Thanks Sean. Im definitely going to read more. I think Im actually more motivated than ever as a result of this.
Deferenz - thanks alot for your comments, really appreciated. Ive added the full 15 min script (with spaces, as it doesn't paste very well from word!) as I still can't work out how to attach PDF etc. I would be very thankful for your feedback definitely. I think this forum really helps. Thanks again everyone.
The Good, the Bad and Dave
Episode 2: How long can this colon?
Written by
Phil Gray and Bruce Moffett
SCENE 1. INT. JOB CENTRE - DAY 1
LIGHTS FADE IN.
CENTRE STAGE THERE IS A TABLE WITH FOUR CHAIRS. DAVE IS SAT OPPOSITE HIS DOLE OFFICER, MARCY, WHO HAS HER HEAD DOWN LOOKING THROUGH SOME FILES.
ALSO SAT AT THE TABLE IS CAL AND KENNY. THEY REPRESENT BOTH SIDES TO DAVE'S CONSCIENCE.
THEY ARE PLAYING WITH DAVE'S JOB PRINTOUTS.
CAL:
Salary?
KENNY:
£12,000 plus per annum.
CAL:
£14,500. Ha, smell it. My win.
KENNY:
Cal, the plus sign clearly indicates future potential earnings. Let's call that one a draw.
CAL:
This is job centre top trumps Kenny. There is no potential whatsoever. So smell it, my win.
MARCY:
Well David, as I thought, pathetic as usual.
SHE LOOKS UP.
MARCY:
And although it's a stab in the face to listen to you, I want you to tell me why you were fired from the kitchen job? Did you finger a blancmange?
CAL:
No but he put his third leg in a lasagne.
DAVE: (TO CAL)
I did not! Listen, Marcy, they fired me over nothing. I simply ate something from the kitchen and threw up. Okay, it didn't help that it was all over the chef's face but...I didn't lose the job on purpose. Stress and bad scallops are a bad combination.
MARCY:
Ha! Stress? You don't know the meaning of the word. Try dealing with a blind bloke who every day demands a job as a crane operative.
DAVE:
I have stress. I've a blocked drainpipe to prove it.
KENNY:
Well we should ring a plumber!
CAL:
He means a blocked rectum.
MARCY:
David, I'm forced to find you a job, not a laxative. Don't forget, a social lemon like you can't afford to throw away jobs like these.
DAVE:
Yes...I know. So what have you got for me then?
MARCY:
Mostly contempt but I suppose I'll find you a job...
SHE LOOKS THROUGH HER FILES.
KENNY:
Oh let me guess. Is it a curator within an art gallery overseeing the works of genii such as Bacon, Blake and Hockney?
MARCY:
...Bar work. In a late night venue in town.
CAL:
Please say it's a strip joint.
MARCY:
The Devil's Punchbowl. Interested?
KENNY:
Sounds like a hoot.
DAVE:
Oh why ever not? Give it here. Good bye.
DAVE GRABS THE PAPERS AND CAL AND KENNY FOLLOW HIM. THEY EXIT STAGE LEFT.
MARCY:
Yes, see you in hell. Ha ha. Marcy you are wicked.
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 2. INT. DEVIL'S PUNCHBOWL - NIGHT 1
LIGHTS FADE IN.
STAGE LEFT, DAVE, CAL AND KENNY ARE STOOD CLEANING GLASSES. DAVE IS THROWING NUTS INTO HIS MOUTH.
STAGE RIGHT THE MALE BOSS OF THE BAR IS ARGUING WITH A WAITRESS AROUND A TABLE.
CAL:
God, I'm so bored. If we can't masturbate at least let's play top trumps with crisp packets?
KENNY:
Alternatively we could strike up a riveting debate?
DAVE:
Do you think nuts will help motivate my sphincter?
KENNY:
Not...quite what I had in mind David, but -
STAGE RIGHT, THE BOSS STARTS BEING AGGRESSIVE TOWARDS THE WAITRESS.
DAVE:
Whoa, what do you think that's about?
KENNY:
Perhaps he disagrees with the way she is displaying her coasters?
CAL:
Why, is she not wearing a bra?
DAVE:
Regardless, he's the boss; he shouldn't act like that.
CAL:
Do something then Dave. Tell him he's a bastard.
DAVE:
You think? I should - nah, it's best to stay out of it -
DAVE/CAL: (SHOUTING)
- Aye bastard!
THE BOSS HEARS THE OUTBURST AND WALKS OVER TO DAVE.
KENNY:
Oh dear Lord.
DAVE:
What did you do that for Cal?!
CAL:
Erm, that was you.
BOSS:
Did you say something new boy?
DAVE:
No nothing, it wasn't me.
