Sorry to add to the already large list of sitcom mission entries but any feedback from you good people would be brilliant.
1.INT. GANGSTER LAYER. DAY
(THREE GANGSTERS: ARCHIE 'CAN-DO' SPENCE, MICKEY 'CHOPPER' MCGLINCHEY AND VINCE 'FROGS LEGS' NOIR. THERE IS ALSO A MAN (REFERRED TO THROUGHOUT AS NONCE) TIED TO A CHAIR. HE STRUGGLES A LITTLE. ARCHIE IS ON THE PHONE. THERE IS ALSO A SWEAR BOX ON A TABLE.)
ARCHIE
(ON PHONE)
Yes Harry. I have The Nonce here. Don't worry, I've got my two boys Mickey and Vince with me. We're about to show him the error of his ways. (LISTENS FOR A FEW SECONDS) No, I won't forget about the swear box. No Harry, it's not clever. Yes Harry, it's not big neither.
(ARCHIE FLIPS THE PHONE SHUT.)
ARCHIE
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Who's been a cheeky rascal with Harry Lamb's monkey flippin' money?
(THEY ALL GIVE HIM A FUNNY LOOK.)
ARCHIE
Oh, I should just say from the off that we're still using the swear box so...
VINCE
Merde.
MICKEY
Arse Parcels.
ARCHIE
Guys... Guys... I know, it's a bit awkward but, you know, it's Harry's idea. He thinks it's unbecoming and a little uncouth so... you know, just deal with it.
NONCE
Can I swear?
ARCHIE
No. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Harry's money.
NONCE
I keep telling you, I don't know nothing about no plan to nick nothing.
(ARCHIE SLOWLY SAUNTERS OVER TOWARDS THE NONCE)
ARCHIE
And here's me thinking that I was going to have an easy day. But no, I have to come all the way out to this blinking cold, damp warehouse. I'm not a happy man. So let's just make this quick and simple, yeah? Where's Harry's money, you... twonk?
NONCE
What money? Please, I don't know anything about no money.
ARCHIE
(POINTING TO MICKEY)
You see him? Do you know who he is?
NONCE
Em...no.
ARCHIE
That's Mickey 'Chopper' McGlinchey. He's widely regarded to be the most mental man in Glasgow. Have you any idea how mental you need to be to be widely regarded as the most mental man in Glasgow? That's off the scale mental. That's well into the red on the mental gauge.
MICKEY
(GLASWIGIAN ACCENT)
How you doing, mate?
ARCHIE
(POINTING AT VINCE)
This is Vince 'Frogs Legs' Noir. Don't be fooled by the exterior. Beneath that cool, calm, well dressed, sophisticated, reserved exterior... lies a soulless Frenchman.
VINCE
(OVER THE TOP FRENCH ACCENT)
Bonjour. (VINCE GAZE DRIFTS SKYWARD.) Le singe est dans l'arbre.
(ARCHIE, MICKEY AND THE NONCE LOOK AT WHERE VINCE IS STARING.)
ARCHIE
Anyway, at the risk of repeating myself... where is Harry's fudging money?
NONCE
Are you sure you have the right man? I don't even know who Harry Lamb is.
ARCHIE
Oh dear. Looks like The Nonce is going to take a bit of persuading. Looks like Mickey is going to be needing his big bag of tricks.
NONCE
Oh God no. No please.
MICKEY
Excellent.
(MICKEY LIFTS A SMALL BAG AND PUTS IN ON A TABLE. HE OPENS IT UP. ARCHIE LEANS DOWN SO THAT HIS FACE IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE NONCE)
ARCHIE
One thing you should know about Mickey. When he was 11, he asked his mum to buy him Scalectrixs for Christmas. Mickey so desperately wanted Scalectrixs but his mum, who wasn't that clued up on these things, ended up getting Total Control Racing by mistake...
(ARCHIE AND VINCE SHAKE THEIR HEADS)
MICKEY
(ANGRY SCREAM)
TCR.
ARCHIE
...which as we all know was something of a cheap imitation of Scalectrixs and...
MICKEY
(ANGRY SCREAM)
IT WAS A BIT DIFFERENT.
ARCHIE
...well let's just say that it was a disappointing Christmas for Mickey. Not even buckaroo and kerplunk could make up this crushing disappointment. As a result Mickey chopped his family up into little pieces and fed them to the next door neighbour's dog. To be fair, I think even Mickey recognises this to be a slight over reaction.
(MICKEY GESTURES A SLIGHTLY PATHETIC SMILE)
ARCHIE
But growing up without any parents has left Mickey with some trust issues.
