Would these work in a stand-up routine??

Hi here are some jokes I've been writing as I'm looking at trying my hand at stand up. Please let me knowe what you think!!

Before you ask, I'm not an extra from planet of the apes, I haven't escaped from the zoo and my shift at the kebab shop doesn't start for another hour.

I went to the local off-license recently, and said I'd like to by some alcohol please. "wine?" asked the assistant. (whining) I'd like to buy some alcohol!!

In my spare time I like to box... cardboard that is.

Jay Z has recently joined the scouts... He's got 99 problems but a hitch ain't one.

I was eating a Yorkie this morning... the fur kept getting in my teeth though.

I went to the bakers the other day and the guy behind the counter was balancing on some bread.. I thought "he's on a roll".

I recently started a slimming class and lost four pounds in the first week... that was just the joining fee!!

I lost my son in a nasty kitchen accident... he was only a flash in the pan.

I went to the local café recently and said "I'd like to buy a coffee please". "Mocha" asked the guy behind the counter. I said "she's fat, ugly and stinks, now give me a coffee".

I was asking my friend about comedy as I wasn't sure where to start. He said "you need to get some good material". I tell you those silk sheets have done nothing for me.

most of these are excelent you seem to have good joke structures and if you can find a buyer you could sell them

and they'd make an audience laugh

maybe some neatening

eg mocha gag, you need a woman in it

so I took my girlfriend to starbucks...

or the bakers start off with on the first 2 days he's balancing on donuts and on the 3rd day he's on a roll

but yeh good stuff new at this lark?

Yes I'm very new to this. I've been toying with the idea for a while, as they do an open spot in the comedy club near me but, it's getting over that hurdle. I've got quite a few more so I'll put them up as well.

Thanks for the comments as it would work better with a woman and also telling the bakers joke that way would also work better.

How do you sell jokes??

Thanks, SootyJ

with great difficulty!

Seriously write to standups or try some sketch shows like newsrevue, best advice poke around the threads on the site

I say go for the open mic, your jokes are pretty good

just make sure you get a persona and maybe a couple of longer jokes

Thanks for the feedback I'm definitely going to give it a go I'll put a few more jokes on here and maybe a video when I've got a routine together it's five minutes for the set at the comedy club near me so even if I crash and burn it won't be too long to endure.

When you say persona, what do you mean exactly I would say I'm a bit, deadpan/monotone so do you think I would need to change that for these jokes to work??

Many thanks for your comments Sootyj, watch this space.

Jason.

Some nice gags but the problem with writing one-liners is that often someone else has got there first e.g Tim Vine does a "wine/whine" joke and I've done a similar "Ate a Yorkie today, last time I'll get invited to Crufts" as well as a version of the "mocha" one.

You've definitely got the comedic eye though so keep writing, writing, writing and then rehearse and gig as much as you can.

As for persona, one-liners can work for many different styles, deadpan works for some where as others adopt a cheesy entertainer persona (Tim Vine is the most notable of these) and others a slightly more detached surreal air (Milton Jones and Emo Philips).

Good luck with it.

yep any good joke some one else got there first

it's why building larger more personal stories can help

also nothing but one liners can wear the audience out

Quote: Jason Simmons @ May 14 2011, 8:41 AM BST

Before you ask, I'm not an extra from planet of the apes, I haven't escaped from the zoo and my shift at the kebab shop doesn't start for another hour.

Didnt get that one

I recently started a slimming class and lost four pounds in the first week... that was just the joining fee!!

One I liked best

View original

The others seemed similar to others Ive heard, butthat's because the same ideas have been done and are prob out there in one form or the other, not a reflection on your ideas.

Hi thanks for the feedback, I'll try and expand on a couple of the jokes and I'll add some more. As for the joke about planet of the apes, kebab shop I'm very hairy so could work well perhaps with the visual aid of the hair.

I'm also slightly overweight so was thinking of expanding the fat jokes maybe adding things like:

I lost everything due to my food addiction.. Now it's all I've gut left (patting stomach) Or

In the class they said you could boost your weight loss by exercising... I've got rid of 5 ghosts and I'm still not any slimmer.

It's quite difficult trying to stay original because, without realising it you're similar to someone else but, I suppose you've got to put a personal touch to them. I'll put some more material on here shortly but, thanks for the feedback.

Hi Jason, I loved the exercising Joke. Excellent. If you can get more of that quality id say great. The others were filler at best mate. But if you can write a one that good then... But hey WTF do I know. (Or anybody for the matter.) I mean you rang Mlord and 2 packets of crips got took up by the BBC so its all about taste I supppose!

Hi suicidalsid, thanks for that I'm working on it at the moment. It's funny though as I tried thAt joke on a couple of friends and they said that it was too difficult to understand!! Maybe that says more about the intellect levels of my friends, as I thought it was one of my better jokes!!

Thanks for your feedback!!

Jason

I liked most of them, one liners are a difficulty because as peole have already said, you can only do so much with a subject and one line. I like fat jokes being on the chunky side myself, my favortie one was,

"Yes im fat but it's not my fault, I have a hungry thyroid"

Quote: Batleywriter @ May 19 2011, 1:23 AM BST

"Yes im fat but it's not my fault, I have a hungry thyroid"

View original

Reminds me of when Peter Cook was on a Clive James chat show and informed that Liz Taylor had attributed her excessive weight to a glandular problem: "Poor woman. There she is, in her suite in the Dorchester, harmlessly watching television. Suddenly her glands pick up the phone and order two dozen éclairs and a bottle of brandy. 'No,' she screams, 'please, I beg you!' but her glands take no notice. Determined glands they are, her glands. You've never known glands like them. The trolley arrives and Elizabeth Taylor hides in the bathroom, but her glands, her glands take the éclairs, smash down the door and stuff them down her throat. I'm glad I haven't got glands like that. Terrible glands."

Quote: Jason Simmons @ May 14 2011, 8:41 AM BST

I went to the local off-license recently, and said I'd like to by some alcohol please. "wine?" asked the assistant. (whining) I'd like to buy some alcohol!!

I went to the bakers the other day and the guy behind the counter was balancing on some bread.. I thought "he's on a roll".

I recently started a slimming class and lost four pounds in the first week... that was just the joining fee!!

I was asking my friend about comedy as I wasn't sure where to start. He said "you need to get some good material". I tell you those silk sheets have done nothing for me.

View original

I can see those working, good job!

Quote: Jason Simmons @ May 14 2011, 8:41 AM BST

I was asking my friend about comedy as I wasn't sure where to start. He said "you need to get some good material".

View original

^^^ This.

Some of the jokes are pretty old mate, but worded well they can work. Not sure how long the act is you are aiming to produce, I'm trying to get a selection of 'tight' 5 minute slots with related jokes. Make sure you've more than enough, but there's certainly some good foundations there.