Skit Comp 20-27.4.11

Grate crop so congratulations to KASM for winning hands-down (oo-er). Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

8!!! - 10 - Kasm
2 - 5 - Shandonbelle
1 - 1 - Nils Putter
Speshul menshun - Ishy

Your new subject: QUARREL
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27.4.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

192! - Mr Sunshine
155 - Kasm
154 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
141 - Michael Monkhouse
132 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
87 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
63 - Ishy
61 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nils Putter, Mikey J
20 - Stephen Goodlad, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - Shandonbelle, ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

Quarrel? Which idiot came up with that? I think the theme should be 'Arguing'.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY, 29th APRIL 2011

THE HAPPY COUPLE ARE HAVING A HUSHED QUARREL:

"Will you just get on with it!"

"I would, if your bloody Nan would stop giving me evils!"

"She is not giving you evils - she looks at everybody like that."

"Well it creeps me the f**k out! She's never liked me!"

"She loves you, seriously... I love you."

"And I love you, but your family are f**king mental!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well your Nan thinks she's better than everybody else, your brother's a prick, your Gramps is a racist, your Dad's a drip and I think your Stepmother's an alien."

"They don't matter, it's us that matters. Just do your bit and we can bugger off and leave the all behind."

"And I didn't tell you what your Nan said yesterday, did I? She told me to treat you right or 'a little holiday in Paris' might be in order! It's like marrying into the mob!"

"Don't be silly, pookie. My family would never cut a horse's head off. A peasant, maybe..."

"WHAT!"

"Joking... joking... just say I Do and let's have done with it, eh?"

"(sigh)... okay, just for you. You seem to be the only normal one anyway. (louder) I DO."

Archbishop - "I now pronounce you an and wife."

"Thank you, sweetie. You are now a member of one's family."

"Brilliant. Let's go and get c**ted..."

Iden-titty

POLICE STATATION, bored POLICEMAN...
MAN rushes in, flustered:

MAN Constable! I've had my wallet stolen...

POLICEMAN What did the thief look like Sir? Was he black?

MAN I didn't see anything...

POLICEMAN Then can you show me the item?

MAN Of course not, that's what was stolen...

POLICEMAN Getting cocky are we Sir?

MAN No I'm just worried. It had everything in - ID, phonecard, cash...

POLICEMAN Then we'll file a report. (takes out paper and pen) Could you show me some ID.

MAN I just told you...

POLICEMAN (holds up hand) And we need a phone number.

MAN Well what good's that when my bloody phonecard's been nicked?

POLICEMAN I don't like the tone of your voice Sir. Now this report requires a fee...

MAN For Christ's sake man, when will you understand? I've lost my wallet, that's why I came here in the first place.

POLICEMAN Right that's enough. (calls) Serge!

Enter big bastard SERGE.

SERGE Yerse?

POLICEMEN Arrest this man for contempt of the law, wasting police time and being a prick.

SERGE Right away Sir. Now you scum, any ID?

Censored

Quote: Lady Laughter @ April 22 2011, 1:21 PM BST

"MAN Well what good's that when my bloody phonecard's been nicked?"

phonecard? Did you write this sketch in the 80s?

View original

Just a note to say, please read the rules of skit comp. It is purely posting your own entry and then voting on which is the one you like best.

EXT. SCHOOL GATES. DAY

THE HEADMISTRESS OF AN AMERICAN KINDERGARTEN IS WITH THREE 5-YEAR-OLDS WAITING FOR THEIR MOTHERS TO PICK THEM UP. TWO OF THE KIDS (CLARENCE AND BRUNO) ARE QUITE BIG FOR THEIR AGE WHILE THE THIRD IS WEEDY AND STANDS A LITTLE WAY OFF JUST LISTENING

CLARENCE
My daddy is stronger than your daddy.

BRUNO
No he isn't - my daddy can wop your daddy's hide any day!

CLARENCE
Huh! Mine could pick up a car and bop your daddy on his noggin!

BRUNO
Pick up a car? Pah - you're a-lyin'.

CLARENCE
No I ain't - he could do it, easy enough. He's the most powerfullest daddy in the whole wide world.

BRUNO
Well, my daddy would pick up a train and whack that silly old car away like a danged softball.

