Victorian Comedy

I tried writng a script for a bet ages ago after someone said I couldn't write anything better than you rang m'lord. It was about a Victorian family which I thought would be good comedy material with all the eccentricities and views of Victorian times. I believe it has been done on radio since but I seriuosly wrote this years ago. Someone read it and said I should send it in somewhere. I have no writing experience whatsoever but seeing the utter s**t that passes for comedy most of the time didn't think that would matter. Id there anywhere I could post this document to?

Let me know.

Critique.

Thanks Marc. Appreciated. Want to read it?

Quote: Suicidalsid @ May 16 2011, 1:49 PM BST

Thanks Marc. Appreciated. Want to read it?

View original

Sorry Sid I am a bit busy at the mo, maybe put the first scene or two in critique and I am sure some people will comment. Have a thick skin ready though. One man's utter shit for example is another man's comedy gold. It kinda works both ways. Good luck with it.

Will do. It concerns a Victorian family called the Largeflaps.

First two scenes below. First episode based loosley on OWs An Ideal Husband.

A Victorian Comedy

EP1 - An Ideal Husband.

SCENE 1. INT.. A VICTORIAN DINING ROOM - MORNING

A LONG DINING TABLE IS SET FOR BREAKFAST. A MAID IS BUSYING HERSELF BRINGING FRESH FOOD TO THE TABLE IN SILVERWARE. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE A MAN IN TYPICAL WEALTHY VICTORIAN ATTIRE IS SEATED STARING IN AWE AT A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

Sir ARTHUR LARGEFLAPS: (ROARING)

What the, I can't (STAMMER) in heavens name what is the world coming to? Madness, complete and utter madness!

ARTHUR SCRUNCHES UP THE PAPER IN HIS LEFT HAND AND IS CLEARLY LEFT RED FACED.

A LADY ENTERS THE ROOM BRISKLY. SHE IS DRESSED VERY SMARTLY IN CREAM DRESS AND PROCECEEDS TO SIT DOWN NEXT TO ARTHUR.

GLADYS LARGEFLAPS:

Oh Arthur what is it now? Every Monday morning it's the same story. You pick up your paper and no sooner have you got past the first headline then it's 'What's the world coming to and I don't believe it, they can't be serious' anyone would think the world was coming to an end. I don't know why Walter even bothers to iron it for you.

THE MAID, EMILY, VISABLY SHAKEN BY HIS OUTBURST AND STILL TREMBLING LOOKS AT ARTHUR

EMILY

Shall I see to that for you sir?

ARTHUR HANDS THE NOW CRUMPLED NEWSPAPAER TO HER.

ARTHUR

Thank you Emily. (TO GLADYS). My dear, do you know what has happened this morning.

GLADYS LOOKS BLANKLY AT HIM FOR A SECOND

ARTHUR

No, of course you don't. And why? Because you are a woman and as such have neither the desire nor the ability to comprehend the intricacies of political life and their impact upon this great nation of ours.

GLADYS

Then please darling, would you be kind enough to enlighten me with your worldly wisdom and explain to a mere woman just what has happened this morning to make your face appear as if you've just washed with a packet of cooks extra heavy duty pot scrubbing powder.

ARTHUR

My dear this great nation of ours has decided, in its wisdom, that we are to allow even more ignorant, immoral, poor, uneducated, filthy, hovel living, breeding like rabbits oinks to vote! I warned you, I warned you. That bloody Reform Act would be the death of this country. The thin end of the wedge.

GLADYS

Well I for one am pleased. I think it's right that everyone should be able to vote for who they want running the country.

ARTHUR

And that is the reason why, thank god, women can not and never will be able to vote. The thought of it (PAUSE). Women voting. It would be the end of civilisation as we know it. An end to everything that makes this nation great. Cricket, steam engines, imperial wars. A world I, nor I wager, most other decent people would want to live in.

