My Sitcom mission Entry Page 2

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ March 17 2011, 1:04 PM GMT

I read some of it last night too, but I found the dialogue clunky and the jokes didn't seem to flow naturally, you were firing off at a tangent to shoe-horn in the gags. You also had a version of the Monkhhouse gag "...I can still enjoy sex at 74 which is great because I live at 75." quite early on which jarred. Your start just felt a bit heavy-handed in trying to etablish the characters. Obviously this is only based on the brief read I got yesterday but these were things I thought might be why your script was rejected. Post it back up and you might get more detailed feedback.

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I thought about that after I'd submitted and wished I'd started it when Jon announces about Peregrine's offer, thus cutting out the establishing of the characters at the beginning. I hadn't heard that joke before, even though a fan of Bob Monkhouse, unless I'd subconsciously taken it in
Thanks for reading it and for your comments which are useful and constructive.

If I had a male and female character living together I would establish their relationship early on.

Maybe even something obvious, like one of them mentioning a date they were on, or Jon teasing them about how they would make a good couple.

Although, it would probably come across with how they interact anyway.

Quote: Derry Dee @ March 17 2011, 1:12 PM GMT

If I had a male and female character living together I would establish their relationship early on.

Maybe even something obvious, like one of them mentioning a date they were on, or Jon teasing them about how they would make a good couple.

Although, it would probably come across with how they interact anyway.

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But it's so hard to fit everything in plus setting up a storyline etc. Jon did mention that she was his new rentee so she was sort of new on the scene to him, so to speak. I did that so she could ask about Jon etc
The second ep is where they arrange a themed party for Peregrine's 300 business associates, and of course that goes t*ts up too and they end up with no money.
The third ep is where they have set up as a private Detective agency and all that goes wrong too.
Just another thought, it is said in sitcoms, we [the viewer] don't need to question why characters live together or why they live where they live, they just need to accept the situation.

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ March 17 2011, 1:04 PM GMT

You also had a version of the Monkhhouse gag "...I can still enjoy sex at 74 which is great because I live at 75."

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My writing partner put a variant on ours.. might have a word! Mind you John Sullivan sticks old gags in his scripts all the time and no one seems to mind!

Quote: Marc P @ March 17 2011, 1:39 PM GMT

My writing partner put a variant on ours.. might have a word! Mind you John Sullivan sticks old gags in his scripts all the time and no one seems to mind!

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mine [or Bob's haha] went something like this...

VICKY

Can you still have sex at 40?

STEVE

Yeah, but it's a bit too far for Jon to walk to number 12

I missed it! You Bushbaby!

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ March 17 2011, 1:04 PM GMT

I read some of it last night too, but I found the dialogue clunky and the jokes didn't seem to flow naturally, you were firing off at a tangent to shoe-horn in the gags. You also had a version of the Monkhhouse gag "...I can still enjoy sex at 74 which is great because I live at 75." quite early on which jarred. Your start just felt a bit heavy-handed in trying to establish the characters. Obviously this is only based on the brief read I got yesterday but these were things I thought might be why your script was rejected. Post it back up and you might get more detailed feedback.

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Thanks Corey. How much did you read because everything at the start had relevance to the storyline, nothing was superfluous
The 'start the day with smile' reference is mention twice more
Sex several times
Rolex four times
his tripping up over the sports bag is crucial to what happens later....if you get my drift

Quote: David Bussell @ March 17 2011, 10:11 AM GMT

Is that bitterness in the thread title or just a typo?

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Oops, I edited the title before I read the thread and didn't even think of that.

Quote: zooo @ March 18 2011, 1:52 PM GMT

Oops, I edited the title before I read the thread and didn't even think of that.

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Thanks Zooo, but it was funny even though a typo

Quote: bushbaby @ March 18 2011, 1:48 PM GMT

Thanks Corey. How much did you read because everything at the start had relevance to the storyline, nothing was superfluous
The 'start the day with smile' reference is mention twice more
Sex several times
Rolex four times
his tripping up over the sports bag is crucial to what happens later....if you get my drift

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I can't recall the exact point I stopped reading, but I did read from random points along the way to see if the dialogue improved. It felt like hardwork trying to tease out what the underlying point/drive of it all was with the nature of the dialogue and the humour didn't flow naturally as I said before. Honestly, post it back up and get a genuine spread of opinion, you're only scuppering yourself by not getting a cross-section of critique which could help you with your future efforts.

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ March 18 2011, 2:05 PM GMT

I can't recall the exact point I stopped reading, but I did read from random points along the way to see if the dialogue improved. It felt like hardwork trying to tease out what the underlying point/drive of it all was with the nature of the dialogue and the humour didn't flow naturally as I said before. Honestly, post it back up and get a genuine spread of opinion, you're only scuppering yourself by not getting a cross-section of critique which could help you with your future efforts.

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I'm already a shivering wreck with recent events [exciting ones] and I'm just too nervous to put the script back up As I said earlier, it's funny acted out and acting is 'reacting' so the reactions of the actors to lines were funny too. I'm perhaps just not funny on the page.

again thanks

Quote: bushbaby @ March 18 2011, 2:09 PM GMT

I'm already a shivering wreck with recent events (exciting ones) and I'm just too nervous to put the script back up As I said earlier, it's funny acted out and acting is 'reacting' so the reactions of the actors to lines was funny too. I'm perhaps just not funny on the page.

again thanks

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To be honest with you BB, I think you taking down your sitcom has done more harm than good. It was a well written piece that had a good pace, a plot and you had put a lot of thought into the medium. These are all elements that need to be commended. People who are now tuning in to this thread must be thinking it was shockingly bad if you removed it so quickly, when this is not the case at all.

We all say it so often that it is like a cliche now, but comedy really is subjective. One persons Steptoe is another persons Lab Rats. Whereas some readers didn't get the humour in your script there will be others that do. No one can make you put the sitcom back up but I think you need to stop beating yourself up about it.

Def.

Quote: Deferenz @ March 18 2011, 3:03 PM GMT

To be honest with you BB, I think you taking down your sitcom has done more harm than good. It was a well written piece that had a good pace, a plot and you had put a lot of thought into the medium. These are all elements that need to be commended. People who are now tuning in to this thread must be thinking it was shockingly bad if you removed it so quickly, when this is not the case at all.

We all say it so often that it is like a cliche now, but comedy really is subjective. One persons Steptoe is another persons Lab Rats. Whereas some readers didn't get the humour in your script there will be others that do. No one can make you put the sitcom back up but I think you need to stop beating yourself up about it.

Def.

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So sorry; as usual I'd had a bottle of wine or two when I put it up, thinking it a good idea, there are so many things I wish I hadn't done because of drink, especially emails

Well done BB, will have a read later.

Well done for posting BB, I enjoyed the read and liked the bounce of the dialogue, it put me in mind of Joe Orton for some reason. Maybe heighten the characters even more. Dogging is in the main a heterosexual hobby, I think Cruising is more the term for the gentlemen of Hampstead Heath by the by! You should write a play.