Skit Comp 10-17.5.11 Page 2

UPDATING MY PROFILE

F/X: TYPING SOUNDS AND A DOOR OPENS. THE TYPING STOPS.

MATT:
Hi Johnno, what you up to?

JOHNNO:
Oh, hi Matt. Just, er, updating my profile.

MATT:
What is it? Facebook? Sad flatmates dot com? (LAUGHS)

JOHNNOHESITANT)
Actually it's a dating website. Time I got back on the bike, so to speak.

MATT:
Good idea mate - and not with a bike this time. What have you got so far?

JOHNNO:
Attractive male would like to meet --

MATT:
Hang on, steady there!

JOHNNO:
Is attractive a bit too - optimistic?

MATT:
Well, yes... but everyone says it on these sites. It's the next bit. Nobody says "would like to meet". It's all WLTM. Or WLTF. Do you really want to F?

JOHNNO:
No! M, I would like to M!

MATT:
Okay, okay, WLTM. You can't eff before you've emmed anyway. What else have you got?

JOHNNO:
I dunno Matt, I can't compete with all the other profiles. It's all bungee jumping in New Zealand, trekking through the Andes or making their own yogurt in a yurt.

MATT:
You kind of make your own yogurt - I had to throw out the milk again. What about using friends to describe you? That's a common trick.

JOHNNO:
Yeah, but they've all got a large circle of friends. I haven't even got a quadrant.

MATT:
How about your photo? You can make that count.

JOHNNO:
But I'm just a bit too bald and just a bit too fat.

MATT:
And just a bit too optimistic. You're a bloated slaphead. But nothing a bit of Photoshop can't sort out!

JOHNNO:
But I want to be honest.

MATT:
Some judicious cropping then. Cropping is the most honest form of photographic lies. Fat? Crop as close as you can. Bald? Slice the top off the head. All the newspaper writers do it at the top of their columns.

JOHNNO:
Some of them could do with slicing a bit lower.

MATT:
Here, grab some paper and work on the words - I'll get cropping for you.

F/X: MOUSE CLICKS.

GRAMS: "THE GALLERY" MUSIC FROM "VISION ON" (OR "TAKE HART" IF YOU PREFER).

MATT:
There you go. What do you reckon?

JOHNNO:
You've certainly cropped it. You've only left a pixel.

MATT:
It's at least four pixels.

JOHNNO:
It seems to be part of the mole on my nose.

MATT:
It's your best bit. Accentuate the positive! Now, how have you got on with the words?

JOHNNOCLEARS THROAT)
Attractive male --

MATT COUGHS.

JOHNNO:
Attractive male WLTM similar female for relationship. I asked my friends to describe me and this is what they said.

PAUSE.

MATT:
Go on.

JOHNNO:
That's as far as I've got.

MATT:
Maybe it's a bit soon to be getting back on the bike, Johnno. At least without stabilisers.

END

INT. OFFICE. BILL GATES IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY A JOURNALIST.

JOURNALIST:
Okaaay... Innovation is vitally important in the IT industry, can you take me through the ideas process Bill?

BILL GATES:
Hey, you can call me Mr. Gates.

JOURNALIST:
Sure thing Mr. Gates.

BILL GATES:
Yeah, new concepts pop up daily. I'd considered creating an Operating System for women whose husbands had died and branding it as Widows 2000.

JOURNALIST:
Well, there's a lot of women around with dead husbands, are you going to roll with that one Mr. Gates?

BILL GATES:
No, I changed my mind. Man, my mind is a menagerie of musings. Just last week I bought an ice-cream van that displayed my moniker, Mister Microsoftee.

JOURNALIST:
Sounds like a money-spinner.

BILL GATES:
Yeah, I guess it could make hundreds and thousands.

JOURNALIST:
What of the future, any thoughts on retiring?

BILL GATES:
I'll retire when I'm dead. My dream is to harness natural power sources. I'm developing the world's first wind-powered laptop.

BILL LIFTS UP A LAPTOP AND SFX: BREAKS WIND.

BILL GATES:
You simply attach a tube from your ass to this prototype as I will now demonstrate.

BILL GATES PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND UNDERPANTS AND CONNECTS A TUBE FROM HIS ASS TO THE BACK OF THE LAPTOP.

BILL GATES:
Obviously, for optimum performance, consistent flatulence is paramount.

JOURNALIST:
No shit.

BILL GATES:
Oh, totally.

JOURNALIST:
It's something else, I'll give you that.

BILL GATES:
Yep, I think I'm gonna hit pay dirt with this badboy. It's the last word in F.I.

JOURNALIST:
F.I.?... I'm puzzled?

BILL GATES:
Fartificial Intelligence.

MICHAEL KNIGHT IS DRIVING IN HIS CAR K.I.T.T.

Michael:
We don't have much time Kitt we need to get to the harbour before that boat sets sail.

Kitt:
Of Course Michael... All you need to do is purchase the Turn Left Application.

Michael:
Turn Left Application?

Kitt:
Yes Michael, I've decided to call all my skills applications now, and charge you a dollar to download each of them.

Michael:
What the hell is going on Kitt? You mean I've got to give you a dollar just for you to drive somewhere.

Kitt:
That is correct Michael, unless you need to turn right in which case it will be two dollars.

Michael:
Kitt Do you know how much money I can carry in these tight Jeans, It's not a lot let me tell ya.

Kitt:
American Express is fine Michael just pop it in my credit socket

Michael:
Why do I have to pay for everything all of a sudden?

Kitt:
Not everything Michael, I do have some free applications,such as the Staring out of the Window Application or the Letting Criminals Escape Application

Michael:
I oughta just turn you off right now & drive this you myself

Kitt:
I don't think that would be wise Michael, You are quite intoxicated after all

Michael:
Damn your computerised logic & mini bar. Ok take my card & let's go & get those Bad guys

Kitt:
I'll wake you up when we get to the burger place Michael.

SON:I've got rid of all the viruses and cleared the Internet History

MOTHER:Thanks Son, I have no idea how the pc gets so infected.

SON:I think Dad might. How are things between you two?

MOTHERh you know darling, same old.

SON:Is that why he's been searching for 'Big and Bouncy for hire'?

MOTHER:That was me, we needed an Inflatable Castle for the Church Fete.

SON:I hate how you always protect him, he's been looking at 'Chinese Bare and Legal'.

MOTHER:No that was me again, the W.I. were adopting a Panda cub.

SONo I guess you were looking for a recipe for 'Big Black Cocks' ?

MOTHER:No that'll have been your Dad.

A nice crop again. I really liked Ishy and Badge's but I'm casting my vote for Angie.

Angie

Ishy for me.

My vote goes for the NAO report on NHS e-records, but failing that, sootyj.

I vote Timbo

Ishy and scratchyr were both good and Nil's made me laugh too but the vote goes to Angie.

It's Ishy for me.

Some really good ones this week but going for Angie

Timbo

Timbo.

Between Ishy and Angie for me. Hmmm, I'll give it to Ishy for the word 'voiding'... I liked most of the entries this week though.