MICKEY
Serious trust issues.
ARCHIE
And also more than a little bit psychologically unbalanced.
MICKEY
Completely Radio Rental.
(ARCHIE MOVE A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE NONCE)
ARCHIE
I guess you know why they call him 'chopper'.
NONCE
(THINKING)
Em... Is it... Em... Is it because he ended up getting a Rally Chopper to make up for the disappointment of the scalectrixs?
ARCHIE
What? No, it's not that. I can see where you were going with that, but no.
NONCE
Oh I know...is it after Billy Chopper Harrison who played for Man United back in 1964...
ARCHIE
Look, were you actually paying attention to what I was saying to you a minute ago?
NONCE
Is it a sexual reference?
ARCHIE
They call him 'chopper' because he loves chopping people into tiny little pieces. It's his speciality.
NONCE
Of course. It seems a little obvious now that you say it.
MICKEY
Can we start now?
ARCHIE
That's entirely up to him, isn't it?
(MICKEY TAKES A LARGE, WOODEN SPANKING PADDLE OUT OF THE BAG)
MICKEY
Oh yes. That's what I'm talking about.
NONCE
Oh god, wait.
ARCHIE
Where's Harry Lamb's money, you...(THINKS) twuntflap?
(MICKEY SHAKE HIS HEAD AND PUTS THE PADDLE BACK INTO THE BAG AND TAKES OUT A LARGE, RUBBER, FIST ENDED DILDO. HE WAVES IT ABOUT LIKE A CLUB A FEW TIMES. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND PUTS IT BACK INTO THE BAG.)
NONCE
Jesus Christ. Is that a...
ARCHIE
So, last chance... Where's Harry's motherflipin money you ...(THINKS)...funting tunk?
NONCE
Please. I can't tell you if I don't know.
ARCHIE
Fine. OK Mickey, cut something off.
MICKEY
Excellent. So do you want something big, like a head, or something small like a finger?
ARCHIE
I think a finger will probably do for now.
MICKEY
It's just that I've been practicing with the sword and I've got this really cool samurai move were I stand at the side and ...
(HE DOES A SWEEPING SWORD MOVEMENT AND LETS OUT A BRUCE LEE SCREAM. THE SCREAM LINGERS FOR A GOOD FEW SECONDS. HE THEN MIMES A HEAD BEING CUT OF, FALLING ON THE FLOOR AND BOUNCING A FEW TIMES. HE THEN MIMES THE SPURT OF BLOOD COMING OUT OF THE OPENED NECK.)
ARCHIE
Right. So you think we should start torturing him by cleanly and quickly decapitating him.
MICKEY
(STILL MIMING THE BLOOD)
Too messy?
ARCHIE
Just use the secateurs.
MICKEY
(LOOKING IN THE BAG)
Not sure I brought the secateurs.
ARCHIE
(DISAPPOINTED)
No Secateurs.
MICKEY
Sorry, no. Sorry.
ARCHIE
What do you have?
MICKEY
I've got hedge sheers, a trowel, and a small rake.
ARCHIE
What about wire cutters?
MICKEY
(LOOKING IN BAG)
Sorry, no wire cutters. I've got pliers and a monkey wrench. And I've also got a screwdriver, but that's in case the handle fall off the bag again.
ARCHIE
What about one of those things they use in offices to cut big piles of paper?
MICKEY
(LOOKING IN BAG)
No. I have a hole punch, a stapler and a laminator.
ARCHIE
OK, surely you have one of those small guillotines for cutting of the end of cigars?
MICKEY
Why would I have one of those? I don't smoke cigars.
ARCHIE
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Twatsack.
MICKEY/VINCE/NONCE
Swear box.
ARCHIE
Oh for f...
(HE TAKES MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT IN THE SWEAR BOX. AS HE DOES, THE PHONE RINGS AND HE ANSWERS IT)
ARCHIE
(INTO PHONE)
Hello. Hello Harry. No, not yet but we were just going to start torturing him. I see... I see... OK... OK... Will do.
(ARCHIE ENDS HIS CALL. HE DOES NOT CLOSE THE FLIP PHONE. INSTEAD HE STARES AT IT.)
ARCHIE
Well... that was interesting. It seems that Harry was out on a fishing trip with Sammy 'Two Teeth' Nutman and Jack 'Eyes In The Back Of His Head' Johnston when they bumped into John 'No Nickname' Brown and Frankie 'Balls Deep' O'Donnell and... well, to cut a long story short, Harry's been walking around with the money in the hood of his jacket for the past 3 days, so...
