Suburban Bohemia - Ep2 Scene 1. Please read!

This is a new scene from my sitcom's second episode. Please critique!

Suburban Bohemia
Episode Two

By Todd Barty

The Kitchen. Xander and Jac are boiling eggs on the stove.

Xander: Ow. Ow. I've dropped the spoon.

Jac: Hold on.

Xander: Bloody owwww! Quick - they'll be too hard.

Jac hands Xander another spoon.

Jac: Here.

Xander spots the audience/camera.

Xander: Hello there people, and welcome to another week of cultural exploration, I'm Xander Zanii.
To begin, this week, Jac and I are showing you how to make an environmentally sound
breakfast by using the water that we've boiled the eggs in to make coffee...

Xander takes the eggs out and picks up the pot. There is no coffee in the nearby plunger.

Where's the coffee, Jac?

Jac: Sorry.

Jac quickly puts grounds in the plunger.

Xander: Oww... this is heavy, you're supposed to be prepared for the cameras!

Jac: There.

Xander: And you put that water in your plunger to make your coffee... and thereby save on that
precious natural resource. And it doesn't taste like egg at all, I assure you...

Jac: It did the other day.

Xander: Yes, that was an accident. Shut up!

Lucy: (Off) Good morning, all...

Xander: Shit!

Lucy enters with groceries.

Xander: Lucy!

Lucy: Not dressed yet?

Xander: I'm having breakfast.

Lucy: I see.

Xander: What?

Lucy: Well, its just that I've already been out and got groceries before work and you haven't had
breakfast or got dressed.

Xander: I'm making a documentary.

Lucy: What you're making is an excuse.

Xander: You really don't get it, to you?

Lucy: Have you got the strategic plan for me.

Xander: What.

Lucy: You were supposed to write something for our strategic plan.

Xander: No, I don't have it, Lucy.

Lucy: I've been asking for a fortnight.

Xander: I've just got a block.

Lucy: For goodness sake.

Xander: And I've been busy.

Lucy: No busier than anybody else here... though that's not saying much.

Xander: You have no idea what my job entails.

Lucy: I do... It entails sleeping in, eating something, getting dressed, having a drink, making a
telephone call, getting another dirnk, writing for an hour hour or so and then stopping to
discuss it over a drink, making somecorrections, having a sleep, taking a meetings or
rehearsals for a few hours, sometimes while having a drink and then... having a drink.

Xander: Its very draining.

Lucy: Well obviously not draining enough to keep you from going out until all hours of the morning
afterwards.

Xander: Oh, you just have no idea of the pressure that I'm under... or the stress of being creative...

Xander flings himself onto the sofa.

Jac: Here we go.

Xander: I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm streesed - people just think I'm...
Jac: An unsympathetic bastard.

Xander: Thank you, Jac!

Lucy: Well, I've got to go.

Xander: An unsypathetic bastard, they see me as, Lucy...

Lucy: I've got a meeting.

Xander: What meeting?

Lucy: Local sponsors.

Xander: I should be at that.

Lucy: No, Xander, we're actually trying to keep them on board.

Xander: I am the Artisitc Director of this company.

Lucy: Yes, well... you just stick with that and leave this to me.

Xander: I created this company, from the ground up...

Jac: With your family money....

Xander: Shut up! I created this company from nothing with my bare hands and my talent....
and now you treat me like I'm its greatest embarrassment....

Lily stumbles from her bedroom.

Lily: good morning.

Xander, Lucy,Jac: Well, almost.

Lily: What?

Xander: Nothing, Lily dearest, My sanctimonious niece was just visciously biting at the hand
that feeds her again.

Lily: Whatever she said, tell her to piss off.

Lucy: I'm off.

Lily: Where's my coffee.

Xander: Lucy, did you get Irish Cream?

Lucy: No.

Xander: I told you to get Irish Cream.

Lucy: Xander, you and your friends here do not need to have Irish Cream in your coffee at breakfast
time. That is ridiculous!

Lily: No one made you moral compass.

Lucy: See you later, get the strategic plan done!

Lucy exits

Xander: get Irish Cream!

Jac: She's not going to get it.

Xander: I know, we'll have to go to the bottle shop now.

Lily: It's too early. (She sits at the table and puts her head down.)

Xander: Melanie!

