Hi,
This is based on characters my comedy partner and I do on stage. I entered a fifteen minute one act play of this into the Sitcommission - but am now developing a half hour pilot with a bit more motion to it...
Please read and critique - it would be greatly appreciated! 
Suburban Bohemia
by Todd Barty
Scene 1
(A large, elegantly furnished bedroom in a suburban house. It is messy, with books falling off the shelves and piles of paperwork on a desk with a computer in one corner. There are ethnic looking cushions and throw rugs and a wardrobe with large mirrors on the front. Lying on the bed is Xander Zanii - a pale, slightly plump man in his late thirties. His hair is spiked and unkempt, he has smudged eye-liner and wears silk pyjamas with a red kimon over them - hanging open. There is a lump in bed next to him. )
Xander: (Looking at audience) Morning chaps, we're not ready yet, hold on.
(He shakes a lump that is on the bed next to him.)
Xander: Darling, the camera men are here, darling...
( He pulls the bedding aside to reveal a cushion and a pillow. He is crestfallen.)
Xander: (To audience). Must've had an early start.
(Standing and straightening up.)
Xander: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I, for those of you so sheltered that you don't know me, am Xander Zanii, Artistic Director of Group Z productions in Sydney (or London). I'm a contemporary performance maker, and this is the first day of my arts research and development mission in the regional city of Townsville (or insert regional city name). Just bear with me... you can edit this later...
Scene Two
(Xander is now in the bathroom. He reaches fora tooth brush and toothpaste. He puts the paste on his brush and throws the tube off again.)
Xander: I'm quite well known for my contributions to the avant-garde over the years. Excuse me...
(Xander brushes and spits off stage. He sticks out his tongue and scrapes it with the brush, then spitsoff stage distastefully.)
Xander: You might have heard of my German Expressionist inspired multi-media rave installations... (Rinses mouth)... or my dance/theatre piece - The Thousand Eyes of Caligari.
But we're here because we .. Are you taping?... Because this would be good for publicity... Were interested in engaging with... diverse communities... by reflecting the present and the prescient past in... accessible hybrid works... with the participation of a broad demographic... how's that?!
Now...
(Xander walks out with the camera following him)
Scene Three
(Xander is in the kitchen/ sitting room at the kitchen bench, which is a mess of alcohol bottles in varying stages of emptiness and paperwork. He t akes some tablets for the bench and puts them in in his mouth.)
Xander: Today...
(Picks up a bottle and takes a swig. Squints and looks at the bottle - it is 'Cinzano'. He puts it down and picks up a bottle of water and guzzles.)
Xander: Today my associate director Lily Von Lieberslieder - is coming to join us - you'll recognise Lily from her cabaret work.
(Xander takes another swig of Cinzano)
Xander: Oh... And I have to find a Project administrator - that's important.
(He walks off down the hall)
Scene Four
(The bedroom. Xander sits down at the computer.)
Xander: Let's see... I get piles of emails, you have no idea... let's see, when are you coming, Lily...
(Xander squints to read. He looks around and picks up a magnifying glass and reads the screen through it.)
Xander: Shit... what time is it...
(Xander checks his watch and there is a buzz.)
Xander: Lily1
(He exits)
Scene Five
(The entrance hall. Xander opens the door to let Lily in. She is pale, slightly gothic looking woman dressed in a hip, retro looking red, white and black outfit.)
Lily: What a dump.
Xander: Hello Lily.
Lily: What are they doing here?
Xander: The documentary.
(Lily peers into a nearby room - the drawing/dining room.)
Lily: For goodness sake, Xander. Early nineties, pastels, bourgeois kitsch.
Xander: Its free. It's my sister's.
(The camera follows Lily and Xander down the hall into the kitchen/sitting room.)
Lily: Why did she buy it.
Xander: My niece studied here. Anyway, I've brought a few things.
Lily: Get rid of this would you.
(Hands him an empty Vodka bottle.)
Xander: Did you just have this in the car then?
(Xander tips it up to get the last drop.)
Lily: You bring me to this horrible place...
(Lily gets comfortable on a sofa)
Xander: (To camera.) Lily has a problem with alcohol...
Lily: No I don't, I drink it, I enjoy it, no problem!
(They laugh)
Xander: (To camera.) We were married... very briefly.
Lily: Then we woke up and got it annulled.
Xander: Still good friends, though.
Lily: You'd make a friend stay here?
Xander: We can put it as in kind contribution...
Lily: Don't talk about arts grants to me, I don't want to be here.
Xander: Lily, we went over this in Sydney - Its a regional conversation.
Lily: I don't like regional work.