(MICKEY AND VINCE LOOK AT EACH OTHER. MICKEY DISAPPOINTEDLY DROPS THE EGG WHISK THAT HE IS HOLDING INTO THE BAG. VINCE RUBS HIS EYES UNDERNEATH HIS SUNGLASSES. ARCHIE CONTINUES TO STARE AT HIS PHONE.)
VINCE
(OVER THE TOP FRENCH ACCENT)
Sacré bleu!
(ARCHIE STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE.)
ARCHIE
Boy... this is awkward.
2.INT.HARRY'S DOMICILE. DAY
(HARRY SITS AT HIS DESK. ARCHIE ENTERS, CARRYING THE SWEAR BOX. HARRY GETS UP AND GREETS HIM WITH A GANGSTERY CLASP OF THE CHEEKS.)
HARRY
Archie my boy.
ARCHIE
Harry.
HARRY
How's the swear box coming along.
(ARCHIE SHAKES IT. IT SOUNDS QUITE FULL)
HARRY
Sounds quite full. That's quite a bit of swearing.
ARCHIE
To be fare, most of this was put in by The Nonce once we'd told him there had been a mistake.
HARRY
Would you care to partake in a little Scotch n' ice?
ARCHIE
Don't mind if I do, Harry.
(HARRY POURS SOME WHISKEY OUT OF A DECANTER INTO A GLASS AND HANDS IT TO ARCHIE. HE THEN PICKS UP HIS OWN GLASS WHICH IS ALREADY FULL.)
HARRY
(POINTING AT ARCHIE'S GLASS)
30 year old singe malt from the isle of Scotland. Cask strength. You can't beat it. Put hairs on your chest. It's good to be able to appreciate the finer things in life, like a good whiskey... or a good woman.
(ARCHIE TAKES THE GLASS AND SMELLS THE WHISKY)
ARCHIE
Bit of a nutty smell.
HARRY
Have you ever been in love, Archie?
ARCHIE
(SUPICIOUSLY)
Why do you ask?
HARRY
I have. I never told you this story but I was in love a long time ago. It was a complicated love though. I was 23 and she was 15. Kathy her name was. Beautiful. Clever. Funny. Everything a man could want and more. But, as I said, she was only 15. I guess you could call it the love that daren't speak its name.
ARCHIE
That name being Paedophilia?
HARRY
If you want to put a label on it. Of course back then that sort of thing was frowned upon.
ARCHIE
Actually, it's still kind of...
HARRY
Her parents were furious. Had me arrested. Charge with indecent conduct. Through the book at me. I ended up doing a 2 year stretch, and that was my first foray into the murky world of criminality. As you can imagine with a crime such as mine, I got such a hard time in jail. You wouldn't believe the names they called me. Some really rude and horrible names. So I fought back, didn't I. I killed 3 cons in my first year. That got me an extra 20 stretch.
ARCHIE
Political correctness gone mad, Harry.
HARRY
I know. But do you what kept me going?
(ARCHIE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS)
HARRY
Love. Kathy's love kept me going. She wrote every day. Visited every week. She would bake me beautiful cakes and write lovely messages in the icing. She was my rock. My soul mate. For 20 years she stood by me. Then finally, when my time was over, she was there waiting for me at the gate.
ARCHIE
That's a beautiful story, Harry. What happened to her?
HARRY
The years hadn't been kind to her so...
(HE GESTURES THAT HE ELBOWED HER)
ARCHIE
(SLIGHTLY CONFUSED)
Right. OK.
HARRY
Man she's got fat.
ARCHIE
Right.
HARRY
She clearly had a one cake for me and two for her policy. My point is, if you are going to fall in love, make sure she's young and fit. (MUMBLING) 20 years I gave up for that fat, clingy bitch.
(LOUISA ENTERS THE ROOM. SHE IS YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE. SHE IS CONCENTRATING ON TYPING A MESSAGE INTO HER PHONE.)
HARRY
Louisa. How are you my love?
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP SHE HOLDS OUT A HAND TO STOP HARRY SPEAKING)
LOUISA
SSSHHHHH. Concentrating.
HARRY
She's always playing with that contraption.
(THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS)
LOUISA
OK. (PRESSING THE SEND BUTTON ON HER PHONE) Send. (LOOKING UP AND WITH AN INSINCERE SMILE) Hi Harrykins, Hi Archie.
ARCHIE
(ACKNOWLEDGING)
Louisa.
(ARCHIE'S PHONE BLEEPS. HE TAKES IT OUT AND LOOKS AT IT.)