(A toilet flushes and Melanie comes from the bathroom in her negligee. She has cocaine on her nose.)

Melanie: Yeah?

Xander: We've got to go out.

Melanie: Are we out of Irish Cream?

Xander: Yes.

Melanie: Lily... when there's not much left we have to save it for breakfast!

Lily: Piss off.

Melanie: I'll get ready.

Jac: Eggs, anybody?

Lily: Alright.

Xander: Melanie, dear...

Melanie: Yeah?

Xander: Just let me.... He brushes some cocaine off her nose and pusts it on his teeth.

Melanie: Thanks... She giggles and kisses him on the cheek and runs out.

Xander: Its good, its good... (He sits down for breakfast with Lily and Jac.).

Anyone?

I sort of get the joke.

The horrible advice for how to save money and them bickering and undermining each other.

It's the jokes feel a little under done and the characters a little samey.

...WITH THE EGG-WATER COFFEE, LET THE ACTION DELIVER THE LINE.

...USE THE EGG SHELLS FOR ESPRESSO CUPS?

...RESORT TO STALE MILK FROM THE FRIDGE MIXED WITH WHITE WINE?

...I GUESS THIS ECO BREAKFAST IS A SET UP FOR LATER, SO, YE, FLOWS ALRIGHT. I CAN PICTURE THE CHARACTERS WELL, BUT PERHAPS THAT'S COS IT FEELS A LITTLE LIKE 'GAME ON'.

A scene should be self contained and funny in and of it's self.

Keep the advice fairly sensible such as making coffee with egg water.

But play up how the characters react to this?

Basil Fawlty was a demented man raging at quite mundane events.

Thanks for the feedback so far. The jokes do rely, to an extent, on the larger than life characterisations of those delivering them (Think "The Young Ones" in terms of over-the-top characters.).

In the whole show, it is clearer that Melanie and lily are quite different, although they do not do too much here.

Anyone else?

If as a writer you're saying

"hey it's not funny off the page but the actors will make it work"

then you're going to fail.

Sorry.

Quote: sootyj @ May 24 2011, 5:21 AM BST

If as a writer you're saying

"hey it's not funny off the page but the actors will make it work"

then you're going to fail.

Sorry.

View original

Well its a good thing that I didn't say it wasn't funny on the page then.

Anyone with a connection to the performing arts understands that a script is not fully realised until it is performed. A comedy by Shakespeare is much funnier to watch brought to life by actors than to read.
Consider - would you rather read your favourite sitcom or watch it?
When I read the scripts to some of my favourite sitcoms, I find them amusing, but to see them actually performed is much funnier - I rarely laugh out loud reading the script - that's all that I mean.

I do tend to write amusing banter (the kind of thing that I find amusing, anyway), rather than doing many 'jokes' as such. That's how most sitcoms I like seem to be.

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with keeping things fairly believable but doing it in a maniacal way.

Following your techniques ToddB here is my new sitcom.

Characters A, B and C do funny things and say funny things for half an hour. Then repeat for 6 more episodes.

It doesn't read funy off the page, but wait till it's performed.

Quote: ToddB @ May 24 2011, 6:46 AM BST

Well its a good thing that I didn't say it wasn't funny on the page then.

Anyone with a connection to the performing arts understands that a script is not fully realised until it is performed. A comedy by Shakespeare is much funnier to watch brought to life by actors than to read.
Consider - would you rather read your favourite sitcom or watch it?
When I read the scripts to some of my favourite sitcoms, I find them amusing, but to see them actually performed is much funnier - I rarely laugh out loud reading the script - that's all that I mean.

View original

You're doing yourself no favours with this attitude, Todd. Make it as funny as you can on the page, and make the characters distinctive, otherwise you'll never get anywhere. It has to work on the page before anyone will go to the trouble of performing it.

Also, dialogue can be memorable and funny without being traditional "jokes". Look at Peep Show or The Thick Of It and you'll see acres of very funny endlessly quotable lines.

Quote: ToddB @ May 24 2011, 6:46 AM BST

Well its a good thing that I didn't say it wasn't funny on the page then.

Anyone with a connection to the performing arts understands that a script is not fully realised until it is performed. A comedy by Shakespeare is much funnier to watch brought to life by actors than to read.
Consider - would you rather read your favourite sitcom or watch it?
When I read the scripts to some of my favourite sitcoms, I find them amusing, but to see them actually performed is much funnier - I rarely laugh out loud reading the script - that's all that I mean.

