Hippodrome Heights (sitcom)

Introduction.
Hippodrome Heights is an ex stately home,
Now a charity financed retirement home for actors and performers
who have fallen on hard times.
There are twenty bedrooms, all on-suite,each with TV
and tea making facilities.
A communal dining area and large sitting room
The residents are from a Music Hall background.
Always well down the bill, there is nobody famous here
Hippodrome Heights is not the Ritz.
There is a general atmosphere of happiness
and like most people in performing arts,
are larger than life.

Scene One The Show Must Go On.

In a small room just off the hallway in Hippodrome Heights
is a coffin, inside the coffin is Derek Daily who'd been
a magician for most his working life.
He has died from cancer.
The twenty residents and several staff,
stand on the drive in silent reverence.
The shiny black funeral cars arrive.
Pall bearers alight from the hearse
They go to the small room for the coffin.
As they struggle back through the front door,
a pall bearer stumbles, which causes others to stumble.
The coffin falls from their shoulders and crashes to the ground.
The lid comes off
A local newspaper reporter captures the scene on camera
The crashing coffin.
The open mouthed, wide eyed astonishment of the mourners
and the four doves that fly from the coffin
and settle on the hearse.

The pall bearers cannot keep the pretence
and burst into laughter.
In his last few days, Derek Daily had arranged the charade.
They go back into the house and bring out the real coffin.
The crowd begin clapping and laughing
there are chants of Bravo and Author
Billy Cox, an ex stand-up comic, shouts over the merriment,

"Derek has achieved in death,
something he never achieved in life,
a standing ovation"

The happy crowd get into the vehicles and drive off.

THE INITIATION.

Ms LOWE ENTERS THE SITTINGROOM

Ms Lowe
Ladies and gentlemen let me introduce our new resident Mr Charles Johnson.

Billy Cox
Feeling lucky punk?

Ms Lowe
Johnson not Bronson, you're thinking of Flint somebody or other.

Charles Johnson
Clint.

Billy Cox
House rule Charley, no bad language.

Charles Johnson
Eastwood.

Ms Lowe
He'll be taking Derek's old room.

Billy Cox
Look under the bed and in the wardrobe, we're not sure he's dead.
Did anybody look in that second coffin?

Ms Lowe
I'll leave you to it Charles.

Charles Johnson
Thanks Mrs Lowe.....I knew Derek, more illusionist than magican,
I'm close card manipulation myself.

Mary Obdijawa the house nurse
Billy,,,,, I can do your feet now, your room two minutes?

Billy Cox
Well done Mary, my dogs are killing me.

Charles Johnson
Pedicure?

Billy Cox
Yeh, Five quid, cash on the nose, no questions asked,
her little tax free bonus.

Charles Johnson
When you go up there, ask if she'll do me.

BILLY COX LOOKS LEFT AND RIGHT AND WHISPERS.

Billy Cox
She also does extras, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Charles Johnson
You are joking surely, look me in the eye and say that without smiling.

Billy Cox
Shhh, keep your voice down. It's not for everybody.

Mary
You ready now Billy.

Billy Cox
Tell you later.

HALF HOUR LATER BILLY AND MARY ENTER THE SITTINGROOM.

Mary
Billy says you want a pedicure.

Charles Johnson
I would appreciate that Mary.

Mary
I'll do it tomorrow, I'm too tired right now, I've had a busy day.

Billy Cox
That'll do you Charley, settle into your room, get ready for the big day.

Billy Cox
After she's done your feet, if she likes you mind, she'll say, Is there anything else I can do for you?You say, what else do you do Mary?
Then she'll tell you, but only if she likes you, she's very choosey.

THE NEXT DAY IN CHARLES'S ROOM, MARY POKES HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR.

Mary
Morning Charles, are you ready?

Charles Johnson
Oh, morning Mary, I don't know.

Mary
Not ready to have your toe nails clipped?

Charles Johnson
I was ahead of myself.

Mary
Has Billy Cox been saying silly things to you, come on, out with it.
Pardon the pun.

