NEWSREADER: Massive cuts have been announced by the Ministry of Defence to Britains's Armed Forces. Our special reporter has been speaking to the Minister:
REPORTER: I'm here at the Ministry of Defence where I'm going to ask Armed Forces Minister Jack Slasher what these latest cuts entail.
Mr Slasher, what can you tell us about these cutbacks?
SLASHER: Well, these are very far reaching cuts which will save us billions of pounds while at the same time improving British Armed Forces.
REPORTER: So you've increased efficiency while saving money. How so?
SLASHER: Well, I sent my team all over the country looking for ideas (on public transport or thumbing lifts to save money of course) and they discovered something remarkable. Our museums are full of old aircraft from World War 2, in perfect working order, especially Spitfires. Now the Spitfire is the most famous fighter plane of all time. So we thought 'this is the aircraft that won us WW2 , why not bring it back?' So we did.
REPORTER: Er, isn't the Spitfire a little slow these days Minister?
SLASHER: Well that's the point you see. Any enemy will be expecting a fast raid by a modern jet. By the time the Spits rock up they'll have fallen asleep waiting, so we'll catch then napping.
REPORTER: I see....There's also changes to the Navy I understand?
SLASHER: Indeed! Very exciting, this. On our trips round the country we realised that Nelson's Flagship - HMS Victory, no less, is going to waste as a tourist attrction in Portsmouth. So we thought 'this is the ship that helped win the greatest naval victory of all time at Trafalger. Why has it been pensioned off early?' Terrible waste - so we've bought it back into service. Brittania rules the waves again.
REPORTER: But Minister.....HMS Victory is a wooden ship.....
SLASHER: Exactly - that's why it floats so well! With plenty of wind, it's unstopable!
REPORTER: And there's lots of that in the cabinet. Right.....Moving on I believe the Army are coming in for some change too?
SLASHER: Yes! Very exciting indeed, this! You see, the Army has traditionally always been supplied with guns. Now, I was mulling this over and I remembered that when I was a youngster me and my chums had often had some pretty good pillow fights and that, in fact, the pillow is a pretty good weapon. And a lot cheaper too. (PICKS A PILLOW UP AND WHACKS REPORTER WITH IT, KNOCKING HIM OFF CHAIR). See what I mean? A foriegn army wouldn't be able to stand much of that, I'm sure you'll agree! And it's a lot lighter than a rifle and doesn't need any ammunition! Perfect! And of course, for Special Forces, we've got the pillowcases in black to match the rest of their gear. You won't find this government skimping on our Armed Forces!
REPORTER: Great. Now I'm also told we have what some are calling 'The Nuclear Option'?
SLASHER: Ah yes1 My favourite! (PLACES A BOOK ON THE TABLE). And this is it!
REPORTER: What exactly is that Minister?
SLASHER: It's 'The Book Of deadly Insults'! There's some real killers in here! I'll show you a couple of the tamer ones. Obviously you can't use the more deadly ones in a confined space.
REPORTER: Of course not Minister.
SLASHER: Here's a good general purpose, low level one: 'You fat greasy pig!'
REPORTER: Ooh! Nasty!
SLASHER: Here's another: 'Get back you sausage eating nazi!' - that's in case Germany ever kicks off again.
REPORTER: And what about the so called 'Smart Insults'?
SLASHER: Ah, yes! These target a specific group but don't cause any collateral damage to anyone else. Amazing technology.
REPORTER: Can you give me an example?
SLASHER: Yes, 'Get on the pill. you little hussies!' Oh, sorry, that's aimed at unmarried mothers - I'm saving that for the Tory Party conference.
REPORTER: Would UK Forces actually use these insults Minister?
SLASHER: Only in the gravest extreme of course. Our enemies have some pretty deadly insults to use against us so we have to maintain a difficult balance. And there's always the danger of friendly fire. Only last week one of our units deployed the insult 'Your mother and your sister are the same person!' to a group of insurgents in one of the wars we're fighting and upset a load of American Infantry from South Carolina. You have to be very careful.
Anyway, I have to get going now. Got to go to a European conference in Brussels on standardising the size of peas for our pea shooters.
REPOERTER: Well, thanks for talking to me Minister.
SLASHER: (searching down amonst the armchair). Nobody dropped any money down here I suppose....