...wonder if you would let me know what you think about this - it's my Laughing Stock entry (and a variation on my Sitcom Mission entry). It's my first ever script, and as I pointed out in a previous post - the title is crap, and tenuous so ignore that bit..
It's semi-autobiographical, and I didn't really need to make much of it up.......
"Britton's Not Working"
SCENE ONE
EXTERIOR: JOB CENTRE - DAY
(Theme music under)
Scene opens on our protagonist, JIM, walking towards the Job Centre. He stops outside, fishes a letter out of his pocket and checks it. He then checks his watch, and shoulders slumped, heads towards the door. Outside is a MAN sitting on the wall, dressed extremely scruffily, with a can of lager in his hand. A rough looking dog is sniffing around his feet. In the foreground, a small BOY is kicking a ball up against a car wheel, oblivious to anyone around him.
MAN:
Oi! Loser!
JIM:
(Looking around, then directly addressing the man)
Sorry, did you say something??
MAN:
Yeah, I said "Oi, Loser!"
JIM:
(Affronted)
Excuse me, but who the hell do you think you are?
Just because a man happens to be down on his luck, that doesn't make me a loser.
So I lost my job, big deal, not my fault the chairman invested all the company money in the Reykjavik branch of Northern Rock, is it??
At least I'm doing something about it. What gives you the right to comment?
MAN:
Alright, mate calm down; I wasn't even talking to you! I was talking to my kid! Oi, Loser, get over here. We've got to go and pick Waster up from the play scheme.
The BOY comes scurrying over and the trio goes to leave.
MAN:
(To Jim, in a calm, almost friendly way).
You want to calm down, mate, don't get so stressed out. You'll find a job; you're obviously a smart bloke. I did, and look at the state of me!
JIM:
(Slightly flustered).
Oh, right, yeah, sorry, right, er, thanks. So, where do you work then?
MAN:
(Proudly, indicates the Job Centre):
I work in here, mate! It's half term this week, so got a few days off, but I'll probably see you soon!
JIM:
(Puts on a false smile)
Yeah. Great.
SCENE TWO:
INTERIOR: JOB CENTRE - DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT
An average Job Centre, brightly painted walls and furniture, all being sat on by dejected looking people of all ages. There are posters on the wall:
"Try teaching - society will undervalue you and the kids will make your life hell, but the pay's not bad, and you'll get loads of holidays"
and "Fool your friends into thinking you work in the media- sell advertising".
As JIM walks through the door, a burly security guard grunts and goes back to reading the Daily Star. On our left are a series of phone booths on the wall, each containing someone at various stages of stressed conversations. We catch snatches of them as we walk past.
WOMAN IN BOOTH 1:
"I'm telling ya, he don't live with me! He stays over at night time and that, but he don't bring me no washing or nothing, so how can you say he lives with me?"
MAN IN BOOTH 2:
"I'M NOT SHOUTING! WELL, IF YOU LET ME SPEAK I WOULDN'T NEED TO SHOUT, WOULD I???
EASTERN EUROPEAN MAN IN BOOTH 3:
(In excellent English, with a noticeable accent)
"With respect sir, why would I make up the fact I was fully qualified dentist in my country? I am applying for job taking tomatoes out of big box and putting them in small box. If I was going to lie about my experience, why would I choose teeth?"
JIM makes his way to the reception desk, where SHELLEY is standing smiling, pleasantly.
SHELLEY:
(Smiling inanely throughout) -
Good afternoon, sir, how can I help you?
JIM:
Oh, hello, good afternoon. I'm here to register as unemployed and hopefully find a job.
SHELLEY:
(Still smiling)
Sorry, Sir, we haven't got any today, please try again later...
(Switches to sad face)
JIM:
I'm sorry, what??
SHELLEY:
I'm sorry, just my idea of a little joke to help you relax! Funny, wasn't it? I'm ever so funny; everyone always tells me I'm funny! Shell, they say, I've always though you were a bit funny...
JIM:
(Interrupting)
Oh, yeah, right, funny. Anyway, can you help me, please? I've got an appointment with Flora, is it? At 3.40.
SHELLEY:
3.40? I'm afraid I can't help you yet, it's only 3.32. Could you please come back in eight minutes?
JIM:
Well, I'm here, now. Can't you just tell her I'm here and I'll wait?
SHELLEY:
(Confused)
Well, no sir, I'm sorry, I can't. It doesn't work like that. If everyone turned up eight minutes early, it would be terrible. I mean, could you imagine the absolute chaos if everyone was eight minutes early?
JIM:
Er, no, not really, but if that's the rules, I guess I can come back in (checks watch), well, seven minutes, now.
SHELLEY:
(All smiles again)
Thank you sir.
JIM:
In the meantime, have you got a loo I can use?
SHELLEY:
No, I'm afraid not. The nearest one is in the precinct. If you go out of here, down the three flights of stairs, outside, turn left, walk about 200 yards, cross the ring road, then head up the High Street, save time by cutting through Debenhams, and the loos are just in the alleyway there.
JIM:
Blimey, that might take me a while. I might be a bit late back.
SHELLEY:
Oh, no, sir, I wouldn't be late back if I were you. If you're not back here within (checks watch) 12 minutes, I'll have to close your claim.
JIM:
Of course you would, silly of me to even ask...OK, I'll wait.
JIM makes his way to the waiting area as we cut to a long shot of the centre, then cut to CLOSE UP of NICK'S cubicle
SCENE THREE:
INTERIOR: JOB CENTRE - DAY
CLOSE UP OF NICK'S CUBICLE
GAZ is sitting at NICK'S desk, slouching in his seat. NICK is on the computer, idly scrolling with his mouse.
NICK:
So, Gaz....can I call you Gaz? Or would you prefer Gary, to sound a bit more professional?
GAZ:
Er, why would you call me Gary? My name's Gaz?
NICK:
Oh, sorry, I assumed it was short for something. Gaz is usually short for Gary.
GAZ:
Not me, mate. My mum always said "What's the point of giving a kid a name if people are going to shorten it." So she did it for us. I'm Gaz, my brother's Kev, and my sister's called C (pronounced phonetically).
NICK:
.....C....?
GAZ:
Well, yeah. My mum wanted to call her Claire but you can't shorten that so she just used the first letter....
NICK:
Riiii-ght. Anyway, moving on. So, I suppose the first thing we need to do is find out the kind of things you're into and see if there is a job we can match you up with. So what do you like doing?
GAZ:
Dunno really.
NICK:
Well you must have some interests. What's the last thing you did that was fun?
GAZ:
Oh, well, I like growing veg and that.
NICK:
OK, that's good. Tell me more.
GAZ:
Yeah, I'm quite good at it. This morning I planted 300 peanuts and sold ten cows.
NICK:
(Clearly impressed)
Wow. That sounds great! I'm quite into that sort of thing too, I grow chillies and herbs and that.
GAZ:
Cool, man. When you get home, yeah, add me, you get me? And then tag me, and I'll add you as a neighbour.
NICK:
Yeah, sure....hang on.... Add me, tag me.... You're talking about Farmville, aren't you??
GAZ:
Yeah, man, course, what did you think I meant??
NICK:
Right. Moving AWAY from Facebook, have you got any actual skills?
GAZ:
I know how to super-customise a Lotus to make it race ready.....
NICK:
In the real world?
GAZ:
Well, no, GT5, but it's probably not much different.
NICK:
(Through gritted teeth).
Right. Do you have any experience in anything, whatsoever, that might actually help you find a job?
GAZ:
I did once lead a team of crack commandos on a mission to rescue hostages in the Afghan desert.
NICK:
Call of Duty?
GAZ:
(Slightly sheepish) -Yep...
NICK:
I'll just put "not applicable" shall I?
SCENE FOUR:
INTERIOR OF JOB CENTRE - DAY
RECEPTION AREA
SHELLEY is leaning on her elbows on the reception desk, face in her hands, obviously bored. She is flicking through a book about Princess Diana, every so often stopping to look at a page and making a sad face. CLIFF is leaning against the wall near her, scuffing his heels on the wall. It's obvious to anyone walking by that neither of them want to be there.
CLIFF:
(Peering over her shoulder) What you reading, Shell?
(Phone starts ringing but SHELLEY ignores it. Rings throughout.)
SHELLEY:
Oh, it's this book about this lady, she's called Princess Diana.
CLIFF:
Oh right... Good is it?
SHELLEY:
Oh, it's ever so sad. She meets this prince and marries him, but he is secretly in love with someone else, but she can't leave him cos his mum's the Queen and... It's a true story!
CLIFF:
(Amused) Really?!
