Doyle and Pratt - (Sitcom Mission fail)

I already worked out that there's not enough funny in it. It's quite flabby in places and is missing any sort of punchline. I still think there's some funny stuff in it but I'm putting this idea to bed as it's a pain in the arse to write.

Enjoy or despise. Your call

ACT I

Scene 1

LIGHTS UP

(Interior, DOYLES study. DOYLE and PRATT are sat at a circular table in the middle of the room. They are playing chess)

DOYLE

Have you grasped it yet, Mr Pratt?

PRATT

I thinks so, so the horses move this way?

DOYLE

Correct!

PRATT

And the rook can fly to here

DOYLE

What? No! The rook cannot fly

PRATT

What sort of bloody rook is it that can't fly?

DOYLE

The rook is a castle, Mr Pratt, it is incapable of flight

PRATT

So it just sits there the whole bloody game doing nothing?

DOYLE

No, the rook can move this way, or this way but can only move if it's path is unobstructed

PRATT

Funny bloody game this, moving castles

DOYLE

Let's just start with the basics, the pawns, these chaps here, can move two places to start with but can only move forwards, they can't go backwards or sideways

PRATT

Not good for much then

Doyle

Not so, the pawn is a key strategic piece, it can be sacrificed for greater tactical gain

PRATT

Poor bugger

DOYLE

And if it reaches the other side of the board it can be promoted to a senior piece

PRATT

Like the King?

DOYLE

Technically, although it would be wiser to promote it to the position of Queen

PRATT

Rather be King meself

DOYLE

But the Queen can move anywhere

PRatt

Not when I'm king she can't!

DOYLE

Shall we play now?

(they play for a few moments)

DOYLE

What are you doing?

PRATT

Moving me Queen

DOYLE

You can't move it like that

PRATT

Don't see why not, makes sense for the Queen to ride on the horse don't it?

DOYLE

It's not allowed

PRATT

Says who? The King?

DOYLE

No, it's in the rules of Chess!

PRATT

So what can I bloody do?

DOYLE

Maybe we should take a break, a drink perhaps?

(DOYLE walks over to a side table and lifts a decanter)

PRATT

Have you got any gin?

DOYLE

I'm afraid not, you shall have to make do with triple malt

PRATT

So, we sitting round playing daft games everyday?

DOYLE

What do you mean?

PRATT

Only we still hasn't had any work

DOYLE

Worry not, Mr Pratt, work will find us, just like it did last time. In a city this crime-ridden we are sure to find our services in demand

PRATT

It's all the same to me, Mr Doyle, so long as I'm getting paid

(there is the sound of knocking at the door)

DOYLE

Could you get that please, Mr Pratt

(PRATT walks to the door, he walks back to the middle of the room holding an envelope and hands it to DOYLE who opens it)

DOYLE

From my contact at Scotland Yard, it seems a Lord Willoughby has been murdered in his home during the night

PRATT

Lord eh? Could be money in this one then

DOYLE

Irrelevant, Mr Pratt, this is our opportunity to establish ourselves, come, let us depart

(DOYLE and PRATT put on their coats and hats and exit)

Lights FADE

ACT II

SCENE I

LIGHTS UP

(Interior sitting room. LADY WILLOUGHBY is sitting at a chair crying.MARY is stood next to her. INSPECTOR BATTEN is stood at the other end of the room holding a notebook and pencil. DOYLE and PRATT enter)

DOYLE

Good afternoon, Inspector

BATTEN

(under breath)

Jesus wept!

DOYLE

So, what are we looking at then?

BATTEN

Well, I've examined the crime scene, spoken to the wife and the witnesses and I think we're definitely looking at a police matter so you and your criminal lackey can take yourselves elsewhere

DOYLE

Come now, Inspector Batten, you have a short memory. Need I remind you who my cousin is?

BATTEN

Some nit that writes comics wasn't it?

DOYLE

Hardly, Inspector. Cousin Arthur created the greatest investigating mind the world has ever scene

BATTEN

On paper, maybe, but this is the real world. I can't be having civilians hanging around sticking their noses into police business

DOYLE

Inspector! You must surely admit that you found my assistance in our last encounter invaluable

BATTEN

More like intolerable

DOYLE

Regardless, I know that your superiors at the yard would appreciate your letting me assist in the investigation

BATTEN

I suppose you can't do any harm now, just stay away from me. You keep your grubby little hands to yourself, Bill!

