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(edited by zooo, too many f**king 'o's buggered the page up)
Butchers gaze two, the idiot strikes back
I found that to be hilarious Teddy, absolutely hilarious 
Hi Teddy,
I think you can write funny all right. Very funny. I really enjoyed this script from start to finish and think it works as a stand alone one-off piece or the characters could easily sustain a series. And a nice situation backdrop for their business too.
I soon forgot about (annoying at first) nearly every speech having directions in parenthesis, I think actors call them Rileys, and they really aren't needed. The tone of each speech leaps out from the dialogue alone and the characters are great. Your demolition of British motorway services is one of the funniest pieces I've read in ages.
I loved the farce elements too. Very reminiscent of Fawlty Towers among other things.
I think I picked up somewhere else on another thread that you knocked 4 of these out on a fortnight? Bloody good going mate and more power to your elbow.
Sure there are mistakes on this but only in spelling and presentation. The quality of the writing shines through and with a week to proofread, polish and format correctly this would be almost good to go.
Best comedy script I think that I've read on here.
Well done mate.
I would just love to see a series with these two characters. About time we got something decent/funny on the box. Good luck 
I read up until about half way. I'm afraid it didn't do anything for me and I didn't find it funny. It seems like one long joke about the cost of motorway service stations and reads like a long piece of banter that just goes back and forth continuously. I was waiting for a story or plot to kick in but for me I could not detect it. There is only so much 'he said, he replied' I could manage before I had to give up. I'm sorry.
Other people do seem to like it though so it could simply be that I, as a reader, do not click with your work style. The above are obviously my personal thoughts and are not intended to be rude in any way.
Def.
Quote: Deferenz @ March 25 2011, 4:43 PM GMTI read up until about half way. I'm afraid it didn't do anything for me and I didn't find it funny. It seems like one long joke about the cost of motorway service stations and reads like a long piece of banter that just goes back and forth continuously. I was waiting for a story or plot to kick in but for me I could not detect it. There is only so much 'he said, he replied' I could manage before I had to give up. I'm sorry.
Other people do seem to like it though so it could simply be that I, as a reader, do not click with your work style. The above are obviously my personal thoughts and are not intended to be rude in any way.
Def.
To me, Deferenz the plot is whether they get to do the kitchen or not. I belly-laughed most of the way through it but as we all know comedy is subjective but I wonder many, many times is it a north/south divide; I think it is and that's my downfall too 
Quote: bushbaby @ March 25 2011, 5:26 PM GMTTo me, Deferenz the plot is whether they get to do the kitchen or not. I belly-laughed most of the way through it but as we all know comedy is subjective but I wonder many, many times is it a north/south divide; I think it is and that's my downfall too
I think Teddy can write quite well, it's just that it doesn't gel for me. It doesn't mean the piece cannot work for anyone else. To you something was happening, to me there wasn't. Different strokes and all that. I still wish Teddy the best of luck though even if my opinion differs to his and everyone else.
Incidently I lived in Birmingham for 20 years and Sussex for 20 years so I do 'get' the divide. When I first moved 'down south' it felt like I'd entered a different country with a whole new set of rules.
Def.
Quote: Deferenz @ March 25 2011, 5:45 PM GMTI think Teddy can write quite well, it's just that it doesn't gel for me. It doesn't mean the piece cannot work for anyone else. To you something was happening, to me there wasn't. Different strokes and all that. I still wish Teddy the best of luck though even if my opinion differs to his and everyone else.
Incidently I lived in Birmingham for 20 years and Sussex for 20 years so I do 'get' the divide. When I first moved 'down south' it felt like I'd entered a different country with a whole new set of rules.
Def.
How dare you class Birmingham as northern, we wouldn't have you. How rude.
Just kidding Deferenz....and that's northern humour; would be insulting to others, some just wouldn't get it.
I removed the post as I felt you might not be amused even with the smiley face. I have tried to give you some advice, you don't want to hear it. Fair enough. Glad you like my formatting skills and like I said on a number of occasions best of luck with it all. SorryI wasn't any use to you.
Marc
I removed it before you posted Teddy and I was genuinely trying to be helpful to you all along. I wasn't offended. But took down the reply because I feared you may be.
As you can see I'm still here and ready to reply.
There is a line in the film 'The Outlaw Josey Wales' which I find very apt given the circumastances.
"Don't piss down my back and tell me its raining"
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 26 2011, 10:21 AM GMTI did not put it up to have the pros and cons of a quasi lower middle class bourgeoisie pendant pick out every misplaced comma without ever offering a word either way on the actual comedy.
pedant*
I read the first part of your post, but didn't find it funny.
A professional might well give you the feedback:
'Show not Tell - rather than make a character or characters tell what happened, far better to show the incident dramatically'
Eh!Eh Eh! Keym down now lads, keym down!
Teddy, it's the sentiment not the characters or their home I'm alluding to here. OK?
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I don't think Marc's *too* bitter or lacking in skill, to be fair. He's not doing too badly. Is it his third or fourth novel out this summer?
But anyway, hopefully this can all blow over now. Teddy, I hope you'll be back when it does. Perhaps after your meeting, you can tell us all how it went.