A YOUNG BOY AROUND 11 YEARS OLD ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. HE IS FIDGETING WITH HIS STIFF COLLAR.

ARTHUR

Ah, morning Edward.

EDWARD

Good morning father. Mother this collar is hurting me. It's so tight and uncomfortable. Can't I please loosen it a little?

ARTHUR

Certainly not! Where do you think you are the Sudan! In this house we dress correctly for breakfast. Uncomfortable collar indeed. I think it's about time I spent a little father and son time with you Edward. It would seem that you need reminding of the conduct expected from a Largeflaps. Uncomfortable indeed! Hear that Mother. Thin end of the wedge. It'll be washing in warm water next and then who knows. It's a short step from comfortable collars to the love that dare not speak its name.

EDWARD

What names that father? Is that the same name as you keep speaking about around Uncle Oscar?

ARTHUR

Quiet child and eat your breakfast.

EDWARD

I don't think I can swallow.

GLADYS

I think he's having trouble breathing father.

ARTHUR

Oh for goodness sake. Fine, fine. If you must remove your collar take your plate into the drawing room and eat in there. When one eats at table in this house one should be attired accordingly.

EDWARD TAKES HIS PLATE AND LEAVES THE ROOM STILL FIDGETING WITH HIS COLLAR.

GLADYS

I wonder what's happened to Anne? She's normally first up for breakfast. I hope she's alright.

AT THAT MOMENT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL ENTERS THE ROOM DRESSED IMMACULALEY BUT YAWNING.

ANNE

Good morning mother, good morning father.

ARTHUR

And pray what time of the day do you call this to stumble in for breakfast.

ANNE

Father it's 6:00 am. If I'd got down here any earlier it wouldn't have been worth going to bed.

GLADYS

Please tell me all about your evening with that delightful young man Charles. He really is awfully handsome. Where did you go?

ANNE

Oh mother we had a wonderful time. First we took a long stroll in the park and then we went back for an exquisite dinner at Charles' parents. And after that Charles very kindly walked me home.

GLADYS

And what else...

ANNE

Well I did kiss him on the cock.

GLADYS

What!

ANNE

On top of Cock Hill in the park. Now don't get getting any ideas mother. It's far too early to be hearing wedding bells, I know what you're like. Charles and I are just good friends. (PAUSE) Although his is very handsome isn't he.

GLADYS

Did you hear that father?

ARTHUR HAS BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO THE CONVERSATION AND IS STILL STARING INTENTLY INTO WHAT IS LEFT OF HIS NEWSPAPER.

ARTHUR

What?

GLADYS

Anne kissed Charles on the cock last night.

ARTHUR

What! Where?

ANNE

In the park.

ARTHUR

What, I, I (STAMMERING), ...

ANNE

Father don't get flustered it was just a very nice peck on the cheek on Cock Hill in the park. No tongues.(GIGGLES)

FATHER

Oh I see, (RELIEVED). Outrageous. I shall be having words with Charles' father when I see him next. Disgraceful behaviour. I've never been comfortable with that family. Something never did smell right with them.

GLADYS

Don't talk nonsense. Ernest and Elizabeth are lovely people. You even play bridge with Ernest.

ARTHUR

Yes I will be having stern words with Sir Ernest Sweaty the next time I see him.

GLADYS

Well you mind not to go upsetting them dear. There may be a time in the not too distant future that our two families may become joined.

ARTHUR

Oh is that so. And don't I have a say in this? After all I'm only the head of this family. Ann is only my eldest and for that matter only daughter and I'll take some convincing to accept that a joining of the Sweaty and Largeflaps families is acceptable. Somehow something just doesn't feel right about it.

A BUTLER ENTERS A ROOM WITH A SILVER TRAY WITH A LETTER ON IT.

ARTHUR

Ah, morning Walter.

WALTER

Good morning sir. This arrived for you this morning.

ARTHUR TAKES THE LETTER AND EXAMINES IT. HIS FACE BEGINS TO CHANGE TO A LOOK OF HORROR.