HARRY
I was just saying to Archie here, my love, that you keep me young. It's like we're both teenagers again.
LOUISA
What do you mean again? I am a teenager.
ARCHIE
(READING MESSAGE ON PHONE)
Em... What?
(ARCHIE BEGINS TYPING A MESSAGE INTO HIS PHONE)
HARRY
I meant both of us. Like... You know, me as well.
LOUISA
Are you not like 80 or something?
HARRY
I'm 63.
LOUISA
My gran isn't even 63. My gran is 61. She's got a poo bag on a belt. Gross.
HARRY
Yeah, you keep saying.
(ARCHIE END TYPING AND PUTS HIS PHONE BACK IN TO HIS POCKET)
ARCHIE
Man, its beautiful watching you two love birds. It's like Romeo and Juliet.
LOUISA
Who?
ARCHIE
Sorry, I meant David and Victoria.
HARRY
Who?
(AWKWARD LULL. LOUISA'S PHONE BLEEPS. SHE TAKES IT OUT AND LOOKS AT IT.)
LOUISA
Oh for God sake.
(SHE STARTS TO TYPE INTO HER PHONE.)
HARRY
There she goes again. I've no idea who all these stupid messages are for.
(HARRY WANDERS OVER AND SITS DOWN BEHIND HIS DESK. HE TAKES A LARGE DRINK FROM HIS GLASS.)
HARRY
You know, in her own, child like way, Louisa has a point. I am getting on a bit.
ARCHIE
Not at all Harry. You're still king of this patch.
HARRY
I'm afraid it is true. I'm not the man I used to be, Archie. Age has finally caught up with me. You see, I went to see my doctor the other day. I'd been having funny turns and... best be on the safe side.
ARCHIE
Nothing serious Harry?
HARRY
Nothing life threatening, no. But he did diagnose one thing. Took me a bit by surprise.
ARCHIE
Diagnosed?
HARRY
Yeah. Strange one. You see, for some time now I've been experiencing some... episodes.
LOUISA
(SENDING MESSAGE)
Send.
ARCHIE
Episodes?
HARRY
Yeah. Do you know what it has turned out to be?
ARCHIE
What?
HARRY
Well, apparently I have developed...
(HARRY DRAMATICALLY SLUMPS FORWARD ONTO HIS DESK IN A HEAP. A FEW SECONDS OF STILLNESS)
ARCHIE
Is he dead?
LOUISA
Should be. I put enough cyanide in his whiskey to drop a horny elephant.
ARCHIE
So it's done. Harry's rain has come to an end.
LOUISA
Sure has.
ARCHIE
I love you.
LOUISA
I love you too. Hey, lets prop him up and stick a cigar up him nose.
ARCHIE
Ha. (MUMBLING) crazy bitch.
(ARCHIE DOWNS HIS WHISKEY IN A ONE. ARCHIE'S PHONE BLEEPS. HE TAKES IT OUT AND CHECKS THE MESSAGE.)
ARCHIE
I'm sorry but I still don't understand a word of this. What does 'DNT DRK WKS smiley face lol' mean? You know I don't do text speak.
LOUISA
Well obviously it means don't drink the whiskey. Dnk - don't, drk - drink, wks - whiskey, smiley face...
(SOMETHING BEGINS TO DAWN ON HER. SHE BEGINS TO STARE AT ARCHIE'S WHISKY GLASS. ARCHIE HOLDS THE GLASS OUT IN FRONT OF HIM AND LOOKS AT IT.)
LOUISA
...lol - laugh... Out... Loud...I always end with that.
ARCHIE
You only poisoned his glass... right?
LOUISA
Em... Well no. I put in the ...em... What's it called?
ARCHIE
Decanter?
LOUISA
Yes. The decanter. Wasn't that the plan?
(HARRY BOLTS UPRIGHT IN HIS CHAIR)
HARRY
... Narcolepsy. Would you believe it...he diagnosed me with narcolepsy. At my age? Bloody sleeping disorder. At my age! Told me to stay of the drink as well. That's why I'm having to drink this fowl stuff... Irn Bru. Those bloody Scots... Only they could invent something this fowl. Looks a bit like whiskey but tastes like urine... which also, ironically, looks a bit like whiskey.
(ARCHIE SLOWLY PUTS THE GLASS ON HARRY'S DESK. HE TAKES OUT A BUNDLE OF PAPER MONEY FROM HIS POCKET AND STICKS IT IN THE SWEAR BOX)
ARCHIE
Ahhhhh... Cockermouth.
HARRY
Was I out long? Did I miss anything?
END:
