Hey guys,
This is from a new sitcom I'm working on. An 'annoying guest' arrives. Is he TOO annoying do you think?
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THE DOORBELL GOES.
DAVE:
Mint, will you get that. I need to top up the finger-foods.
ROB:
They're SNACKS. Call them that! It's credibility issues like that which leads to these reduced party numbers...
DAVE AND ROB WALK INTO THE KITCHEN. MINT APPROACHES THE DOOR. HE HEARS LOUD BANGING AND SOMEONE SHOUTING FROM BEHIND IT.
(O.O.V) 'This is the police! Open the door immediately!'
MINT CAUTIOUSLY OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING BILLY-RAY, WHO IS WEARING A 'LOUD' SHIRT WITH A SMUTTY SLOGAN ON IT.
BILLY-RAY:
...The fashion police! You're nicked mate. You have the right to look fat in that ill-fitting shirt! I'm just joking. In fact, from a distance, in the dark, you could almost be the thinnest person in an empty room! (BEAT) Yes, I'm pissing down your leg, Minton! Where can I assist the suicide of this coat?
MINT:
(CONFUSED) Erm....
BILLY-RAY:
A.k.a hang the bastard!
MINT:
Brilliant! It's just down the way on the right.
ROB COMES TO SEE WHO WAS AT THE DOOR AND BUMPS INTO BILLY-RAY.
BILLY-RAY:
Is that a fun-size Mars bar in the pocket, or are you just glad to see me?!
ROB:
(DOWNBEAT) Oh, hi Billy-Ray.
BILLY-RAY:
Robert! You southern tart!
ROB:
Well, I'm actually from north of the Watford gap, so technica--
BILLY-RAY:
(INTERRUPTING) Where's this booze at?
BILLY-RAY WALKS PAST THEM AND INTO THE KITCHEN.
ROB:
Who invited him?!
MINT:
He's a cool guy! Me and Dave thought he would liven up the place.
ROB:
We're a coalition! Remember that next time you're thinking of inviting someone I hate.
SCENE 3. INT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
DAVE AND BILLY-RAY HAVE JUST FINISHED DOWNING A COUPLE OF SHOTS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.
BILLY-RAY:
I just can't...
DAVE:
(PAUSE) What?
BILLY-RAY:
I just can't!
DAVE:
You can't do what?!
BILLY-RAY:
(EXCITEDLY) I JUST CAN'T CONTROL MY FEET!
BILLY-RAY STARTS DOING A 'CRAZY FEET' DANCE WHILST SINGING ALONG TO THE END OF 'BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE' BY MICHAEL JACKSON, WHICH IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
DAVE:
Ah. Like the lyrics in this song. Very good!
MINT DANCES INTO VIEW AND STARTS CLAPPING AND LAUGHING ALONG TO BILLY-RAY'S DANCING.
DAVE:
Did you even hear the joke?
MINT:
(PAUSE) No. But I was just...you know...laughing at his mental dancing skills! K-lassic, mate!
BILLY-RAY'S PHONE GOES.
BILLY-RAY:
Better get this, lads. Probably some bird wondering why I never called the morning after. Hmmm...I dunno - maybe because I'm 10-times-filtered hotness, and you're a dirty council estate slag whose hair is tied back so tight that I'm surprised it ain't dragged your saggy tits onto your face! (Brings hands up to his face) Awwwoooooga!
BILLY-RAY GOES FOR, AND RECIEVES, A HI-FIVE OFF MINT AS HE MAKES HIS WAY INTO THE GARDEN TO ANSWER THE CALL. DAVE GRABS MINT'S ARM, AND LOOKS AT HIM WITH A FAUX-SERIOUS FACE.
DAVE:
Never wash this hand. (BEAT) PROMISE ME, DAMMIT!