Charles Johnson
He's trying to make a fool of me is he? he's succeeded, I feel a fool.

Mary
He calls it the Initiation into Hippodrome Heights, the final gig, he misses the lights.But let's turn the tables shall we. When you next see Billy, give him a knowing winkThe next time I see you both together, I'll give you a knowing wink.

CHARLES IS IN THE SITTINGROOM READING A PAPER. BILLY BREEZES IN.

Billy Cox
Wotcha Charley, how's it hangin'

Charles Johnson
Good as gold mate, I owe you one.

Billy Cox........Tell you later.
HALF HOUR LATER BILLY AND MARY ENTER THE SITTINGROOM.
Mary........Billy says you want a pedicure.

Need to tidy up the stage directions. The alternative might be have to have a new scene or the audience might not wait the full thirty minutes.

Hippodrome Heights boasts an inglenook fireplace in the sitting room.
Most evenings residents gather round to reminisce.
Billy Cox, Charles Johnson and Pearl White are sat by the log fire.

Thieves Den

Charles.
I may as well tell you, before someone else does,
I've got a criminal record.

Billy.
Des O Connors tricky dicky dum dum.

Charles.
I did three months in prison.

Billy.
Nothing I'm going to regret hearing is it?

Charles.
Exactly, I don't want any rumours.

Billy.
I think you can get ointment for that.

Charles.
For passing fake money.

Billy.
Blimey, got any spare?

Charles.
A Tesco carrier bag full.

Billy.
You are kidding, arn't you, where is it, upstairs?

Charles.
No, It's in a safe place. Look, I'm grateful to be living here
on charity, but leaving us with just a tenner from our pensions
is hard. I mean I like a couple of pints and a cigar now and then.

Pearl.
So are you going to start up again,how much have you got left?

Charles.
About seventeen thousand quid.

Pearl.
How on earth did you get that much money?

Charles.
A few years ago I did a prison gig, thoroughly enjoyed it,
so did the inmates. One of the men was being released the next
day, he asked me to meet him. He offered to sell me fake money.
I told him I was on my uppers so had no money to buy.
He said I could have it sale or return, no wonder,
The fakes were terrible,all twenty pound notes, so I soon got nabbed, but not with all the money

Billy.
And are you going to be silly enough to get caught again,
Won't the thug want his money back?

Charles.
I doubt it, I heard recently he's just got twenty years.
This time I'm going to do it differently.
that's where you come in.

Billy.
Blimey, I know I've got a lot to say for myself,
but I don't think my nerves are up to the job.
What exactly would we have to do?

Charles.
Witness the transaction, that is all,
Let's meet in my room after supper.

I really like this and can visualise it in my minds eye, I like the idea of the ex music Hall b listers all being together in the retirement home, and what they might get up to, as you say most of them are larger than life, theres a lot of fun in there to be had, the fake coffin scene was funny and the 'pedicure extras' worked too, Id love to see this made into a sitcom, think there must be loads of great acting talent in the over 60s age group that would bring this to life.

CHARLES JOHNSON'S PRIVATE ROOM.

Charles
Hello, sit on the edge of the bed and I'll explain.
I go into a self owned shop, the reason is , owners never call the police,
You, Billy, will follow me in, but not together you understand, you don't know me.

Pearl.
Never, why?

Charles.
Because the cops confiscate fakes, they don't reimburse you.
And you'd better have a bloody good reason to have it.
So we have to make clear the shopkeeper is giving me the fakes
especially to the cops, if they turn up, which they won't
and if the shopkeeper won't give me kosher money change,
I threaten to call the police.

Billy.
You sure about this, I'm getting nervous already.

Charles.
I go in the shop first, and in my best stage voice say,
Terribly sorry old chap, only want a pack of ten cigarettes,
And all I've got is this fifty pound note,
He'll want the custom but will be suspicious, naturally
He'll take the note and hold it up to the light.
You , Billy, will have been stood back from the counter,
But now you move forward.
And we will both also look up to the note, inquiring of the shopkeeper
What exactly is he looking for, all innocent like.

Billy.
Surely that's game over isn't it?