PRATT

What? Me? Wouldn't dream of such a thing, Inspector.

BATTEN

My eye! You've got half an hour to play detective, Boyle, then I want you out of here

DOYLE

Doyle, Inspector. And thank you. How was he killed?

BATTEN

Blunt object to the head

DOYLE

So you don't have a murder weapon?

BATTEN

Not yet

DOYLE

And who found the body?

BATTEN

The maid, Mary Byrne, she went in to open the curtains and nearly tripped over him

DOYLE

So we can safely determine he was murdered during the night

BATTEN

I had already determined that, without your help

DOYLE

No need to be so discourteous, Inspector. Where is the crime scene?

BATTEN

Crime scene's in the study, through there

(DOYLE and PRATT exit)

Lights FADE

SCENE II

LIGHTS UP

(Interior, Study. DOYLE is crouched examining a rug in the middle of the room. PRATT is examining items on some shelves)

DOYLE

So, a significant amount of blood from the victims head, but no sign of a murder weapon

PRATT

Some nice stuff here, isn't there?

DOYLE

I find it a touch ostentatious but there are undoubtedly some very finely crafted pieces. Now, let us concentrate on the crime scene, William, our window is small

PRATT

Looks pretty big to me

DOYLE

I mean the time frame in which we have to operate

PRATT

Won't do no good anyway, coppers have already had a look

DOYLE

True, but they might still have overlooked something, here, hold the other end of this measure

(DOYLE walks towards the door holding the other end of the measure)

DOYLE

The victim must have known his attacker

PRATT

How do you reckon?

DOYLE

There is no evidence of a struggle, the victim would surely have put up a fight had an intruder entered the room

PRATT

Could have hit him from behind

DOYLE

Not likely, the victim was stood in the middle of the room, the bloodstain indicates he fell this way. So, he's stood here, he's arguing with the murderer, the murderer loses composure and brings the weapon down like this leaving Lord Willoughby no chance to defend himself, he falls back, the murderer flees the scene and takes the weapon with them. Ergo the victim knew his attacker. It is the only logical conclusion

PRATT

What about.....

DOYLE

No, there is no other possible explanation

PRATT

Yeah, but, listen. Bloke breaks in here, going through the desk when Lord wassisname comes down, he hides behind the desk, his Lordship comes in, has a brandy and your man pops out, knocks him on the head then scarpers

DOyle

No that's....it's....erm...

(DOYLE walks to the desk, then to the bloodstain, then walks back and crouches behind the desk then goes back to the bloodstain crouching, standing up at the last moment bringing his arm down in a hammering motion)

PRATT

Whack! See?

DOYLE

So, there are two possible explanations

PRATT

Who do you reckon done it then? My moneys on the wife

DOYLE

It is too early to speculate the identity of the suspect, we should first identify the motive for the murder and the manner in which it was carried out

PRATT

Telling yer, wife, every time. He was probably diddling the maid while her ladyship was getting diddled by the stable hand 'cept he got caught out.

DOYLE

What a vivid imagination you have, William. How do you imagine she committed the murder?

(PRATT walks over and picks up a vase, he stands by the bloodstain)

PRATT

He's stood here, she's stood shouting at him. He tells her he ain't doing nothing with the maid, she loses her temper and whacks him with the pottery

DOYLE

But she would have to walk over to the shelf to get the vase first then go back, too much time for it to be a surprise attack. We can rule out the vase as a murder weapon in this particular scenario

PRATT

Something missing then

DOyle

Yes, something easy to reach

(They look around the area of the bloodstain)

DOYLE

So, we can rule out a confrontation, which leaves us with the assailant hiding behind the desk

PRATT

Like I told you

DOYLE

Aha, but that then rules out your insistence that the wife carried out the attack

PRATT

Maybe, maybe not. She might have been hiding watching him diddle the maid

DOYLE

I hardly think a woman of Lady Willoughbys standing would stand idly by whilst her husband cavorts with the staff. Anyway, why would she be hiding behind the desk in the first place?

