A COUPLE IN VICTORIAN TYPE DRESS ARE WALKING THROUGH A PARK AT NIGHT
Emily:
Are you sure it's wise to walk through this mysterious park at such a late hour Peregrine?
Peregrine:
Emily my Dearest, I hope you aren't afraid of creatures of the night (THEATRICAL LAUGH)
Emily:
I wouldn't normally be! But you would have to agree that this is a rather Common part of town.
Peregrine:
Which is why we shouldn't spend a second more than is necessary, come my darling let us take this dark, probably perilous shortcut through these trees.
SUDDENLY A CLOAKED FIGURE APPEARS FROM THE DARKNESS - EMILY SCREAMS
THE CLOAK COMES OPENS TO REVEAL A VERY SCRUFFY DIRTY BLACK SUIT.
Emily:
Oh my God what is that awful smell.. what is that thing!
Peregrine:
Get back Emily! It's a... (DRAMATIC MUSIC) .it's a Trampire!
Emily:
Dossferatu!
Trampire:
Have you got a pound for a cup of tea. My old friend mate.
Peregrine:
Don't give him anything he'll only spend it on blood
Trampire:
I did have a dog but I ate it
Emily:
I can't take my eyes away from his urine stained trousers
Peregrine:
Don't look directly into his hypnotic string belted lower garments. Quick if you ignore him he won't harm you. Just don't let him breathe on your neck
THEY HURRY AWAY
Emily:
I knew we shouldn't have come this way, you don't get homeless supernatural beings in Kensington
Peregrine:
Wait can you hear that Shh!
THERE IS A LOW GROWLY RUMBLING VOICE GETTING LOUDER
Emily:
What is it?
Peregrine:
I can't be sure but... oh my Heavens it's a full moon
THE VOICE CAN NOW BE HEARD TO BE MUMBLING & CURSING
Peregrine:
Cover your ears my dear It's a...(DRAMATIC MUSIC) .. it's a SwearWolf!
Emily:
But they're just a myth, a made up story
Swearwolf:
WaddyaFarkinmean made up you f**king silly bitch Awooooooooh I'll F**king shove that Silver spoon up your arsehole!
Peregrine:
He's bluffing my dear. Everyone knows that the Swearwolf cannot survive the touch of Silver... or indeed cutlery.. Quick let us make haste
AS THEY RUN A STREAM OF EXPLETIVES GETS QUIETER & QUIETER.
THEN THEY STOP TO CATCH THEIR BREATH
Emily:
Listen to me Peregrine! I am not averse to being mutilated or murdered by a monster with a bit of breeding but I am most certainly not going to succumb to a creature that lives on a council estate and smokes roll ups.
Peregrine:
Well then I think we should start running again
WE HEAR A GROAN AND SEE A FIGURE WRAPPED IN BANDAGES PUSHING A PRAM
Peregrine:
It's a... (DRAMATIC MUSIC) It's a Single Mummy!
Emily:
Oh well that's just going too far!
She's got Tattoos on her bandages for heavens' sake! Will this smelly peasant terror ever end
Peregrine:
Don't worry she seems to have another bundle on the way! She won't be able to move very fast
SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOW SINISTER VOICE FROM BEHIND
VOICE:
Perhaps it is time that you both came with me.
WE SEE A BONY FINGER BECKONING
EMILY:
Who are you, and have you never heard of the rule of three?
Peregrine:
That my dear, I do believe, is death it's very self.
Emily:
The Grim reaper?
Reaper:
How dare you Madame, I happen to be the Posh Reaper
Emily:
Oh thank heavens.
Peregrine:
Of course look at the angle of his nose socket
Emily:
And those robes, how elegant!
Reaper:
If you wouldn't mind just wiping your feet before entering the carriage.
Peregrine:
Now that is just the class of terror we've been brought up to appreciate
THEY CLIMB INTO THE CARRIAGE
Emily:
So Mr Reaper, what do you do for a living?