Xander: There's money in it, Lily - we've got regional and remote money , at risk youth money , ethnic,
Non-English Speaking, elderly money - we have it all covered in this one...
Lily: Get me a drink.
Xander: You're doing the women's stuff.
(Xander starts making drinks.)
Lily: Does this niece of yours still live here?
Xander: Lucy lives with her fiancee- she's a project administrator for his marketing firm.
Lily: Is this the one I've met?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: Oh, that boring little bitch...
Xander: We need her, Lily... we need a project administrator!
Lily: Not Her!
Xander: She's qualified.
Lily: She has a fiancee?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: I can't believe someone actually wants to marry her.
Xander: I've made my new invention, the Champagne Vodkatini!
Lily: He's probably got someone else giving him what he really needs...
Xander: Some people are trustworthy, Lily!
Lily: Some nubile little office assistant like your Melanie...
Xander: Shut up and have your drink... (Hands it to her.)
Lily: Lovely.
Xander: Anyway, Lily, you would know about this regional stuff if you'd stay awake for long
enough at an arts conference.
Lily: I do!
Xander: I had to put your sunglasses on you so that no one would notice. I convinced the people next to us that you were a blind mute from the Arts Inclusion. Network.
Lily: I just keep them on now.
Xander: Probably a good thing.
Lily: I'm not the one who looks like a fat raccoon.
Xander: Really? Lose the sunglasses.
Lily: Piss off.
Xander: Some of the people we're working with have rarely ever been to a theatre or an art gallery,
Lily. They get food from those multinationals our parents have shares in - sometimes they
eat it out of plastic. Their clothes are brightly coloured and shapeless. The live in houses
with low ceilings, in suburbs, rather than lofts and refurbished factories in the city and
they shop at those sprawling, neon-lit emporia... Shopping centres...
Lily: The ones with all the concrete around?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: And the words... 'Enter', 'Exit'...
Xander: Yes those...
Lily: And the painted lines...
Xander: Yes, Lily.
Lily: Ghastly.
Xander: I know, Lily... but its their culture. We have to be sensitive.
Lily: What's this Women's thing?
Xander: International Women's Day. They want successful women in the creative industries...
Lily: Fantastic.
Xander: I've told them you'll do your 'Burlesque-ercises'.
Lily: 'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you.'
Xander: Yes, 'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you' - but don't get them to take any clothes off.
Lily: Fat?
Xander: Some of them.
Lily: No one wants to see fat people undressing. Too much like our wedding night.
Xander: Before you passed out.
Lily: Any food?
Xander: Jac went off to get something... I've got some olives.
Lily: Give me those.
Xander: No, Lily, we can't just sit down, we've got to get organised.
Lily: What are you talking about?
Xander: Lucy's coming over later.
Lily: To find every last bit of joy and kill until its dead, I suppose.
Xander: She's not going to agree to be our new project administrator if we can't present an
organised front.
Lily: Make me another. (Hands him her glass.)
Xander: (While making more drinks.) Lucy's been brought up in a creative family, creativity is in our
genes... just make an effort, Lily!
(Lily lies down on the across the chairs. Xander picks a throw rug up and shakes it as, the door bell sounds).
Xander: Who's that? (He throws the rug back over the chairs, covering Lily - but he does not see this as his attention has turned to the door.) You'll see Lily, Lucy always liked me!
(He goes to answer the door. Lily is motionless. Xander runs back in.)
Xander: Shit, Lily, its her. Lily?
Lucy: (off) Xander!
Xander: Shit! (He runs off.)
Scene Six
(The entrance hall. Xander lets Lucy in.)
Xander: Darling girl, how are you?
Lucy: I've been better, Xander.
(She walks past him.)
Xander: Oh?
(He follows.)
Scene Seven
(The kitchen/sittin room. Lucy enter followed by Xander.)
Lucy: The bins are overflowing, Xander.
Xander: Yes, I'll be taking them out tonight.
Lucy: Rubbish was this morning, Xander.
Xander: Really?
Lucy: Yes...
Xander: That's odd, I didn't hear a thing. Why didn't you call... I thought you were coming later.
Lucy: I called several times this morning.
Xander: Must've been in the shower.
Lucy: You've just got up.
Xander: Have not!
Lucy: (Indicating audience.) Why are all of these people here.
Xander: They're doing a documentary about me.
Lucy: Turn off those cameras. Look at this place.
Xander: (Whispering to audience). Keep filming.
Lucy: You're not even dressed.
Xander: I'm not going anywhere - Why waste clothing when I'm not going out - I'm trying to save
on washing.
Lucy: You're lazy.
Xander: I care about the environment.