PRATT

We could always take a look in the desk, find some of that motif you was talking about.

DOYLE

I think the Inspector would take a dim view of us rifling through the deceased's property

PRATT

You got any better ideas?

DOYLE

Very well, how do we open the drawers?

PRATT

Brought along me master keys, didn't I?

(PRATT removes a roll of tools from his coat pocket and picks the lock to the drawer)

PRATT

There we goes, Mr Doyle

(DOYLE looks through the drawers, he picks out a document)

PRATT

What's that then?

DOYLE

A draft of Lord Willoughbys will, unsigned. It says here he will leave the sum of five thousand pounds to a Mary Byrne and an allowance of two hundred pounds a year to be paid quarterly

PRATT

Told you, got her feet under the table, that girl has

DOYLE

There's more. There is mention of leaving a sum to a Patrick Byrne on his twenty first birthday and a considerable allowance

PRATT

Is that what you'd call a motif, Mr Doyle?

DOYLE

I'd call it a powerful motive for murder, Mr Pratt. Very powerful indeed. Come! We must inform the inspector.

PRATT

I'd better lock this up

DOYLE

Indeed, hurry, William

(DOYLE exits, will in hand. PRATT looks through the drawer and puts valuable items into his pockets before closing the door and exiting)

LIGHTS FADE

SCENE III

Lights up

(INT Sitting room. INSPECTOR BATTEN is interviewing LADY WILLOUGHBY. DOYLE enters abruptly)

DOYLE

Inspector, I've found some interesting evidence

LADY Willoughby

Who is this gentleman, Inspector?

DOYLE

Henry Doyle, my Lady, consulting detective

LADY WILLOUGHBY

That name sounds so familiar

BATTEN

His uncle writes childrens stories

DOYLE

My Cousin, Inspector, writes detective stories for a highly reputable magazine

BATTEN

Well whatever he writes this Shirelock Bones character only exists in his head and it doesn't make you a detective

LADY WILLOUGHBY

Your cousin created Sherlock Holmes?

DOYLE

Indeed, my Lady

LADY Willoughby

And you are a detective? Well then, we shall hopefully have a prompt resolution to my husbands murder

DOYLE

Rather too promptly for you I'm afraid, Lady Willoughby

LADY WILLOUGHBY

What on earth do you mean?

(PRATT enters)

PRATT

She coughed yet?

DOYLE

Forgive my associate Mr Pratt. He has a very abrupt method of interviewing suspects

LADY WILLOUGHBY

Suspect?!

BATTEN

Doyle!

DOYLE

You see, Inspector, this will, which Lord Willoughby drafted, would have left a considerable sum to Mary Byrne and more importantly the illegitimate son she shared with Lord Willoughby.

LADY WILLOUGHBY

What!?

DOYLE

Your feigned ignorance is wasted on me, my lady, it is the only logical conclusion given the evidence

BATTEN

Doyle!

DOYLE

It must have been unbearable to discover that your husband had fathered a child with your maid and then taken steps to secure their futures in the event of his demise

LADY Willoughby

Inspector, I demand you shut this madman up!

BATTEN

Doyle!

DOYLE

You may detain Lady Willoughby now, Inspector

BATTEn

Lady Willoughby did not murder her husband, Doyle!

Doyle

Obviously she did, the evidence is irrefutable

BATTEN

Doyle! Lady Willoughby was in Southampton last night at her sisters home, her alibi has been confirmed, she could not possibly have committed the murder

(DOYLE stares at BATTEN then at LADY WILLOUGHBY he then stares at the will)

DOYLE

Then, who committed this murder?

BATTEN

That is what I, the bloody police inspector, am trying to find out and my job would be a damn sight easier if some clueless busybody wasn't upsetting the victims widow

(MARY enters pushing a trolley with tea and biscuits on it)

MARY

Where would you like it, my lady?

LADY WILLOUGHBY

I'll tell you where I would like it, you whore!

DOYLE

Lady Willoughby, please!

LADY WILLOUGHBY

Quiet, you bloody imbecile!

MARY

What's wrong, my Lady?

