Some Stand Up ideas that Popped Up

Start by telling you a little about myself. I lost my virginity when I was 17, I guess that's now considered a 'late bloomer'. I hear that 13 is now the average age - to be a mother of three.

I had a strange dream the other night about an erotic take on Pokemon. My Onyx was fighting a Weedle. My Onyx used penetrate. It was super-effective. F**king destroyed it. Then it got a lot weirder with Brock squatting over in some wild grass occasionally stamping so that a Diglett went up into his arse.

Yes If you haven't ever watched Pokemon, don't be put off by what I just said... Actually I would be slightly more worried if a few of you felt INCLINED to watch it after that.

Its strange when you grow out of things like Pokemon and are able to look back from a completely cynical perspective. You realise that Pokemon was really like underground cock-fights, but with different kinds of animals, that were made to fight one another to death while the 'trainers' gambled on the outcome. Then you realise that there is one Pokemon called 'Jynx' that is really a transvestite scaly man fish thing. Then there was that one that just looked like a big dick. And funnily enough the only move it could do was 'Harden'.

My teacher told me the other day that we had to refer to the revision technique of 'Brainstorms' as 'Mind-maps' because apparently 'Brainstorm' is offensive to retards. Surely by the time a retard has worked out that it offends them, you've taken the exam and been married and had kids?

Somebody let off a stink bomb in school the other day. Which made me think, why are they only made in smells that are just rubbish? That plasticky, eggy smell is boring. Why don't they bring out proper smells like a B.O. Bomb, or even better a 'Rotting Corpse' Stink Bomb.

"F**king hell, George, I can't believe you put one of them in Mr. Warren's office! People are going to think he's actually f**king killed someone! haha!"

"...I haven't opened the packet yet?"

Laughed at the first thing and the brainstorm. Don't know pokemon well prob would have found it funnier if I did.

Metapod didn't look like a big dick. He looked like a croissant.

Quote: Xan Pechey @ March 19 2011, 12:37 PM GMT

Laughed at the first thing and the brainstorm. Don't know pokemon well prob would have found it funnier if I did.

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Not really.

Liked the brainstorm thing, but why do you have to refer to disabled people as 'retards'? Made me wince reading it, let alone hearing it.

Don't mean to be rude but I found this quite immature. Am not trying to put you off -I'm assuming you're only 18 or so, so things like Pokemon are something you can relate to and remember but unless your audience are all around the same age, they probably won't get it.
I don't have a problem with the references, why wouldn't you refer to stuff from your childhood - but it's quite a visual description and if they don't get the first reference, you will probably lose them as you go on.
I liked the idea of the stink bomb masking the fact that the headmaster was hiding bodies, but it read a little bit too personally to me, as if you had to know Mr Warren for it to make sense - could you maybe rework it to sound a little bit less specific?

Quote: Nat Wicks @ March 19 2011, 12:52 PM GMT

Metapod didn't look like a big dick. He looked like a croissant.

Not really.

Liked the brainstorm thing, but why do you have to refer to disabled people as 'retards'? Made me wince reading it, let alone hearing it.

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I think the refering to them as 'retards' would probably go with the harshness of the joke. Its a bit cruel yes but many comedians such as Jimmy Carr have said far worse.

I didn't understand the Pokemon bit, but I thought everything else was exceptionally funny.

Quote: Posiekins @ March 19 2011, 1:53 PM GMT

I liked the idea of the stink bomb masking the fact that the headmaster was hiding bodies, but it read a little bit too personally to me, as if you had to know Mr Warren for it to make sense - could you maybe rework it to sound a little bit less specific?

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Yeah I see what you mean with this, Mr.Warren is just made up maybe I should use something more generic like Mr.Smith? But I am sure that we can all think of a teacher that if they were arrested for multiple murders, you wouldn't be that surprised..

And thanks very much Xan, Nat and Gerry for the feedback I appreciate it

And Nat I meant Kakuna! haha

http://www.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=kakuna&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1024&bih=578

Incidentally, 'Weedle' looks like anal beads.

http://www.google.co.uk/images?um=1&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=578&tbs=isch%3A1&sa=1&q=weedle&aq=f&aqi=g2g-s1g7&aql=&oq=

And just for those who haven't seen Pokemon. With reference to the dildo creature coming out of the ground into Brock's arse (immature I know) but...

http://www.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&xhr=t&q=diglett&cp=4&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1024&bih=578

Need I say more?

