ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(edited by zooo to prevent screen stretch)
Anyone fancy having a butchers
I had a butcher's: The dialogue twixt the characters worked OK but, in my opinion, their lines seemed dull and pedestrian. I would say that it needs more punchy humour and dialogue. The look-a-likes in fancy dress is a nice idea.
Who are you showing this to Teddy?
It was a good attempt at the Marc P style which I'm now copying.
Much easier not only to read but also to write. Do you think this is the final re-write. I thought it needed some lines taken out.
I'm no expert and find long passages hard to read.May I suggest breaking the work down into three bits, perhaps with a change of venue in each one.
I agree with Jerf, about breaking it down, and trimming it a fair bit so that the lines are punchier and the pace is pacier. I also think you want to put some stage directions in. It's quite static for quite a while at the beginning. I know it sounds petty but it is important that it looks like a script, it's the first impression anyone gets before they have even read a word. Have a look at the writersroom at the BBC where they have lots of different scripts. The format doesn't really matter for sitcom as long as it is a script format. Good luck with your meeting.
Not a dig but it'd be an idea to get it proof read before you present it as well.
Teddy, you should take out the directions for Geoff to speak camp. You'll be accused of stereotyping. One gleans he's gay further down when he refers to his ex. In the character descriptions, which you will have written, don't describe him as gay 
Camp and gay are two different things. Just because one can glean he is gay from the story doesn't mean that the actor should or will automatically perform him as camp!
If he specifically needs to be camp when he says something I think it's okay to direct that.
I think you are right Zooo, but what I think BB Means is if you have a gay character who is camp then it's a bit of a cliche unless you subvert it somehow - like GGG.
Quote: zooo @ March 25 2011, 11:23 AM GMTCamp and gay are two different things. Just because one can glean he is gay from the story doesn't mean that the actor should or will automatically perform him as camp!
If he specifically needs to be camp when he says something I think it's okay to direct that.
A script of mine was declined for the same reasons Zooo. I'll never get why one can't have 'camp' without being accused of stereotyping, it drives me wild. Same if you put a transvestite in....can one never write about these characters then? aaaaaaaaaaagggghhh
and trust me, I know all about camp gays/gays/transvestites 
Plus it's up to the actor/director to do camp or otherwise
Are you a civil servant?
Quote: Marc P @ March 25 2011, 11:32 AM GMTAre you a civil servant?
it's with being a professional actor in my time, I spent loads of time with all of 'em....love 'em
Quote: Marc P @ March 25 2011, 11:25 AM GMTI think you are right Zooo, but what I think BB Means is if you have a gay character who is camp then it's a bit of a cliche unless you subvert it somehow - like GGG.
Ahh. Fair dos!/dues...
(Anyone know how to actually spell that?)
Quote: zooo @ March 25 2011, 11:32 AM GMTAhh. Fair dos!/dues...
(Anyone know how to actually spell that?)
I'm a fairy and my name's nuff. Fairy Nuff.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ March 25 2011, 11:38 AM GMTThanks for the feedback people, I was contacted after I posted my failure and these guys want to see me and have told me to bring other examples of my work along.
The thing I really need to know is if its funny.
In relation to the lay out etc I would imagine that will be done for me by those in the know, so to that end any comments on content are important
I will put three more up for review, I don't expect everyone to dance to my tune all weekend but any feed back on content you can offer will give me a clue as to what to show these guys.
Cheers
I haven't read all this one Teddy but thought your sitcom that you put up was very funny