BOSS:
Well it was, because you're the only person working behind the bar. Did you call me a bastard?
CAL:
I think he may punch you.
DAVE: (TO CAL)
Yeah because you're an idiot!
BOSS:
Is that right? Let me just warn you I have a huge problem with a bloke who has a cocky mouth.
KENNY:
Huh, what a homophobe.
DAVE:
No, no, I don't. I just thought you were, erm, I don't know, a bit aggressive with your staff.
THE WAITRESS INTERRUPTS.
WOMAN:
Guys, listen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any trouble.
BOSS:
No, no it's fine. I'm taking you off tables anyway; you're going behind the bar. I need the staff seeing as he's fired!
DAVE:
You can't do that!
BOSS:
I can. Abuse of company nuts. So take your mouth, finish up and ship out!
THE BOSS EXITS STAGE RIGHT AND THEY ALL REACT.
DAVE:
No way. I can't believe it.
WOMAN:
Oh my God I'm so sorry.
DAVE:
No, no, it's not your fault. I wasn't throwing my nuts in your mouth was I?
KENNY:
Resist yourself Cal.
WOMAN:
But you stood up for me and in a weird way you got me a promotion. (SHE PASSES HIM A BIT OF PAPER). Here, take my number, the name's Julie. I best get back to it or he will fire me too but ring me, I owe you one. See ya.
SHE RUNS OFF AND GIVES DAVE THE 'RING ME' SIGN. SHE EXITS STAGE RIGHT.
PAUSE.
CAL:
Hang on, 'one' what?
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 3. INT.DAVE'S FLAT - DAY 2
LIGHTS FADE IN.
MIDDLE OF THE STAGE, DAVE, CAL AND KENNY ARE SAT AT A TABLE. DAVE'S JACKET IS ON THE BACK OF HIS CHAIR.
DAVE TAKES A FINAL DRINK OF JUICE AND PUTS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE.
CAL:
Anything?
DAVE:
No, nothing. I was sure prune juice would clear out the old back shed.
KENNY:
We have a storage facility in the garden? How marvel -
CAL:
- He means his arse again.
KENNY:
Ah.
CAL:
Dave, why don't we get a curry takeaway? You'll have your pants around your ankles for hours.
DAVE:
What Vindaloo?
CAL:
Well you're not going to crap in the bedroom are you?! Even though it was hilarious last time.
KENNY:
David, how about the Indian...at a restaurant...with Julie? She was rather keen.
CAL:
Keen? Try needy. Before you know it Dave she will have moved in and completely ruined this flat!
A LOUD SMASH CAN BE HEARD.
DAVE:
There goes the living room window. No Cal, Kenny's right; I should ring her. I need to start enjoying life again. 'Carpe diem' and all that.
DAVE DIALS HIS MOBILE.
CAL:
Dave, they don't even do fish!
DAVE:
Ssh, it's ringing. Hello? Hi. Is that Julie? Hi, it's Dave. The guy from the pub yesterday. Yes Dave, the guy with the nuts.
KENNY:
She's a veritable brain box.
DAVE:
I was, erm, wondering whether or not you wanted to go out? Not on your own, no, with me?
CAL:
She's thicker than a BP oil spill.
DAVE:
You would? Sexual. How about the Indian on Park Road? Yeah. Tonight? Okay, why not! Seven o'clock, sure, brilliant, see you then. Bye.
DAVE HANGS UP THE PHONE.
CAL:
Seven? Dave you will have to hurry if you want to knock one out and have a shower as well.
KENNY:
As much as I hate to associate with Cal's lewd hypothesis, I think David you should also take a condom. How about the exotic fruitiness of strawberry? Here.
KENNY GETS OUT A CONDOM AND PUTS IT INTO DAVE'S JACKET POCKET.
DAVE:
Kenny I'm not sure if that's necessary.
CAL:
For once Dave I agree with him, you could get lucky.
KENNY:
He could get Chlamydia!
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 4. INT RESTAURANT - NIGHT 2.
LIGHTS FADE IN.
DAVE IS SAT AT A RESTAURANT TABLE WITH HIS JACKET ON. CAL AND KENNY ARE SAT NEXT TO AN EMPTY SEAT.
KENNY:
A little late yes, but still, she may have relied on the Great British transport system.
CAL:
Oh smell it Kenny, she's not coming. She's out turning tricks on a street corner as we speak.
DAVE:
Kenny, he's right. I could have stayed in trying to relieve myself.
THE WOMAN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT.
KENNY:
Namaste!! Ha, stayed in, my appendix!
DAVE:
Erm, hi there.
WOMAN:
Hello Dave he he.
KENNY:
The word you're looking for David is 'ravishing'.
