Suburban Bohemia - Ep2 Scene 1. Please read! Page 2

The audience can be let in when the world of the script (its agenda and characters) are a lot stronger. At the moment this feels like an in-joke between friends based on half-conceived and half-'borrowed' characters from elsewhere. The audience needs to know what is going on. These characters are very thinly defined and created (your starting point is not part of most people's experience zones or understanding).

The mockumentary genre is a well trodden path in comedy - Chris Lilley is doing very well Down Under with it.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ May 25 2011, 9:54 AM BST

The audience can be let in when the world of the script (its agenda and characters) are a lot stronger. At the moment this feels like an in-joke between friends based on half-conceived and half-'borrowed' characters from elsewhere. The audience needs to know what is going on. These characters are very thinly defined and created (your starting point is not part of most people's experience zones or understanding).

The mockumentary genre is a well trodden path in comedy - Chris Lilley is doing very well Down Under with it.

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The industry assessor who reviewed a short pilot I did for this a while back seemed to think that the characters and concept were quite original. While there is certainly similarities to other stuff and I certainly have my own comic influences, I don't think that they are too 'borrowed'.

Have you seen a documentary called "Grey Gardens"? The mother and daughter that are the subjects go about their daily lives with very little interference from the film-makers. They remenisce and squabble as they do so and often give asides to the camera telling their 'side of the story' during arguments. I am a fan of Chris Lilly's work, but I would score this more along the lines of "Grey Gardens" than what he does.
Obviously there is some lack of information here - this being a scene from the second episode, after the characters have already been introduced, and a short scene at that. Short character descriptions might help readers to understand the scene better, as they have not had the benefit of reading the first episode.
I am very conscious of writing too much exposition and can already see chunks here that I could cut out. I always write too much to start with.
Also, does this sound more like a single-camera, no laughs kind of thing, or a studio sitcom to you?
Thanks for the feedback.

I am very familiar with GREY GARDENS. But that is an early 1970's (?) documentary about two very real and partially tragic people. It is not a sitcom nor is it intended to be a comedy.

Your characters are not giving their side. At the moment, they are just talking in an A to B to C fashion. Neither are they created with any background that is instantly believable or interesting. The women in GREY GARDENS were ex Hampton heiresses (related to Jackie O) whose lives had fallen from grace mentally and financially.

Good scripts don't need lengthy character biogs. It should be there in every word, every interuption and action. Your dialogue feels a bit passive. Think of active.

From what I have read here of your piece, I am not convinced the world (you may have in your head) is there on the page. Whether they are talking to the camera or not has nothing to do with it if the characters are not fully fleshed out (and relying on actors to do that is frankly lazy).

Xander: I'm making a documentary.

Lucy: What you're making is an excuse.

Xander: You really don't get it, to you?

Lucy: Have you got the strategic plan for me.

Xander: What.

Lucy: You were supposed to write something for our strategic plan.

Xander: No, I don't have it, Lucy.

Lucy: I've been asking for a fortnight.

Xander: I've just got a block.

Lucy: For goodness sake.

Xander: And I've been busy.

Lucy: No busier than anybody else here... though that's not saying much.

Xander: You have no idea what my job entails.

All very nice but there is no comedy, no laughs, no quirks of character. The dialogue could be allocated to any of your characters. There is not enough individuality to these people.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ May 25 2011, 11:27 AM BST

I am very familiar with GREY GARDENS. But that is an early 1970's (?) documentary about two very real and partially tragic people. It is not a sitcom nor is it intended to be a comedy.

Your characters are not giving their side. They are just talking in an A to B to C fashion. Neither are they created with any background that is instantly believable or interesting. Sorry - but the women in GREY GARDENS were ex Hampton heiresses (related to Jackie O) whose laughs had fallen from grace mentally and financially.

Good scripts don't need lengthy character biogs. It should be there in every word, every interuption and action. Your dialogue is very passive. You need to think of making the whole thing active.

From what I have read here of your piece, I am not convinced the world (you may have in your head) is there on the page. Whether they are talking to the camera or not has nothing to do with it if the characters are not fully fleshed out (and relying on actors to do that is frankly lazy and naive).

