Skit Comp 30.4 - 6.5.11

Very high quality this week so congratulations to STEPHEN GOODLAD for walking it. Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

6!!! - 10 - Stephen Goodlad
1 - 5 - Gerry McDonnell, Michael Monkhouse, Otterfox, Ishy, Kasm
Speshul menshun - Reg N, Lady Laughter, Nil Putters

Your new subject: FRUSTRATION (chosen by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.5.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

192! - Mr Sunshine
160 - Kasm
159 - Otterfox
146 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
87 - Angiebaby
68 - Ishy
66 - Gerry McDonnell, Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

MUCOUS TO YOUR EARS

Hi-Fi Shop.
CUSTOMER and ASSISTANT:

CUSTOMER Hello I'd like to buy a music player.

ASSISTANT Of course, may I recommend the MP3? Simply download your favourite toons, strap it to your hip and off you go! Just 20 quid.

CUSTOMER Fine I'll take that.

ASSISTANT Then here's you MP4, 30 quid.

CUSTOMER What happened to the MP3?

ASSISTANT Just went out of date, sorry. MP4: simply download your favourite toons, strap it to your hip and off you go.

CUSTOMER So what's the difference?

ASSISTANT Ten quid.

CUSTOMER Then I want the old one.

ASSISTANT Ooh aren't we an old square? Look at me waltzing around like a dinosaur with me MP3 strung lower than the age of consent in the Vatican, I just saved a tenner! Anyway you can't have an MP3, it's no longer compatible.

CUSTOMER All right... An MP4.

ASSISTANT F**k off!

CUSTOMER What?

ASSISTANT MP4 he says, Jeez, might as well have 'Old fogey, kill me now before it's too late' plastered across yer forehead. MP4's out, it's the I-Pod now. Simply download your favourite toons, strap it to your hip and off you go.

CUSTOMER Look. All I want is - okay, an I-Pod.

ASSISTANT W*nker. Who the f**k goes around with that now? It's Limewire now you silly little cu...

CUSTOMER Right I'm calling the manager.

He presses the buzzer - nothing. He presses again and again...

FRUSTRATION

KATE and WILLS are in BED.

WILLS
Come on, sweetie! We're married now - surely one is entitled to a but of the old rumpy pumpy!

KATE
You know how I feel, Willykins.

WILLS
But security is necessary, love dumpling. I am in line to the throne, you know. My royal person has to be protected! Come on, give us a grope...

KATE
Stop it, Willy! I've told you before - if you want to hide your royal sausage then the secret security men will have to stand outside.

WILLS
(sigh) You heard her, boys - out you get, Willsy needs his oats.

(The two secret service en leave, closing the door behind them)

WILLS
Right! Sausage time! Hold tight, wifey, I'm coming in - GERONIMO

(WILLS leaps on Kate, the bed creaks loudly)

3RD VOICE
OW

KATE
William?

WILLS
Yes, dear?

KATE
Is there another secret serviceman under the bed by any chance?

WILLS
Um...

KATE
That's it! No Royal Garden entry for you, I'm going to sleep in spare bedroom number 82!

(She leaves, slamming the door)

WILLS
BAH! (Sticks his head under the bed) Go and get one a corgi, please. One of the pretty ones...

SCENE1

MR JONES IS SHOWING MARTIN AROUND HIS BIG FANCY OFFICE

MR JONES
Now Martin we've heard great things about you and I'm sure you're going to fit right in here at Big Generic Corporation. But you need to remember we are the most literal company in the world. It's our one USP.

MARTIN
I Literally won't let you down Mr Jones. I literally think so much outside of the box I forgot where I left it behind.

MR JONES
Don't joke you little shit, there is literally no second place for the second most literal company in the world.

MR JONES SHOWS MARTIN A DOOR

MR JONES
The team you'll be heading up are in there go to it. And remember it doesn't matter if you win or you fail as long as you're

MARTIN
Literal!

SCENE2

MARTIN STANDS WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS THE TEAM ARE COWERING UNDER THE DESKS

TEAM MEMBER1
I'm not coming out till I know where the elephant is!