CLARENCE
A train? Well mine would fly up to the moon, grab a big old lump of that green cheese and make your daddy eat it all up!

BRUNO
Your daddy can't fly!

CLARENCE
Can, too! Does it all the time!

HEADMISTRESS
Children, children - hush up. Your mommies are here now.

TWO SMARTLY DRESSED WOMEN COME TOWARDS THE SCHOOL GATES

HEADMISTRESS
Hello Mrs Kent, how's your husband, Clarke? And Mrs Wayne - I do hope Bruce is well.

SUDDENLY AN EXPENSIVE BLACK CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE THE GATE AND HONKS ITS HORN. THE WEEDY KID BRUSHES PAST THE OTHERS ON HIS WAY TO THE CAR

JOHNNY (EVIL HISS)
My daddy could have your two daddies rubbed out.

THE HEADMISTRESS AND THE MOTHERS PEER AFTER HIM AS HE GETS INTO THE CAR

LOIS CLARKE
What a strange little boy. What's his name?

HEADMISTRESS
That's Johnny, his father owns DC Comics. Why, do you know him?

LOIS CLARKE AND VICKI BRUCE FROWN OVER AT EACH OTHER BEFORE SHAKING THEIR HEADS DISMISSIVELY AND LEADING THEIR KIDS AWAY

END

ANDY:
Look Steve the Cup Final is coming up in a few days and I'm afraid you can't come with us in your current condition.

STEVE:
What do you mean?

ANDY:
What I mean is you fight with everybody.

STEVE PUSHES ANDY.

STEVE:
What the hell are you talking about?!

MARK:
Yeah Steve, you also have an uncanny ability of rubbing people up the wrong way.

STEVE WIPES HIS NOSE ON MARKS TSHIRT.

STEVE:
(Indignant) That one you're going to have to explain to me. If I'm so hard to get on with where are your examples?

MARK:
Well there was the time we were out with my cousin Mike and you said that every shot he failed to drink that you would kick him it the lung, knowing that he had bad asthma.

ANDY:
There was also the time you punched out that old woman after she rolled over your foot with her shopping trolley.

STEVE:
Okay okay! I don't think I rub people up the wrong way though.

MARK:
During our Confirmation the bishop stormed off the altar because he said, while pointing at you; and I quote: "I'm sick of his shit".

ANDY:
You knocked two kids out with a Frisbee and spat a chewing gum into a baby's mouth. You also pissed off all those mice that time.

MARK:
Yeah you wore that 'Shrews are my favourite rodents' t-shirt in a predominantly mouse area. Look you're just really hard to get along with and over the course of an FA Cup final against our fiercest rivals we just don't think it would be safe but we think we have found a solution.

ANDY :
We've got you two tickets to see the Dalai Lama. The bastion of well-being on the earth. He has chosen to use peace in his treatment of all beings. If anyone can help you to find your inner peace it's him.

STEVE:
Two tickets? Great I'll bring your missus, Woaaa!!!

ANDY:
This is the type of shit I'm talking about. Just go and sort yourself out.

THE THREE BOYS SHOW UP AT THE RECEPTION AREA.

MARK:
(To Receptionist) Hi, where is the Dalai Lama holding his seminar?

RECEPTIONIST:
Second door on the left.

THE THREE BOYS OPEN THE DOOR AND SEE A ROOM FULL OF LLAMAS.

LLAMA:
Sorry lads this is the Daily Llama conference. The Dalai Lama is next door.

STEVE ENTERS AND COMES OUT AFTER AN HOUR TO WHERE THE BOYS ARE WAITING.

STEVE:
Oh my God! You were so right. I have never known such peace. It's like I was never fully aware before now. I can feel the gentle flow of the universe. I-its as if I am perfectly in tune with the rhythm of life. The ebb and flow of the tides... I just have to go back in for the floating butterfly wind-down. See you in twenty minutes.

ANDY AND MARK ARE WAITING OUTSIDE WHEN STEVE AND THE DALAI LAMA COME CRASHING THROUGH THE WALL GRAPPLING ON THE GROUND. THE DALAI LAMA GETS THE UPPER HAND AND PUNCHES STEVE ANGRILY.