View original

But this isn't Shakespeare. And yes - a script does need to be funny on the page, from the start and throughout. Good scripts do not get "funnier" when they are performed because they should be funny already (how many read-throughs or rehearsals have you sat in on of work that has been shot, broadcast and well received?).

And your comment about watching existing sitcoms feels naive. Most successful comedies can be read or watched. The experience will be the same because the writing is good.

The extract you have provided loses the reader's and its own interest very quickly. The dialogue feels very unreal (and was done better in AB FAB and countless other benchmarks this one is clearly apeing), it is loaded with unnecessary exposition and doesn't know where the characters are. You may know this world (whatever that really is) but I am not sure - at the moment - your writing does. Characters do not talk in ABC structures.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ May 24 2011, 1:52 PM BST

Good scripts do not get "funnier" when they are performed

View original

The performance can add a lot to a script; the choices on how a performer decides to deliver the material. But obviously it should be clearly funny on the page.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ May 24 2011, 1:52 PM BST

Most successful comedies can be read or watched. The experience will be the same because the writing is good.

View original

They should be able to be enjoyed if read or watched, yes; but the idea that the experience will be the same seems clearly wrong.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ May 24 2011, 2:00 PM BST

The performance can add a lot to a script; the choices on how a performer decides to deliver the material. But obviously it should be clearly funny on the page.

They should be able to be enjoyed if read or watched, yes; but the idea that the experience will be the same seems clearly wrong.

View original

Okay - there are differences (obviously). But a good comedy script should be very visual, read and flow like a piece of effective TV and self edit. If the characters are well drawn, then any good actor can come in and play a part because it and the comedy are fleshed out on the page. Check out any script from an existing show and the writing is sparse, the dialogue sparing and the comedy solid. It is the difference between a very passive script (loaded with dialogue addressing the past and too much detail - which the extract here does in lieu of knowing where the 'funny' is) and an active comedy script where everything is moving forward with the audience allowed to keep up (and ahead) at all times.

Despite the character looking to the audience, I felt this extract did not care much for who would be watching/reading as it was too concerned about the idea of itself for any marked comedy or characters to come to the fore.

It's pretty simple funny script+funny prudction/performance.

Is like gin+tonic together they make a great cocktail.

However good the gin if you add it to codliver oil it'll make a nasty cocktail.

Quote: chipolata @ May 24 2011, 10:26 AM BST

Make it as funny as you can on the page, and make the characters distinctive, otherwise you'll never get anywhere. It has to work on the page before anyone will go to the trouble of performing it.

Also, dialogue can be memorable and funny without being traditional "jokes". Look at Peep Show or The Thick Of It and you'll see acres of very funny endlessly quotable lines.

View original

We actually do perform this stuff on stage and people do laugh - not that I take that as any indication that it is perfect - nothing ever is in art and I am attempting here to transfer the characters and the comedy to a different medium with different requirements, which is a challenge.

I am just getting into "Peep Show" (it has just started over here) but have watched a lot of "The Thick Of It" and love it.

Quote: 2ChristianTypists @ May 24 2011, 1:52 PM BST

But this isn't Shakespeare. And yes - a script does need to be funny on the page, from the start and throughout. Good scripts do not get "funnier" when they are performed because they should be funny already (how many read-throughs or rehearsals have you sat in on of work that has been shot, broadcast and well received?).

And your comment about watching existing sitcoms feels naive. Most successful comedies can be read or watched. The experience will be the same because the writing is good.

View original

No, it certainly isn't Shakespeare.

I have to disagree with your comment about reading and watching being the same experience. I am an actor and the effect of reading a script (even a very good one) at the first read through is quite different to seeing a fully realised production. I do not mean by this, howver, that a script doesn't need to be strong in itslef.

I know what you mean about letting the audience in. I often feel, when I'm writing something comical, that it comes out rather bitter and has sort of smug in-joke feel to it. I am genuinely supprised when people laugh at the chracters when we perform them. I'd like to know your views on how to let the audience in more here - as when we are performing live we have the opportunity to directly address the audience (usually with various back-handed insults and condescension), but film does not offer that opportunity. That is one reason that I find the idea of doing it in a slightly documentary fashion attractive, so that there still can be some asides to the audience.