TEAM MEMBER2
How could I ignore an elephant.

SCENE3

THE TEAM COWER UNDER DESKS WEARING THEIR COATS A LONG WAY AWAY FROM A DESK FAN MARTIN IS TRYING TO COAX THEM OUT

MARTIN
There is no shit!

TEAM MEMBER1
No I'm not coming out I just had this suit dry cleaned

TEAM MEMBER2
I just know as soon as I come out the shit will hit the fan.

SCENE 4

MR JONES IS KICKING MARTIN'S BUM VERY HARD AS HE CHASES HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING

MR JONES
You parable spouting unliteral shit stain!

MARTIN
Ouch yowzer! I'm sorry Mr Jones they annoyed me so much.

HALF A DOZEN UNDERTAKERS DRAG BODY BAGS PAST MARTIN AND MR JONES

DAVID HASSELFHOFF WALKS PAST RUBBING HIS APPARENTLY SORE ARSE

HASSLEHOFF
I don't like being f**ked I'm suing you both!

Oh you people hurt my head.

TWO 30-SOMETHING WOMEN - SHARON AND TRACY - ARE STANDING SHIVERING AT A BUS STOP IN A SUBURBAN DRIZZLE. THEY ARE CLEARLY FED UP WAITING FOR THEIR BUS TO SHOW UP. SHARON SIGHS HEAVILY.

SHARON: I'm sick to death of this bloody bus service

TRACY: I know. I wouldn't mind so much but my Danny is a driver on this route.

SHARON: Ha! It's usually us girls that keep the bloke waiting.

TRACY: [SADLY] Huh, bit like my sex life really.

SHARON: How d'ya mean?

TRACY: Well, I wait all day for an orgasm then three come along at once. Shame he's never home on time to share the experience.

A BUS IS HEARD APPROACHING.

SHARON: Ah, here he comes now.

TRACY: Typical. He could've at least waited until I'd got on the bus.

END

Quote: Lady Laughter @ May 4 2011, 10:44 PM BST

Says the man who doesn't use his real name...

View original

That's rich, coming from someone who gives no name and the opposite gender.

Please, no more off topic posts in this thread or I'll close it and all the class will have to stay behind after school.

Son of BOB

While I love the fact the comp generates ideas and feedback, it's easier if we hold off the comments, at least until voting time. Otherwise the thread gets full of non-comp posts. Like this one. Bugger.

Frustration

A WRITER, DAVE, IN HIS STUDY. WIFE IS IN KITCHEN. CONNECTING DOOR IS OPEN

DAVE
Oh Shit!

WIFE
What's up Hunkychunks?

DAVE
I can't think of anything funny for this bleedin skit competition.

WIFE
Just put loads of stuff about cock and fanny. They love that.
Speaking of which, I want a tongue job tonight. It's ages since you did that.

DAVE (GROANS)
I wanted to be a serious comedy writer. (RAISES VOICE) Shut the kitchen window love, there's a breeze blowing up me jacksie.

CLUNK

WIFE
F**kin hell Dave, I've got me dress stuck in the window

DAVE
Well pull it out!

WIFE
I can't. Come and help me!

DAVE (TYPING)
Hang on, I'm writing this down, it's funny.

WIFE
You bastard. That old bloke next door is watching me.

DAVE
Even better. Got to get that down.

WIFE
Dave come and help me! I feel like a shop window dummy.

DAVE
Ooo, that's good, that's very good.

WIFE
Ok. F**k you Dave, I'm taking it off.

ZZZZZIP

DAVE
It's all right darlin, that old man'll just have a butchers at your undies

WIFE
I'm not wearing any.

(TYPING SLOWS DOWN)

DAVE
what are you doing now?

WIFE
I'm just wiping the tops of the windows

DAVE
what are you wearing?

WIFE
F**k all

DAVE
what's the old geezer doing?

WIFE
he's having a wank

DAVE (TYPING)
this stuff is priceless

WIFE WALKS IN TO STUDY, FULLY CLOTHED, WITH A GLASS OF WINE

WIFE
Get your sketch done ok?