Charles.
No,,,,because it's a genuine fifty note.
Then he'll give me two twenty pound notes, ten fags and some change

Billy
What if he gives you four tenners?

Charles
Gordon Bennett, are you trying to be funny?

Billy
I've been trying all my life mate, my act might have been criminal,
But there was no porridge at the end of it.

Charles.
If he gives me four tenners we just move to another shop.

Billy.
So we could end up with a bundle of tenners and a hundred fags.

Charles.
As he puts the two twentys on the counter, I palm 'em.
And change them for two fakes.
I then hold up the fakes and say,
I say old bean, are yours as good as mine
And of course they're not,,,,,,and Billy,you back me up, if there are other customers in there,encourage them to agree.

Pearl
Where am I?

Billy.
In Charles' bedroom.

Pearl
No silly, where am I when you two are in the shop.

Charles
You are well down the street holding some more fake cash.

Billy
But what if somebody does call the cops?

Charles.
OK, worst scenario, somebody calls the cops,I don't think they will, instead,
I think he'll put the two duds back in the till to unload on some unsuspecting customer later in the day. He can't afford to lose forty quid.
But,OK, say he does call the police and they actually arrive,the lazy bastards.
They question me, I suddenly get very old and mumble, they even search me
They will find nothing, and the shopkeeper still has to give me forty quid
Whatever happens neither of you are in the frame.

Billy
What if they insist on taking addresses,

Charles
Easy peasy, I give them my old address, which will still be on the electoral roll.
And don't forget, we make forty quid per shop, five shops in two hours,
Two hundred smackeroonies, a hundred for me and fifty each for you two.
And it's foolproof.

Billy
Count me in.

Pearl
Me too, I could do with some excitement.

Billy.
Well don't look at me love.

Pearl
Cheeky.

HIPPODROME HEIGHTS. 8AM

THE STING.

Billy
Everybody ready? I bags be Robert Redford.

Charles.
OK, I'll be Paul Newman, Pearl?

Pearl
Nobody, I'm not playing silly buggers.

THE GANG ARE STOOD OUTSIDE FIRST SHOP

Charles
Pearl, you go down the street a bit,
Are you ready Billy?........ Let's go.

CHARLES ENTERS SHOP.

Charles
I say old bean.............

EVERYTHING GOES EXACTLY TO PLAN.
THE GANG MEET DOWN THE STREET

Billy sings
Something tells me I'm into something good.

AS CHARLES SUCCESSFULLY LEAVES THE FIFTH SHOP.
HE IS SURROUNDED BY FOUR VERY LARGE ASIAN MEN.

Big Asian man
I own this shop mate and you just mugged me.

Charles
I'm very sorry but I don't know what you are talking about.

Big Asian man
I don't know how you did it but you have robbed me

Charles
If you don't know how I did whatever I'm supposed to have done,
What makes you think I've robbed you?

Big Asian man
I visit my shops every day, you can't trust anybody these days, not even your own cousin,the little git, he tells me a story about two fake twenty pound notes finding their way into my till, so I gives him a slap, you can do that with relatives.
But then I go to my next shop and would you adam and eve it, same jackanory.
Then the third shop, then the fourth,and now this one.
You robbed all my shops and I want to know how.

Charles
Are you going to call the police?

Big Asian man
The old bill? Nah, I dish out my own justice, now here's the deal.
You're an old un, give me my money back, come back into the shop and show me how you do it,
And you can be on your way.

CHARLES ACCEPTS THE FUTILITY OF HIS SITUATION,GOES BACK INTO SHOP AND
DEMONSTRATES THE TRICK.

Charles
I worked on the music halls of long ago as a magician.

CHARLES ARRIVES AT HIPPODROME HEIGHTS IN A LARGE LIMOUSINE
DRIVEN BY A LARGE ASIAN MAN.

Charles
See you later Amir

Billy
You OK mate, any cops involved?

Charles
Couldn't be better .

Billy
Who was that who just dropped you off?

Charles
Every shop we robbed belonged to him, how's that for bad luck.

Billy
How's that for foolproof?