DALAI LAMA:
You stupid f**king prick! Die you bastard, die!!!

END.

I think this just about slips under the entry rules:

TUNELESS

SETTING -
A recording studio and the mixing booth.

CHARACTERS -
PAUL and JASON are in the recording booth, and talk to the band through a microphone that comes out of speakers in the actual studio. The band DEATHTONGUE are fronted by TARQUIN, a polite, posh sounding young man.

Background noise: General minor instrument fiddling.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) Right then, lads. My names Paul, and I'm going to produce you today. I want you to have a run through of the song and we'll see what comes out, okay?

TARQUIN:
Cool. It's called "Sadness of the Gods."

PAUL:
(Through speakers) Sounds beautiful. Go for it.

DEATHTONGUE launch into the song, which is basically a solid wall of guitar and drums, with TARQUIN literally shouting unintelligably over the top.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) WHOA! GUYS! GUYS

The music subsides as they hear him.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) think we may have a problem, lads. I can hear the band, but Tarquin, all I'm getting from your vocal mike is a load of shouting, mate. I think we might have a fault, so Jason here's going to replace it with a fresh one, okay?

TARQUIN:
Hang on. Was it a bit like this.

TARQUIN shouts unintelligably like he did during the song.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) Jesus! Yeah, that was sit. Bloody horrible noise.

TARQUIN:
But that's how I sing.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) Really? Why?

TARQUIN:
It's how I express the lyrics, y'know?

PAUL:
(Through speakers) You have lyrics? What are they?

TARQUIN:
Well, just no I was singing "Looking down upon this fragile Earth, we curse the day we gave you birth". It's about the Gods cursing mankind for taking religion and corrupting it through the years.

PAUL:
(Through speakers) To be honest, it sounded more like you were being sick. I'm sorry, but I can't produce you if all you're going to do is shout and scream. I'm a bloody professional! I've done real musicians me, and I'm buggered if I'm going to put my name to this load of old tripe. Just go away please.

TARQUIN:
But...

PAULThrough speakers) LA LA LAAAAAA! Not listening! I'm turning you off now. BYEEEEEEE!

The scene continues inside the mixing booth.

PAUL:
What the hell was that, mate? I can't stand it when they come in and expect miracles when they can't even bloody sing! Sometimes I think I know how Simon Cowell feels, except when I get 'em some twonk's already given them a recording contract. From now on I'm only doing established atrists.

JASON:
Don't worry mate. The next bloke in has been a successful recording artist for over forty years and has sold more than fifty million albums. That better?

PAUL:
Now THAT'S more like it. A real bloody singer, not some vomiting chav. I could just do with producing someone who can really carry a tune. Who is it?

JASON:
Some bloke called Bob Dylan.

PAUL:
(resigned) Oh... bollocks...

KITCHEN

HUSBAND
I know you're not talking to someone like me ever again but do you know where my white M & S shirt is?

WIFE
I wouldn't lower myself by talking to someone like you ever again...it's in the washbasket behind the nest of tables in the conservatory

HUSBAND
I know you're not being anyone's skivvy ever again so how do I work this washing machine?

WIFE
My day's of being everyone's skivvy are over...40 degrees cottons, crease guard on and use two of the non bio tablets from the cupboard under the sink

ONE HOUR LATER

HUSBAND
I know you're not responsible for my cock up's anymore and you don't see why you should be constantly wiping my arse for me but what's happened to my best shirt?

WIFE
Your cock up's are your own problem from now on and you're old enough to wipe your own arse

LOOKING AT THE NOW PINK M & S SHIRT

so I forgot to mention you should never mix whites with coloureds

DAY INT
A NICE TEAROOM
4 PEOPLE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE
THE WAITRESS COMES OVER NOTEPAD IN HAND

WAITRESS
Can I take your order please.

THREE LOOK TO ONE MAN AS IF HE IS IN CHARGE

MAN IN CHARGE
yes dear, I would like a large plate of toast, CUNT

WAITRESS
Don't speak to me like that you horrible man

MAN IN CHARGE
I'm sorry dear, I like to speak in acronyms
What I meant was

Cut Up Nice & Thin

WAITRESS
Oh, ok.

