Some quick jokes

Just a few jokes I thought of please tell me what you think

I like going to school dinner nights. There's usually a huge variety there to suit your tastes - and a massive buffet too.

But I'm not a paedophile, you can ask my girlfriend. Mind you, you'll have to wait till 3.

I saw Walkers have released a new competition for their crisps, Apparently theres a 1 in 1000 chance of actually getting a crisp.

Another embarrassing story - I once thought Childline was an auction hotline.

Why is there a bus number on the back of the bus? When is that ever useful?

"Does that say 88 on there?"
"Yes"
"Well that was the one I needed. How lovely. Im off to kill myself"

No I don't really agree with suicide. Tried it a few times, not for me.

I never understood those programs that use the Ouija boards...

"So.. the dead.. contact...-"
"-The dead contact you through this board, yes"
"And... they SPEAK to us? Using letters? They move the glass?"
"Yes, they move the glass to the letters and spell words."
"But.. we have to have our fingers on it?"
"Yes in order for the-"
"No, no. I can start to see some flaws in this."

Two slugs were questioned by the police:

"What did you see?" They said
"Nothing it all happened so fast"

I once saw a slug that was so slow it had iced over in the night.

*Impression of slug icing over in the night* (pretty self-explainatory)

HURRY DOWN TO OUR SOFA SHOP! SALE NOW ON! QUICK SALE ENDS SUNDAY!
ITS NOW SUNDAY! THE MID-SEASON SALE IS NOW ON! HURRY ENDS WEDNESDAY! ITS NOW THURSDAY! BRAND NEW SALE NOW ON! COME NOW ENDS SATURDAY!

Man #1: Well what did you think of that first Lord of the Rings?
Man #2: It was pretty good actually.
Man #1: Glad you thought so, we will have to watch the others sometime.
Man #2: I've seen that. Its shit.

Statistics show that 61% of unplanned pregnancies in Glasgow occurred due to broken condoms.

Condoms in Glasgow? I thought they just used an old Mars wrapper.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ May 1 2011, 6:21 PM BST

I saw Walkers have released a new competition for their crisps, Apparently theres a 1 in 1000 chance of actually getting a crisp.

Why is there a bus number on the back of the bus? When is that ever useful?

"Does that say 88 on there?"
"Yes"
"Well that was the one I needed. How lovely. Im off to kill myself"

View original

Some great material here Juan, I loved these two

the paedo ones are good.

Bus one is a good idea for a riutine, but not the way you have written it here.

Don't like any of the others.

First few are direct from Sickipedia, stopped reading after that.

Quote: BuryBob @ May 2 2011, 3:46 PM BST

First few are direct from Sickipedia, stopped reading after that.

View original

Are they? I couldn't find the.

So you assumed they were because of the style.

If you're going to accuse someone of being a joke theif please provide evidence, then we can all call them a wanker.

How dare you I've never taken anything from that site you cock!

Thanks gerry and lady, I liked the bus one too but didn't really know how to word what I was getting at!

http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/558415 - posted 10 months ago, who's the cock now?
Really got better things to do than proving someones a plagiarist, feel free to browse the website for the rest of Juans 'original' jokes. If you can't find them then learn how to use search properly.
Little tip mate, if you're gonna pinch, pinch better f**king material.

You're well out of order here Bob. Everyone on here who writes jokes has came up with something that's similar to jokes that are already 'out there'.

Your 'first few are direct from Sickipedia' comment was a disgrace.

Laughable. Someone else pinches someones jokes. I point it out & I'm the disgrace? I've been writing original material for years, I know the difference, believe me. To post 1 or 2 with similarities, yeah, it happens, but a whole post of jokes hijacked from elsewhere? Bullshit.

You're a joke fella, and an unfunny one at that. Keep defending the mediocre if it reminds you of your own failings,that's your prerogative. I suggest you look around a little more if you want to see real originality, there's plenty of good, original material posted on this very site, but not these feeble second hand offerings above.

I'm all fOr outing plagiarists, but I think it's quite clear that a few people have just come across the same obvious punchline. It's difficult to write an original paedo joke because all the obvious ones have been done a million billion times already. It's always best to be safe though, if someone (even an uncredited sickipedia joke- it was probably nicked off a gigging comic anyway) has a similar joke, drop it and move on. It's likely just to be a coincidence but it's not worth the risk of being branded a chegwin.

What would I possibly get out of stealing joeks and getting someone to critique them? A bit of kudos? The whole point I post on here is to get feedback on jokes that I thought of by myself. If you must know me and my mates used to prank call Childline asking how much children were when I was in Year Ten...that's bout 3-4 years ago now. So you are the cock you f**king moron. And we recorded the calls by the way and they have the date sothat's a little bit more than 10 months.

Well I guess I can take it as a compliment because they must have been reasonably good for you to go to lengths to try and find similar jokes. So thanks.

Quote: BuryBob @ May 3 2011, 5:01 PM BST

http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/558415 - posted 10 months ago, who's the cock now?

View original

[quote name="BuryBob" post="758884" date="May 3 2011, 6:11 PM BST"
You're a joke fella, and an unfunny one at that. Keep defending the mediocre if it reminds you of your own failings.[/quote]
Yes that's why people defend the mediocre. To be reminded of their own failings. Where is that head scratching emoticon when you need it.

Anyway Bob welcome to the BSG love in.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ May 3 2011, 6:46 PM BST

If you must know me and my mates used to prank call Childline asking how much children were when I was in Year Ten...that's bout 3-4 years ago now. So you are the cock you f**king moron.

View original

Being a twat in the past is no real argument Juan.

Of course its an argument because it was the basis for my joke. I know its childish but hey I know you are the perfect man and would never have done anything out of line you stuck up git.

Juan, careful not to shoot yourself in the foot. You weren't the one at fault in this thread so don't ruin that for yourself.

I'm not sure that I'm ready for this level of comedy yet.