PRATT

You've been rumbled, love

DOYLE

She knows about the affair, Mary

MARY

My Lady, I........

LADY WILLOUGHBY

Don't "My Lady" me you little hussy

MARY

How did you find out?

DOYLE

We found the draft of Lord Willoughby's will. He was planning on leaving you a small fortune and an inheritance for Patrick also

Mary

No! I thought he was tired of me, that he wanted to get rid of me

PRATT

So you knocked him on the head?

DOYLE

What?!

MARY

I didn't mean to hurt him, I just wanted him to understand why he couldn't abandon us

BATTEN

Come along now, Mary

LADY Willoughby

You! You killed my George!

MARY

It was an accident! Please!

(BATTEN escorts MARY from the room. LADY WILLOUGHBY sits back down, crying hysterically)

PRATT

Do we leave her a bill or just ask her straight up?

DOYLE

I beg your pardon

PRATT

Payment?

DOYLE

Now is hardly the time, Mr Pratt

PRATT

Just saying, we should get her before the funeral. In case his lordship was knocking off any more of the staff

(BATTEN enters)

LADY WILLOUGHBY

Where is that little trollop?

BATTEN

On her way to Jail, my Lady

DOYLE

Well, Inspector, Lady Willoughby, as our services are no longer required

BATTEN

or requested

DOYLE

We shall bid you farewell

(DOYLE and PRATT exit. BATTEN comforts LADY WILLOUGHBY)

LIGHTS FADE

ACT III

SCENE I

LIGHTS UP

(Interior, DOYLES study. PRATT is sat at a circular table in the middle of the room. DOYLE is pouring drinks from a decanter)

DOYLE

So, another case solved, William. We should celebrate

PRATT

I dunno, bit of a mess in the end wasn't it?

DOYLE

Regardless, the case would not have been solved but for our efforts

PRATT

Suppose

DOYLE

And I must say, you displayed a aptitude for detective work that I would not have expected

PRATT

Oh you know, you sees a few things and you picks them up

DOYLE

So you took something from this case then?

(PRATT puts his hand on his pocket defensively)

PRATT

I never took nothing!

DOYLE

I mean you learned from the experience

PRATT

Oh yeah

DOYLE

And what was that?

PRATT

It's not always the wife

DOYLE

Let's drink to that then

LIGHTS FADE

END

I thought you'd already put this up somewhere?

I'd get rid of Act I and start with Act II. Get to the action faster.

That was excellent, a really well written piece and loved the humour between Pratt and Doyle, the set up scene of them playing chess works and I could imagine them sitting there...I would love to see this acted out...best line 'she coughed yet? ' brilliant!

Quote: bushbaby @ March 23 2011, 9:40 PM GMT

I thought you'd already put this up somewhere?

View original

I put up the first couple of pages before the competition ended

I think you do have an ear for comedy. Might be a bit slow in pace but I liked the dialogue.

Quote: Mark T @ March 24 2011, 12:16 AM GMT

I think you do have an ear for comedy. Might be a bit slow in pace but I liked the dialogue.

View original

Thanks for the feedback. This was a pain to write which resulted in the slowness and big gaps with no jokes. I came up with the idea after being unable to adapt my laughing stock entry for Sitcom Mission.
I thought of pairing a Name dropping gentleman of leisure with a crooked horse doctor two punishment beatings away from being Bill Sykes and having them bumble their way through detective work. I had a lot of fun thinking up dialogue for the characters but the storylines were a real pain due to the staging and timing and not really knowing enough about the subject matter.

I'm glad some of you have enjoyed it though. I'll try and recover episode one and submit it.

Rough draft of episode one.

ACT I

Scene 1

(DOYLE is standing in his study alone dressed in a quilted gown)

DOYLE

Mr Pratt, how delightful to make your acquaintance. No, that doesn't sound right, Henry. You're not delighted. Er. Ah, Mr Pratt, how enthused I am to finally meet you.