GLADYS

What is it Arthur is everything alright?

ARTHUR

(FLUSTERED) Yes dear perfectly fine just a note from work. Nothing to worry about. Walter when did this arrive?

WALTER

First thing this morning sir.

ARTHUR

There is no postage stamp on this so it must have been delivered by hand. Did you see by whom?

WALTER

I'm sorry Sir I didn't . It was pushed under the door. Shall I ask the staff if anyone saw anything?

ARTHUR

(TRYING TO SOUND NONCHALONT) Oh no don't bother it's not important. Oh dear me look at the time I'll be late for work.

GLADYS

But you've got ages yet.

ARTHUR

Ah, normally yes, but meetings this morning. Very busy. Lots of papers to sign. Walter my hat and coat!

ARTHUR RISES FROM THE TABLE AND TAKES HIS HAT AND COAT FROM WALTER AND DASHES OUT OF THE ROOM.

ARTHUR

Goodbye everyone. I may be a little late this evening.

GLADYS AND ANNE ARE LEFT STARING IN SILENCE AT THE OPEN DOOR THROUGH WHICH ARTHUR HAS JUST DEPARTED.

GLADYS

Extraordinary! I wonder what's the matter with father this morning. He hasn't left for work that quickly since he found out your great aunt Agnes was coming to stay for a month.

ANNE

(VERY DISSMISSIVE.) Oh there's probably some flap at the ministry. Someone forgot to iron the post or something.

GLADYS

Walter, tell Edward that he can come back and eat at the table.

WALTER

Very well mam.

WALTER EXITS ROOM

ANNE

Is Aunt Agnes still coming to stay mother?

GLADYS

Yes I received a letter from her yesterday. I do hope her and your father get on better than before. The last time she stayed your father compared her to living with a talking turd. They don't get on. But, you know how bitter your father was when your grandmother died and she moved in with your grandfather. Two of kind your father always said. Ideally suited, made for each other. Like rats and plague. Didn't help your grandfather leaving everything in his will to her.

ANNE

Does he know she's coming?

GLADYS

No, not yet. I was hoping to tell him this morning but he left so abruptly. I do hope he can be civil.

WALTER REAPPEARS IN THE ROOM

WALTER

Unfortunately Master Edward will not be available for breakfast with you both as he is feeling unwell.

ANNE

Whatever is the matter with him?

WALTER

(PULLING A FACE WITH ONE FINGER PULLING INSDIE HIS COLLAR)He's unconscious.

ANNE AND GLADYS RUSH FROM THE TABLE AND OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING EDWARD.

SCENE 2. INT.. AN OFFICE IN WHITEHALL

Sir ARTHUR IS SITTING AT A DESK STARING INTENTLY AT THE NOTE HE RECEIVED THIS MORNING. HE IS CLEARLY DISTURBED BY ITS CONTENTS. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

ARTHUR.

Enter!

A WEASLY MAN WITH A BEARD DREESED AS A CLERK ENTERS.

ARTHUR

Ah, Branson. What can I do for you?

BRANSON

The minister needs you to look at these papers immediately Sir Arthur.

ARTHUR

Did he say why the urgency?

BRANSON

No, just pushed these into my hand and waffled something about them not being his responsibility and getting that lazy fat arse, whale to take care of them.

ARTHUR

Yes, yes alright Branson you may go. And find out where Thorp is and get him in here on the double.

BRANSON

Certainly sir.

THORP, A YOUNG SHEEPISH MAN ENTERS THE ROOM.

THORP

Good morning Sir Arthur

ARTHUR

Ah yes. Thorp. Good Morning. Shut the door and have a seat.

THORP SHUTS THE DOOR AND SITS DOWN IN FRONT OF ARTHUR WHO IS STARING INTENTLY AT THE LETTER.

THORP

Is everything alright sir?