DAVE RUNS AROUND THE TABLE AND PULLS OUT THE SEAT FOR HER.
WOMAN:
Oh, is someone sat here?
CAL:
I think the word he found is 'numpty'.
DAVE:
No, I, erm, meant for you to take a seat.
THEY BOTH SIT DOWN.
CAL:
Okay Dave, steady, do not mess up the first chat.
DAVE: (TO CAL)
Will you back off?!
WOMAN:
Oh sorry. Am I knocking the table?
DAVE:
No, no...ahem...there's an annoying fly in here.
KENNY:
David, stay calm and simply start the conversation with the first thing that enters your head.
PAUSE.
DAVE:
I really want to try your kebab.
CAL:
Perfect.
WOMAN:
Sorry?
DAVE:
Ahem - the kebab. You really should try the kebab.
WOMAN:
Umm, no, I think I'll have the onion bhajis to begin with. What would you like to start?
CAL:
A quick 'nosh'.
DAVE/KENNY: (TO CAL)
Shut up!
WOMAN:
How rude!
DAVE:
Ha, no, I meant, shut up...onion bhajis? Have anything you want...on me.
KENNY:
We are officially 'in the red'.
WOMAN:
You're willing to pay for me? Awe thanks Dave.
SHE LOOKS AT HER MENU.
CAL:
I knew it Dave, she's a prostitute.
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 5. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 2.
LIGHTS FADE IN.
THE MEAL IS FINISHED AND THEY ARE READY TO PAY.
DAVE:
Oh, I really enjoyed that. Hopefully it will inspire my colon. (PAUSE) So...I'll get the whole bill then?
WOMAN:
Awe Dave thanks. It shows how nice you are when you offer to pay and I'm the one with the job.
DAVE:
No, no, it's my pleasure.
CAL:
Yeah, only if she puts out.
DAVE STARTS RUMMAGING IN HIS JACKET POCKET FOR HIS WALLET.
WOMAN:
Actually, I think you're more than nice. In fact I was wondering - is there a problem?
DAVE:
Erm, ha, God no. I just can't find my wallet. Ha ha.
KENNY:
Rather embarrassing, ha ha.
CAL:
Rather brilliant. Pretend you can't pay.
DAVE:
It's in here somewhere.
DAVE EMPTIES HIS POCKETS ONTO THE TABLE.
WOMAN:
Well, as I was saying, I think you're nice and I was wondering if you wanted to, well, you know -
DAVE:
- Found it! There it is, look, silly wallet, ha.
WOMAN:
Erm, and what is this?
SHE PICKS UP THE CONDOM FROM THE TABLE AND HOLDS IT UP.
CAL:
A hell of a long shot?
DAVE LOOKS AT KENNY WHO SHRUGS.
DAVE:
Erm, well, indeed, yes. What is that - well -
WOMAN:
- It's strawberry...brilliant, I love it! Fancy a bash?
DAVE/KENNY/CAL:
(THEY ALL STAND UP AND RAISE AN ARM TO THE BACK OF THE STAGE)
Waiter!
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 6. INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 2
THE STAGE IS BLACK. WE ONLY HEAR THE CHARACTERS.
KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Roll it up like a turtle neck jumper David.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
But my teat is the wrong way?
CAL: (O.O.V.)
You need to sort out the air in the balloon first Dave if you want to have a party.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
You two are not helping! She'll be back any second. Has no one invented anything to make condoms easy? God!
KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Actually I think he's against them in the first place.
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Coming ready or not?
CAL/KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Not!
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
Erm...yeah one secon - got it. Yes. Ahem, come in.
WE HEAR THE WOMAN ENTER.
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Well hello.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
Well...er, howdy.
CAL: (O.O.V.)
Dave you're not a cowboy.
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Oh good, I see you're ready he he.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
Oh yeah. No thanks to those two.
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Awe, you have nice testicles. Let's test them.
CAL: (O.O.V.)
Go on then Dave!
DAVE: (O.O.V.) (TO CAL)
I will, I will!
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Okay, calm down.
KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Cal leave him alone, he's not a child.
CAL: (O.O.V.)
Good, because that would be very weird.
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Oh Dave.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
Oh Julie.
CAL: (O.O.V.)
Oh Kenny.
KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Pathetic.
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
Oh no God!
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Oh God, yes!
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
No, Julie, no!
WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
Yes Dave yes!
DAVE: (O.O.V.)
No I mean, noooooo!
DAVE LET'S RIP WITH A HUGE LONG FART. HE FINALLY STOPS WITH A FEW SMALL ONES.
KENNY: (O.O.V.)
Unquestionably the winning top trump.
CAL: (O.O.V.)
Yeah I know, smell it! Ha ha!
END OF EPISODE