(DOYLE picks up a pipe from his rack and sits in a swivel chair crossing his legs, he swivels in the chair)

DOYLE

Mr Pratt, how nice to finally meet you

(DOYLE swivels away from the door)

DOYLE

Good Afternoon, Sir, you must be William Pratt, I have been expecting your arrival with great anticipation

(DOYLE swivels the chair again, PRATT is standing in the doorway)

DOYLE

Mr Pratt, I presu.....Who the devil are you, sir?!

PRATT

Bill, Bill Pratt, you must be Mr Doyle)

(PRATT walks over, extending his hand)

DOYLE

My apologies, Mr Pratt, you caught me somewhat off guard. You are William Pratt, Doctor?

PRATT

Only to my mother, God rest her, Bill to those that know me

(PRATT walks around the room examining valuable looking items)

DOYLE

I don't mean to be rude, Mr Pratt, but from the reports from Mildred I was expecting a much less...robust individual.

PRATT

I have that effect on people

DOYLE

Nonetheless, you are familiar with the details of the position?

PRATT

Something about detecting

DOYLE

Not just detecting, my dear..er..my good man, I am to realise the dream that my cousin Arthur can only write about, I am going to give this fair but afflicted city a true hero

PRATT

So there's no money in it then

DOYLE

Worry not, Mr Pratt, you shall be handsomely rewarded for your efforts and once our reputation builds we shall have paying clients queuing the length of Wigmore Street

PRATT

So what's the job?

DOYLE

Your chief responsibility is as my scribe, you shall accurately chronicle my exploits in your journal. Supplementary duties shall consist of assisting me in detective work, forensic studies and my personal protection, oh and fetching my newspapers on the morning. I have outstanding issues with the local retailer and Mildred is starting to have trouble with the stairs.

PRATT

Not much then

DOYLE

However, I must first determine your suitability for the role, please take a seat.

(They both sit at DOYLEs desk)

DOYLE

Now, Mr Pratt, this position entails an aptitude for investigation. Your training as a doctor would obviously go some way towards qualifying you for this but I still have some questions for you. Tell me, do you have any examples of any time you have had to investigate an incident?

PRATT

Like what?

DOYLE

Perhaps you have had to identify a thief at your practice, or track down a missing person.

PRATT

I had to track down this bloke called Jimmy Purvis, owed me some money for some dental work and never paid up

DOYLE

I see, why didn't he go to a dentist?

PRatt

No dentist would touch those teeth

DOYLE

Good, now. Do you have any skill in martial arts, hand to hand combat?

PRATT

I'm pretty handy in a scrap if that's what you mean

DOYLE

Any examples?

PRATT

Jimmy Purvis, I made an example of him alright

DOYLE

I see. No disrespect to Mr Purvis but how would you handle yourself against a trained opponent or numerous assailants?

(PRATT removes a leather cosh from his coat pocket)

DOYLE

Okay, I think that covers that. Any special skills or abilities that you think you can bring to the role

PRATT

This is detecting work, right?

DOYLE

Correct

(PRATT removes a bundle from his coat pocket)

PRATT

Then these might come in handy then

DOYLE

What are those for?

PRATT

These are my *ahem* master keys, get me places that I need to be that people would rather I wasn't

DOYLE

So, we shall add "method of entry specialist" to your attributes. Well, Mr Pratt, you seem to fit the criteria advertised and are content with the salary so I am compelled to offer you the role, congratulations.

PRATT

Ta very much

DOYLE

We shall, however, need to attend to your attire, are you free now?

PRATT

No, I'm on the clock

DOYLE

I mean you have no other engagements?

PRATT

Not today

DOYLE

Then we shall shop, first port of call is a good Milliners. A distinctive hat is crucial in establishing a signature look

Scene II

(DOYLE and PRATT are walking along a darkened street, PRATT is wearing new clothes and DOYLE has a new hat, PRATT is wearing the same scuffed boots)

DOYLE

A rather successful days shopping, Mr Pratt. Although I do wish you had allowed me to purchase the shoes

PRATT

Can't walk in those bloody things, Mr Doyle. Know where you are in a good pair of boots

DOYLE

Nonetheless, we have high standards to maintain, your footwear is a key part of your appearance, they shall have to go.

PRATT

They'll be alright after a good polish. So what happens now?

DOYLE

You can see me to my abode then make your own way home.