MAN IN CHARGE
And we would like some donuts
TWATS

WAITRESS
Is there something wrong with you

MAN IN CHARGE
No dear
Two Without And Two Sugared

WAITRESS
And anything to drink?

MAN IN CHARGE
Yes, tea please dear, NOB
Before you ask, a Nice Oriental Brew

WAITRESS
I shall be back with your order very soon WANKER

WAITRESS DISAPPEARS INTO KITCHEN

MAN IN CHARGE
Ah, so that would be, er, With A Nice Kangeroo.... no that can't be it
erm, We Always Nicely Keep Everything...... that's not right either

ONE HOUR LATER

MAN IN CHARGE
She isn't coming back is she.

A CONVENIENCE STORE

MIDDLE AGED SHOPKEEPER
MALE CUSTOMER IN SUIT

SHOPKEEPER
Good morning, Sir what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER
I'd like to buy some money please.

SHOPKEEPER (bemused)
I beg your pardon?

CUSTOMER
I want to buy some money, please.

SHOPKEEPER
Money? We don't.... sell money

CUSTOMER
Well, I presume you have some money in the till.

SHOPKEEPER
Yeees, we do...

CUSTOMER
Well, could I buy some of that? Have you got, say, a twenty pound note?

SHOPKEEPER
Yes, I have got a twenty pound note.

CUSTOMER
Good. How much is it?

SHOPKEEPER
What?

CUSTOMER
How much do you want for it?

SHOPKEEPER
Well, twenty pounds I suppose

CUSTOMER (sucks his cheeks in)
Seems a bit steep

SHOPKEEPER
Steep? It's a twenty pound note! What do you expect me to sell it for?

CUSTOMER
How about I offer you seventeen fifty?

SHOPKEEPER
You must think I'm mad.

CUSTOMER
Ok, ok, it's not my final offer, how about eighteen quid?

SHOPKEEPER
You expect me to sell you a twenty pound note for eighteen quid?

CUSTOMER
No, I expect you to negotiate. What's your best price for it?

SHOPKEEPER
My best price? It's twenty quid!

CUSTOMER
That's not negotiating.

SHOPKEEPER
Ok Ok, I'll negotiate. I will sell you my twenty pound note for twenty two quid.

CUSTOMER
Now you are being ridiculous.

SHOPKEEPER
You started it! Tell you what, I'll come down to twenty one pounds. Final reduction.

CUSTOMER (weighs it up in his mind)
Seems a bit over priced. Is it in good condition?

SHOPKEEPER
Mint

CUSTOMER
Can I have a look at it

SHOPKEEPER OPENS THE TILL AND TAKES OUT A CRISP TWENTY. HOLDS IT UP FOR CUSTOMER TO SEE.

CUSTOMER NODS APPROVINGLY

CUSTOMER
Well, thank you, I'll let you know, I've got one or two others to see.

CUSTOMER LEAVES. SHOPKEEPER LOOKS AT THE TWENTY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE SITTING ON A SETTEE.

HUSBAND:
Match of the Day's on in a few minutes, I'm really looking forward to it tonight.

WIFE:
Yeah I saw that the Villa won. Grab us a glass of wine would you love?

HUSBAND:
I just got you one ten minutes ago.

WIFE:
Yeah, but I've had a stressful day.

HUSBAND:
Stressful? You've been at home all day.

WIFE:
Looking after kids, they're a handful you know.

HUSBAND:
It must be hard sending them in the garden to play while you watch Buffy.

WIFE:
Where did that come from?

HUSBAND:
Like the weight you've put on recently, it appeared out of nowhere.

WIFE:
You can talk, tubby. When was the last time you saw your penis?

HUSBAND:
When I asked your sister to say "aarghh"

WIFE:
You weren't this mouthy when you had that cold last week; remember when you called the NHS helpline you pussy.

HUSBAND:
Why don't you f**k off and ring your mother, you haven't spoke to her for 25 minutes.

WIFE:
I only rang her because you were eating crisps. You eat like a pig.

HUSBAND:
Oh is my chewing too loud for you, your highness? I don't think it's making a significant impact on the Richter scale, unlike your snoring.

WIFE:
It's the only way I get to make any noise in bed.