SHELLEY:
You can borrow it after me if you want?
CLIFF:
Er, no, no you're alright thanks. I've, er, already read it. I know what happens. She dies at the end..........
SHELLEY:
NO! Oh, you've spoilt it now. Thanks Clifford......!
CLIFF:
....sorry.
SHELLEY:
(Finally notices the ringing phone)
Alright, alright, keep your hair on, for God's sake!
(Picks it up - line is dead).
They've rung off. Brilliant. I tell you, you can't help some people, they don't even try to get a job, can't even wait for the job centre to answer. Typical.
SCENE FIVE:
INTERIOR OF JOB CENTRE
Main claims area
JIM is sitting on a row of "easy chairs" found in most Jobcentres - facing the row of claims desks. He is the only person sitting there, suggesting he is the last appointment of the day. There are people sitting behind each claims desk, none of them with clients, all pretending to look busy.
FLORA is sitting at her desk, opposite JIM. There is a nameplate on the desk reading FLORA TUMBLETY.
She is reading a piece of paper, then checking her computer screen, and returning to the piece of paper. This goes on for a good ten seconds. Behind him there is a flip clock on the wall. It says 15:39.
JIM:
(Clears his throat)
Ahem........ Excuse me.
FLORA:
(very politely and sweetly)
Yes?
JIM:
I was wondering if you were ready for me yet? Only I've been waiting a while.
FLORA:
Sorry, Mr......?
JIM:
Britton. James Britton. I've got a 3.40 appointment.
FLORA:
(Looks over his head at the clock, just as it flips over to 15:40)
Ah yes, I can see you now. Take a seat (indicates chair).
JIM walks over to the chair and sits down. In the meantime, FLORA is typing over-enthusiastically and clearly not doing anything useful.
JIM:
(Friendly)
Flora Tumblety - that's a nice name.
FLORA:
Oh, thank you! You know what they say, Tumblety by name......
JIM:
(Slightly confused)
......yeah, yes, of course
FLORA:
So.......James? Jim? Jimbo? Jimbob?
JIM:
Jim is fine....
FLORA:
Jim. Right, so Jim.... What can I do for you?
JIM:
Well, find me a job, I hope! I'm a journalist, or at least I was until last week. (Starts ranting a bit) I worked for a massive international news corporation....
FLORA:
.....Mmmmm
JIM:
.....but the chairman, who incidentally is about 12 years old, decided to "invest" the company's profits in his girlfriend's dad's bank........
FLORA:
(daydreaming)
......I see
JIM:
.....which was in Iceland..... Long story short, the bank folded, the company lost millions and decided there was no money to pay someone with my skills and experience, so they laid me off.
FLORA:
(zoning back in)
Mmmm, I see. I'd love to go to Iceland, wouldn't you? All those geysers and things.....
JIM:
Sorry, what??
FLORA:
...Nothing, sorry, anyway, oooh dear, that's not good is it? Let's see what we can do.
JIM:
Er, thanks. I think....
FLORA:
(typing away)
So, let's see, journalist - the problem is, there aren't many jobs around at the moment. I don't know if you've heard but there's a credit crunch on. Something to do with the Swedish banking system or something.
JIM:
(Resignation in his voice)
I had heard something about it, yes. So what do you suggest?
FLORA:
(Types something else, then looks at the screen excitedly)
Ooh, hold on a minute, hold on....
I might have something here. Oh, but it's in Aberdeen. Would you be prepared to commute?
JIM:
COMMUTE?? To Aberdeen? That's an eight-hour trip one way! Mind you, if the job was good enough I suppose I could move up there, get in a bit of fishing...yeah, wouldn't be too bad. What's the job?
FLORA:
Here you go - Newspaper Distribution Operative. That's newspapers, isn't it, journalism and so on?
JIM:
No. It's a paper boy. A newspaper distribution operative is a paper boy.
FLORA:
Is it?? Are you sure? Oh, hold on, it does say here "Must have own bike and cycling proficiency badge." Maybe it is. Shall I put you down for an interview?
JIM:
Well, I was hoping for something a bit more, shall we say, full time? And possibly something that uses my writing skills, as opposed to something I did when I was at school.
FLORA:
Yes I understand that, but sometimes you have to widen your horizons a bit! I'll tell them you can come on Tuesday.
JIM:
And if I don't go?