Quote: Nat Wicks @ March 19 2011, 12:52 PM GMT

Metapod didn't look like a big dick. He looked like a croissant.

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Geek of the week!

Metapod is the only Pokemon from the original series who only used harden. I'm pretty sure Kakuna also did string shot.

Diglet was obviously the most penile, but you've already mentioned him once.

Quote: sootyj @ March 19 2011, 2:54 PM GMT

Geek of the week!

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I just effin' love Pokemon.

Pervert

(used to quite like the cartoon and fancy Jessie

Quote: Nat Wicks @ March 19 2011, 4:18 PM GMT

Metapod is the only Pokemon from the original series who only used harden. I'm pretty sure Kakuna also did string shot.

Diglet was obviously the most penile, but you've already mentioned him once.

I just effin' love Pokemon.

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Ok, just so's we're clear - it's fine to call people retards, and there's no issues with potentially pornographic portrayals of well-loved kiddies characters. But mix up those character's names and special powers and you're on dodgy ground.....

loooooooool

Had a few more:

Are there many here that like to read? I love to read and I would hate to be blind for that reason. We read so much every day without even noticing. I think braille was one of the best inventions ever. But there are some things that couldn't be translated into braille;

(Pretend to be reading Braille and speaking it out loud)
"Make sure that you are doing a thorough check and if you find any lumps, it is likely that you may have cancer....... Oh f**k. There's loads."

So I found out recently about this book called 'Lolita'. Some of you may have heard of it? Its basically about an old man that fancies this 12 year old girl...

I know what you're thinking..that's pretty... (pause) pretty damn sexy. I thought exactly the same.

But it wouldn't really work, I mean apart fromt he fact that its illegal, the practicality of the scenario is extremely low..

"Oh how lovely is that? A father and daughter having a picnic together over there.. and...kissing? Passionately? ....wait what the FUCK?"

But the person I wouldn't want to be is the author of this book. I just imagine him as a normal guy from an office that wrote it in his spare time and then all of his colleagues found out...

"Hey guys, you don't think that I'm a pedophile, do you?"
"No..no of course not man.."
"Oh ok, its just since I released 'Lolita', I see we've scrapped the bring kids to work day?"

Quote: Posiekins @ March 19 2011, 4:59 PM GMT

Ok, just so's we're clear - it's fine to call people retards, and there's no issues with potentially pornographic portrayals of well-loved kiddies characters. But mix up those character's names and special powers and you're on dodgy ground.....

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If you were to read back, I do disagree with the use of the word retard. I don't have a problem with pornographic portrayals of cartoon characters, other that it wasn't very funny.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ March 24 2011, 12:31 AM GMT

Had a few more:

Are there many here that like to read? I love to read and I would hate to be blind for that reason. We read so much every day without even noticing. I think braille was one of the best inventions ever. But there are some things that couldn't be translated into braille;

(Pretend to be reading Braille and speaking it out loud)
"Make sure that you are doing a thorough check and if you find any lumps, it is likely that you may have cancer....... Oh f**k. There's loads."

So I found out recently about this book called 'Lolita'. Some of you may have heard of it? Its basically about an old man that fancies this 12 year old girl...

I know what you're thinking..that's pretty... (pause) pretty damn sexy. I thought exactly the same.

But it wouldn't really work, I mean apart fromt he fact that its illegal, the practicality of the scenario is extremely low..

"Oh how lovely is that? A father and daughter having a picnic together over there.. and...kissing? Passionately? ....wait what the FUCK?"

But the person I wouldn't want to be is the author of this book. I just imagine him as a normal guy from an office that wrote it in his spare time and then all of his colleagues found out...

"Hey guys, you don't think that I'm a pedophile, do you?"
"No..no of course not man.."
"Oh ok, its just since I released 'Lolita', I see we've scrapped the bring kids to work day?"

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Juan, with the exception of the American spelling of 'pedophile', this is absolutely magnificent.