A few jokes

I just sat down for a half an hour and came up with these few jokes. I post on twitter but don't do stand up so I never know what to do with any jokes I come up with (I have enough toilet paper, thank you!!)Any comments/ideas welcome

Bob Marley and Michael Jackson are working on an album in heaven, its going to be called One Glove

My eco friendly but slackish hubby attempted to make a pair of homemade rollerskates using some old boots,but when he tried to fit the small metal wheels he didnt have the brass balls to carry it off

What you don't want to hear when you ask your shark of a bank manager for a loan - I'll chew it over

Sign outside a Stratford Upon Avon church - Shakespeare for the Masses

When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised yet delighted when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray

Jesus, Mary, Christ, St Joseph, Judas and all the apostles - If priests are so holy, why do they swear so much?

My dog was barred from the newsagents for fouling the till after being refused change of a fifty pound note, of course it was countershit

Why can't Apple come up with a device that scrubs pots clean? Now that would be a Brillo pad

A special area at Hospital A & E departments has been reserved for all the Saturday night drunks, they've called it the Wasted Ward

The Dog in the Newsagents is my fave.

I chuckled. I liked the full Irish one the best. Some of them were a little over contrived and heading into that dangerous pun territory - like the dog one but it was PB's favourite so what do I know?

Quote: Shandonbelle @ May 11 2011, 8:03 PM BST

Bob Marley and Michael Jackson are working on an album in heaven, its going to be called One Glove

When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised yet delighted when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray

Why can't Apple come up with a device that scrubs pots clean? Now that would be a Brillo pad

View original

These were the ones I liked most, with the full Irish my favourite too.

Ok some great jokes but you need to abbreviate more and explain less.

New Bob Marley Micheal Jackson tribute album, one glove

For valentines my husband got me an Irish breakfast in bed. I was spit roasted by Eamon Holmes and Terry Wogan.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph my priest swears alot.

But good stuff and strong punchlines.

Quote: sootyj @ May 12 2011, 10:48 AM BST

Ok some great jokes but you need to abbreviate more and explain less.

View original

This.

For instance;

"When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised yet delighted when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray"

What is the purpose of the words "surprised yet delighted"? It could be edited down to be;

"When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray"

It gets to the punch that much quicker without changing the meaning of the joke.

But apart from needing some editing there's some nice ideas there, keep writing!

Quote: Tony Cowards @ May 12 2011, 12:27 PM BST

This.

For instance;

"When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised yet delighted when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray"

What is the purpose of the words "surprised yet delighted"? It could be edited down to be;

"When the waitress offered me the full Irish I was surprised when she brought Eamonn Holmes on a tray"

View original

I disagree the first version adds personality to the mix, rather than a joke anyone can tell. Plus it has a better rhythm I think. 3 is better than 2 usually in structuring things.

In which case it becomes more of a narrative/stand up gag nothing wrong with that. But needs more loading at the back and quicker at the front.

The only one I liked was the Priest swearing one. The others were very poor indeed - if you are writing for stand up though the delivery may make them funnier.

Do you do a lot of stand up yourself LL?

I'm sorry - did I upset you by being mean?

Vewwy vewwy sowwy - everyone is brilliant.

(I am an expert on stand up)

No I was just wondering if you ever did stand up?

Yes.

Quote: Marc P @ May 12 2011, 1:44 PM BST

No I was just wondering if you ever did stand up?

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Mark P she might be in a wheel chair you unpc goon!

WIsh I'd thought of that, Sooty.