DAVE
Oh yes, great, thanks.

WIFE
Tongue job tonight then?

DAVE NODS

INT. THE OVAL OFFICE. DAY

OBAMA IS SITTING AT HIS DESK AS HIS SECURITY CHIEF HURRIES IN, HIS HAND TO HIS EARPIECE

SECURITY CHIEF
We got the leader of al-Qaeda!

OBAMA
Next you'll be telling me they've assassinated JFK. Have you been asleep the last few days?

SECURITY CHIEF
No, sir. On line two - it must be a new leader.

OBAMA
Okay, I'll keep him talking - you run a trace on the line.

THE SECURITY CHIEF WHISPERS FURTIVELY INTO HIS RADIO AS THE PRESIDENT LIFTS THE PHONE

OBAMA (Cont'd)
President Obama - hit me. (A beat) Figuratively, of course.

A-Q LEADER
Infidel! There will be unspeakable retribution for assassinating our leader!

OBAMA
At last - someone believes we killed Bin Laden!

A-Q LEADER
What? Erm... hold the line a minute (AUTOMATED MUZAK OF A PLAINTIVE DUTAR PLAYING JOHN LENNON'S 'IMAGINE' FOR A WHILE)

A-Q LEADER (Cont'd)
Hello? Are you still there?

OBAMA
Yup. And likely to be for another term thanks to this little operation.

A-Q LEADER
Ha ha ha ha ha - infidel. We laugh at the lies that you are spreading about killing our spiritual leader!

OBAMA
What? Listen you son-of-a-bitch, we killed him fair and square; you're down a man - end of story.

A-Q LEADER
Why you filthy son of a motherless camel, we will... (THERE'S A MUTED SQUABBLE ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE THEN ANOTHER VOICE IS HEARD) Prove it, infidel swine!

OBAMA
What do you mean 'prove it'? We got photos; we got video footage!

A-Q LEADER
Ha - we too have PhotoShop and Adobe After Effects. This proves nothing!

OBAMA
Okay - let me think. How about I get you a death certificate... from a reputable hospital in Hawaii? It might take a little while, of course.

A-Q LEADER
You have achieved nothing by this act. We laugh at your American Intelligence - listen... (WE HEAR TWO MEN LAUGHING LOUDLY DOWN THE PHONE) See?

OBAMA
Okaaaaaay. In that case you won't be retaliating then, will you?

A-Q LEADER
What!?

OBAMA
Well, if he's still alive - why would you perpetrate any acts of revenge?

SOUND OF ANOTHER SQUABBLE ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE FOR A FEW SECONDS. THEN:

A-Q LEADER
No, but we will attack you anyway - we are at war.

OBAMA
Your call - but, I'd be a little worried if I were you. If you have any success, people will think it's in retaliation - you'll just be helping me prove that your leader is dead.

A-Q LEADER
You swine! You unclean... swiney...

OBAMA'S SECURITY CHIEF SUDDENLY SIGNALS THAT THEY'VE GOT A TRACE

OBAMA
Still - I wouldn't worry too much. You're not going to be around to see it.

A-Q LEADER
Is that a threat? Are you threatening us?? We are the terrorists! You will never track us down.

OBAMA
Ever heard of a phone trace?

THERE IS A MOMENT'S SILENCE BEFORE THE LINE GOES DEAD

OBAMA (Cont'd)
Send in the Navy Seals. Which country are they in, by the way? Pakistan again?

SECURITY CHIEF (HOLDING HIS EARPIECE)
My God - no, sir. They're in the United States... Washington!

OBAMA (JUMPS UP)
What?! Where?

SECURITY CHIEF
Unbelievable - they're in... the White House. It must be a security breach. Oh my God (HE DRAWS HIS GUN AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND FURTIVELY BEFORE MOUTHING) They're here in the Oval Office!

OBAMA CLOSES HIS EYES SLOWLY AND SINKS BACK INTO HIS CHAIR

OBAMA
Chief - other end of the phone. We needed to trace the other end.

THE CHIEF NARROWS HIS EYES AND NODS SAGELY

SECURITY CHIEF
The cunning bastards. Well two can play at that game - try dialling 1471 sir.