ARTHUR

Thorp, How long have you and I known each other?

THORP

Best part of 20 years Sir, man and boy.

ARTHUR

Gracious, is it that long. It only seems five minutes since you arrived here. Starry eyed and completely in awe of our great capital. Still that's not surprising since you came from that backward little place. What was it called?

THORP

Cornwall sir.

ARTHUR

Ah yes. Cornwall. Well anyway suffice to say you are one the very few people whom I can truly trust Thorp. Trust to keep something to himself that is.

THORP

Of course Sir Arthur

ARTHUR

You see Thorp. (FIDGETING IN HIS CHAIR). I have a problem. A very sensitive, very delicate problem.

THORP

Has the anal fistulae returned sir?

ARTHUR

Good God no. No. No. That's been cleared up months. Thanks in no small part to that lovely cream your aunt from Devon sent. You must thank her for me.

THORP

What Cream?

ARTHUR

The cream you got from your aunt. I saw some on your desk with the note attached. "To Tristan, some of my special cream for your little red piles". I didn't want to embarrass you. Didn't know you suffered...you know...down there... as well.

THORP

I don't!

ARTHUR

(LOOKING PUZZELED). What?

THORP

I don't suffer...down below. Is this the note here?

THORP PICKS UP A SMALL CARD FROM THE DESK. AND BEGINS TO READ ALOUD.

THORP
"To Tristan, some of my special cream for those little red piles"

HE THEN TURNS CARD OVER AND CONTINUES READING

"..of strawberries I know you like. Love Aunt Poly." It was meant for the strawberries she sent the week earlier. She makes it herself.

ARTHUR

What?

THORP

Clotted cream

ARTHUR

You mean that was clotted cream

THORP

Yes

ARTHUR

(HIS FACE GOES FROM CONFUSED TO EMBARASSED TO ANGER TO EVENTUALLY ONE OF RESEGNATION)

Well that explains the wasps. Anyway enough. No my other problem has not returned but something else has and potentially far more painful. I received this note this morning pushed under the front door of the house. No one saw who delivered it.

ARTHUR HANDS THE NOTE TO THORP WHO BEGINS TO READ IT ALOUND

THORP

"To Sir Arthur Largeflaps. I have come into possession of information which I believe to be potentially extremely embarrassing to your family name. It concerns an event involving your late father and certain financial discrepancies involving Crown funds. I am at a loss at how to proceed with this information and would suggest a meeting with you tonight at 8:00 p.m. in The Pig and Truffle public house in Whitechapel so that we may discuss how to proceed. Come alone.

ARTHUR

Well. What do you think?

THORP

Well I think it's a thinly disguised attempt at blackmail.

ARTHUR

Good God even I know that you ignoramus. Is doesn't take Sherlock "bloody" Holmes to figure that one out. I know it's a blackmail letter. But what do you think I should do?

THORP

Ignore it! It's a hoax. A cheap attempt to try and extract money by slurring you family's good name. There can't be any truth in it. (PAUSE) Can there?

ARTHUR
(BEING VERY GUARDED)
You never knew my father did you Thorp. He was complex character. Giant of a man. Violent drunk, gambler, philanderer, anti abolitionist but a well respected member of the Treasury. There was a rumour long ago about a very, well lets just say, complex financial arrangement with the East India company regarding the building of a bridge just north of Calcutta. My father was responsible for controlling financing for the building and gave the contract including a substantial amount of money in advances to a friend's company. Not long after the company supposedly went bust, the money lost and the company owners disappeared with not a single piece of bridge in sight. It was all hushed up at the time and no proof was ever found to indicate my father was complicit but rumours persisted that my father was involved somehow. He kept his job but it took years for the stain to finally fade. If this toad has found something, some proof, that my father was involved I'll be ruined. The name Largeflaps will be dirty word in society circles.

ARTHUR PAUSES THINKING HARD

There's only one solution. I must go and see him tonight and find out what he has, or thinks he has, to make sure. And Thorp you're coming with me.