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I understand that "Grey Gardens" is real and not a sitcom - I too am very familiar with it and the story behind it. What I was referring to was the style of documentary that it is. I like the style and think it could work well for a comedy.
The idea that I have developed, at length, is cerainly not meant to be totally funny throughout. There are moments of bitterness and discomfort. It is helpful to have an outside perspective, however, as my colleague and I perform the characters of Lily and Xander often and what is apparent to me from knowing the material, is not necessarily apparent to someone reading it who has never seen it and has no familiarity with it. We have had a lot of time to build up a rapport with the audience and develop the characters at our regular performance venue - so I genuinely appreciate the perspective of someone outside as a reader at a production company will need to understand where it is going from the script - so I certainly am not relying on the actors.

I am following the industry assessor's advice and trying to transfer what has been a stage-bound concept to film and, as he advised, fleshing it out with more characters, shorter scenes and a variety of settings - I am still dealing with the process of punching out what the adience needs to know in this format. Thanks for your feedback.

Just because the mockumentary is 'well trod' I wouldn't let that out you off. All it means is that it is a Genre now. Pirate films come and go, and then they come and go again for example. Just like miniskirts if you think about it.

I like the point that what the character says, should portray them as well as the acotr themselves.

Character 1: Why did the chicken cross the road ?

Passive Character 1: I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road

or

Active Charcter 1: Who give's a f*ck.

or

Active Character 2: What chicken ? What road ?

or

Active Character 3: Never mind why, I want to know the who with.

Alright... not perfect yet by any means, but I have tried to delineate the characters a little more clearly in their speech rhythms. I have only started writing the Jac and Melanie characters quite recently, so bear with me. I have deleated some repetition and exposition. I have also popped in some brief character descriptions - not to determine the characters, but just to let you know who's who without the benfit of episode one or more scenes.

Suburban Bohemia
by Todd Barty

Episode two, scene one.

Cast

Xander Zanii
A flambouyant artistic director of a metropolitan Arts/Media company who has never fully grown out of his New Romantic eighties childhood. He is snooty, arch and irresponsible, likes to think that he 'cares' but, in spite of his talent, he is very poor at relating to people.

Lily Von Lieberslieder
Xander's one time wife and lifelong best friend. She is an ageing 'goth' who works as an associate director for Xander. She has had a career as a dancer and singer, and parties even harder than Xander.

Lucy Llewellen
Lucy is Xander's niece and the project administrator for his company. She is sensible and efficient and has to parent her unruly co-workers.

Jac
Jac is an androgynous French designer and technician who is the technical dogsbody for the company. He is frequently party to the misrule of his friends Lily and Xander, but is more restrained and sees, to an extent, the ridiculousness of their behaviour.

Melanie
Melanie is a vacuous heiress who aspires to be a 'serious' actress. She is Xander's regular lover and he justifies keeping her around by employing her as a secretary while he 'finds the right part' for her.

The show takes place in the regional city of Townsville (Australia) where the crew have set up in order to grab regional arts funding money.

The scene takes place in the kitchen/sitting room of the house that they occupy.

Xander and Jac are boiling eggs on the stove.

Xander: Ow. Ow. I've dropped the spoon.

Jac: J'arrive.

Xander: Bloody owwww! Quick - they'll be too hard.

Jac hands Xander another spoon.

Jac: A spoon.

Xander spots the audience/camera.

Xander: Hello there people.. Welcome to another week of cultural exploration, I'm Xander Zanii.
To begin, this week, Jac and I are showing you how to make an environmentally sound
breakfast by using the water that we've boiled the eggs in to make coffee...

Xander takes the eggs out and picks up the pot. There is no coffee in the nearby plunger.

Where's the coffee, Jac?

Jac: Je suis desolee.

Jac quickly puts grounds in the plunger.

Xander: Oww... this is heavy, you're supposed to be prepared for the cameras!

Jac: Oui.

Xander: Speak English, we don't have subtitles... Actually can we have subtitles? (Pause) Well
we're not paying for them so speak English.

Jac: Speak English.

Xander: Alright, you put that water in your plunger to make your coffee... and thereby save on that
precious natural resource. And it doesn't taste like egg at all, I assure you...

Jac: It taste like the eggs yesterday.

Xander: That was an accident. Shut up!

Lucy: Off. Good morning, all...

Xander: Shit!