Lucy: That's why you have just about every appliance in the house on.
Xander: I don't normally do that.
Lucy: I suppose they've been on since last night.
Xander: Yeah, well, I just passed out.
Lucy: look at all these bottles, how much have you been drinking?
Xander: I'm allowed - I'm an adult, am I not?
Lucy: That's debatable.
Xander: I can drink if I like.
Lucy: Mum warned me that this was a bad idea, so did Granddad.
Xander: Oh, well he's the one who's cut my allowance to a bloody trickle.
Lucy: You're nearly forty.
Xander: How do you know that?
Lucy: I thought you said you were an adult.
Xander: I wouldn't have to be here chasing grant money if it weren't for him.
Lucy: and here I was thinking that you cared about regional arts.
Xander: I do.
Lucy: What's this? (She pulls the throw of Lily.)
Xander: She's a blind mute.
Lucy: Lily Von Lieberslieder.
Lily: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Lily doesn't belong in the regions, Xander.
Lily: I told him that.
Lucy: Lily, don't agree with me, its creepy.
Xander: She's my associate director.
Lucy: Are you trying to alienate the people here? Do you really think that she's the right person.
Lily: I know how to behave, I know how to communicate and network, I went to Bedales too you
know.
Lucy: Last time you did a regional project you punched a community development officer.
Lily: She was coming at Xander with a knife.
Xander: She was cutting a cake, darling.
Lily: Ah, shut up.
Xander: We just need some help getting organised. We lost our Project Manager.
Lucy: How?
Lily: Xander pissed in his office.
Lucy: Xander!
Xander: I didn't know he would quit.
Lucy: Why?
Xander: He was irritating me.
Lucy: And I suppose you want me to be your new project manager?
Xander: Well...
Lucy: Are you mad?
Lily: Don't walk into that one, Xander.
Xander: I bet I could pay you more than you're earning now.
Lucy: You couldn't pay me enough.
Xander: Look at this budget - look at the money we've got for this.
(Xander pulls a piece of paper from the mess on the table.)
Lucy: That's your filing system?
Xander: I found it didn't I?
Lucy: This is a lot of money.
Xander: Yes, my dear.
Lily: We've been the brains trust behind the Australia Council (Or British Council) for years.
Lucy: I can't believe they've met you.
Xander: Well they have and we've got a lot of work on up here.
Lucy: What?
Xander: Burlesque-ercises for international Women's Day.
Lily: Bump'n'Grind your way to a fitter you.
Xander: Bump'n'Grind your way to a fitter you. We've Myerhold's Biomechanics for the mentally
ill, playbuilding for at risk youth, contemporary movement for the elderly... we've taken
over a historical re-enactment day.
Lucy: That should be interesting.
Xander: Better than when those amateurs do it. And we're casting a series that BBC Two are
shooting here.
Lucy: Why did they choose you?
Lily: We're big, and we're here on the ground.
Lucy: Literally.
Xander: (To audience.) This is just typical of my family.
Lucy: Is that still on.
Xander: No, I forgot. (He motions for the camera to continue as he talks.) I was saying that this
is typical of you lot, to criticise anything that I do. Its all about money, money, money,
money. 'Grow up, Xander'. 'Pull your weight, Xander'...
Lily: Better you than me sweetheart.
Xander: And even when I do manage to make to lots of money, by making good art by the way, not
the lifeless mass produced shit churned out to please the tourists and brain-damaged,
drooling at the mouth masses, like my father does, you all find something to whinge and
bitch and moan about.
Lily: Tell her to piss off, Xander.
Xander: Meanwhile, I offer you a rare opportunity for some exciting work in the miserable little
backwater and you just shit on me from a great hight because your happy marketing some..
dull piece of shit... I don't know what.... for this fiancee who's probably boring enough
to make drying paint look like Disneyland...
(Lucy has started to cry.)
Lily: Sex is probably like Temazepam.
Lucy: That's none of your business.
(The door bell rings.)
Xander: Good the supplies are here. I need another drink.
Lucy: Don't break your habits on my account.
(Xander dashes off).
Lily: So this fiancee...
Lucy: I'm not discussing him with you.
Lily: Is he... satisfied?
Lucy: Where's the computer?
Lily: Don't know - you lived here.
(Xander enterswith Jac and Melanie).
Xander: I wondered where you'd gone so early!
Lucy: Early?
Melanie: Oh yeah! I'm never up and about before eleven thirty.
Lucy: I gather this is an employee of yours.
Lily: Ha!
Xander: Lucy: This is my assistant, Melanie...
Melanie: Hello!
Xander: And this is Jac - our technical director.