THORP

Me? Why me?

ARTHUR

Because my dear boy how long do you think you're high flying career will last if it's revealed your only sponsor within the ministry comes from a family of thieves and embezzlers?

THORP

I'll get my coat.

THEY BOTH PUT ON COATS AND RUSH OUT OF THE DOOR.

Not sure if I'm missing the point, but your history seems to be a bit off here. If this is a Victorian piece, you can't have a character taking umbrage at a broadsheet news report about women being granted the right to vote. It wasn't until 1918 that the Qualification of Women Act was passed (and even then, for women over 30).

He's talking about working classes getting the vote and says at least it is not women, if I remember correctly.

I quite liked it

However quite a few things 'jangled'

Spelling for one. You must run it through a spell check.

And, there are quite a few incongruities with The main characters speech. 'A talking turd' for one. He comes across as the stern victorian father - those words and a few other s are not right.

Timings are a little odd too. Everything seems to have happened at the stroke of 6:00 am

Quote: Marc P @ May 16 2011, 3:01 PM BST

He's talking about working classes getting the vote and says at least it is not women, if I remember correctly.

View original

Whoops, so he is. My bad.

Yep you're right about spelling. Not sure about timings thing. As said I have never done anything like this and even I think it's poor in parts but it was a first stab. I'll post another scenes. If it makes one person chuckle I'm happy! Thanks for reading and posting your thoughts. All the best.

SCENE 3: A FOGGY DARK EAST END STREET

ARTHUR AND THORP ARE CLIMBING OUT OF A HORSE DRAWN CAB. THE STREET LOOKS EXTREMLY ROUGH AND IS SCATTERD WITH AN ARRAY OF VERY DODGY LOOKING CHARACTERS. THEY PAY THE CAB DRIVER AND START TO WALK GINGERLY DOWN THE STREET. A VERY ROUGH LOOKING WOMAN APPROACHES ARTHUR. SHE IS OBVIOUSLY A PROSTITUTE.

PROSTITUTE

Oh look what we got ere. Don't see many of your like down ere. Fancy a bit of rough do ya? Go on, only a guinea.

ARTHUR

Madam, unless you are attempting to sell me the world's most expensive sand paper I suggest you be on your way.

PROSTITUTE

All right keep your hair on. Are you sure? I do things your wife don't.

ARTHUR

I'm sure you do. Varnishing your teeth perhaps, or drinking a gallon of gin and urinating in public. But still not tempted now be on you way.

THEY PROCEED DOWN THE STREET UNTIL THEY COME TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE PIG AND TRUFFLE.

Right Follow me in 2 minutes and watch my back but keep a low profile.

THORP NODS AND ARTHUR ENTERS THE PUB.

SCENE 4: THE PUB IS CRAMMED AND SMOKEY. THE CLIENTEL IS VERY ROUGH. ARTHUR SPOTS A SMALL ALCOVE WITH A SEAT AND MAKES FOR IT AND SITS DOWN. SOMEONE IS SITTING OPOSITE WHOSE FACE IS OBSCURED BEHIND A NEWSPAPER. A VERY FAT AND WARTY LANDLADY APPEARS QUICKLY.

LANDLADY

Don't see many of your lot in ere.

ARTHUR LOOKING HER UP AND DOWN

ARTHUR

And where pray is the truffle?

LANDLADY

What?

ARTHUR

Never mind.

LANDLADY

What can I get you?

ARTHUR

Well what ridiculously named real ales do you have today?

LANDLADY

Well we've got Badger's tackle, Weasel's Scrote, Smelly Muff or Landlord's Piss.

ARTHUR

And what do you recommend?

LANDLADY

Don't ask me they all taste like Landlord's Piss to me.

ARTHUR

And what's that like.

LANDLADY

It depends.

ARTHUR

On what?

LANDLADY

On whether he's been eating asparagus.