Pearl
So definitely no police.

Charles
Not only did he not call the police
He booked me for a family do.

Excellent stuff, Im loving this, and again I say Id love to see it acted out, as I think with the right actors, the characters you've created would be funny to watch, and the older age group is a nice nichethat's not really done much, there are probably some others but I can't think of anything since Last of the Summer wine.

Thanks-you for your kind words. Last of the Summer Wine is exactly the audience I had in mind, mildly humourous,nothing to shocking.
A long time friend of mine has moved to my area, and is now running a local amateur dramatics group.He asked me to join.I said no but showed him Hippodrome Heights. He has asked me to write a stage script.I haven't a clue but I'll have go. Apparently Am Drams all over the country are desperate for short plays, so try your local Am Dram.
Thanks again.

I'd do it Jerf it's a great way to hear your work and see it in front of an audience. Nothing better than sitting in an audience laughing at your work - if it is a comedy mind

And hearing other people laugh at your work

Quote: Marc P @ March 27 2011, 3:02 PM BST

if it is a comedy mind

View original

I really hope you go for it Jerf, Id certainly be a bum on a seat

BILLY, CHARLES AND GEORGE SIMPSON, AN EX VENTRILOQUIST, ARE AT THE SAME TABLE WAITING FOR BREAKFAST. GEORGE HAS ONSET OF SENILE DEMENTIA, HE HAS BROUGHT HIS PUPPET GADDAFI WITH HIM.

CHARLES
You're very topical George.

GEORGE
I was topical the first time he was a nuisance, Gaddafi that is.
Television ruined my act you know.

BILLY
You mean the camera could see your lips move

GEORGE
True enough, I could get away with it from the back of the stage.

BILLY
Mine ended with political correctness, no more, wogs,spades, micks or jocks.
Looking back I suppose they were pretty pathetic.

GEORGE
And then the wife left me after forty years.

BILLY
Upset was she?

GEORGE
I became impotent.

BILLY
You'll always be important to me George.

GEORGE
Impotent, you fool.
I blame her hairy wart you know.

BILLY
Please I'm about to have my breakfast.

CHARLES
Hairy wart, am I going to regret asking?

GEORGE
On her chin, when we were young she kept it clipped, a dab of foundation,
couldn't see it during the jolly old conjugals so to speak.
Then she let herself go and the thing grew a lot of hairs, put me off me stroke as it were.

BILLY
I heard she could creosote a fence with it.

CHARLES
They say that men make love with their eyes.

BILLY
Only if they've got eyes like organ stops.

Charles
So anything puts them off, except teenagers of course, I remember a time when I couldn't
get rid of the horn,

BILLY
So do I, happy days.

CHARLES
Men have to attain a certain anatomical disposition

BILLY
You mean we have to have the pop-corn.

CHARLES
Exactly, with women, it's dob of KY gell and bob's your uncle.

BILLY
And.....Is that a cobweb up there on the ceiling. I 've had about eight wives.

CHARLES
Eight,,,, about?

BILLY
Not mine, other peoples Ah, brekkers, thank-you Mrs Jones, looks almost
good enough to eat.

CHARLES
And are you still,,,,?

GEORGE
No, got cured.

CHARLES
I didn't know doctors could cure it

GEORGE
I was cured by an expert, Svetlana, a nineteen year old Bulgarian girl.
She was a carer, went round old folks homes, a bit of cooking a bit of ironing,
a bit of this, a bit of that.

BILLY
And a bit of the other it seems.

GEORGE
Correct. I met her at a mate of mine's sheltered flat, he made himself scarce
and I introduced myself.

BILLY
Not the only thing you introduced I presume.

GEORGE
Well no, not exactly.

PEARL ENTERS ROOM AND SITS WITH THE BOYS.

GEORGE.

Morning Pearl, how are you?

BILLY
Never mind about that, morning Pearl, what about Sweaty Lana.

GEORGE
Men talk, not in front of the lady thank-you.

PEARL
Don't worry George, I'm no prude. Me and my late hubby were both sexually
quite adventurous.