OBAMA LOWERS HIS HEAD GENTLY INTO HIS HANDS.

END

1. INT POLICE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE IN THE EVENING. THE OFFICE IS HIGH UP IN A SKYSCRAPER. A WORN OUT LOOKING FIFTY YEAR OLD MAN IS LOOKING OUT OF HIS WINDOW AT A BURNING CITY, GLASS OF SCOTCH IN HIS HAND WITH HIS SHIRT SLEEVES ROLLED UP.

POLICE COMMISSIONER:
Goddammit, where the hell are you?

WE SEE A SHOT OF THE NIGHT SKY WITH A LARGE ILLUMINATED IMAGE PROJECTED ON IT. THE IMAGE CONTAINS THE LETTERS CF.

FADE

2. INT CAVE. A BUTLER IS SHAKING HIS HEAD IN EXASPERATION NEXT TO A MAN WHO'S TRYING TO GET INTO A SUPERHERO COSTUME.

CAPTAIN FRUSTRATION:
Bloody hell Alfred. Don't just stand there like a lemon. Help me with this f**king zip.

INT. DAY. COURTROOM.

JUDGE:
The case against Oge Coss is now in session. Oge Coss, what a rubbish name... Sorry lets begin.

BARRISTER:
Oge. May I call you Oge?

OGE:
Well that is my name.

BARR:
Or is it? Is it true 'Oge Coss' that your name is in fact Roger Cross and the only reason you dropped your 'r's is because you cannot pronounce them.

OGE:
No.

BARR:
And is it true that you sell drink in your off-license at illegal prices because you have crossed out all the 'r's on your drinks so that Carlsberg becomes 'Calsbeg', beer becomes 'bee' and spirits become 'spiits'.

OGE:
No

BARR:
And isn't it interesting that you have chosen your words so carefully that you have yet to say a word with the letter 'r' in it.

OGE:
I admit it is a little unusual but not am... a fact.

BARR:
Just there, would it not have been easier to say 'not true' there rather that 'a fact'?

OGE:
No. Even if you found that I cannot say it, it still would not am.... show that I am guilty of the allegations levelled against me.

BARR:
You see! [GETTING A LITTLE DESPERATE] Loads of times there he avoided using 'r's...

[LOOKING AROUND FOR SUPPORT] C'mon, this is ridiculous....Let's see...am what am...where...tell us...tell us...Just tell us the truth. The people want the truth!

OGE:
About what?

BARR:
Why did you not say 'the truth about what'? That would have been the obvious answer.
Now Mr. Cross I want you to say loads of stuff until a word with an 'r' comes out. Begin...

OGE:
No. This is nonsense. Must we continue with this silly game.

JUDGE:
You're right Mr. Coss. You may si...

BARR:
No, I know he can't say 'r'. I know it. Just give me a good few more chances to prove it.
Roger, make a seal noise. Make the noise of a seal...Go arf arf arf.....No? Ok bark like a dog. Do this: ruff, ruff, ruff.......grrrrr.......

Aw come on! Say rhinocerous...... Say rhinoculars?

OGE:
Rhinoculars?

BARR:
Yes. They are like binoculars but specifically used for spotting rhinocerous.

JUDGE:
Thats it! He said it! Rhinoculars starts with an 'r'.

BARR:
Ok Roger. Say a couple of more.

OGE:
Rhubard, rhythm..

JUDGE:
You see, there we have it, concrete proof.

BARR:
Hold on. You are just saying words that begin with 'rh'.

OGE:
Rhine.

BARR:
Now are you saying 'Rhine' as in the river or the name 'Ryan'?

OGE:
The name.

BARR:
Damn it!

JUDGE:
There you go. I find the defendant Oge Coss innocent of all charges.

OGE:
B'illiant! Absolutely b'illiant!!

EVERYONE STARES IN HIS DIRECTION.

END.

Hell and damnnation Im late for the comp
I deleted mine when everyone had the hump
The thread turned a bit weird,I thought this has gone to pot
Feck I don't care, this is all that Ive got