Jac: Greetings.
Melanie: I thought Jac might need help - we were out of pretzels, Xander.
Lily: I'm sure he could have bent you into one, dear.
Xander: Shut up!
Lucy: Xander, I've just remembered that I have an email to send.
Xander: The computer in my room's on...
Lucy: Right.
(She exits.)
Melanie: Ooh, thet one's cold!
Jac: She was as cold as ice.
Xander: She's just reserved...
Lily: She's just a bitch!
Xander: She's just down the hall - so perhaps you should all shut up!
Melanie: Single?
Xander: Engaged!
Melanie and Lily: Probably cheating!
Melanie: That was creepy.
Xander: Will you stop saying that?
Lily: What's this guys name?
Xander: You won't know him.
Lily: What is it?
Xander: I don't remember.
Melanie: Let's look in her bag.
Jac: Check her phone...
Xander: No don't do that....
Lily: Well you can't remember.
Xander: Alright - but I don't approve of this.
(All four are rifling through Lucy's bag when she enters.)
Lucy: What are you doing?
Xander: Ah, dear...
Melanie: We needed a...
Lily: (Pulling out a packet of tampons.) Tampon.
Jac: Yes... for Lily.
Lily: I need one.
Lucy: I wouldn't think you did any more.
Lily: Little...
Xander: We're so sorry, Lucy, dear.
Lucy: Look, just clean the place up - I know there's a lot of my stuff stored here but you can keep things
tidy... and for goodness sake, hire a Project Manager - no one here can do it!
Xander: Yes.
Lucy: Here's my card - if you need to call me at work...
Xander: Thank you.
Lucy: I'll see you later.
Xander: Ciao ciao!
Lucy: And delete anything with me in it. I don't want to be part of your stupid, self-indulgent film.
Xander: Lucy, Lucy... Won't you give some thought to my offer?
Lucy: No!
(Lucy exits.)
Xander: Well thank you so bloody muc - Lily...
Lily: What? What did I do?
Xander: "Sex must be like temazapm", Lily!
Lily: One little, thing...
Xander: Not just one....
Lily: One little thing compared to your never-ending, rant!
Xander: You were a bitch, Lily!
(Melanie has picked up the business card Lucy left and compares it to one in her purse. She is showing it to Jac.)
Lily: One thing, next to your endless projectile vomit of self-pity...
Xander: Ah, shut up!
Lily: Not my fault.
Melanie: Shut up!
Xander: You bitter, dried up...
Lily: Not listening....
Jac and Melanie: Shut up!
Lily: What did you say to me you little slag?
Xander: How dare you.
Jac: Look at the business cards....
Melanie: A guy gave me this at the club last - he wanted me to meet him.
Xander: What?
Melanie: It's the same company as Lucy's.
Xander: Jewell Promotions.
Melanie: And this card is from Scott Jewell.
Xander: Scott Jewell.
Jac: Doesn't Lucy work for her fiancee?
Xander: Yes.
Lily: You didn't even know his name!
Xander: Piss off!
Melanie: Its him.
Xander: He's cheating on her!
Lily: I knew it.
Xander: Lily... if you weren't a woman and I weren't a pacifist I could hit you right now....
Lily: As if....
Jac: Stop it you two... are we going to do something?
Lily: Don't get involved.
Xander: Of course I'm bloody well getting involved - she's my niece and the bastards cheating!
Melanie: I'll meet with him again - he said he'd be there tonight.
Xander: No!
Jac: Don't you want to catch him out - I'll take the pictures, you call your niece.
Melanie: Then she'll quit...
Xander: She'll... have to take the job as our project manager... won't she?
Lily: No!
Xander: But I'm not doing it for that... that's just a ... bonus.
Melanie: I'll have to start getting ready.
Xander: No... you're not doing it.... Lily... you seduce him!
Lily: Why should I do it.... Idon't even care, and I certainly don't want her working for us!
Jac: Perhaps she's right.... you can't just throw Lily at some young playboy to suit your own agenda.
Lily: Young playboy?
Jac: Yes - I actually listen to Lucy - he's thirty-two and earns 150 thou a year...
Lily: Yes he can, Jac - Xander , throw me at him... I'm not heartless, after all.
Melanie: You're too old.
Lily: Mature, Melanie.
Melanie: Like old cheese...
Lily: Yes... cultured and tasty...
Xander: Well go and get... tasty....
Lily: Haha... She goes to exit...
Xander: You're room's there.
(Lily dances off).
Jac: The poor boy...
Xander: Poor boy?
Melanie: Setting Lily on him...
Jac: What a terrible comeuppance.
