Stand up routine for a works do

Hi

I've got inveigled into doing standup at a work music/comedy night. Should be about 200 people there and I agreed to do 10-15 minute slot. Yikes

So I've got about 3 tropes I like and know by heart. But they only cover about 3 minutes. Therefore I will be doing a few more bits over the next week or so and will be looking for feedback.

Thanks in advance.

edit 2

Who here has got an oyster?

The little blue thing that lets you go where you want to on London Transport. Like having your own smurf with a machine gun. Only less gay.

I call mine Kate Middleton, I wave it, it squeeks, we all get taken for a ride.

But better than the convenience is the quiet sense of superiority that comes free with it.

2012 won't unite us Londoners. Terrorism won't bring us together . But a bus full of commuters tutting at some hapless lout from Leeds just off the train struggling to find £2.20 that unites us as one.

There is one fault with Oysters. They are a little too democratic for my tastes.

If all your oyster is being used for is transporting you between Aldi, the bookies and the magistrates. Then I think it should be called something like a crabsticks.

And it should make a noise more like

"Wa wa."

Of course there'd also have to be an alternative card for those who are more highclass. I mean the queen qualifies for an freedom pass and she deserves a little more than an oyster.

No her's would have to be something more like an "lobster card." And when you swipe it, it would go

"Hums Rule Britannia."

Mind you surely you could do more with an Oyster? Why not shop with it? Why not vote with it?

Well voting would have one problem. I voted for the Liberal Democrats at the last election.

And I fear if I used my oyster after voting with it.

It would take me in exactly the opposite direction of where it told me I was going. And then deny it.

Mind you there is an alternative. The Boris Bike. You register on line get a pin and then pay a fiver to take an abandoned bike and ride around it. Before abandoning it and getting on with your day.

I used to belong to a similar scheme.

It was called bike theft.

It was completely free, I even shoplifted the bolt cutters. Halfords should sponsor it.

Mind you with the buse I do have time to get on with my work

You see I have an ipad, or to give it it's proper title.

I pad too much for a computer too posh for a proper keyboard.

It cost an arm and a leg, or a kidney basically which ever bit of Steve Jobs had stopped working that day.

Well done Apple for persuading me to once more pay for something I and no one else with a job actually needs.

Take the iphone. No one with a proper job owns one, they're all bought by creative types living off cat food to be able to afford one. People with proper jobs have Blackberries, people with successful jobs have ancient nokias wrapped in masking tape and a PA to do their emailing for them. Thanks very much.

.

And now we have the ipad. Something that looks like an iphone for the partially sighted or a particularly snazzy Ikea lunch tray. .

Of course there's the app store yes you can buy Apps to pretend your drinking, find a Starbucks (clue if you can't see one you're probably on Alpha Centauro and they're opening a branch there soon), hell there's probably there's an app that orders apps for you and another that writes dreary twitter updates about the app you just ordered...

Be sure to let us know precisely how badly you crash and burn.

So it's pretty shit then?

Quote: sootyj @ April 24 2011, 6:08 PM BST

So it's pretty shit then?

View original

Omit the pretty and you're in the ball park. How pissed are they likely to be?

It seemed a bit rambling and lacking in gags to me... I'd cut most if not all of that if you have time (though I only read the first half).

I'm sure you can do better than that... How much experience do you have of doing stand up and who are your influences? I think you'd be better off doing a series of shorter jokes about various different subjects, rather than doing loads of stuff about Oyster cards, it kinda seems like you're trying to force your writing style to be like michael McIntyre or someone, when your writing style should dicate your stand up style, rather than what style of stand up you like.

As nasty as I can be, I could imagine much of that going down quite well. I had a few chortles and enjoyed imagining it being performed.

Good Lib Dem gag. Maybe instead of iphone for the blind, the ipad coult be an iphone for old people, and you could mime squintng and stabbing at the 'buttons'. holding it up to your ear (with both hands) going 'hello?'

It will come down, in the end, to your delivery. I'm sure if you can get it recorded we'd all love to see it, and for once I mean that in a non sarcastic way.

I'm not used to being the one defending Sooty's work... I feel sort of unclean now.

I didn't find it funny, Sooty. Although I did like the lib dem gag even if it was a bit contrived and clunky.

I could see bit's of this going down well with your delivery SootyJ.
But written down anecdotal standup is never easy to judge.

Ok thanks for feedback. I am the worlds laziest standup writer (despite occaisonally doing it comercially). I did the first half as a work shop with myself and the second was a rejigged blog post I liked writing. I can see where it didn't work, God knows now I look at it ipad jokes are a bit dated. Also I break my own rules of always having jokes and finishing on a big one.

I've also got the problem as this is a works do for senior managers, funders, parents, clients etc. My joke about an ipoo toilet blowing someone's internal organs out of their anus is a poor fit.

So I shall edit these down severley and write a couple of new ones.

Thanks for the feedback, excpet

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ April 24 2011, 6:06 PM BST

Be sure to let us know precisely how badly you crash and burn.

View original

Quote: KLRiley @ April 24 2011, 6:23 PM BST

Omit the pretty and you're in the ball park. How pissed are they likely to be?

View original

What the f**k? That's mean and not really justifiable. Reminds me of why I stopped posting in critique for so long.

There's actually a lot of work in these 2 bits, I find family friendly standup for myself quite hard to write. So it doesn't come out right first time.

Too often critique is still just sour grapes.

We're all in the sewer some of us are still looking at the stars.

Loses it bit a the end, but I thought it was okay, even if the second part still reads more like an article than a routine. As Steve says a lot depends on the delivery.

Thanks new edit posted.

Is it shorter and sharper?

Hoping to seque it into the next section.

You could do a bit of physical stuff if you have an oyster card with you soots. And develop it a bit maybe. Ie what other aspects of life would be improved if the oyster card worked there too. I guess I am put in mind of Pamela Stephenson's breasts and American Express kinda thing.

Better. Like the Steve Jobs transplant line.

Quote: Griff @ April 25 2011, 1:01 PM BST

What kind of act do you think he's planning to do??

View original

Lol... in terms of different trains of thought, not necessarily that particular ending.

Marc if I offer to let the chief exec rub my tits for having an Oyster card will you be able to get me a job in Norfolk?

Maybe on that steam train?

But yes there will be some small degree of miming

I just didn't want to type *waves Oyster card at the audience*

Quote: Timbo @ April 25 2011, 1:03 PM BST

Better. Like the Steve Jobs transplant line.

View original

Thanks, how are you bearing up?