Rock Bottom 3rd Episode sitcommission

Ok this is the third ep. The first covers Peregrine who is a multi millionaire and in love with Jon. He continually sets up projects for Jon to do and pays 10k a time, hoping Jon will love him. The first project...i.e... renovating Peregrine's flat ends in disaster and Jon/Vicky/Steve end up with nothing. The 2nd ep is where Peregrine asks them to arrange a party for 300 of his business associates, that ends in disaster too and Jon and co end up penniless again. This is the third ep I wrote. I have to say that my humour is barking mad but so am I
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Bushbaby, just a question. Have you put this up before as I'm having a touch of dejavu?

I may have done but I can't remember

Quote: bushbaby @ April 20 2011, 8:23 PM BST

I may have done but I can't remember

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It's my age, you know haha

Definitely read it before.

I don't know Bushbaby. I find it difficult reading from a screen but I had to read this through a couple of times to get it. I can see the potential for when its being performed but there's bits of it that aren't quite working for me. I think there's a real jump with Jon's level of inebriation but then we're into a later scene and time has passed. Difficult to say where its out of character from the previous eps. Also Vicky does get a bit peripheral. Does she do more in the other eps?
Sorry. Trying to be contructive but not succeeding very well.

Quote: KLRiley @ April 20 2011, 9:09 PM BST

Definitely read it before.

I don't know Bushbaby. I find it difficult reading from a screen but I had to read this through a couple of times to get it. I can see the potential for when its being performed but there's bits of it that aren't quite working for me. I think there's a real jump with Jon's level of inebriation but then we're into a later scene and time has passed. Difficult to say where its out of character from the previous eps. Also Vicky does get a bit peripheral. Does she do more in the other eps?
Sorry. Trying to be contructive but not succeeding very well.

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Yes it is difficult 'on the page' but thanks for your time and comments. It is a rehash from the LL comp so maybe I put it up then x

Bush Baby if I had a criticism it would be that your characters seem to make statements as opposed to conversing.
God knows I am no one to talk about layout, but given your age and experiences and your clear desire to write comedy why don't you just write a conversation then do the rest.
You clearly have a degree of commitment and your desire is evident, so just let it happen.
Have a basic story line thread then make up entire conversations around it.
If you did that then the reality would aid the humour and vice versa.
That said your desire is enviable as you are prepared to go past sketches and put together entire tales, so on a personal level it is already worthwhile and rewarding

Thanks Teddy, I don't know how to do sitcom any other way. This one is written for TV rather than theatre (which the sitcommission comp is.) I have had two comedy plays put on in London fringe and they both have lengthier lines for the characters.
I like the 'clipped' dialogue for TV, or the shorter the better [for me that is] but I do take in what you say and it maybe a good idea for me to have a go at your suggestion, to do a conversation first. That's if I can think up another sitcom with different characters.

KLRiley
Thanks, yes Vicky does have more lines in the other two and one scene in the first ep with just her and Steve. It's because in this ep, there's the cop and the pizza man 'sharing' the lines

Quote: bushbaby @ April 21 2011, 9:51 AM BST

in this ep, there's the cop and the pizza man 'sharing' the lines

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It's not another one of your cocaine and porn scripts is it BB?

Quote: Marc P @ April 21 2011, 9:56 AM BST

It's not another one of your cocaine and porn scripts is it BB?

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What else is there at my age?

Red wine I should imagine

Quote: Marc P @ April 21 2011, 10:26 AM BST

Red wine I should imagine

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I have to drink red wine as it cleans bad cholesterol from the arteries, caused by smoking heavily, so I smoke then drink...well, that's my excuse anyway
But it keeps me young as in my avatar