Lucy enters with groceries.
Xander: Lucy!

Lucy: Not dressed yet?

Xander: I'm having breakfast.

Lucy: I see.

Xander: What?

Lucy: Well, its just that I've already been out and got groceries before work and you haven't had
breakfast or got dressed.

Xander: I'm making a documentary.

Lucy: What you're making is an excuse.

Xander: You really don't get it, do you?

Jac: I help you put these away, cherie.

(Jac starts putting the groceries away.)

Xander: Stop kissing arse.

Lucy: Have you got the strategic plan for me.

Xander: What.

Lucy: You were supposed to write something for our strategic plan. I've been asking for a
fortnight.

Xander: I've been very busy.

Lucy: No busier than anybody else here... though that's not saying much.

Xander: You have no idea what my job entails.

Lucy: Your days are hardly full.

Xander: Creative endeavor is very draining.

Lucy: Not draining enough to keep you from going out until all hours of the morning
afterwards.

Xander: I am under a lot of pressure - you don't know what you're talking about!

Xander flings himself onto the sofa.

Jac: Here we go.

Xander: I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm streesed - people just think I'm...

Jac: A bastard who is unsympathetic...

Xander: Thank you, Jac!

Lucy: Well, I've got to go.

Xander: A bastard who is unsympathetic, they see me as, Lucy...

Lucy: I've got a meeting.

Xander: What meeting?

Lucy: Local sponsors.

Xander: I should be at that.

Lucy: No, Xander, we're actually trying to keep them on board.

Xander: I am the Artisitc Director of this company.

Lucy: Yes, well... you just stick with that and leave this to me.

Xander: I created this company, from the ground up...

Jac: Did not your family give you money?

Xander: Shut up! I created this company from nothing with my bare hands and my talent....
and now you treat me like I'm its greatest embarrassment....

Lily stumbles from her bedroom.

Lily: good morning.

Xander, Lucy, Jac: Well, almost.

Lily: What?

Xander: Nothing, Lily dearest, My sanctimonious niece was just visciously biting at the hand
that feeds her again.

Lily: Whatever she said, tell her to piss off.

Lucy: I'm off.

Lily: Where's my coffee.

Xander: Lucy, did you get Irish Cream?

Lucy: No.

Xander: I told you to get Irish Cream.
Lucy: Xander, you and your friends do not need to have Irish Cream in your coffee at breakfast
time. That is ridiculous!

Lily: Who made you moral compass?

Lucy: See you later, get the strategic plan done!

Lucy exits

Xander: Get Irish Cream!

Jac: She's not going to get it.

Xander: We'll go to the bottle shop.

Lily: It's too early. (She sits at the table and puts her head down.)

Xander: Melanie!

A toilet flushes and Melanie comes from the bathroom in her negligee. She has cocaine on her nose.)

Melanie: Hiya!

Xander: Morning gorgeous... we've got to go out.

Melanie: Oh, that's poo... are we out of Irish Cream?

Xander: Yes.

Melanie: Lily... when there's not much left we have to save it for breakfast!

Lily: Don't shout at me!.

Melanie: I'll get ready.

Jac: Eggs for anybody?

Lily: Alright.

Xander: Melanie, dear...

Melanie: Yeah?

Xander: Just let me.... He brushes some cocaine off her nose and pusts it on his teeth.

Melanie: Oh, sweet... She giggles and kisses him on the cheek and runs out.

Xander: That's good... (He sits down for breakfast with Lily and Jac.).

Just read your blurb on ZAC and XANDER. They are both the same character to me.

How so?

Xander is a noisy, domineering and usually insensitive character while Jac is quiet, perhaps passive aggressive and tries, in his way, to keep calm between his colleagues.

On the often maligned sitcom "Filthy Rich and Catflap", reviewer Tanya Jones had this to say...

"Although the series could be accused of self-indulgence, this is almost missing the point. It was written for the enjoyment of the writers, the cast, and whoever was willing to go along with them, giving the show a rather intimate and informal feel. The overall feeling of being party to a big in-joke..." http://www.noisetosignal.org/2008/08/filthy-rich-and-catflap

If someone said this about "Suburban Bohemia" one day, I could be quite happy. Perhaps this lets you know, a little better, what I'm going for. What do you think?