FLORA:
Well, if you turn down a job, obviously we won't pay you any money, so it's up to you........
JIM:
(Starting to realise that he needs to humour her if he's to get anywhere).
Well, can we see if there is anything else out there first, then? It's a long way to go for an interview, and I might not get the job - I haven't got a bike, for one thing......
FLORA:
Hmmmm - I see. That would be a problem, it's one of the criteria.
JIM:
Yeah, I thought so, sorry.....
FLORA:
Well, I'll tell you what. What if I make you an appointment with one of our skills advisors? They will help you work out what your skills are, and then they will advise you.
JIM:
I see..... well, OK, then, thanks.
FLORA picks up phone and dials.
(Puts hand over mouthpiece and says to JIM)
They get ever so busy, so I might have to wait a while......
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF CENTRE, PHONE IS RINGING ELSEWHERE IN THE ROOM
CUT TO RECEPTION DESK (in the background - literally feet away- we can see FLORA on the phone and JIM waiting for her)
Phone ringing throughout
SHELLEY:
(Uninterested) So, you doing anything good at the weekend then?
CLIFF:
Nah, not really. I bought a new wireless printer the other day so I'm setting that up.
SHELLEY:
(Suddenly interested) Really? A wireless printer? It's amazing the technology they come up with, ain't it?
CLIFF:
(Enthusiastic) Yeah, I mean you just plug these things in and away you go, none of this fiddling around with cables and stuff. You could, er, come round and see it if you like......(hopeful)
SHELLEY:
Oh, I might do that. It sounds really clever. Does it pick up Radio 1 and that?
CLIFF:
Er......no.........
SHELLEY:
(Interrupting) Mind you, doesn't the noise of the printing drown out the music? Or can't you do both at the same time?
CLIFF:
Shelley, love, what ARE you talking about??
SHELLEY:
Your wireless printer - isn't it one with a radio built in?
CLIFF:
(slightly stunned) Er, no, it hasn't got any wires...........
SHELLEY:
Oh..... Well how does it work then?? Are you winding me up......?
CLIFF:
No....look are you going to get that phone, babe??
SHELLEY:
(Rolls eyes and picks up phone)
Hello, reception......
Oh hello, Flora....... (waits)
CUT TO FLORA
FLORA:
I've got Mr. Britton here. I wonder if you could put me through to the skills adviser, to make him an appointment?
CUT TO SHELLEY
SHELLEY:
Yep, no problem
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF THE CENTRE
NICK IS SITTING TWO DESKS AWAY FROM FLORA. WIDE SHOT SHOWS THEM BOTH, WITH SHELLEY IN THE BACKGROUND. NICK'S PHONE RINGS.
NICK:
(picks it up):
Hello.
SHELLEY:
(on phone)
Oh, hi Nick, it's Shelley at reception! Hello!
(SHELLEY can be seen waving in the background)
NICK:
Hi Shelley - what can I do for you that makes it impossible for you to walk 15 feet and ask me in person?
SHELLEY:
(on phone) Oh, you're so funny! Flora has a client who wants an appointment. What shall I tell him?
NICK:
Tell him I'll see him Monday at 4.
SHELLEY:
(on phone): Ok, thanks!
NICK puts phone down, goes back to fiddling about on his computer, clock watching.
CUT TO FLORA
FLORA:
(Into phone) Thanks! (Puts down phone)
Great news!!
JIM:
What's that?
FLORA:
Well, the skills advisers are usually very busy advising people about their skills, but you're in luck. Nick has an appointment on Monday at 4.
(She indicates NICK, two desks away - the desk in the middle is now empty so there is a clear line of sight).
JIM:
Monday. Right. Can't I see him now, only he doesn't look very busy?
FLORA:
Oh, no, sorry....
JIM:
(Interrupting):
No, sorry, don't tell me - it doesn't work like that?
FLORA:
No. Anyway, I think that's all for today! Have a great weekend won't you, and we look forward to seeing you next week!
JIM:
(False smile)
Can't wait!!
FADE TO CREDITS
Sections felt a bit like separate sketches, and the ending didn't have much of a bang. But, in truth, I've witnessed much worse produced on the TV, in my opinion. Good luck! 
! Will take all of your suggestions on board and tweak it in places. I think it's always tempting to introduce all your ideas in one script, whereas some might work better in later episodes, so I think I'll try and build up Shelley and see where I can take her. Will have a think about that.