British Comedy Guide

The Horror Movie Feeling

Just a quick note before this starts, I'm new here and so I'm sorry if I've done anything wrong by posting this here, I think I'm alright because I read the stickies so if you tell me to read the stickies I'll be slightly hurt, and you'll have to live with that feeling for a good 5-10 minutes.

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We've all been there. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves whilst watching a horror movie we always suffer from the side effects. We sit there on the couch thinking "Ooh some good effects there, good thing that's never gonna happen" and then BAM! Lights go off. This is where the feeling starts to build in. First, you somehow manages to convince yourself that your house has turned into a tuna tin full of your worst nightmares, and the only place they aren't are the well lit places directly in front of you. Behind the desk? Zombies. That small dark spot out the window? Vampire. These entities have no existed before, but suddenly in your mind they have all appeared. After about 20 minutes of sitting on your couch trying to tell yourself its fine and wondering if the couch is comfy enough to sleep on you get up. The sounds start getting to you. The small bash upstairs is a creepy axe murderer struggling to get through the window and the washing machine hum is actually a spinning wheel of doom in your living room. Through pure miracle, a true intervention of God, you manage to reach the bottom of the stairway. You take the first step up and you decide that there is definitely a murderer about to feast upon your heavenly organs for absolutely no reason which is clear to you. The speed at which you climb the stairs go from a leisurely, sleepy pace, to a full speed sprint which would have put Usain Bolt to shame. Quick left, the bathroom is right but screw the bathroom you can brush your teeth in the morning. Plus the ninja's are in there waiting for you. You perform a majestic leap over the arms of countless horrors reach up to rip you apart and somehow roundhouse kick the door shut and land on your bed. Why do we do that? We instantly feel safe once we're in our bedrooms, and after we've made that jump. Do we just assume in our minds that these blood hungry beasts cannot jump, or open a basic wooden door, and just stand outside and think "Ahhh well, we'll get him next time he watches a horror movie. Did you guys notice he didn't brush his teeth? What a freak!" As an extra security measure we wrap ourselves up in our blankets. Blankets have saved many lives obviously. All the stories we hear in the newspapers - "Woman survives falling building using blanket" and the most recent "Boy defends himself from Hoodies knives by wrapping up." It's another thing we do not feel safe doing, yet, I guarantee you when Father Death comes to kill you he won't be clawing at your blanket like "WHAT IS THIS FORCE FIELD?!" But you are not 100% safe yet. Sometimes you get hot and your feet poke out from under the blanket. With instant horror you retract your feet, covering up your vulnerability, with the monster under your bed screaming in frustration by this point. After half an hour of opening your eyes suddenly to try and catch the pirates mid sword swipe, you fitfully fall asleep. You then wake up in the morning, never thinking upon your actions as if they were in the slightest bit out of the norm.

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Anyway that's a short little bit, if its generally liked I might carry on with my stuff, if not I'll explore different routes and just research a little bit more. I came up with this but if someone else has already done it it was completely unintentional and I am SO sorry! Thanks for reading and please leave a little constructive criticism. :)

Do you have any particular writing influences?

Firstly I'd say that block of text should have been broken up into multiple paragraph's to make it easier to read. Secondly, unless it's for stand up I think it'd work much better if it was 2 guys (or possibly 2 girls) sharing the experience and talking to each other about it, possibly with a narrator if you prefer...

No-one ever got anywhere by giving up at the drop of the hat, stick with it, it's not a bad idea by any means, not one I've really seen discussed before, but I can identify with it to some degree - though not to that extreme!

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