One Millionth Customer

Thought I'd see what people thought of this. Potential for being an animation.

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT.

BILL is first in a line of customers, he is at the counter choosing his order, the MANAGER is strangely excited.

BILL
Can I have...

MANAGER
(Under his breath)
Say it... say it!!

BILL
A double-mega-whopper meal?

Fanfare starts playing, ticker tape, a banner rolls down 'One Millionth Customer'.

MANAGER
Congratulations!  You're our One millionth customer!

BILL
What?!  Really?!

MANAGER
And here to present you with your special prize is Hollywood Hunk... Hugh Jackman!

HUGH walks into shot, next to the MANAGER.

HUGH
G'Day.

BILL
Oh my God!  It's Wolverine!

HUGH is holding a tray with a cloth draped over it.

HUGH
Mate.  I've got this very special gift here for you.

BILL
What is it?!  This is so exciting.

HUGH pulls away the cloth to reveal.

HUGH
A free Burger!

BILL's face drops.

BILL
A free Burger?

HUGH
Yep.  Pretty Bonza!

BILL
I'm the One millionth customer and all I get is a free f**king burger?!

MANAGER
It's super sized!

BILL
But it's still just a burger, why did you have to make such a big song and dance about it?

HUGH
Firstly, I've not been paid to sing or dance.  ...Although I can! And secondly, I don't appreciate the blue language.

BILL
Oh F**k off Hugh Jackman!

HUGH
Grrr!!

HUGH extends his Wolverine claws, leans across the counter and stabs BILL.  BILL drops to the ground dead.  The customer in line behind BILL looks scared.

NEXT CUSTOMER
Um...  just some... Onion Rings please Mr Jackman.

HUGH and the MANAGER look at each other.  Fanfare starts playing, ticker tape.

MANAGER
Congratulations!  You're our One millionth customer!

I like the concept, but it needs tweaking. Get a few more laughs in.

If animated I'd like to see Hugh maybe hold up a poster after his "Firstly, I've not been paid to sing or dance. ...Although I can!" line before going on. Maybe it's him in a musical, something unexpected, with rave reviews attached. Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz or something.

I'd also like him to use knives (or, even better, forks) instead of 'real' claws. Something he's made himself. Maybe a glove with kitchen utensils attached to the fingers.

Cheers Putters

Quote: Nil Putters @ May 25 2011, 12:07 AM BST

If animated I'd like to see Hugh maybe hold up a poster... Wizard of Oz

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That's a really good idea, I'm going to nick that! Thanks

Quote: Nil Putters @ May 25 2011, 12:07 AM BST

I'd also like him to use knives (or, even better, forks) instead of 'real' claws. Something he's made himself. Maybe a glove with kitchen utensils attached to the fingers.

View original

Hehe, I like the idea that he's made his own claws, turns him into quite a sad figure, 'let it go' Hugh. I'm not sure I can use it though, might be too distracting to throw another idea like that in.

More jokes would be nice I'm trying to think of a funnier burger name at the moment.

Maybe, at the end, Hugh puts his little hat on and goes back to working there?

Burgers? Hugh could suggest a burger with a tenuous link to a film me his? Can't of anything right now, I need sleep.

Quote: Nil Putters @ May 25 2011, 12:07 AM BST

I like the concept, but it needs tweaking. Get a few more laughs in.

If animated I'd like to see Hugh maybe hold up a poster after his "Firstly, I've not been paid to sing or dance. ...Although I can!" line before going on. Maybe it's him in a musical, something unexpected, with rave reviews attached. Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz or something.

I'd also like him to use knives (or, even better, forks) instead of 'real' claws. Something he's made himself. Maybe a glove with kitchen utensils attached to the fingers.

View original

Good ideas.

Not sure I get the Hugh link or if there even is one. Nice little sketch, look forward to see where it goes.

I'd like to see the customer charged for extra onion rings or to max up his 1,000,000th customer deal (compliantly). For me the Jackman/Wolverine thing wasn't the selling point, more that it is any old film star/celebrity and a 1,000,000th customer. The Wolverine stuff distracted from the central strength of the sketch.

Hey ShoePie,

I really liked it, although my first initial reaction when reading the 1st few lines were 'This has been done before on Trigger Happy TV' (Woman coming out of a public toilet). But was still good though.

In regards to the ticker-tape/banner bit, you didn't put much detail in, so I don't know if you were imagining JUST ticket-tape, banner and fan fare. I could imagine you going REALLY over the top in that aspect. Things like, scantily clad women walking up to Bill, brass band all dressed up walking around, maybe even an elephant or circus type thing going on outside. With this bigger build up, the winning burger gag would work better with its huge let down.

When Hugh says his song & dance reference, I assume that's refering to his Lipton Ice Tea advert? When he says '...Although I can' it would be funny if he would do a sideways look to the camera/audience with a smug smile as if he's a proper ladies man.

I think it would well both either live action (although the chances of getting Hugh Jackman onboard...) or animation. Good luck

Quote: Badge @ May 25 2011, 1:46 AM BST

The Wolverine stuff distracted from the central strength of the sketch.

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Thanks Badge. Yeah that was a bit tacked on, I always struggle with big endings and having the wolverine angle allowed me to claw him at the end. If I can think of a cleverer out, I might drop the Wolverine reference.

Quote: Goose24 @ May 25 2011, 5:19 AM BST

I could imagine you going REALLY over the top in that aspect. Things like, scantily clad women walking up to Bill, brass band all dressed up walking around, maybe even an elephant or circus type thing going on outside. With this bigger build up, the winning burger gag would work better with its huge let down.

View original

Thanks for the reply Goose!

I was going to go for just a ticker tape, and the banner, but now you mention it, this is animation! I should really go over the top with this. Will do! Thanks!

I hadn't seen the Lipton Ice Tea advert, very funny . Makes me want to use Hugh even more for it now.

If you reference this Lipton ad (unknown to me too) people may not get it if they haven't already seen it.

I'm English, but currently travelling around Australia, so unsure if they're showing this ad back home: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rb0Ozy3BGg I take it from these replies that they're not.

But glad to be of help Let us know when we can see the final animation

After all that, I'm probably not going to animate it now. There's too many characters to draw, and I'm getting a bit fed up with humans anyway. Bring on the Chipmunks!

Here's the finished script:

http://www.shoepie.co.uk/misc/million.pdf

I liked thisa lot Shoepie. Lovely idea and I especially love the 'although I can do both' line. I'm not sure if the ending works for me. I could be way off with this but what if after Jackman stabs him they then proceed to discuss the logistics of swear words and what does and does not constitute a swear word. Bill of course is on his last legs as this whole conversation is playing out and just as he convinces him that 'Bellend' is in fact not a swear word he keels over. Jackman then sheepishly walks away.

Loved it. Really. Doesn't matter that there is no link to Hugh Jackman. He's just in it and that's partly what makes it so funny. In fact you could change the celebrity and adapt the script accordingly...oh now I'm thinking Katherine Tate's burger van "Nevill" sketch...this could work in a similar way actually. Think the ending needs a bit more punch. But it's definitely good!

Thanks a lot guys! Yeah the ending lets it down. And there also isn't a 'joke' until line 6 (10-15 seconds in) which is starting to worry me now.

I have a chance to get a script voiced by someone very funny, so I'm trying to come up with something to do the actor justice. And this isn't quite it.

I like the core idea of a millionth customer getting a crappy burger as their prize - perhaps one without gherkins and the man getting angry as he loves gherkins. Don't like the Hugh Jackman bits though.