BILLY
Please love, let me finish me fried eggs first?

PEARL
Being a contortionist, I could get into some quite interesting positions.
He liked me to put both ankles at the back of my neck

CHARLES
If you mean in the nude, please don't tell me anymore.

PEARL
Yes in the nude,

CHARLES
I bet that was a sight for sore eyes.

BILLY
That reminds me, I must post my football pools.

PEARL
Go on George, you won't shock me.

GEORGE
Where was I?

BILLY
You were introducing something to Svetlana.

GEORGE
Ah yes, she said ,do you want me to iron you a shirt, I said, well,no,not really.
She said, Would you like me to cook you a stew, I said, well no, not really.
She said, would you like to make love to me. I said, that's what I would like to do.
And was about to go on to explain why I couldn't. but didn't get that far.
She just took off her mini-skirt, she hadn't got a stitch of clothing underneath.
I must have been staring, she started laughing.
She said, I have rule with old man, no kissing, so you not be tempered, she meant tempted,
I turn around, which she did, and bend over back of sofa, which she did.
And I was cured, which I was.

BILLY
So you didn't actually,,,,,,,

GEORGE
No, but I was very happy to know I was still in working order.
She asked me if I was OK, I said yes, although there was no physical hows your father,
you know, she'd have to charge me something 'cause it was her job., I was embarrassed and wanted
her to go.

BILLY
So she went before she'd come, so to to speak. Where was Gaddali?

GEORGE
I'd left him at home.

BILLY
Thank God for that, my imagination was running wild for a moment.

GEORGE
She charged me a fiver, which I thought was good value, considering she took away
my trousers to have 'em dry- cleaned.

CHARLES AND BILLY IN UNISON

Is she still about?

GEORGE
She married some old bloke on the understanding that when he kicked the bucket
she'd inherit the house.

CHARLES
If you've nobody else ,sounds a good idea.

GEORGE
Not for him it wasn't, she's in prison on remand.
Appparently she's poisoned him to death.

SOME INMATES, AS THEY REFER TO THEMSELVES, ARE SAT BY THE FIRESIDE. THEY HEAR THE CAR DROPPING CHARLES BACK.

THE GIG.

CHARLES
Good-night Amir and thanks for the lift.

BILLY
Co'mon, you're late, where have you been, how'd it go?

CHARLES
Give me a chance to take my coat off, what do you mean I'm late, who are you, my mother? As a matter of fact it was probably the best gig I've ever done. The family,about thirty of them,cheered every trick.

BILLY
Did you get paid?

CHARLES
Eighty quid pie and mash, the finest Ruby Murray on God's earth, and three more Trevor Brookings.

PEARL
Are you speaking in tongues?

CHARLES
No, that's Amir speak.

BILLY
Three bookings, anything for me do you think?

CHARLES
Sorry mate but I don't think your ancient jokes would work where I've just been.

BILLY
Must go on the internet, get an Asian act together.

CHARLES
And I got a date.

BILLY
An Asian babe, what's she like, prick and Guinness you hope.

CHARLES
She's alright, a bit meaty, well, obese really, but a nice person.

GEORGE
What age is she?

CHARLES
Late thirties

BILLY
So, she's past her sell-by date and massive. This has been your lucky week, robs a shop and gets away with it, ends up with a bloody good gig and an Asian continent that might go a bit.

CHARLES
Might go a bit? That's the woman I love sir.

BILLY
You are trying to defend her honour, which is more than she ever did. boom boom. Groucho Marx, Duck Soup. But are you up to the job old boy? With the accent on old.It would be a shame if the only thing you got up was your hopes.

CHARLES
I must admit, I am worried, it is big, I didn't want to jeopardise the gig situation.

PEARL
Can you pathetic men hear yourselves . The woman is not an it, she has a name.
What is it Charles?

CHARLES
Rita

PEARL
That's an unusual Muslim name, how did she get that, did she say?

CHARLES
Her father was a fan of Rita....

PEARL
Hayworth?

CHARLES
No, Fairclough from Coronation Street.I'm off to bed, goodnight everybody.