PRATT

No, I mean with the detecting?

DOYLE

We must wait for our opportunity

PRATT

So what do we do for money in the meantime?

DOYLE

Finances are not a problem, Mr Pratt, I recieve an allowance from an estate I inherited. It keeps me in modest comfort

(there is a commotion ahead and a man shouts in agony, footsteps can be heard running away)

DOYLE

What on earth was that?

PRATT

Sounds like trouble, we should scarper

DOYLE

Nonsense, this is our opportunity. Come along.

(DOYLE and PRATT continue along the street where they find the dead body of a man)

DOYLE

Quickly, Mr Pratt, check the man for vitals

(Pratt leans down by the body)

PRATT

He's a goner

(PRATT unbuttons the mans coat and begins looking in his pockets)

DOYLE

Capital idea, Pratt, see if the victim is carrying any identification

(DOYLE looks around and notices a half-brick on the ground near the body)

DOYLE

Aha, this must be the murder weapon

(DOYLE stands up and looks around)

DOYLE

Which way did the suspect flee?

PRATT

Who cares

(DOYLE paces up and down, he runs in one direction then returns to the body and runs in another direction)

PRATT

What are you doing now?

DOYLE

I'm trying to determine which direction the suspect would have ran based on the footsteps we heard when we arrived

PRATT

Good luck with that

(DOYLE looks around then runs off in the first direction. PRATT continues searching the body of the dead man he retrieves a gold pocket watch)

PRATT

My lucky day

(BATTEN enters with a police CONSTABLE)

BATTEN

Mine too

(PRATT jumps to his feet, the CONSTABLE grabs him)

BATTEN

Well, well, Bill Pratt, this is a step up for you isn't it?

PRATT

I didn't do nothing, Inspector

BATTEN

That's always been your problem, Bill, not doing nothing

PRATT

Honest, I'm helping this gent detecting

BATTEN

Save it for the magistrate, Pratt

(DOYLE enters looking out of breath)

DOYLE

What's going on? Unhand that man immediately!

BATTEN

This is none of your concern, sir. Please leave this to us

DOYLE

Officer, this gentleman is my assistant, we happened upon the body after hearing a commotion.

BATTEN

And who are you?

DOYLe

Henry Doyle, consulting detective

BATTEN

Never heard of you

DOYLE

Then perhaps you have heard of my cousin, Arthur Conan Doyle

BATTEN

No

DOYLE

He writes detective stories for Strand Magazine, he created the character Sherlock Holmes

BATTEN

I have no idea what you're talking about

DOYLE

Could you please just unhand Mr Pratt

BATTEN

He is a suspect in a murder, he's coming with us

DOYLE

You are mistaken, officer..

BATTEN

Inspector!

DOYLE

..Inspector, the suspect fled in that direction

BATTEN

Constable, go and have a look

(the CONSTABLE walks off)

DOYLE

Inspector, I must insist that you release my assistant, he is guilty of no crime but the crime of compassion

Batten

I found him leaning over the body

DOYLE

He was trying to help the poor man

Batten

Help himself more like

DOYLE

I must inform you Inspector..

BATTEN

Batten

DOYLE

Inspector Batten, I have contacts at Scotland Yard, so I would be most appreciative of your co-operation in this matter, I can personally vouch for Mr Pratt

(BATTEN releases PRATT)

BATTEN

If he runs then I'm nicking you

DOYLE

How vulgar

BATTEN

So, what happened?

DOYLE

Well me and the good doctor

BATTEN

Who?

DOYLE

Doctor Pratt, who else?

BATTEN

Oh, no reason, carry on

DOYLE

were ambling along the street when we heard a commotion, a mans shout and then the sound of someone making a hasty retreat

BATTEN

You didn't see anyone?

DOYLE

No, we merely heard them

BATTEN

So how do you know which way they ran?

DOYLE

Aha, I examined the scene and conducted tests to determine the direction the suspect must have taken

BATTEN

Read that in your brothers comic did you?

DOYLE

My Cousin does not write comics and I assure you, Inspector, my methods are purely scientific.

(TED enters wearing the CONSTABLES uniform, his peak covering his face and his chinstrap done up)

BATTEN

Anyone down there?

