink out of the toilet and she had them castrated when they tried to leave home.

She'd have been arrested but the NSPCSS and the RSPCA are having a turf war over her.

But women who call their dogs "baby" don't their husbands ever get suspicious?

Then go forth and write it.

And don't write in the pauses and filler they'll come to you naturally on the night.

View original

Well, thank you very much ... Was my first 'joke' okay ... I really need to build on that one as well ...

That one I have to be honest I didn't get.

What were you tryin to say?

Quote: sootyj @ May 26 2011, 6:20 AM BST

That one I have to be honest I didn't get.

What were you tryin to say?

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Nevermind ... Thanks again by the way ...

Some good jokes there, with regard to the first joke though I'd say it needs a bit more work being a Londoner myself I can't say I've ever been stabbed for money! Lol but you could write on the cultural differences like the pace of life or, the amount of tramps down here maybe even how rude people are? For instance

I went to London recently and you wouldn't believe how rude the people are compared to here, I mean at least we have the decency to ask whether someones got cash before we stab them.

I'm not sure that works either but, I'm new to this so am just experimenting. Keep up the good work loved the one liner and there's definitely room for expansion there!!!

Quote: Jason Simmons @ May 26 2011, 11:40 AM BST

Some good jokes there, with regard to the first joke though I'd say it needs a bit more work being a Londoner myself I can't say I've ever been stabbed for money! Lol but you could write on the cultural differences like the pace of life or, the amount of tramps down here maybe even how rude people are? For instance

I went to London recently and you wouldn't believe how rude the people are compared to here, I mean at least we have the decency to ask whether someones got cash before we stab them.

I'm not sure that works either but, I'm new to this so am just experimenting. Keep up the good work loved the one liner and there's definitely room for expansion there!!!

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Yeah, that actually sounds alot better ... Ta for the advice ...

Quote: Jason Simmons @ May 26 2011, 11:40 AM BST

I went to London recently and you wouldn't believe how rude the people are compared to here, I mean at least we have the decency to ask whether someones got cash before we stab them.

View original

That is much better than Sharon's one.

People babying their pets is a very old routine. I am not saying you have nicked anything, but you may be hard pushed to come up with anything original to say.