HUSBAND:
Here's a tip for you, when you're driving and you see a '40' sign, it doesn't mean the car will blow up if you hit 40 miles per hour. It's not f**king 'Speed'.

WIFE:
It is in the bedroom.

HUSBAND:
You're a c**t and your taste in music is atrocious. I'm going to bed.

THE HUSBAND HEADS FOR THE STAIRS. THE WIFE SMILES AND TURNS THE CHANNEL OVER TO WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY.

1. INT INSIDE A PUB. DOCTOR WHO IS HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH HIS ASSISTANT

DOCTOR:
Vicky, vicky, I'm a Time Lord, I've been around for hundreds of years, I've battled numerous evil galactic megalomaniacs, and saved the earth countless times. I think I'd be able to remember a quote from a mere film.

VICKY:
You patronising old sod. You may think all I'm good for is making sure the dads tune in Saturday night, but I know full well the words 'Play it again Sam' were NOT spoken in Casablanca.

DOCTOR:
Whatever. Look, this is stressing me out. You're going to give me a couple of heart attacks. Back in a few minutes.

HE STORMS OFF

VICKY:
Fine

FX SOUND OF TARDIS DE-MATERIALISING AND THEN RE-MATERIALISING. THE DOCTOR POPS BACK IN.

DOCTOR:
That's better.

VICKY:
Where did you just go?

DOCTOR:
Just popped into the Tardis for a number 2. I don't like using earth toilets.

VICKY:
Eh? Why?

DOCTOR:
Two bumholes.

VICKY:
Christ alive. That I didn't need to know. Have you still got that mind wipe machine?

DOCTOR:
Shut up. Look I've got a film book from the Tardis. Take a look at page 56.

VICKY PICKS UP THE BOOK AND FLICKS THROUGH IT

VICKY:
I don't understand this. I swear it's a really common misquotation. (beat) Hang on a minute. What the f**k is this?

DOCTOR:
What?

VICKY:
This picture showing outtakes from the film. That's you standing next to Bogy. You petty bastard, I'll ...

SUDDENLY THERE IS A SCREAM FROM THE PUB. THE LANDLORD POINTS AT THE TV SCREEN IN HORROR

VICKY:
Oh my God. Doctor. It's the Daleks.

DOCTOR:
Cool. My mates. Wonder what they want?

VICKY:
Your mates? What the hell are you talking about. Their your nemeses.

DOCTOR:
Nemisises don't you mean? And no they're not actually. Listen, I'm just popping out to say hello.

FX SOUND OF TARDIS AGAIN

FADE

3. INT SKARO. THE DOCTOR IS STROKING DAVROS'S FACE

DOCTOR:
Have I ever told you how beautiful your three eyes are?

FADE

4. INT PUB. THE DOCTOR RUNS IN BEING CHASED BY A DALEK

DOCTOR:
VICKY. Get to the bloody Tardis NOW!

DALEK:
CONSUMMATE. CONSUMMATE

Vinny:
What's that you're writing mate?

Glen:
It's a letter for Suzie.

Vinny:
Still friends since the break up then?

Glen:
Nope. we just never got to finish our final Row properly so we decided to continue it by post

Vinny:
You're having a postal argument? that's ridiculous, can't you both just act like normal people & have a quarrel on Facebook or Twitter.

Glen:
Suzie just finds letters a bit more personal.

Vinny:
I'll say she does! look what she's put here, I wouldn't take that mate, how dare she write to you like that.

Glen:
I don't blame her mate. I sent some very scathing prose myself.

Vinny:
Probably just the drink corresponding mate.

Glen:
I just get pissed off when she suddenly brings up something I'd written months ago that I don't even remember.

Vinny:
There must be hundreds of letters here. You haven't even opened this one!

Glen:
That's from her brother Colin, probably trying to play the mediator as usual

Vinny:
Ignore it mate, I'll write to him & tell him to keep his nose out

Glen:
Cheers Buddy!

Vinny:
Still though mate, you can't keep the same argument going forever, you need to put the pen away sometime, y'know stop drawing a line under the whole thing.

Glen:
Oh don't worry mate, we're back together now anyway, this is a brand new argument.

Vinny:
I can't believe you got back together, all you two ever do is fight.

Glen:
I know, I know mate but you should read some of the make up notes