(the CONSTABLE shakes his head)

BATTEN

So much for science. Right, come along Bill

PRATT

This is a fit up!

DOYLE

Inspector, I must insist that you stop

BATTEN

You must insist, eh?

DOYLE

Yes, Inspector, you have not properly examined the crime scene

BATTEN

I Don't need to. I've got a suspect at the scene leaning over the body?

DOYLE

Circumstantial and I have already stated that this is not the case

BATTEN

Fine, tell me what you think happened

DOYLE

My pleasure, Inspector. Could you please unhand my assistant. Again

(BATTEN releases his grip on PRATT)

DOYLE

Mr Pratt, did you identify the victim?

PRATT

I got his wallet

DOYLE

Let me see

(PRATT hands the wallet to DOYLE)

DOYLE

And he still had his other effects?

PRATT

Eh?

DOYLE

Pocket watch, hankie...

PRATT

Erm, I think so, last I saw

(DOYLE moves over to the body and leans by it)

DOYle

With your permission, Inspector

BATTEN

Just hurry up

(DOYLE searches the body)

DOYLE

Aha, tell me, Inspector, what kind of thief would kill a man for his possessions and then leave them behind?

BATTEN

One that gets caught in the act

DOYLE

Not so, Inspector

(DOYLE brandsishes a folded piece of paper from the victims pocket)

DOYLE

I believe this is what the murderer was truly after

BATTEN

What's that?

DOYLE

Whatever it is it was clearly of great value to both the victim and the murderer

BATTEn

How could you possibly know that?

DOYLE

Because the murderer has not yet left the scene

BATTEN

We've done this, Matthews looked down the alley, there was no-one there

DOYLE

But there was, Constable Matthews found him, or rather he found Constable Matthews

(DOYLE removes TEDs helmet)

BATTEN

Who are you? what have you done with Matthews?

(BATTEN moves over to grab TED. TED pulls out a revolver and steps back)

TED

Don't move!

BATTEN

Okay, go steady now

DOYLE

You see, Inspector, the murderer couldn't go far because he needed this

TED

And you can hand it over, now!

(DOYLE hands over the paper to TED who examines it)

DOYLE

I wager you're wondering how I determined your identity

TED

Not really, no

DOYLE

You should be more mindful, you probably think it was because of the blood on your lapel but it was in fact your shoes that drew my attention, you see, Inspector, no gentleman could stand to leave behind such fine shoes as those but a man truly knows where he is in a good pair of boots, is that not right, Mr Pratt?

(PRATT looms behind TED and hits him over the head with his cosh)

PRATT

Yes, Mr Doyle, something like that

ACT II

Scene I

(DOYLE and PRATT are sitting at the table in DOYLE'S study. DOYLE pours PRATT a drink and raises his glass)

DOYLE

To a successful start to our endeavour, Mr Pratt

PRATT

I dunno about success, Mr Doyle. I nearly got fitted up for murder and you nearly got shot

DOYLE

Yes, yes but it all worked out in the end

PRATT

And we didn't get paid

DOYLE

Financial reward will come in time, for now let us bask in the glory of a great case solved

(They both take a drink)

Doyle

Such a shame Inspector Batten was unable to join our celebration

PRATT

Such a shame

DOYLE

Still, I suppose he'll be kept busy with paperwork. A murder and a wounded constable require a great deal of form filling. Do you think Constable Matthews will be alright?

PRATT

As much as a copper can be.

DOYLE

I must confess, Mr Pratt, I would have expected more compassion. I trust you have a more caring attitude with your regular patients? Jimmy Purvis notwithstanding of course

PRATT

He can stand, he just limps a bit

DOYLE

Remarkable, that a man so, pugnacious, as your good self. Should find themselves in such an occupation.

PRATT

You can thank the Army for that

DOyle

Really, I had no idea you were a military man.

PRATT

13 years, man and boy.

DOYLE

I suppose you become numb to the screams and pleas of wounded soldiers.

PRATT

Wouldn't know. You don't get that much bother with horses.

END

How did you get on with Laughing Stock?

Didn't make the longlist. You'll find the script (bits of it anyway) here:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/20553/