Came up with these over the last few weeks, some wordplay, some downright silly, the occasional tasteless one (just for bandwagon purposes).
I'm scared of buddhism.
Think I've got zenophobia.
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What have seals and pinball machines got in common?
Both have flippers, juggle balls, make loads of noise and are a bugger to get in the back of a transit van at 3am.
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My neighbour just gave birth to Siamese twins.
I've knitted them a W-neck sweater as a gift.
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My mates a claustrophobic agoraphobic.
You can't take him anywhere!
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How can you tell if a police horse is lame?
It's hooves go 'good clop, bad clop'
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Finally some good news to come out of Japan.
It appears the recent earthquake has produced the perfect milkshake.
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I accidently posted a private message on Twitter to inspire a friend who was depressed
When I asked if he was alright, he replied "Yeah, thanks, but don't mention it"
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Been playing a game where I wind up all my ex's by not paying them any maintenance then ignore their calls.
I call it Angry Birds
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I stood in the polling office painting cre osote onto my sixpack.
An official said "Are you here to vote?"
I replied, "No, Im abstaining"
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Just watched the film 'Deliverance' again.
Made me realise something about brother/sister incest offspring.
They make shit-hot banjo players
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I recently visited France, and was telling a work colleague I travelled across the channel on a boat that floats on a pocket of air. but he wouldn't believe a word of it. Really can't abide these Hovercraft Denyers.
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Allied forces have unearthed a huge stash of lawnmowers in an underground bunker in Iraq.
They are believed to be Saddm Hussains infamous Weapons of Grass Reduction.
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I knew our family was messed up when I said to the dog "Play dead" and it buried itself under the patio.
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There's a dwarf in our local pub who can ingest whisky through his backside.
Still doesn't understand why the nickname 'Shortarse' upsets him so much...
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My bondage dungeon has been doing a booming trade despite the credit crunch.
My mate asked if we were affected by cutbacks.
I replied that we just used softer leather & more vaseline.
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My horse lost the race by 1 particle width!
It was a photon finish
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My wife keeps doing pheasant impressions.
I thought "She's game"
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I opened a carton of drinking chocolate that had been sat in the cupboard for a few months.
I couldn't believe it when I saw inside was full of tiny tents around a miniature campfire!
I looked on the side of the label to find a phone number so I could complain when I noticed it said "Contents May Settle Over Time".
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Got a new job at a cannabis farm.
The wages aren't very high but all the staff are.
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My wifes always complaining that I keep putting my clothes in her half of the wardrobe. Her constant nagging about it really winds me up.
It's got so bad I've agreed to attend hanger management classes.
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My mum keeps nagging me to go to church with her, with no luck.
I wish she'd realise the price of lead has plummeted in recent years.
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Bollywood have remade Arthur C. Clarkes classic movie for the Muslim audience.
2001: A Spice Odyssey features the robot HALAL9000 & will be released soon.
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Roads were congested around major cities as millions of office workers mistakenly travelled in on Bank Holiday Monday.
Experts blame a commuter error.
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Just spent 4 days in hospital.
Theres nowt wrong with me, just thought I'd get my moneys worth before the huge NHS shake-up.
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Why don't most parents find cot death funny?
Have you SEEN the price of cots these days!
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My son took his first steps today!
Obviously I kept the window cleaner distracted till
he'd got 'em on the van.
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BBC3 have a new show documenting womens periods throughout the war years.
The Black & White Menstrual Show starts Monday at 9pm.
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Walking through town this morning I kept getting accosted by people in uniform, waving collection boxes at me while dribbling spit down their chins.
God I hate the Salivation Army.
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Just seen a pair of 44GG tits in Norwich. I thought the Norfolk Broads are meant to be flat?
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Anyone cooking asparagus for tea?
I've got some tips if you're interested.
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Just got back from Afghanistan.
I was in posted in the Hellman province for 3 years & didn't see 1 jar of mayonnaise!
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I've developed an uncontrollable urge to show no respect to a brand of luxury Japanese cars.
Doctors say I'm Dislexus
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I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight.
It's a doddle this security job at Ikea.
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Went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock.
Some guy was trying to wind me up all night.?
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I'm a member of a Muscular Dystrophy support group.
We meet weakly.?
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Just downloaded a platform game for my phone.
Nothing happens for 3 hours then a Virgin express flies past at 90mph.
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Not heard from my wife since she pretended to fall down the cellar stairs weeks ago.
She really drags these 'April Fool' jokes on too long.
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I cleaned my fish out last night.
Can't believe how bad they are at poker!?
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My grans knitting club was shut down by police.
Apparently the old dears were caught sharing needles.?
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I never knew having an imaginary friend could be so much trouble.
I opened a bank account for him, donated some of my savings, now I'm being done for tax evasion.
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Just written an emotional song about the rising price of electricity.
It's an n-Power ballad
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Went in a bar today where they do they 4-pint jugs of lager.
Wasn't sure which one I wanted, so the barman said to pick each one up until the right one 'spoke to me'
Picked up the Stella, the jug whispered "Once upon a time there were three bears...."
Wow! Freaky!
Picked up the Carling, the jug whispered "Little Red Riding Hood put on her cape..."
Christ! Weird!
Picked up the Heineken, the jug whispered "There once was an ugly duckling....."
I turned the barman & asked what the hell was going on.
"Ah, every Pitcher tells a story"
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Some people are such technophobes. I asked my mate if he was on Twitter, he replied "I don't follow you"
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Got tickets to see Andrew Lloyd Webbers new musical Chairs.
Eventually it was standing room only.
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My mates keep telling me my girlfriends a keeper.
Theyve obviously never seen her play in midfield
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I contacted a company about supplying me some punctuation marks for my shop sign. I'm still waiting for a quote.
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What do you call a serial killer who's into extreme sports? Ted Bungee.
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Just heard a guy from Newcastle without a Geordie accent. It was uncanny.
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Was watching a documentary about the afterlife. The wife asked what was on the other side.
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Ive successfully crossbred a cloned sheep with a big titted country & western singer. I call it a dolly mixture.
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Had my t-shirt on insideout all morning. Now everyone thinks I work at York Zoo.
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How can you tell if a poultry farmers a superhero? Hes got a capon.
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I'm a safety officer in a kids playground. My careers on the slide.
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A lost tome of Charles Dickens has been found. It is the tale of 1855 London spitting championships. Great Expectorations will be out soon.
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A guy at my wedding was ejected more than once for bring drunk & abusive. Turns out it was my cousin twice removed.
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Just got back from a dinner dance in memory of snooker referee Ted Lowe. It was a touching ball.
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Father Teds' Mrs Doyle has done a cover version of Celine Dions worldwide hit. My heart will go on go on go on go on go on (ah go on)
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I'm making a fortune selling ripped clothing to punks. My careers in tatters.
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I'm on the new McDonalds diet. I drive past instead of thru.
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I find it almost impossible to maintain a six pack. I usually crack one open on the way back from Threshers.
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I've started a new business soothing peoples teeth in the back of my van. Its called Transit Dental Meditation.
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Anyone cooking asparagus for tea? I've got some tips if you're interested.
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I'm a member of a Muscular Dystrophy support group. We meet weakly.
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I gave my dad an 'e' Now he's dead.