ARTHUR

On second thoughts I'll just have a large brandy.

THE LANDLADY WALKS OFF AT WHICH POINT A VOICE FROM BEHIND THE NEWSPAPER SPEAKS

Voice

Brandy is for heroes Sir Arthur and I venture you have someway to go before you can be called that.

THE MAN PUTS DOWN HIS NEWSPAPER. HE IS YOUNG, SMART AND LOOKS SMARMY

ARTHUR

Who the devil are you? Did you send the letter?

HENDERSON

Calm down Sir Arthur you'll draw attention. Well taking your questions in order let's say you can call me Henderson and yes I did send the letter.

ARTHUR

And what is this information you "think" you have.

HENDERSEN

Oh I don't just think, I have come into possession of a letter written by your father concerning government funds transferred to a Peel Construction in relation to the building of a bridge in Calcutta.

ARTHUR IS LOOKING EXTREMELY TENSE. HENDERSEN REACHES INSIDE HIS POCKET PULLING OUT AN ENVELOPE. HE TAKES A LETTER OUT AND BEGINS TO READ ALOUD.

Perhaps if I read this to you it will make things a little clearer. "Dear George, Received your note this morning. Need to talk soon. I expect bridge money paid to me by end of the week as we agreed. £1000 then our dealings will come to an end. Needless to say confidentiality is essential. Yours Benjamin", signed Sir Benjamin Largeflaps. It was addressed to George Peel. The same George Peel of Peel construction. The same company awarded a substantial amount of government funds to build a bridge in Calcutta that never got built and the same George Peel that disappeared shortly after. This letter would seem to imply that a high ranking Treasury official, namely your father, was in receipt of monies from the owner of a company that scammed her majesty's government. Now I'm not one for pointing fingers but it does seem that your father 'was' heavily involved in the Calcutta bridge fiasco. As you can see it's in your fathers own hand and even on his private note paper.

HENDERSON TURNS THE LETTER AROUND SHOWING ARTHUR BUT STILL HOLDING IT.

The problem I have is this Sir Arthur. What should I do with this letter? I mean if it should get into the wrong hands and God forbid be published even! I can see the front page headline of the Times now, "Largeflaps Exposed". Doesn't bear thinking about does it. Oh and don't bother thinking about taking this letter by force after I leave here. I have a number of, acquaintances let's say, that are very kindly keeping an eye out for me.

ARTHUR LOOKS AROUND TO FIND TWO VERY SHADY HEAVY SET MEN STARING IN HIS DIRECTION

ARTHUR

How much?

HENDERSON

3000

ARTHUR

What! You can't be serious. I don't have that sort of money to hand.

HENDERSON

Oh come, come Sir Arthur you're not short of a guinea or two. Did I mention that's 3000 guineas. Anyway it's irrelevant. I'll meet you back here same time tomorrow night, have the money ready. I'll then hand over the letter. If you're not here then I suggest you start drafting that resignation letter and introducing yourself to a different, social network shall we say. Good evening!

HENDERSON GETS UP AND LEAVES. THE LANDLADY RETURNS WITH ARTHUR'S BRANDY. SHE PLACES IT IN FRONT OF HIM. HE PICKS IT UP AND DOWNS IT IN ONE LOOKING SHAKEN.

LANDLADY

That'll be 1 shilling.

ARTHUR PAYS THE LANDLADY. THORP APPEARS FROM THE NEXT ALCOVE HE HAS BEEN LISTENING ALL ALONG.

THORP

Well do you think it's genuine?

ARTHUR

Who knows? It looked genuine enough to me. It looks like his hand and it's on his own private note paper. 3000 Guineas I don't have that sort of money, I'm ruined, ruined!

THORP

What are you going to do?

ARTHUR

The only thing a decent, honourable, upstanding gentleman can do at a time like this.

THORP

And what's that?

ARTHUR

Confess all to his wife and hope she can think of something!